Therapy

I think I'm called to be a therapist. Lately, I've been sought out by a lot of people that I haven't spoken to for a really long time. I usually end up having really long and deep conversations with them. I find myself learning a lot from them just by listening to their issues or even triumphs. I also feel really eager to listen and give suggestions when they ask for them. In a way, I think one of my prayers have been answered. For a while, I was feeling like I've lost touch with some of my close friends and sometimes felt like no one really cared to talk to me even I didn't reach out to them first. Then all of a sudden, these people that I haven't seen in years or rarely speak you, start facebooking me and IMing me just to ask how I was doing. We then talk about pretty intense and personal stuff that I wouldn't expect. It makes me really happy that they have that much trust in me.

I do feel blessed. Even in the midst of struggle, it's in these little blessings that I'm able to keep moving. I've been noticing that my recent blogs have been really sad and depressing. I think someone told me once that I'm happy one day and sad the next because they read my blogs. I sometimes don't write things down unless it was something extreme. If a feeling I had from a bad situation lingers long enough, I'll most likely write about it. Same goes for something happy. I'm really not bipolar or schizophrenic. lol

Now that I've got that cleared up, haha, it's time for bed!

Compromise.

That's the name of the game.

Unreconciled...or Irreconciled?

I've always heard people say irreconciled differences, not unreconciled, right?

Anyway, I should be studying for my GRE's which is happening on October 3 of this year. I've pushed it back long enough so it's time to just stick with the plan. I feel a bit unmotivated. I've done a lot today as far as running errands and stuff. I seem to be regressing. I was doing pretty well with not letting uncontrollable things control me, but it's beginning to strike up again. I guess when you have too much time to think, you end up thinking about things that bring you down.

I must admit that I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. I've been feeling like everyone around me has disappeared. These times make me really miss the times when my dad was still here. I can just give him a hug and at least for that moment, my troubles would just melt away. At least for that moment, I would feel safe and loved. It's really quite interesting how lately...I would find myself feeling emotional and I would tear up without something to stimulate it. I'm usually an emotional person so when I watch something sad or even happy, I tend to cry. Excuse my corny attempt at describing this but lately I feel like my heart is doing a lot of crying but my mind doesn't quite understand why.

I am blessed with so much but I feel like all of these blessings are an inch away from my reach.

I want to do so much but I find myself not being able to move. I want to talk but I feel so tired to speak.

What am I really running away from?


I miss you.

Commitment...or not

What makes someone committed to something? It's such a tough choice to make, to be committed to someone or something. You have to love, want, desire, need it. Right?

For some reason, I've been drifting away from a lot of things I used to be very committed to. There's just this force that pulls me away. It's the fear of gossips and people looking down on you for being human. It's a loss of trust. I have a desire to come back, but the thought of being ridiculed keeps me from wanting to come back.

Is it bad that I would just like to live my life NOT under a radar? Must I broadcast every news that happens in my life to everyone? I'm so tired of feeling like my decisions to be happy is making other unhappy. I wanna go back to when there was no drama. When I'm just happy being me. I wanna go back to when people didn't talk about you behind your back. I wanna go back to when there were no secrets. Some secrets need not be revealed for the truth to be revealed.

If you've only heard my story through someone else, you know nothing about me. Please don't judge me based on rumors. If you really wanna know, just ask me. I'm your most reliable source.

Thanks.

Is anybody here anymore?

I feel like just two weeks have gone yet so much have been drifting away from me. I feel so uncomfortable.

Is it now time to get back into the reality of things. Things you don't want to deal with but now you have to. Things that affect so much that surrounds you including people who you once called a close friend.

I have so many plans to keep myself busy these next few weeks. I'm determined not to let my insecurity dictate my actions. I have a B.S in Psych. I should probably learn to talk myself out of things that I've talked myself into thinking about.

Anyway, I'm gonna fight the jet lag and go to sleep.

Peace.

I'm in Nice, France

I should be feeling really nice right?

Well, it's funny cuz...I don't. I mean, it's beautiful here and my trip has been great for the most part. But it just sucks that you don't even have time to rest from your jet lag. You're either walking a lot or on the road a lot. That's how it is when you're going with people. You don't really get to decide what YOU want to do next. Sometimes even when you're in pain, you still have to move because you don't want to slow the others down.

I've really been missing home. I want to be in my cozy little home in my cozy little bed. I want to hug my mom. It's just so hard to find internet here. We tried to in Spain. It was too expensive to use internet at the hotel and the phone card I bought was $20 for only an hour. Yea...rip off for sure. We finally found an internet shop but the other two only wanted to be on for 20 minutes. I understand that we're in Europe and we should spend as much time exploring as possible, but the sun doesn't set in til 10 pm. There are really long days in Spain. I'm currently in France right now, and the sun sets a little sooner. There's actually free internet in this hotel which is great! They've also got a kettle for hot water which I've been looking for because my mom packed ramen and I was really craving them. The food here is really expensive if you don't know where to look. I love the cafes here. They're so cute! We've been having buffet breakfasts everyday and a buffet dinner every other day. So the days we don't have dinner and lunch paid for, we had to go look.

In Spain, we took the metro a lot. I'm a pro at it now. haha. Although it requires a lot of walking, I really like it. It's convenient. You don't need to worry about where you can park your car and it's pretty cheap. 1 euro for a ticket. The only problem is you can get mugged. If you don't watch your pockets and bags like Vinh and this other girl who's on the tour, they can mug you pretty easily. I haven't gotten mugged and I won't. I have my hand on my bag at all times. I'm a bit afraid of Italy though.

Anyway, it's about 2 in the morning here in France. I'm going to bath in the sun tomorrow. The water is so blue. It's beautiful.

I miss you all and I can't wait to come home. Don't be afraid to holler at me when you can. I'd love to have some home lovin'. Being homesick sucks when you're trying to have a vacation...but I guess that means I just really love home. =]