If you are interested, I've created another blog. I'm ready to abandon all this nonsense I've written.

www.tracyvo.tumblr.com

enjoy.

Attempt to Understand

I've been thinking a lot about why I keep allowing unnecessary things happen to me; specifically things that don't bring me happiness. Am I really strong or just foolish? I guess I AM stupid for love. I didn't understand what that meant when that was said to me. How can someone be stupid for my love? Well, I guess now I understand. I do stupid things just for a taste of "your" love.

I guess I'm truly a stubborn person. I don't like to give up. But I guess sometimes it's not such a bad idea to give up.

I don't like this instability and it's been a common theme in some of my relationships.

I feel blessed and not so blessed at the same time. Isn't that funny?

So I have a couple of questions that maybe those of you who read my blogs can help me to answer.

1. How do you help someone to grow? What does it mean to have a growth-filled relationship?
2. Do you agree with the saying "better to have something, than nothing at all"?

I have more questions. I just don't know how to phrase them yet. So, for now, that's it.

Anyway, I better pay attention in class.

It's just not right.

Why do we do this?

Did it feel right to you?

A Little Chance to Breathe...

As I'm waiting anxiously for my ride to get here, I thought I might just update on life and my current feelings about certain things.

I just started my Master's program, which has been great. I'm loving what I've learned so far and all my professors are wonderful. I made a couple of friends. We've already decided on when to go out for beers. Haha. What I'm excited the most about in this program besides being able to help others with their problems, is to be able to have a better sense of self; to know myself better and to make decisions that will be more healthy for me emotionally.

Since I quit my job at ThinkTogether, I'm still trying to find another job that's flexible enough so I can go to school full time. It hasn't been successful, partially because I've been traveling a lot. I'm so grateful to have this chance to just travel and great friends who've made it possible for me too. I haven't spent anything on flights thus far...which is a pretty huge blessing. However, I'm going back to Canada in 3 weeks. This time I'll have to buy my own ticket, but I'm still getting help from a friend who has mileage because he travels a lot for work...another blessing!

This time, I'm going to Canada to do some professional recording. Me and 3 other talented people are going to put together a CD to fundraise for next year's World Youth Day in Madrid. I'm sooooo excited to kick this project off! We're really gonna do this! At first, I just pitched the idea of having a concert to fundraise, but it somehow ended up to be a CD. haha.. I think we're going to have a concert too, to promote the CD. oh the excitement!!

Anyway, so rumors have been circulating and I don't really like it. It's funny that people say that I used to have a "thing" with them, when clearly I wasn't aware of that. If I didn't know we had a thing, that means we never had a thing, okay?!

I'm also very very confused...why was it easier before to be in my life and vice versa and now not? Don't answer that if you don't know what I'm really asking...thanks.

Anyway, I gotta go!

Wow...

So I was debating for a while...to delete or not to delete...Well I never deleted because I thought it was a bit immature. Well I guess it was done for me. Should I be thankful?

Should I also be thankful that I heard some news about a new person...which is gonna make it so much easier for me to leave?

Are you a coward?

I never thought so. I always chose to trust. I will continue to trust and give benefit of the doubt.

A Courageous Move

And so it is done. I celebrated my 23rd birthday and everything was beautiful. Just the way I had envisioned it. Well...there were many people I wanted to see, but I think due to different circumstances, I was not able to see them. There were some people I thought would surely text me a greeting but didn't even hear from. It's not even about not saying happy birthday to me that makes me sad. It makes me sad that we've become so disconnected for whatever reason. Many people will come into your life and then go. Only a few will come into your life and stay.

Anyway, I made a giant courageous move tonight. It was something that I had been too weak to do. I made a decision that was influenced more by God than it was by my heart or feelings. I know that one day, I will look back and be so thankful that God gave me the strength to do what I did tonight. I said the important things that I wanted to say. I will pray long and hard for hearts of stone to be soft again; for those who do not allow love to enter to lay down their fears and welcome Love with open arms.

I want to express my gratitude towards everyone who made my birthday an awesome one. You all have made my heart smile. =] I'm truly blessed and as I said to a friend of mine once- I may be walking on a rough road, but I'm in good Hands.

Here's a little prayer- my favorite prayer- to end this evening.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Maybe This Is It...

I deleted something on my phone today that I didn't intentionally want to delete. Well, I didn't realize that delete one thing would wipe out the whole thing. For some reason though, I feel like I was meant to delete it. I keep coming back to it, especially when I want to feel a sense of...I guess security. I shared with a good friend of mine today that it's not the same anymore. Maybe it's just an act...but even a simple touch didn't feel the same. It could be that I'm reading into it too much. Maybe I was meant to delete that very thing that was evidence of "love" because it was so contradictory to my...no, our reality.

There's a common saying for everyone celebrating their birthday...another year older, another year wiser...

Let's see how wise my next decision is going to be.

Marriage D'Amour

Tomorrow is a special day. It's a day two people make a promise to each other in front of family and friends, to engage and take one step closer to becoming one. Congratulations to my brother and his fiance for, finally after 10 years of dating, having their engagement ceremony tomorrow. It's going to be elaborate and of course very traditional. I've been in weddings before but this feels so different. This is my brother!

I'm so excited and extremely nervous for them. I can't imagine what they might be feeling right now. hehe. I'm getting butterflies for them. I only wish some people could be a part of this. But I'm going to go with God's plans. If it were meant to be, they would have been part of this. There's still the wedding?...

Anyway, I read my horoscope today. It's not like the monthly horoscopes in People's magazine. It's the Vietnamese horoscope/fortune telling. It was pretty accurate about my characteristics, but quite sad when I read about my future. Apparently, if I marry someone who's the same age, I will not have happiness...or in Vietnamese term, hạnh phúc. I also don't have a very stable life according to the horoscope. I'm always worried about something. By the ages 24, 26, and something else, I will be really ill. I won't have a stable life and be happy until age 37.

Man, talk about raining on someone's parade. This made me so sad. I was debating the whole day whether I should believe it or not.

Then I thought, "God so loved the world, that He sent His beloved Son...that whosoever believes in Him, will not parish but have everlasting life."

and then there was LIGHT! LOL

Sorry, had to add that little bit of dramatic effect. hahaha

Anyway, I better get to sleepin'. Tomorrow's a biiiig day!

Detaching Slowly

It's easier for me to accept this reality now even though I had remained so hopeful. I'm still hopeful, but not for the same thing anymore. Things are never just black and white...there are areas that are shaded grey. How I wish I could tap into these grey areas and reveal what it's true color is.

The days are going by so fast. It's already almost the end of the first week of August. Soon, I will be starting my master's program, something I've been waiting anxiously for. This next chapter of my life is about to begin but I'm not sure I want to leave this chapter behind and turn the page. Have you ever found yourself stuck on a chapter in a book? It's like you want to continue on with this story but as you turn the page, it's a whole new chapter, with new scenes and characters.

There's one thing I do though when I read my books. I underline and highlight what's most important to me and I bookmark it. Who knows when I'll need to come back to it again. Right?

Have a good night everyone. May God's Love flow through you so you can feel His love like I feel it. =]

God's so funny

So Facebook has this new feature where a random picture from your album would be posted for memories sake. Well, of all 1,000 some pictures I have, why did it have to be that specific one with that comment?! It was only a year ago...

I am definitely being tested. I won't fail. Not this time!

2 AM Lament

Have you ever befriended a threat before? By this I mean, someone who is a threat to you in some way. I have. It's the most exhilarating feeling ever! I don't even know why I saw this person as a threat before. I don't perceive this person as a threat anymore but at the time, I really was feeling like this person could take away what I loved the most...other than God and my family of course. That person could possibly feel the same way about me...a threat I mean...or not. Either way, it doesn't matter anymore.

Now I've realized that what I loved has already been taken away from me, not by any one person...not by any other person but the person I loved.

Am I making sense? Some call me crazy.

I wish I didn't hear those words...or read it rather.

Just like that song.."Just gonna stand there and watch me burn...it's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear my cry...that's alright because I love the way you lie...I love the way you lie."

Yes. I love the way you lie even though it hurts my inside.

I wish you could be a part of this ceremony. My mom asked but I don't know. When you've been rejected once...you just don't wanna go through it again. Instead, we're having someone who's not even close to family do this. ugh.

***********

Hah. That was my lament for the night. Now, let's talk about something more exciting. I'm going somewhere in two weeks and I cannot wait! For the sake of being discrete about it, I cannot divulge too much information until later. Even though I'm sure not many people read my blogs anyway, I still have to be careful. Lo siento!

I feel like God is taking care of me in this aspect. Bringing people into my life to help me be strong...or stronger. People who will stay up til the wee hours of the morning just to laugh with me. (Trambalaya!)

People who will take me out even though they're super tired. (Ong gia Ewic)

People who will just come over to be in my presence. (My besties)

Oh so thankful!

Fears and Uncertainty

Lately I've been trying to let go of my constant yearning to know the uncertainty. Father Arrupe says,

"Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in love
in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination,
will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you
out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love; stay in love,
and it will decide everything."

I've heard this so many times in my life, yet, I'm still longing to completely apply it to my life. I have fallen in love and I have stayed in love. What I still don't know is what has been decided.

Perhaps fears cause us to do a lot of things (or not do a lot of things.) Sometimes, given the past and present circumstances, we are afraid to give of ourselves. We are afraid to risk our hearts because we have been hurt before. Sometimes we are afraid that we might be the one causing the pain. Either way, we distance ourselves for those reasons. We try our best not to show how we truly feel, but sometimes we slip and we allow our hearts to speak for us. We discredit our feelings of love because it is easier than taking a risk.

Our minds and our hearts are at a constant debate over whether our hopes outweigh our fears.

------

We all have fears. It's how much hope we have for something that we must focus on. Our fears will be there but if our hopes are strong enough, it can carry us through our fears.

I believe, more than ever now, that everything happens for a reason. God's plans for us are much greater than the plans we have for ourselves. We may think we're in control and sometimes being in control is a good thing. But, try not being in control for once and just let God be the guidance. I remind myself of that everyday and especially during times when I feel the need to be in control.

Everything that's happened to me thus far- my missed flight, my car breaking down before my interview, technical stuff during the interview that led to my rejection and many more- I've really assessed why it happened.

My missed flight: I was a bit worried about my layover in Dallas. It just so happened that there was traffic on my way to the airport and I missed my flight. I was put on standby and by the grace of God, I had a seat on the next flight. What I truly believe to be God taking care of me was that the flight was a direct flight back to LAX.

My car breaking down: When I arrived back home, it was too late and I didn't have time to prepare for my interview the next day. I believe that I missed my interview so that I could have more time to prepare for it. Although, it was a bummer that my car broke down and it took a lot of money of out my mom's pocket to fix it. ( I'm super poor and wish I could've paid for it myself)

Technical stuff during the interview: So my interview had two parts. One was the interview and one was the presentation on my hobby. I had sent my presentation to my email so that i could open it up. Well, there was no internet connection in that particular room which I thought was strange because it was on a school campus. So I had to do my presentation without it, which was a bit boring because all the fun stuff was on the powerpoint.

Anyway, all of these things were unfortunate events, but I don't feel unfortunate to have experienced them. I'm so proud to say that I am so much closer to really being able to let go and let God.

Yay!

Journey to Love..and more Love

Wow. I'm so blessed to say that I've traveled to Canada. I love traveling and learning about new places and to have this opportunity to both serve and have fun at the same time was phenomenal. What a great blessing! I went to Canada to help out with a retreat...the best retreat for me personally. I got to meet so many cool people and share my story with them. When I was there, I felt so taken care of. There's such a strong sense of community that I felt there. Right when I met the first two people (David, and Steve), I immediately felt at home with them. It only got better when I arrived that my hostess' house. Anna was amazingly hospitable. She had a room ready for me with towels and slippers. It really is possible that you can meet someone for only a few moments and have your life changed forever.

When I was in Canada, I felt so free of all my burdens and stresses. It wasn't that they all went away, but it was like I focused my energy on all the positive things so all the negative things just kind moved into a corner. I don't think anything could've upset or scared me to much when I was there. I missed my flight back to Cali. If that happened to me a year ago or even before this retreat, I would've freaked out like no other. This time, even though I felt a bit nervous, I was very accepting of the fact that there was a good chance that I would stay in Toronto for another night. Granted, I prayed my heart out for a spot on the standby flight, I would've have been that disappointed if I had to stay for other night.

This feeling carried on even once I came back to Cali. The next day I had an interview. On my way to my interview, my car broke down completely on the freeway. Again, I would've panicked here too, but I didn't. I called for help and help came. I have my car back now and it's in great shape.

My point in telling these stories is to not make myself seem like an invincible person who's never affected by anything negative. These events definitely affected me, but I guess I chose to react to them in a different way than before. It was like, God was whispering into my ears, "Be not afraid. I'm with you."

The recurring them at Caritas 18 for me was trusting in God's plans and that there's a reason for everything that happens. I know that there's a reason for why I received that text as I boarded the flight to Toronto (I didn't mention that but it's not necessary), and there's a reason why I decided to go to Montreal and stayed at a specific person's apartment, for why I missed my flight, and for why my car broke down on my way to my interview.

I think it's easier for me to live the present moment now. I continue to learn how to be patient and how to trust with all my heart the plans that God has for me.

The song that I co-wrote with Eddie (an amazing musician) is exactly how I feel about life right now.

I Choose- Original
Music and lyrics: Eddie and Tracy

I thought I knew love
and what it's all about
It's just one of those things that
you fall in and out of

But You've showed me a new way
You showed me your way
I'm so amazed by Your Love
that I can always say

Refrain:
I choose to live
I choose to Love
I choose to be all you've dreamed me to be

Bridge:
You've called me by name Lord,
I'll never be the same.
Your Love it comforts me,
I'll never be afraid.



Glory be to the Father, to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, a world without end. Amen

Challenges

I feel like I've been struggling a lot to stay on the positive side of this mystery. Sometimes I feel like running away or turning my back, close my eyes, and never look that way ever again. But if God wanted me to stop coming to Him, He would've made it a lot easier.

I'm going to Canada soon and I'm so excited. I'm excited to go through the Caritas experience again. I'd like to hear what Cha Tri said on my Caritas again. I want it to seep through ever crevice of my body and permeate through every muscle. I want to be reintroduced to the art of God's Love and the art of letting go.

Perhaps, the art loving by letting go is the most complicated art I'm ever going to try to understand. I'd like to one day be able to love by letting go fully.

No matter what happens to me every single day, I know that at the end of it, God has loved me enough to allow me another day.

I miss you terribly, but I know that at least one of my prayers is answered everyday; everyday that you wake up.

I haven't "let it out" like I did today...in a very long time. I think it's just a combination of different things that have been either hurting, or bothering me. I wanted to go watch a movie or do something to distract myself but I ended up sitting in my car for a while just "letting it out." Then I SOSed my best friend. She drove down right away. This sounds like a big deal but it's really just me finally breaking after holding in so much of what I thought I could handle. I'm okay with admitting to defeat. It just means that I have a chance to come to Jesus. Loneliness is something that I'm learning to embrace. I feel like I've sort of lost touch with Him. I want to come back to the Heart of Worship.

when the music fades
all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that will bless your heart

i'll bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what you have required
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

chorus
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the things i've made it
when it's all about you
it's all about you, Jesus

King of endless worth
no one could express
how much you deserve
though i'm weak and poor
all i have is yours
every single breath

I've been feeling like I don't know who I am lately...or who I want to be. Is it because I was surrounded by a group of people that I felt I had to impress, so I acted a certain way? Do I feel more comfortable hanging with this other group because I don't have to try to be who I'm not? Who am I...really?

Uh oh, I think I'm having an identity crisis.

Earlier I was acting like a child...assuming that my friends didn't care about me enough, but it was never about me. How hypocritical of me to assume people are abandoning and forgetting about me when I've been abandoning Him and his teachings? and forgetting to come to Him in prayer?

Oh man, what an epiphany!

I think it's time I "man" up and do what should've been done from the get-go. I've heard it said that letting go requires a lot of love. Well, I have a lot of love...just not enough courage. So, I pray for courage like the Serenity Prayer.

I need to be slapped back to spirituality!

And Then There Was Light

My 4th of July weekend was I guess filled with a bit of spontaneity. I woke up on Sunday thinking, oh man, it's 4th of July and no one has told me of any plans yet. I wanted to watch fireworks and spend time with family but my mom is in New Orleans, and my grama studies for her citizenship test all day. My brother was going to Cabazon but I had no more money to spend on things I didn't need and I wasn't about to ask my brother to pay for me. So, I went online and a friend of mine IMed me. I'm usually not on ichat..well not much anymore, but I decided to. I wanted to go to the park and throw a frizbee around so that was the plan. Pick up my friend and go to the park before going to mass. On my way to my friend's, another friend texted an invite to a BBQ. So, we ended up going to the BBQ instead. So many unexpected things happened today. We went to downtown disney to watch the fireworks. It was packed of course...

The fireworks weren't great, but the dancing was awesome! I had so much money dancing salsa and the cha cha. We started dancing and then everyone joined in. It was great. =] I feel like all the chemistry is still there but we just don't understand the reaction.

In very soon, I will have to detach myself completely because I don't want to be the reason why new experiences can't be...experienced...not on my part.

It's getting harder and harder to resist and I just need to stay away.

June 25th...

Every time this day comes around, I get really sad. Don't know if I can ever forget it. I went to the park today. Only for a couple minutes though. I had to run to the shop right after work. I had forgotten that I needed to go to the shop today. My whole plan didn't really go as planned. I was going to go to work and then go to the park and relax for a bit. Then hit the gym and then go to rehearsal for the wedding tomorrow...I mean today..since it's 12:33 am. Instead, I went to the park for a minute, then headed out to the shop. I had to push rehearsal back an hour because it was so hectic at the shop. Finally got home and showered. Phew!

I continue to pray for strength and courage. Strength to endure and courage to move forward. I'm going to miss my kids. I've learned so much from working for this organization. I love being able to share my energy with them every morning. Today I came into work with so much energy. Even though I'm not much of a morning person, I was hyped and ready to get these kids excited. I don't know exactly what happens to me, but when I see the kids, I get so much energy. I'm really silly and goofy, but I can get them to behave. I look at the other program leaders and I feel like giving them a bit of a shake sometimes. You can tell which program leaders want to be there and which don't.

I should be sleeping to charge up my voice for tomorrow but...

I guess you can go through one day of agony but day will become night and before you know it, it's a new day. So cheers to a new day.

Good night everyone!

What a 30 Minute Nap Can Do

So today after work, I was going to go to the beach, but I decided to go chill at the park with my guitar instead. It's so amazing to be able to slow down and relax under a tree. I was taking a nap but not really. I rested my head on the body of my guitar so it wasn't very comfortable. I had some worship music playing. So, I guess you could say I was meditation more than napping. I had a pretty good reflection of my weekend and my day up to that point.

I kept thinking, if it's not meant to happen, it's not going to happen. I can lay here forever and it won't happen. Just because it happened before, doesn't mean that it's meant to happen again. Also, I was hoping for it to happen. Before, I didn't even expect it.

Then, somehow I found peace, knowing that this mystery is what makes me come to God everyday. I slowly drifted away as I listened to the voice singing "I will rest in You...I will rest in You."

I'm so amazed at how strong some of my friends are. I wish they could share of that their strength with me. I always coach myself and prep for what I need to do, but when the time comes, I get weak and I end up not being able to.

I think I need to really watch how I act around people, especially the boys. My best friend says I flirt with them, that's why they end up interested or whatever. But, I honestly don't realize it. What's considered "flirting"? I can't use smiley faces in my texts anymore because that's flirting? I don't get it. I guess I'm not 8 anymore and I need to realize that boys don't just ask you to hang out because they want to be your friend. I really wish it was just that simple.

Also, I really don't like knowing that some people don't like me. For reasons that I'm not even aware of. So these two people don't like me because, they were playing some dirty song on their ipod and when I came into the room, as a joke I said, "oh this song is too dirty for me, can we change it?" My friends would've said something like " deal with it or something" to joke back. But these people took me so seriously. =\

I hate when people take things I say the wrong way, and don't even confront me about it so that I can have a chance to explain myself. One time someone asked me if I've been to an Angels game before and I said, " I've been to an Angels game before so I kinda know what to expect." That was taken as, oh I've been here before and I don't wanna be here. I actually felt pretty hurt when I heard that that's how they had perceived it. I didn't even think of it that way.

Guess I just really need to think clearly about what I'm about to say, before I say it. Even then, when I think it's okay, people still take it the wrong way. Should I just stop talking in general? >_< I'm actually getting kinda frustrated writing about this...

Anyway, my best friend came over just earlier. She told me a lot of things I needed to hear...not exactly wanted to..but very much needed. One of these days I'll muster up the courage to do what I need to do. One of these days.

For now, I'm going to go to bed because I have work at 8 am tomorrow. Yikes!!

Heart Breaks and Breaking Hearts

I just changed the look of my blog and I think this one that I chose is catered towards people with bad eyesight, because the font size is huge! lol I guess it's a good thing even for people with perfect eyesight. They can keep it perfect by not straining so much trying to read the smaller font sizes.

Anyway, there's so much I want to write. I'm starting my Master's program soon in August and I'm traveling a bit this Summer. I'm pretty bummed out that I'm going to have to leave my job but there's give and take and I just need to accept it and move forward. I have tomorrow to apply for this job at Fullerton and because I feel like God had something to do with this job post in my email, I'm going to make an effort to fill it out and edit my resume.

So, on to what I'm really thinking about at the moment. If there's anyone that could understand what a heart break feels like, I am one. But somehow, that doesn't stop me from breaking hearts. It's so hard to tell someone that you don't feel the same way. I cringe every time I have to do that because I know how the other person must feel. I keep getting all these challenges and I'm expected to pass them. Sometimes I wonder why I keep running into the same situation. Tonight, I was able to be completely honest. Although it wasn't something that person wanted to hear, he was appreciative of my honesty. At the same time, I felt so bad. I had already disappointed other people in the past, and now God brings another person into my life for me to disappoint, just so that I could learn and grow. It hardly seems fair to the other person. Then again, the other person can grow from it too...but why do we have to go through all these uncomfortable situations?

God, You are strange.

My deepest desire right now is to find peace through prayer and to continue to walk with Him even though this road sometimes becomes narrow and rocky...and sometimes I step on land mines that completely tear me apart.

I really believe that this master's program is going to shape me into the person I'd like to be and God would like me to be. I do want to make the best out of this Summer. I was already thinking about what I wanted to do on my birthday. lol All I want is to hang out at the beach. Have a nice bonfire where my friends and I can sit around with a guitar and just sing random songs. I do want to try boogie boarding. Considering the fact that I'm not a swimmer, it's a pretty brave thought. haha I just need to remind myself that I control the water...not the other way around. Right?

Anyway, it's the last week of school for the kids. Then there's Summer program which I'm so excited about. My coworkers and I had dinner tonight and we were talking about the haps of Summer program. I'm so happy and blessed to have such awesome coworkers and boss. I've already made up my mind. Even though I won't be able to come back next year to work, I'll be a volunteer. That way, I can still be around my kids and hang out with the COs.

Cheers to the wonders of God's plans!

Coincidence...

Was it merely a coincidence? Why I just seeing things? I feel like God's telling me not to give up. That even though I've been drained, I shouldn't give up. This weekend is a big test for me. My strength is really in You right now. I just want to understand why things are happening this way. If I had to try to understand, I would say that God's trying to test how unconditionally I am able to love.

Left To Tell

My internet has been down for the past couple of days so I haven't been able to update on anything. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't have access to internet at home because it gave me more time to finish this book I'd been reading called "Left To Tell." It's about a Rwandan holocaust survivor telling the story of how she survived a genocide that left millions of people brutally mutilated and murdered. She talks of how God had protected her through the journey and how she was able to forgive the man who had killed her family through the grace of God.

After reading this book, my heart felt eager to do two things.

1. Pray my heart out.

2. Forgive.

It was amazing how much Immaculee prayed during her time hiding out from killers, and it was miraculous how God answered her prayers for protection and forgiveness. The devotion she had left me wanting to get down on my knees and just pray. I've been finding myself talking to God lately...just randomly. I used to talk to myself a lot...(strange, yes...) but now it's like I have conversations with God everywhere I go. Maybe that's why I've been wanting just to be by myself, physically. When you talk so much in your head, you kind of get tired of talking out loud...Doesn't really make sense...or maybe it does. I don't know.

I'm at Barnes and Noble right now...mooching off their internet..tee hee. I just needed to share about this book. It's amazing and could very well change your mind about forgiving the unforgivable. I believe so much more in the power of forgiveness and prayer now. I don't think it was a coincidence that I noticed this book lying on the coffee table at an Emmanuel meeting one night. God sure does move in mysterious ways.

Alrighty, I gotta get outta here. I think they're beginning to suspect that I'm not really doing homework...hee hee. =P

Maybe

I feel this pain in my chest since that day slowly easing. This is a good thing, but does it mean it's slowly fading? Perhaps that's what needs to happen. God knows who I am and I'm sure He knows I deserve the equivalent of...me. He gave me a chance to take back the dignity that was taken from me and I'm proud of myself for being able to speak up.

Forgiveness is not about letting the other person get away with something. It's about allowing the love of God to overshadow the hurt and betrayal.

My heart no longer feels heavy.

Interview

So, today I had an interview for CSUF's grad program in Counseling. I feel pretty confident about my acceptance. The faculty seemed pretty down to earth so it made the process a lot more comfortable. I was in a group interview with about 11 other interviewees. The letter is expected to be sent out some time at the beginning of May. I'm excited and have decided that I will most likely stick to CSUF-mostly because of financial reasons. Mount St. Mary's sounds good and I would love to go there for their beautiful campus, but it's insanely pricey and I'd have to rent an apartment. I know that wherever I end up, it's part of God's plan.

I want to go off topic and share about a little experience I had with my kids at work. Upon greeting some of my early-bird kids one day, one little girl said "Miss Tracy, we saw a bag hung on a tree and it had eyes balls and a knife in there!" So I asked, "which tree did you see it hung on? How did it make you feel?"

The girl replied," we're scared."

So then I said, "oh, there's nothing to be scared of. Do you know why?"

Then, the girl said, "I know. Because Jesus is always with us. He's everywhere. He's probably sitting next to you right now."

That little comment really warmed my heart.

I see so much improvement they've made as students and I made as a program leader. In the next few weeks, we don't know when, but someone from the program is going to come and evaluate us. We had a mock evaluation today by one of the staff in the program office. He said he was impressed by mine and another PL's class because we really utilized what he taught us in training. YAY! Last time, we got a pretty bad score. I think the main reason was because our former site coordinator wasn't full time, so she didn't have enough time to organize the program and do everything that needs to be done in order for our program to improve. We got a 4.5 on a 10-point scale. that's pretty close to horrible. But during the mock evaluation, we got a 7! 7 is considered very good. Of course we want it to be a 10, but from a 4.5 to a 7...I think we're doing pretty darn good!

I'm so proud of my students!

Sunday's Homily

On the 3rd Sunday of Easter, I attended and sang for 10am and noon Masses. I just want to reflect on some of the things Fr. Francis talked about.

"God never imposes on our free will."
God gives us free will to make our own decisions, but through prayers for guidance, we may be able to make the right decisions. We must pray for the wisdom to be able to distinguish between the decisions we make for our own sake, and for the sake of following God's plans. How do we know which decisions are right? We look deep into our hearts. If these decisions transform our hearts, I would imagine it to be guided by God.

"Transformation of the soul...taking all risks."
Taking risks means going the distance. It means not being safe. It means doing something that we are afraid of. It's through taking risks that we may be able to transform our soul. When we fear loss, loneliness, pain, we hang on and we convince ourselves that this is better. We become prisoners to our own false hopes. It's in letting go of all these that we may be able to allow God to transform our heart and soul.

"When you're young, you think you can control your life..."
Fr. Francis said something after this that was really awesome but I couldn't catch it because I got distracted by a friend of mine. I guess when we're young, we think that somehow we wear this cloak of invincibility; we avoid situations that we feel might hurt us. When we grow older, we begin to gain a better understanding of who we are and what we want and need. We start to think back to the times when we thought we were in control of our lives only to find that we'd missed so many opportunities to be transformed by these experiences we were so afraid of.

Fr. Francis ended his homily with three words.

Courage. Love. Transformation.

Redirecting My Focus

Lately, I've been feeling so energized. It's this feeling of getting to know myself better that's been making me smile a lot. I went to the gym today and caught myself just smiling while running on the treadmill. I'm still not quite sure what made me feel so good, but I guess sometimes you don't have to have a reason to smile.

Yesterday I woke up thinking, "hmm, I sent in my application to Fullerton a couple of weeks ago. I should be getting a letter in the mail soon, shouldn't I?" So then I checked my fullerton email because I got a letter saying that after I create an account, all future communications will be through that email. So I typed in my user name and password. Wrong password. OH NO! I don't remember my id or password. What do I do? What If I got an email about my acceptance or decline?

So I called the prospective student advisor at Fullerton to ask about my application status. She didn't answer but her voicemail gave me the answer I needed. She said that 100 students will be chosen for an interview out of about 500 or something. The interviews will begin at the end of April and 50 something students will be chosen for the program.

So, I calmed down for a bit. When I went outside to get the mail, I got a letter! I went through all that trouble for nothing. I had gotten a letter in the mail inviting me to an interview. Phew! I would have been surprised if I didn't get an invitation but things are falling into place. I have an interview with Fullerton's Counseling Program staff on April 27...also known as my mom's birthday.

I actually want to go to Mount St. Mary's College but we'll see what happens as soon as I send in my personal statement. Who would have thought writing just 1000 words would be so tough? I wrote 3000 words for Fullerton and it was easy peasy. I will send it in by this weekend. I WILL. No ifs ands or buts!

Right now, I'm just indulging myself in strawberries and whipped cream, and a glass of wine. yum!

After that, it's good ole' sleep!

Spring Break's over

I had a great day today. After two long nights of standing in heels, trying to improvise and pretend that I can be an MC, and singing songs I barely knew in front of hundreds of people, I've gotta say today was THE way to end my Spring break. I went to Mass at noon, because I really needed extra sleep. So sorry to Interfaith choir! I really needed a break from using my voice. After that a couple of good friends and I went to Dromo 1. Wondering what that is?? It's a race track! It's sort of like go-cart racing, except, it's better. We had to have our gears on and the jumpsuit. It was intense. I had such an adrenaline rush, even though I was one of the slower racers. It was my first time and I needed to get used to the sharp turns and stuff. Next time I will be better. hahaha I had a great time. I was 6th place....but hey, at least I wasn't last. =]

Anyway, after that we all went to Johnny Rockets to get our grub on before our 9:05 showing of....Clash of the Titans! I liked the movie. I mean, it wasn't AMAZING..but it was good. And now it's raining, which is perfect!..because I know I'm gonna have a good night sleep.

Tomorrow, it's back to work. I'm not really worried about work. I'm pretty excited about Spirit Rally. I'd really like to be a part of it this year. Hopefully I'll have a chance to do that and hang out with friends from Interfaith again. I feel pretty disconnected, but it's mainly my fault. I just gotta make the time.

Kk, I'm off to bed. Thank You! Alleluia!

Catching a Break

So I have a little break/rest right now so I thought I'd use it to give a little update on what's going on in my life. I've been on-the-go for my whole Spring Break. I thought I would have some time to just relax and "do nothing" but life's unpredictable. I've had countless rehearsals and preparation for events that I've bravely committed myself to. There's a fundraising dinner tonight that I am singing/MCing for. I'm trying my best to not stress out but being that I have a wedding reception to sing for tomorrow night, with about 15 songs under my belt I have to sort of perfect, I'm pretty much on edge right now.

With that said, life has been sort of amazing! Even though the busy-ness can become stressful and exhausting at times, I'm grateful everyday for a chance to be busy. It's boring when you have nothing to do or not much to look forward to. I've been waking up to the thought of going for a run to start my day, laying on my bed to reflect for a couple of minutes, then actually going for a run, and then the adventure of my day would begin.

Of course none of this would be possible if I didn't have Him. Thanks be to God, indeed.

Cheers!

Good Friday

After work today I rushed over to Interfaith for Good Friday's service. I hadn't been that emotional in a while. The homily today was about forgiveness and not speaking about things that are evil. There was a lady who was sold into slavery when she was just 9 years old. She faced torture from multiple masters until she was sold off to an Italian man. This man took her to a convent and asked the nuns there to teach her how to behave like a lady because ever since she was 9, she was treated like an animal. She had heard about the greatest master of all times and wanted to see him. When she asked the nuns, they told her that it was Jesus. When she died, they discovered that her body was filled with scars from past masters who had branded her. She never spoke of these scars.

Another story was about Bishop Nguyen Van Thuan. When he was put in prison, the guards would give him really salty food to each, but wouldn't give him water to drink. When he had to use the bathroom, there was no place to go, so he had no choice. When the woman who was in charge of cleaning up the cells came to clean, she ridiculed him for being so messy even though he is a bishop. He thought about yelling at the woman and telling her that he had no choice, but instead, the next time he saw her, he apologized for causing her so much trouble.

These are such great stories about people who were able to humble themselves enough to face so much humiliation. I believe that we are all capable of having this quality. What I'm praying for is to be able to have dignity and be humble in this way at the same time.

Holy Thursday

Aside from the gospel's message and the washing of the feet at Mass today, Fr. John Francis' homily was amazing. It was amazing mostly because I felt like he was speaking to me. That was no coincidence.

His homily was about dignity and loving yourself genuinely before you can love others. I've struggled to understand this for some time now, and maybe I still don't quite understand it. But, I do know that I need to safeguard the bit of dignity I have left.

I really wish I could've stayed for Adoration. I really needed it and I missed doing that with everyone at UCI. One of my best friends' dad is really ill and we thought he wasn't going to make it, so I was spending some time with her to keep her company. We were dropped off for Mass and our ride was waiting for us so I couldn't stay. It was so tough for me to choose between Adoration and the people I've missed hanging out with and my best friend who I hadn't seen for a while and who's in need of support.

I can't be in two places at once, but my spirit can. I really do need Adoration though, Liwanag style.

Oh, I had a good time with my co-workers today. Technically we were supposed to have the day off today because of teacher conferences at the school where I work, but there were things that needed to be prepped for our Spring break program so our site coordinator was told to ask her top 3 program leaders to come in for extra hours. I was so happy to hear that that was why she chose us to come in for work. We had to make a lot of phone calls, but that was no biggy. The rest of the time, we just reorganized the office and chit chatted. It was fun to just joke and laugh with each other. It's rare to have a relationship with your boss where you're that comfortable to joke around and laugh. It's awesome!

After that we went out to lunch together. It's funny how we talk about the kids even though we're not working, but that's probably the best part. We don't get to see the funny things that kids do in each other's classes so it's just fun to tell stories about them. I'm glad the environment at work has become so comfortable. We get our work done, but we have fun doing it. That's the best part!

Anyway, I should get to bed. My goal is to sleep before 12 am every night. good luck to me.

Took a Break From Myself

Some people underestimate how insightful tv shows can be. Many think it's a waste of time to sit and watch tv shows but you can actually learn a lot. Yes, some shows are just garbage and a waste of time, but some carry messages that many can relate to, only if they watched it.

I was watching a show called Greek this afternoon. It's about fraternities and sororities and college life (I know, it sounds like garbage), but it's really not bad. In this episode, the seniors were preparing to graduate and move on. Casey, one of the sorority girls got accepted into Washington law school. She was afraid to leave her college life and boyfriend, to venture into something more challenging. She told her best friend, "maybe I'm not as strong as you think I am." Her best friend, then, said, "maybe you just took a break from yourself." It was then that I thought, maybe I took a break from myself. Where have I been? It dawned on me that I have not been the best version of me. I guess one thing remained the same though, I was always persistent. I guess now it's about changing direction. I think I was just afraid of making this transition before. There's no holding me back now. I owe this to myself.

This Holy Week, I am determined to carry my crosses no matter how heavy they are. It's no coincidence that I've faced so many struggles and humility during this Lenten season. All I know is, Jesus sacrificed his life on the Cross...the least I can do for Him is to trust; to lay down my pride; to find humility; to love unconditionally; to be thankful...

I'm letting go of the rest.

Ironman

After watching Ironman on tv at my aunt's salon, I felt so inspired. There was a nun who was racing and she's 76 years old! She made it through the swim, the biking, and the 26 mile run. I think I'm going to start slow and build up to that. I'll start with the half mile marathon this October, and work my way up. I can't imagine how awesome it must feel to be able to do all that. At one point I even got teary-eyed because of some of the stories behind some of the champions.

I need to apologize to myself first and foremost. I haven't been taken very good care of myself. It's time to pick up the slack and revive this relationship. I was too busy trying to do other foolish things that I had completely neglected this second most important relationship- my relationship with myself. My most important relationship is with the Big Guy in the sky. That's been going steady, but now I need to work on me.

I might sound a bit too egoistic, but I think everyone should be to a certain extent. We should all take care of ourselves first and think of our needs before we can meet anyone else's. Which is why it's all about me at this moment. All about me, my family, my awesome community, and last but not least my God.

I want to start running every morning before work, and train with the crew at night. It's going to be pretty crazy but me running 26 miles is crazy, but possible!

I'd like to go to daily Mass for this coming Holy week or at least Adoration. Hopefully I'll be able to. Anyway, gotta catch some Zz now so I can have energy for tomorrow.

Good night everyone. =]

Such an Epiphany

I'm not a floor mat! If that's not clear enough, then I don't know what is.

I've got two words...


peace out.

And to everyone else, have a good night.

P.S
Thanks to some really good friends of mine who have been so supportive. There was a lot of tough love, but I really appreciate all of that.

I wish I had woken up to a bad dream this morning, but sadly, it was reality. Even though it was tough to hear, I think I've come to terms with this. I have exhausted every possibility and done everything I could, but I guess it's tougher to gain someone's trust than I thought, especially when you thought you had their trust. Then again, who's to say I can trust that easily?

Nothing is worse than fear. At work, we started this system where we give students fake money as an incentive. So what I did was create citations. I give out money when students are behaving exceptionally or when they've answered a question correctly, etc. but I also give citations to those who misbehave. I give them the amount they have to pay and a due date. They can choose to do community service (picking up trash in the classroom before leaving, making sure the snack area is cleaned, etc) or redeem themselves to get more money to pay off their citation before the due date. This is such an awesome way to teach them responsibility on top of good behavior. The point I want to get at is that fear can really affect people. When I say "if you don't stop talking, I'm going to give you a citation," they all stop talking. The fear of losing money made them stop talking.

There are other fears like fear of spiders, fear of needles, fear of height. Personally, I hate needles. I used to pass out at the sight of blood or when I'm having blood drawn. It's just the thought of my own blood flowing out of my body, through a tiny tube, and into a vile. Now, I don't pass out anymore because I've learned to control my fear. I've learned to condition my mind so that I'm able to go through a procedure without passing out. As much as I fear having blood drawn, I have to do it because that's the only way I can keep my health in check.

Another fear some people may have is of roller coasters. They fear that once they get on the roller coaster there's no going back; that they might not be able to handle the twists and turns or they might be afraid of falling out of the roller coaster. People who love roller coasters will tell you that it's super fun and such an adrenaline rush. But some people have never been on a roller coaster to experience that thrill and excitement because of their fear.

So when do you face your fear(s) and just go for it?

I've faced one of my fears for a very long time and had so much trust that I would conquer it...but I failed miserably almost every time... I guess I had too much trust. Maybe it wasn't the right fear I should've been trying to face. I think I'm ready to face this new fear now. I'm sorry I'm being so vague. I might have a lot of typos too because I didn't sleep til 5 in the morning and I woke up at 10 to go for a run. It was actually a really good run. I sprinted a couple of times and THAT felt awesome! But anyway, my thighs are sore and I'm super tired.

It's 12 am, March 26, 2010. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Now I can sleep. Good night!

The Last of my Efforts

I think I did everything I could. It's been such a long 3 days. I have literally been on my feet from morning to night everyday. From preparing to baking to cooking. I'm surprised I got it all done. The most important thing is that it was a success. More people came than we thought and the birthday boy was happy.

I wish I was better at not having expectations. It just happens so subconsciously though. I can't help it.

It sucks when you want to help but you end up messing up more than helping. My mom came home today and she looked kind of upset. I didn't know what was wrong and I was so busy getting the food cooked that I didn't ask. She finally told me that I inserted the chips to the mother boards wrong. So my mom helps my aunt with her job. She puts together parts for machines like DVD players, gaming machines, etc. I felt so bad. I just didn't want my mom to have to hurt her back inserting every little chip. Even my back hurts after I finish them. So I'm a little bummed because of that.

Anyway, maybe what I need to do is just step back.

How strange is it that I find myself not being able to finish certain things like continuing to read "The Purpose Driven Life" but I am able to stay up til the wee hours of the morning to finish something else that, to some people, may be a waste of time.

Anyway, that was just something I was thinking about while I was thinking about what to entitle this entry.

I saw a movie yesterday with two good friends of mine. I'm usually not into what I call "stupid humor" (no offense to people who like The Hangover, or Beerfest), but She's Out Of My League was pretty funny. Well, I don't think I enjoyed the humor as much as I enjoyed the story line. I liked how the scrawny dorky guy ended up with the hot girl. In most movies I've seen, when a couple breaks up, there's always at least one friend that does something to get them back together. I feel like most times, I'm that friend that always wants to fix everything. It's funny because I can't even fix my own problems. Do girls really get turned off when the guy says that they're perfect or puts them on a pedestal? I mean, I guess I would feel kind of weird...well, I have felt weird about it before. No one is perfect, but I guess the guy in the movie was right. When you love someone, they're a 10 in your eyes.

So, I caught myself daydreaming about going to volunteer abroad again. I really can't help it. I probably shouldn't think about it too much. But then again, what if I don't get into grad school? Then I'm definitely going. Is it bad that I sometimes hope to not get into grad school so that I can go build houses? haha. *knock on wood*

Since that may not happen any time soon, let's talk about work. I'm going to start a club soon for the kids. It's going to be a *drum rolls please*....MUSIC CLUB! That's right! I'm going to teach these kids some music theory and singing! It'll just be basic do re mi fa sol. I'm going to teach them how to sing Do Re Mi from The Sound of Music. LOL I'm really excited about it. It's going to be different, and it'll be fun for them on Fridays. I told my kids if they behave and finish all their homework for a week, I'm going to bring them ice cream. So, we'll see how it goes. They were being bad the other day so I gave them a seating chart today, and voila! It was sooo quiet during homework time, we got compliments from the site coordinator. Who knew I could tame these wild kids huh? hehe Just kidding. They are really good kids. I never thought I'd do something like this for a job, but thanks to a certain someone for suggesting it. It really does help me be more patient, even though sometimes I wanna rip my hair out. It's hard to know how to treat these kids sometimes. We underestimate how much they know and we treat them like 3rd and 4th graders, but boy, they're not as innocent as we think they are.

Oh boy! It's 1:45am and I'm still up. I've been waking up really late every morning. My goal has been to wake up early to go for a run before I go to work, but I'm been sleeping so late that I can't wake up early enough to go for a run. I remember when I used to be able to wake up at 8 to go to Mass. I gotta work harder!

I'm singing for a Mass at RE Congress tomorrow. Jesse Manibusan is such a homie. We had rehearsal today and I had only looked over the music the night before. It's a bit intimidating sitting in a room full of really talented musicians and vocalists. I guess I have to thank my high school choir director for teaching me how to sight read. Jesse asked me to cantor one of the songs he wrote. Is is a coincidence that that was the only song I didn't listen to on the recordings? I was like, "oh sure I can do it...but uhh, give me some time to look it over." It was a bit confusing and the timing of the piece was a bit confusing....haha, I'm just glad I wasn't the only one that got asked to cantor a song they didn't know. lol

Okay, I better wrap this up and pray before bed. Have a good night everyone!

Writing the Wrongs

So I'm been thinking about all the wrong things I've done or may have done for the past couple of years. I was always able to just talk myself into thinking those were right things to do. Maybe I've been a bit too naive. I thought that by showing how much I care and love, that I could right all the wrongs. Every year, I say this is the last time I'll be doing something, then I find myself doing the same thing the year after. I really AM a fighter...but is it really worth fighting for now? Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I'm actually fighting for. I guess it's the feeling of knowing I won't give up without a tough fight makes it worth it. That sounds selfish. Maybe I am selfish and I'm only putting in countless hours on these projects because I derive a lot of pleasure from it. I enjoy working on them. Now I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay? Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself?

Anyway, you can't turn back time and you can't go back to the way things used to be, but you can make the best out of today and tomorrow and the day after. If two people care so much about each other, why on earth are they letting their pride keep them apart?

But wait, is realizing what you're worth and acting on it considered being prideful? Uh oh, my brain is fighting with my heart again. I guess I should give it a rest.

On another note, I'm singing for a wedding soon in April and I'm still thinking of good songs that are fitting. This is my first official wedding reception gig with my band! I'm kinda nervous...super excited!

I guess I'll just end this entry on a good note and keep it short for tonight....or this morning.... =]

Finished

And so it's done. My project is finished and I've gotta say. I'm pretty proud of myself. I think it's worth it even if some people think I'm wasting my time. After all, we should "love like there's no tomorrow" right?

So, I had been thinking about that. I heard it in a song at Emmanuel's meeting. If today was my last day on Earth, how would I live it? How would I love? I would love 'til it hurts. I would love with humility. Some people may call me hopeless romantic, or even pathetic. But, at least at the end of it all, I can say that I really gave it my all, and I really loved 'til it hurt. There wouldn't be any what ifs, because I would've done it all.

Anyway, since I've had so much time alone at home because my grandma and mom sleep with the baby at my aunt's house, I've been able to feel what it's like to really be alone. I've gotta admit, I like it. I like having the time to myself. I do feel lonely...but I think it's good for me to feel lonely...to accept my loneliness at times...to call on Jesus when I'm lonely.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to start doing. I really want to build something. I really want to build a house. I was thinking of doing Habitat for Humanity. That would be so fun! I know I've mentioned this before but I want to travel to other countries to help build homes for the poor and feed the hungry. I sent in my grad school applications already, but if for any reason, I don't get accepted anywhere, I really would not mind traveling and doing some labor intensive stuff....get my hands dirty! Sometimes I find myself day dreaming about this stuff. I've also thought about having a companion on this journey. It would be so nice to have someone who's as passionate about doing this kind of stuff as I am. We could just travel the world together...building one house at a time..haha...now I kinda wanna get up and jump around. Wait...lemme just do that real quick....

Phew! okay. That was a lot of adrenaline. haha
Anyway, I should probably calm myself down before I go to bed. It's unhealthy to go to bed when your heart isn't beating at regular pace.

By the way, I think I might try the fruit cleanse starting tomorrow. It's just eating fruits and drinking water for a whole week. Wish me luck!

Passion

Wondering why it's 4:20 am and I'm still awake blogging? I just felt that it was worthy of blogging. I've spent the past 3 hours building something that I thought wouldn't be that tough to build. I mean, all you have to do is match the numbers right? Wrong. There are so many pieces and I really didn't know where to start. But! after 3 hours, I've managed to put most of it together and it's lookin' pretty darn awesome! When I'm done with it, I'll be sure to post a picture. I can't really say what it is just yet...just in case.

Nothing really can stop me when I am passionate about it. Well, besides my rational mind. haha. I guess after a while, my mind started saying, okay Tracy, you have to wake up at 9 tomorrow for work and you're still wide awake working on this thing. Go to sleep before you end up looking like a zombie tomorrow. I guess I understand why some people enjoy creating things so much. It's so self-gratifying knowing that you've accomplished something with your bare hands. I think it's a big motivation too if you were making it for someone.

Anyway, I better stop before I divulge too much information. The point is, I've been hand-making things and I really love it! I love thinking of ways to make it work. I love the feeling when I've gotten it to work. I love the gradual process. You can't take two pieces and slap it together and hope that it will work. You have to find that missing piece that will hold them together. Like in relationships, if you don't have that missing piece (God), you either won't work, or you'll eventually fall apart.

Anyway, it is super passed my bedtime. I better catch some zZzzZz.

I Don't Know Much

When I read other people's blogs, it just blows me away how profound it can be. The things that people write about God are so insightful and educated. I should spend more time reading the Bible. I could spend more time contemplating on passages. Yet, the only thing I find myself naturally doing is to pray. I pray hard. If anyone asked me about Bible verses or parables, I probably wouldn't be able to name them all, or describe or explain them. The only thing I know is that if I didn't have God in my life, I would not know what Faith was. Faith is what got me this far.

I guess today's themes are Faith and Sacrifice.

I just started reading The Purpose Driven Life again. A friend had bought it for me a while ago but I never got around to finishing it. Our purpose is to live out God's dreams for us, even if it's not OUR dreams. That's what Rick Warren said.

--------------------------------------------------

I kind of took a break. A friend called and I had to put this entry aside. Anyway, we won't talk about the book tonight. I'm a bit tired and don't really want to talk about anything too deep.

I really want to start training for the half marathon in Long Beach. I feel like I need to stop being so lazy and wake up early in the morning to go to daily Mass and then go for a run. I'm so afraid that my calves are going to get even thicker once I start running. It's already HUGE! (Oh man, thank goodness for the "delete" button. It would've been really embarrassing if I couldn't fix my typo.) Anyway, so I'm excited about the training. Hopefully this will help with my health too.

So I sent in all my application documents to Cal State Fullerton but I got a phone call today from the Counseling department. Gina Marie said that I am missing one more letter of recommendation which was impossible since I made sure all my recommenders sent in their letters. What I think happened was that one of my recommenders sent his way to early so they must have misplaced it. So, now I have to make sure that the letter is in by Wednesday in order to be considered. *crossing fingers* I really hope John gets my email in time and send out the letter before deadline.

I think that's been the most stressful thing I've had on my mind the whole day. I had dinner with one of my best friends. It was nice to just spend some time with her again, since I was starting to feel like we had drifted apart. I think it was mainly because I felt like she was beginning to get tired of hearing me talk about one specific thing, all the time. But we didn't talk about that one specific thing this time. I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I just don't think it would make any difference for me to talk about it anyway. It doesn't make me feel any better. So, we didn't. We went shopping instead. I found the perfect dress to wear for the next wedding I'll be attending. tee hee. After that, it can be for any fancy occasion I guess.

Anyway, Rosey wanted to go to Bloomingdales to find boots. Her mom had bought her a really expensive bag that she didn't like. She didn't like it because it was name brand and we both don't give a hoot about name brand stuff unless it's like on a crazy sale. haha. So she returned her bag and got a gift card. You know, I enjoy wearing clothes that are trendy and fashionable, but I just don't understand why people have to be so unreasonable as to buy such expensive clothes. I get that it must be way better quality, but really? A blouse for $158? Talk about consumerism. I'm fine with shopping at Forever 21, or any other fashion stores. At least I know I've spend 3 times less for so much more cute clothes. =D

Anyway, enough about that. It's time for my favorite part of the night. Except, tonight it's the Sorrowful mysteries. =\

Have a good night world. Don't forget to count your blessings!

Demons

I'm realizing more and more each day that all the demons in my life are really getting in the way of my happiness. They have probably been the reason for many of my struggles. I yearn for the ability to fully trust. How can I love fully and unconditionally if I don't have complete trust? I think my being so detail-oriented has a bit to do with why I don't completely trust. I read between the lines too much...or I just overanalyze. I don't think it has anything to do with my interest in psychology. I think it was how I grew up.

I admit I have a huge jealousy problem. This has probably gotten me into much more trouble than I ever intended for it too. I know that I shouldn't be jealous of anyone or of anything. I am who God has made me. There is only one me in this whole world. God took so much time to mold me. I would only be ungrateful when I begin to get jealous. God gave me so much worth in this world, even though I am so unworthy. I truly believe that God has been preparing me for this Lenten season. He wants me to lay it all down, let it all go, leave everything behind and walk with Him through this desert.

Lent is a season of soul-searching and repentance. I am beginning to do a lot of soul searching. Everything that I've struggled with for the past couple of months have been so overwhelming. I've had so many mixed emotions; from anger, sadness, resentment, to understanding, love, and sympathy. I know that the most important elements here are love and understanding. I find myself becoming more understanding, or trying to become more understanding and loving. I feel my heart being lifted whenever I seek to understand; when I let my pride aside. Some of my friends and people in my community have asked me why I do it, even when it doesn't really cause any changes for me in terms of happiness. Even though Jesus was rejected, He continued to love. Although it is nice to be loved, I don't have to be loved to love. I struggle with this sometimes because I am human and I do need to feel loved. Someone once told me that you need at least 8 hugs per day to be okay and 12 hugs for growth. I haven't had many great hugs lately and I feel like I'm missing something... so I think he's right....I think Virginia Satir is right, but props to him for getting the information.

I heard in a homily once, that everything created by God is good and that it's up to man to place a value on it. No one is too good for anyone. It is how much value you give to yourself and to others. If you can accept God's love, then there is no reason to reject others' love because the love that people are willing to give to you is an extension of God's love for you.

So it's true. I have a lot of demons but this Lenten season, I'm determined to fight them off. It's also interesting to note that Lent officially ends on April 1, Holy Thursday. April was a very important month for me. I guess it still is but for a different reason now.

"I'm ready to believe; be strong enough. Give everything I am, and trust in Love. My heart longs to reach for You, the way I feel I wish You knew. I'm ready now, I'm ready to believe."

The best Read for Today

After 10am and noon mass today and helping Liwanag Alumni pack lunches for Liwanag retreatants, I decided that I wanted to pick up a book. I went to Barnes and Noble in search of a great book to read. I walked towards the Psychology section first but didn't see anything that catered to what I was looking for. I turned over to the Self-Improvement shelves and didn't find anything worth reading. Then I roamed over to the Christian books and saw some pretty awesome books, but to buy all of them would burn a whole through my tiny little wallet. So, I decided to go home. When I got home, I looked at my own book shelf and found a book someone had given to me as a gift. The Purpose Driven Life. I was set. I got my book and was going to head out to a nearby park to read. I had been feeling tired since after noon mass, and so in the car I started to doze off. Before I knew it, I fell asleep in my car.

My mom drove into the drive way and I quickly awoke. I didn't want her to scold me for sleeping in the car. So, I came into my house and decide to fix something light to eat. When I was finished I decided to browse the web. I hadn't been to this particular website in a while-fear being one of the reasons. But, today I decided that if this is the only way I could get some kind of update, I would give it a whirl. So I did. I typed in the address and somehow while the page was loading, I felt very nervous and anxious. It's sort of what I'm feeling right now as I'm writing this. The page began to load and I was bombarded with SO MUCH to read. I quickly searched for the beginning of where I left off.

I feel this sense of joy in my heart. God is really listening to my prayers.

I can't help but think about this song. I thought about it while I was reading one of the entries.

"I'd Rather"

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone)
and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection built on lies, all lies
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine,

I'd rather have bad times with (please be mine) you,
than good times with someone else (I know)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (anytime),
than safe and warm by myself (so sure baby)
I'd rather have hard times to gether,
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart (my heart)

I'd rather have bad times with you (surely),
than good times with someone else (surely)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (oh yeah),
than safe and warm by myself (all by myself)
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart (you know it)
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoooo.....who holds my heart

-Luther Vandross

You Can't Just Change Your Hair, You Have to Really Change

Yet another insightful episode of Grey's Anatomy. Avery tells little Grey that she can't just change her hair and expect to get noticed. She needs to stop being "mousy."

I was invited by a group of friends to train for the half marathon this Summer. I don't really run long distance, nor do I think I have the endurance to. But, I think this is a change that needs to happen. I never really gave myself a chance to test out my endurance in running. I always liked sprinting more, since in tennis, there's a lot of sprinting. I haven't played tennis is awhile. I must be pretty rusty.

At work today, I was just observing all my students. They are so carefree and innocent. Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again. Life has gotten way too complicated. Even though as a kid, I had more responsibilities than other kids-I had to help my mom with her work after homework and do chores around the house- I didn't go through emotional difficulties and distress. I still had fun with my friends. I went to birthday parties and roller-skated with my friends. Now, there's just so much to worry about.

I miss my friends. I miss my best friend.

@->---

Sometimes in life, you can't find it in your heart to do certain things. I can't find it in my heart to do a lot of things my mind wants to do. This makes things so complicated and difficult. Will this space really get me anywhere? Should I trust that it will? Feeling used and abused is not fun. The worst part is that I can't find it in my heart to be angry.

I can feel everyone just telling me to shut up; but if you ask, prepare to listen.

There's a little girl in my class that reminds me of another little girl I used to know. She was always witty and very cute. She died on my birthday 3 years ago.

When I was at a friend's dad's viewing. It was in the same place we had a viewing for my dad. I saw a flashback when I walked in; staring down the isle. I saw me, my mom, my brother, and you. We were all standing there. You bowed as guests came to offer their condolences. YOU bowed.

Why must it be all the life changing moments in my life?

Look at all these connections. How can we be broken?

I love just writing. I can write whatever i want to write and only I can really understand what I mean.

It's 2:47 in the morning. Scared to go sleep. Scared to wake up.

How to Just Be

I've noticed that I put off a lot of things; mainly to do things that I feel are in the immediate present; things that are urgent. I put off taking care of myself (as if that wasn't urgent, or important). It's really frustrating when you find yourself wanting to do so much but you just can't--or rather, you're not allowed to. That was kind of random wasn't it? I was thinking about something that someone had said on Grey's anatomy that made me think about something else. Hunt told Yang "I want to love you! Why won't you let me?!" So, it's one thing to love someone. It's another to allow them to. Interesting.

I've been having a lot of dreams that end up being unresolved. For example, I dreamt that I was going to see someone...the anticipation and excitement of seeing this person felt so real to me. I never got to see the person though. I remembered walking down the street and passing this house. I heard a barber shop quartet singing. I could've sworn I was smiling in reality.

I've been thinking too much about getting everything done all at once, when I really should just let it be and take things one step at a time. I can't rush the healing process. I owe it to myself to create this space.

On another note, I hate going to see a doctor and I hate needles- especially the ones that suck blood out of you. I know I should go get it done since I haven't and it's really bad that I haven't, but it just drains me when I have to mentally prepare for it all the time. This is such an inconvenient phobia.

At any rate, I didn't get everything on my to do list done today, but I'm glad I was able to completely finish something. It's tiring but when I can finish my mom's work for her and knowing that she's not having the back pain that comes from doing this job, makes it such a great accomplishment.

I'm starting to get hungry again, and I'm pretty close to making myself a bowl of noodles. BUT! I will make myself some almond tea instead. Good night world!

Optimism

Lately, I've been finding it very hard to be optimistic. I read someone's status today and it said something like when something doesn't work out, there's something better in store. I really want to believe in that but sometimes, I feel like when something doesn't work out, just suck it up and keep waking up everyday. That doesn't sound like me at all. I love to be optimistic and positive about things. I just feel like a lot of things are happening all at once and it's just not giving me a chance to let one thing digest before the next.

All the holidays this year somehow don't feel very much like holidays. I haven't found much strength to wake up in the morning to do active things. I'd love to wake up early in the morning to have a nice healthy breakfast before heading out to the gym. Then coming home and taking a nice shower before going to work. I only work from 2 to 6 everyday except for Wednesday. On Wednesdays, I work from 1 to 6. I don't make much money but I do make some kind of income to pay bills. Once I get off work, I'm pretty much drained. It's only 4-5 hours of work, but when you're working with hyper little 3rd and 4th graders, you exert a lot more energy than you would normally want to. So I come home tired but I stay up til 4 in the morning. Tell me why? If I'm so exhausted, why can't I just shut my eyes and go to bed?...

Anyway, it's been a tough week. My dad's 2-year "deathaversary" was on Wednesday. It's been 2 years but it still feels just yesterday that it happened. It's really a numbing pain. So many things have changed since. I have a different kind of support now from old and new friends. It feels so surreal not to have the kind of support I had 2 years ago (not that I don't appreciate the support I have now). When you're willing to be there for someone regardless of how much pain you're in but they're not willing to, it really does test whether or not you would be there regardless. But it's okay, at the end of the day, I'll thank God for molding me into the person that I am and for keeping my heart humble.

Sorry for sidetracking. My aunt was rushed to the hospital for a dangerous surgery that could leave her paralyzed if it was unsuccessful. She's back home now but she can hardly move. My mom says she's like a robot. I know God wouldn't allow anything bad to happen to her. She already has such a heavy cross to carry with an unhealthy baby.

Sometimes I feel so apathetic that it bugs me. I'm a worrier. I guess you could say that I worry a lot about things and people. That's probably why I love the feeling of taking care of someone or doing things to make people happy. It makes me sad when I'm not allowed to care, or better yet, to love. Guess I'll have to find another way to love then huh.

So I'm just rambling now because I really don't have anything insightful to say. I've had a long day. A lot of running around and trying to attend all the events i RSVP'd for and to be home for my own family's thing for my Dad. Oh! I made a cake for a friend's birthday today. I think that was the best part of my day. Being able to finish this cake on time even when I was trying to do all the other things. Here's the final product:



It's not as nice as I wanted it to be, but for my first cake using fondant, I think I'm happy with the way it looks. =] Now I need to find out when my next chance to bake another cake is...

Things have changed but I think this time around, it changed because I changed. Maybe if I had dealt with things a little differently, whatever is happening now would have happened then and maybe by now, situations would have been a lot more different. Whatever the case, I know that I'll look back and laugh when I read this blog...this very part of this blog.

Hope and Faith

The words "hope" and "faith" have been appearing a lot. It's almost like this is a prime time to have a lot of hope and faith. I went to watch a movie called "Legion" today. It was a very interesting movie. The message was pretty powerful.

CAUTION: If you're going to watch the movie please skip this part where I basically would ruin it for you by telling what the movie's about.

The movie begins with a woman talking about how she and her mom would talk about the prophecies; how there's going to be darkness in the world and fate of mankind will be decided. Her mom said that God was mad at his children because He was tired of all the "bullshit."

The woman talking is carrying a child who was supposed to change the fate of mankind; to save mankind. God lost faith in man and wanted to destroy mankind. He sent Angel Michael to make sure that the baby was not born because that would change the fate of mankind. Angel Michael still had faith and hope for mankind and wanted to convince God but Angel Gabriel wanted to please God.

Angel Michael comes to protect the baby before Angel Gabriel came to destroy him.

Both angels fought and Gabriel kills Michael.

When Gabriel caught up to the baby and was about to kill him, Michael comes down. Gabriel was surprised to see Michael because he had killed him. When he asked how Michael was able to come back, Michael said that it was because he helped God to have hope and faith again.

* * * * *

I loved the message and it was stirring a lot of feelings inside of me. I continue to be hopeful and faithful to the promise He has given. I also need to accept my limitations and know that I cannot handle everything all at once. I need to take one step at a time. I need to give myself space to heal. I wasn't sure what loving from a distance meant before but I think I'm starting to understand. Even though I need to stay away for awhile, I will always be there.

And to the one who has been so good to me during this time... God will provide. I can't give you what you want, but I'll always try to give you what you need. Thank you for being such a great friend to me. You deserve someone great; someone whose heart is full enough to reciprocate the same kind of love.

Courage

I did what I thought was impossible to do. I took the risk and just said what I should have said a long time ago with great hope that it will turn this all around and that I'll find peace. It took me a while to get to writing it down, and it took me even longer to hit the send button but I know that it's for the best.

I don't understand how there's such a good guy standing right in front of me, willing to give me anything I needed, willing to take care of me and my family forever, and willing to fully commit...but I can't feel anything. Why does this world have to be so complicated? Okay, maybe not this world, but my world just can't be simple. Because of courtesy and respect, boundaries cannot be crossed, especially when you're all part of such a close-knit community. The good thing is I'm still just 22. I guess it could be worse but I have all this time to explore. Broken hearts are inevitable right? That just means I had a chance to love and be loved.

I wish I could write about more interesting things but somehow my blogs are almost always, or related to, love. Can't help it, it's part of my every day life.

Okay, let's talk about something different. I got a job working with kids. At first, it was just a sub-position. So, whenever someone calls in sick, I fill in for them. My title is sub-program leader. Every elementary and middle school in the SAUSD has an afterschool program called Think Together. As a program leader, we are in charge of a classroom of kids. Well, I got called in to sub for a whole week at Taft Elementary. When I walked in, the other PLs were updating me on what happened. My class is the most rowdy; they even made the last sub cry. What had happened was that their PL got promoted to site coordinator, so they got another PL. This new guy didn't really have good control over the class so the kids really took advantage of him. He decided to leave without telling his class (I guess because he couldn't take them) so then a sub was assigned to them. That's the one they made cry. Well, now it was my turn to either whip them into shape, or quit like the others.

I'm not a quitter, at least, not when it comes to this kind of stuff. Stubborn people tend to be this way. heh. Anyway, so I came in and yes, they were trying to fool me. They were really noisy, mischievous, and disrespectful. Even when I was yelling and reprimanding some of them, they just laughed at me. I wasn't going to tolerate that kind of behavior. So, first I thought of an incentive for their good behavior. I bought prizes and told them that by the end of the week, if they were good, they would be able to pick out a prize. I thought I would stay only for a week so it would be fun to give out prizes. Well, the prizes worked. Most of them were very well behaved. At the end of the week, they even said they didn't want me to go. I know much of it was due to the fact that I brought them stuff. So, I didn't want to just give up on them. I know that one of the main reasons why they misbehave is because they're the only class that does not have a stable PL. So, I spoke to the Site Coordinator and now, I'm their permanent PL.

Well, it has been pretty bad. I didn't bring prizes and told them that they have to be good even when I don't have prizes for them. They blatantly said, " I was only good so that I could get the prize." It made me pretty upset. I came back in on Wednesday and they were not being good at all. Some of them are adorable and are good all the time. But there are some that really get of my last nerve. So, today, I was pretty mean. I told them that there will be no warnings or chances. They would've had more fun with the prizes had they been good, but because they act the way that they do, I was going to start giving consequences for bad behaviors instead. So, I scared them with the Behavior Notification Forms, and boy were they quit then. I hate being mean to these kids, but I don't get paid enough to yell and use so much of my energy. I really feel like I'm getting sick because of having to raise my voice all the time. My "condition" has been pretty bad. My thyroid has been pretty good til the last couple of days. It has been so inflamed. On top of that, my ribs are still hurting pretty badly. I don't think the yelling helps. If it doesn't go away by next week, I probably will have to go get it checked out. I know I didn't fracture anything, but what if something is wrong inside. Please pray for me...and for the kids I'm working with.

Alright, I just took a vicodin and getting pretty drowsy. Hope for a better day tomorrow. May God walk with me and grant me strength.

Have a good night everybody! God bless you!

Good Goodbyes

Is there such a thing as a good goodbye?

I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I used to think that TV dramas, especially Korean dramas, are dramatic because they leave things out to create the drama but in reality, it wouldn't be that way.

For example.

Say there's two guys and a girl. The girl loves one of the guys (guy #1), but can't tell him because the two guys are best friends and the other guy (guy #2) loves her. There's a big love triangle but things can't be spoken.

That's just one example, but I feel like there's a possibility that my life could be that dramatic too. There are things that I can't say for the sake of someone else, even though I'm being ridiculed for it. I guess it's okay though, because as long as I know I'm doing the right thing, then it doesn't matter what people think. God knows and that's all that matters.

I've been debating about whether or not to stick around. I'm not sure that I can. At least not now. I feel like I've tried to keep the water running for as long as I could, and it might have run dry already. I didn't listen to anyone when they told me about my self-worth. I'm beginning to see where I stand.

God is definitely taking care of me through my community of friends. I didn't know that I would be joining everyone in Mammoth last weekend. I actually got my mom's approvable and packed in 10 minutes on Friday night. We headed out to Mammoth at around midnight when everyone was picked up. It was almost like it was meant to happen. I snowboarded for the first time! Mammoth snow is the best! It's so soft and fluffy. Falling on my butt has never been so much fun! Except during the second round, when it got windy and I was overly confident. I ate it, and fell on my ribs. It's still bruised up from the inside, but advil helped ease the pain. Mammoth was truly a beautiful place to be. During the lift, I got to see the slopes from up high. It was so beautiful and white! It made me think. I would've missed out on this had things been different.

I really believe that if you really want something, you'll do anything to get it. I did everything I could for what I wanted and I will continue to do everything in my power to preserve happiness, even if I have to go through the pain first.

Love is patient...

It's a blessing for me to have had so many distractions these past few days. I met really awesome people that I know will help me grow in many ways. But now that it's all coming to an end, I feel like I have to work a lot harder to keep my mind centered. I wait with my expectations and I'm letting things be so that things may be clearer.

I'm giving so much by holding back and I believe that God will ignite that fire when the right time comes.

Resolutions

It's been a long four days and I've realized a lot of things about myself through talking to certain people that came on the trip. I'm glad I stayed rather than leaving home early on Friday. God must have been responsible for my change of mind.

There are many new things I learned from observation and from the things people have shared with me. I'm not really sure why all of this is happening right now, but I'm going to continue to pray about this and hope that God will shed some light on it and make things clearer for me.

I'm beginning to learn how to really love myself. It's such an amazing feeling when I can just feel at peace about letting something go. I'm beginning to believe that some risks are worth taking.

My new year's resolutions:

Remind myself of my self-worth
Take risks
Be firm about what I want
Be honest about what I don't want
Begin and end with a prayer
Make an effort to balance out the amount of time I spend with friends and with family

I think those are the most important things I want to work on this year. If I come up with more, I'll make sure to add it to the list. But, I think this is a pretty good list. =]