Took a Break From Myself

Some people underestimate how insightful tv shows can be. Many think it's a waste of time to sit and watch tv shows but you can actually learn a lot. Yes, some shows are just garbage and a waste of time, but some carry messages that many can relate to, only if they watched it.

I was watching a show called Greek this afternoon. It's about fraternities and sororities and college life (I know, it sounds like garbage), but it's really not bad. In this episode, the seniors were preparing to graduate and move on. Casey, one of the sorority girls got accepted into Washington law school. She was afraid to leave her college life and boyfriend, to venture into something more challenging. She told her best friend, "maybe I'm not as strong as you think I am." Her best friend, then, said, "maybe you just took a break from yourself." It was then that I thought, maybe I took a break from myself. Where have I been? It dawned on me that I have not been the best version of me. I guess one thing remained the same though, I was always persistent. I guess now it's about changing direction. I think I was just afraid of making this transition before. There's no holding me back now. I owe this to myself.

This Holy Week, I am determined to carry my crosses no matter how heavy they are. It's no coincidence that I've faced so many struggles and humility during this Lenten season. All I know is, Jesus sacrificed his life on the Cross...the least I can do for Him is to trust; to lay down my pride; to find humility; to love unconditionally; to be thankful...

I'm letting go of the rest.

Ironman

After watching Ironman on tv at my aunt's salon, I felt so inspired. There was a nun who was racing and she's 76 years old! She made it through the swim, the biking, and the 26 mile run. I think I'm going to start slow and build up to that. I'll start with the half mile marathon this October, and work my way up. I can't imagine how awesome it must feel to be able to do all that. At one point I even got teary-eyed because of some of the stories behind some of the champions.

I need to apologize to myself first and foremost. I haven't been taken very good care of myself. It's time to pick up the slack and revive this relationship. I was too busy trying to do other foolish things that I had completely neglected this second most important relationship- my relationship with myself. My most important relationship is with the Big Guy in the sky. That's been going steady, but now I need to work on me.

I might sound a bit too egoistic, but I think everyone should be to a certain extent. We should all take care of ourselves first and think of our needs before we can meet anyone else's. Which is why it's all about me at this moment. All about me, my family, my awesome community, and last but not least my God.

I want to start running every morning before work, and train with the crew at night. It's going to be pretty crazy but me running 26 miles is crazy, but possible!

I'd like to go to daily Mass for this coming Holy week or at least Adoration. Hopefully I'll be able to. Anyway, gotta catch some Zz now so I can have energy for tomorrow.

Good night everyone. =]

Such an Epiphany

I'm not a floor mat! If that's not clear enough, then I don't know what is.

I've got two words...


peace out.

And to everyone else, have a good night.

P.S
Thanks to some really good friends of mine who have been so supportive. There was a lot of tough love, but I really appreciate all of that.

I wish I had woken up to a bad dream this morning, but sadly, it was reality. Even though it was tough to hear, I think I've come to terms with this. I have exhausted every possibility and done everything I could, but I guess it's tougher to gain someone's trust than I thought, especially when you thought you had their trust. Then again, who's to say I can trust that easily?

Nothing is worse than fear. At work, we started this system where we give students fake money as an incentive. So what I did was create citations. I give out money when students are behaving exceptionally or when they've answered a question correctly, etc. but I also give citations to those who misbehave. I give them the amount they have to pay and a due date. They can choose to do community service (picking up trash in the classroom before leaving, making sure the snack area is cleaned, etc) or redeem themselves to get more money to pay off their citation before the due date. This is such an awesome way to teach them responsibility on top of good behavior. The point I want to get at is that fear can really affect people. When I say "if you don't stop talking, I'm going to give you a citation," they all stop talking. The fear of losing money made them stop talking.

There are other fears like fear of spiders, fear of needles, fear of height. Personally, I hate needles. I used to pass out at the sight of blood or when I'm having blood drawn. It's just the thought of my own blood flowing out of my body, through a tiny tube, and into a vile. Now, I don't pass out anymore because I've learned to control my fear. I've learned to condition my mind so that I'm able to go through a procedure without passing out. As much as I fear having blood drawn, I have to do it because that's the only way I can keep my health in check.

Another fear some people may have is of roller coasters. They fear that once they get on the roller coaster there's no going back; that they might not be able to handle the twists and turns or they might be afraid of falling out of the roller coaster. People who love roller coasters will tell you that it's super fun and such an adrenaline rush. But some people have never been on a roller coaster to experience that thrill and excitement because of their fear.

So when do you face your fear(s) and just go for it?

I've faced one of my fears for a very long time and had so much trust that I would conquer it...but I failed miserably almost every time... I guess I had too much trust. Maybe it wasn't the right fear I should've been trying to face. I think I'm ready to face this new fear now. I'm sorry I'm being so vague. I might have a lot of typos too because I didn't sleep til 5 in the morning and I woke up at 10 to go for a run. It was actually a really good run. I sprinted a couple of times and THAT felt awesome! But anyway, my thighs are sore and I'm super tired.

It's 12 am, March 26, 2010. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Now I can sleep. Good night!

The Last of my Efforts

I think I did everything I could. It's been such a long 3 days. I have literally been on my feet from morning to night everyday. From preparing to baking to cooking. I'm surprised I got it all done. The most important thing is that it was a success. More people came than we thought and the birthday boy was happy.

I wish I was better at not having expectations. It just happens so subconsciously though. I can't help it.

It sucks when you want to help but you end up messing up more than helping. My mom came home today and she looked kind of upset. I didn't know what was wrong and I was so busy getting the food cooked that I didn't ask. She finally told me that I inserted the chips to the mother boards wrong. So my mom helps my aunt with her job. She puts together parts for machines like DVD players, gaming machines, etc. I felt so bad. I just didn't want my mom to have to hurt her back inserting every little chip. Even my back hurts after I finish them. So I'm a little bummed because of that.

Anyway, maybe what I need to do is just step back.

How strange is it that I find myself not being able to finish certain things like continuing to read "The Purpose Driven Life" but I am able to stay up til the wee hours of the morning to finish something else that, to some people, may be a waste of time.

Anyway, that was just something I was thinking about while I was thinking about what to entitle this entry.

I saw a movie yesterday with two good friends of mine. I'm usually not into what I call "stupid humor" (no offense to people who like The Hangover, or Beerfest), but She's Out Of My League was pretty funny. Well, I don't think I enjoyed the humor as much as I enjoyed the story line. I liked how the scrawny dorky guy ended up with the hot girl. In most movies I've seen, when a couple breaks up, there's always at least one friend that does something to get them back together. I feel like most times, I'm that friend that always wants to fix everything. It's funny because I can't even fix my own problems. Do girls really get turned off when the guy says that they're perfect or puts them on a pedestal? I mean, I guess I would feel kind of weird...well, I have felt weird about it before. No one is perfect, but I guess the guy in the movie was right. When you love someone, they're a 10 in your eyes.

So, I caught myself daydreaming about going to volunteer abroad again. I really can't help it. I probably shouldn't think about it too much. But then again, what if I don't get into grad school? Then I'm definitely going. Is it bad that I sometimes hope to not get into grad school so that I can go build houses? haha. *knock on wood*

Since that may not happen any time soon, let's talk about work. I'm going to start a club soon for the kids. It's going to be a *drum rolls please*....MUSIC CLUB! That's right! I'm going to teach these kids some music theory and singing! It'll just be basic do re mi fa sol. I'm going to teach them how to sing Do Re Mi from The Sound of Music. LOL I'm really excited about it. It's going to be different, and it'll be fun for them on Fridays. I told my kids if they behave and finish all their homework for a week, I'm going to bring them ice cream. So, we'll see how it goes. They were being bad the other day so I gave them a seating chart today, and voila! It was sooo quiet during homework time, we got compliments from the site coordinator. Who knew I could tame these wild kids huh? hehe Just kidding. They are really good kids. I never thought I'd do something like this for a job, but thanks to a certain someone for suggesting it. It really does help me be more patient, even though sometimes I wanna rip my hair out. It's hard to know how to treat these kids sometimes. We underestimate how much they know and we treat them like 3rd and 4th graders, but boy, they're not as innocent as we think they are.

Oh boy! It's 1:45am and I'm still up. I've been waking up really late every morning. My goal has been to wake up early to go for a run before I go to work, but I'm been sleeping so late that I can't wake up early enough to go for a run. I remember when I used to be able to wake up at 8 to go to Mass. I gotta work harder!

I'm singing for a Mass at RE Congress tomorrow. Jesse Manibusan is such a homie. We had rehearsal today and I had only looked over the music the night before. It's a bit intimidating sitting in a room full of really talented musicians and vocalists. I guess I have to thank my high school choir director for teaching me how to sight read. Jesse asked me to cantor one of the songs he wrote. Is is a coincidence that that was the only song I didn't listen to on the recordings? I was like, "oh sure I can do it...but uhh, give me some time to look it over." It was a bit confusing and the timing of the piece was a bit confusing....haha, I'm just glad I wasn't the only one that got asked to cantor a song they didn't know. lol

Okay, I better wrap this up and pray before bed. Have a good night everyone!

Writing the Wrongs

So I'm been thinking about all the wrong things I've done or may have done for the past couple of years. I was always able to just talk myself into thinking those were right things to do. Maybe I've been a bit too naive. I thought that by showing how much I care and love, that I could right all the wrongs. Every year, I say this is the last time I'll be doing something, then I find myself doing the same thing the year after. I really AM a fighter...but is it really worth fighting for now? Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I'm actually fighting for. I guess it's the feeling of knowing I won't give up without a tough fight makes it worth it. That sounds selfish. Maybe I am selfish and I'm only putting in countless hours on these projects because I derive a lot of pleasure from it. I enjoy working on them. Now I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay? Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself?

Anyway, you can't turn back time and you can't go back to the way things used to be, but you can make the best out of today and tomorrow and the day after. If two people care so much about each other, why on earth are they letting their pride keep them apart?

But wait, is realizing what you're worth and acting on it considered being prideful? Uh oh, my brain is fighting with my heart again. I guess I should give it a rest.

On another note, I'm singing for a wedding soon in April and I'm still thinking of good songs that are fitting. This is my first official wedding reception gig with my band! I'm kinda nervous...super excited!

I guess I'll just end this entry on a good note and keep it short for tonight....or this morning.... =]

Finished

And so it's done. My project is finished and I've gotta say. I'm pretty proud of myself. I think it's worth it even if some people think I'm wasting my time. After all, we should "love like there's no tomorrow" right?

So, I had been thinking about that. I heard it in a song at Emmanuel's meeting. If today was my last day on Earth, how would I live it? How would I love? I would love 'til it hurts. I would love with humility. Some people may call me hopeless romantic, or even pathetic. But, at least at the end of it all, I can say that I really gave it my all, and I really loved 'til it hurt. There wouldn't be any what ifs, because I would've done it all.

Anyway, since I've had so much time alone at home because my grandma and mom sleep with the baby at my aunt's house, I've been able to feel what it's like to really be alone. I've gotta admit, I like it. I like having the time to myself. I do feel lonely...but I think it's good for me to feel lonely...to accept my loneliness at times...to call on Jesus when I'm lonely.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to start doing. I really want to build something. I really want to build a house. I was thinking of doing Habitat for Humanity. That would be so fun! I know I've mentioned this before but I want to travel to other countries to help build homes for the poor and feed the hungry. I sent in my grad school applications already, but if for any reason, I don't get accepted anywhere, I really would not mind traveling and doing some labor intensive stuff....get my hands dirty! Sometimes I find myself day dreaming about this stuff. I've also thought about having a companion on this journey. It would be so nice to have someone who's as passionate about doing this kind of stuff as I am. We could just travel the world together...building one house at a time..haha...now I kinda wanna get up and jump around. Wait...lemme just do that real quick....

Phew! okay. That was a lot of adrenaline. haha
Anyway, I should probably calm myself down before I go to bed. It's unhealthy to go to bed when your heart isn't beating at regular pace.

By the way, I think I might try the fruit cleanse starting tomorrow. It's just eating fruits and drinking water for a whole week. Wish me luck!

Passion

Wondering why it's 4:20 am and I'm still awake blogging? I just felt that it was worthy of blogging. I've spent the past 3 hours building something that I thought wouldn't be that tough to build. I mean, all you have to do is match the numbers right? Wrong. There are so many pieces and I really didn't know where to start. But! after 3 hours, I've managed to put most of it together and it's lookin' pretty darn awesome! When I'm done with it, I'll be sure to post a picture. I can't really say what it is just yet...just in case.

Nothing really can stop me when I am passionate about it. Well, besides my rational mind. haha. I guess after a while, my mind started saying, okay Tracy, you have to wake up at 9 tomorrow for work and you're still wide awake working on this thing. Go to sleep before you end up looking like a zombie tomorrow. I guess I understand why some people enjoy creating things so much. It's so self-gratifying knowing that you've accomplished something with your bare hands. I think it's a big motivation too if you were making it for someone.

Anyway, I better stop before I divulge too much information. The point is, I've been hand-making things and I really love it! I love thinking of ways to make it work. I love the feeling when I've gotten it to work. I love the gradual process. You can't take two pieces and slap it together and hope that it will work. You have to find that missing piece that will hold them together. Like in relationships, if you don't have that missing piece (God), you either won't work, or you'll eventually fall apart.

Anyway, it is super passed my bedtime. I better catch some zZzzZz.

I Don't Know Much

When I read other people's blogs, it just blows me away how profound it can be. The things that people write about God are so insightful and educated. I should spend more time reading the Bible. I could spend more time contemplating on passages. Yet, the only thing I find myself naturally doing is to pray. I pray hard. If anyone asked me about Bible verses or parables, I probably wouldn't be able to name them all, or describe or explain them. The only thing I know is that if I didn't have God in my life, I would not know what Faith was. Faith is what got me this far.

I guess today's themes are Faith and Sacrifice.

I just started reading The Purpose Driven Life again. A friend had bought it for me a while ago but I never got around to finishing it. Our purpose is to live out God's dreams for us, even if it's not OUR dreams. That's what Rick Warren said.

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I kind of took a break. A friend called and I had to put this entry aside. Anyway, we won't talk about the book tonight. I'm a bit tired and don't really want to talk about anything too deep.

I really want to start training for the half marathon in Long Beach. I feel like I need to stop being so lazy and wake up early in the morning to go to daily Mass and then go for a run. I'm so afraid that my calves are going to get even thicker once I start running. It's already HUGE! (Oh man, thank goodness for the "delete" button. It would've been really embarrassing if I couldn't fix my typo.) Anyway, so I'm excited about the training. Hopefully this will help with my health too.

So I sent in all my application documents to Cal State Fullerton but I got a phone call today from the Counseling department. Gina Marie said that I am missing one more letter of recommendation which was impossible since I made sure all my recommenders sent in their letters. What I think happened was that one of my recommenders sent his way to early so they must have misplaced it. So, now I have to make sure that the letter is in by Wednesday in order to be considered. *crossing fingers* I really hope John gets my email in time and send out the letter before deadline.

I think that's been the most stressful thing I've had on my mind the whole day. I had dinner with one of my best friends. It was nice to just spend some time with her again, since I was starting to feel like we had drifted apart. I think it was mainly because I felt like she was beginning to get tired of hearing me talk about one specific thing, all the time. But we didn't talk about that one specific thing this time. I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I just don't think it would make any difference for me to talk about it anyway. It doesn't make me feel any better. So, we didn't. We went shopping instead. I found the perfect dress to wear for the next wedding I'll be attending. tee hee. After that, it can be for any fancy occasion I guess.

Anyway, Rosey wanted to go to Bloomingdales to find boots. Her mom had bought her a really expensive bag that she didn't like. She didn't like it because it was name brand and we both don't give a hoot about name brand stuff unless it's like on a crazy sale. haha. So she returned her bag and got a gift card. You know, I enjoy wearing clothes that are trendy and fashionable, but I just don't understand why people have to be so unreasonable as to buy such expensive clothes. I get that it must be way better quality, but really? A blouse for $158? Talk about consumerism. I'm fine with shopping at Forever 21, or any other fashion stores. At least I know I've spend 3 times less for so much more cute clothes. =D

Anyway, enough about that. It's time for my favorite part of the night. Except, tonight it's the Sorrowful mysteries. =\

Have a good night world. Don't forget to count your blessings!

Demons

I'm realizing more and more each day that all the demons in my life are really getting in the way of my happiness. They have probably been the reason for many of my struggles. I yearn for the ability to fully trust. How can I love fully and unconditionally if I don't have complete trust? I think my being so detail-oriented has a bit to do with why I don't completely trust. I read between the lines too much...or I just overanalyze. I don't think it has anything to do with my interest in psychology. I think it was how I grew up.

I admit I have a huge jealousy problem. This has probably gotten me into much more trouble than I ever intended for it too. I know that I shouldn't be jealous of anyone or of anything. I am who God has made me. There is only one me in this whole world. God took so much time to mold me. I would only be ungrateful when I begin to get jealous. God gave me so much worth in this world, even though I am so unworthy. I truly believe that God has been preparing me for this Lenten season. He wants me to lay it all down, let it all go, leave everything behind and walk with Him through this desert.

Lent is a season of soul-searching and repentance. I am beginning to do a lot of soul searching. Everything that I've struggled with for the past couple of months have been so overwhelming. I've had so many mixed emotions; from anger, sadness, resentment, to understanding, love, and sympathy. I know that the most important elements here are love and understanding. I find myself becoming more understanding, or trying to become more understanding and loving. I feel my heart being lifted whenever I seek to understand; when I let my pride aside. Some of my friends and people in my community have asked me why I do it, even when it doesn't really cause any changes for me in terms of happiness. Even though Jesus was rejected, He continued to love. Although it is nice to be loved, I don't have to be loved to love. I struggle with this sometimes because I am human and I do need to feel loved. Someone once told me that you need at least 8 hugs per day to be okay and 12 hugs for growth. I haven't had many great hugs lately and I feel like I'm missing something... so I think he's right....I think Virginia Satir is right, but props to him for getting the information.

I heard in a homily once, that everything created by God is good and that it's up to man to place a value on it. No one is too good for anyone. It is how much value you give to yourself and to others. If you can accept God's love, then there is no reason to reject others' love because the love that people are willing to give to you is an extension of God's love for you.

So it's true. I have a lot of demons but this Lenten season, I'm determined to fight them off. It's also interesting to note that Lent officially ends on April 1, Holy Thursday. April was a very important month for me. I guess it still is but for a different reason now.

"I'm ready to believe; be strong enough. Give everything I am, and trust in Love. My heart longs to reach for You, the way I feel I wish You knew. I'm ready now, I'm ready to believe."