what goes up...

I'm sinking...so deep into the ground...beneath the surface of the earth!

unforgettable

I'm trying to find ways to forget. I really am trying. I'm trying to see that there are guys who have the same qualities, maybe even better...

But why is it so hard?

I didn't answer his phone call. That was so painful. I'm trying. I wonder if I don't call him back, him he'll keep calling me...

argh.

grad school? or not.

Gosh. I really need some motivation. I can't seem to get myself to be positive about school. The only reason I'm even still trying is because of my dad and my mom. I don't want to be another disappointment. I've never been a disappointment, and I don't ever wanna be.

I wish I could just get back in the game and focus but there are so many things that are distracting me. My brain is on system overload. I feel so tired...physically, emotionally, psychologically.

You know the expression " I feel like I'm gonna explode." Well it's just figurative speech right? wrong.. I actually feel like I'm gonna explode. My brain's gonna go "kaboom!" and make a mess...big bloody mess. sigh.

If you want me to.

Even though I'm saying that I'm letting go and letting God work, I still feel like I'm being selfish and I'm not fully surrendering.

How do I do that?

I feel like He's saying...let go, but don't give up.

Wait...yea, that makes sense, let go, but don't give up.

When I say I still feel selfish, I mean...I still think of myself when life is so beyond me. Instead of thinking about my happiness, I should focus on my family's, friends, etc. They all contribute to my happiness. But it's so hard not to be selfish. I wish I could do better.

I don't understand why...

Have I not shed enough tears for Him, that He wants me to now?
Why does He want to make this a competition? It's not a competition, because all I have are His. But why is He taking people I love away from me? As if losing my father wasn't enough...I don't wanna lose anymore!!!