Why?

Why don't good things happen to good people? I overheard my mom talking on the phone about my aunt; the one whose first child was born outside of her womb so he didn't make it and now is carrying a baby. She was really happy and so were we. It was so awesome to feel the baby kicking. Just the thought of person carrying another life inside is just amazing. My mom was saying that there were some complications with the baby and he's missing xyz. I couldn't hear exactly what my mom was saying but it didn't sound good. My aunt prays everyday and she's so involved in her church. She sings in the choir, she goes to retreats, she helps out..she does a lot. Her husband isn't Catholic so he's not involved as much..he's gotten better though. But my aunt was scared that because there are complications with the baby, her husband won't let her go to church and pray and stuff anymore. Poor auntie.

So something was wrong with the water system in the bathrooms at my house. We had a flood in one of the bathrooms a few days ago. My uncles came over and spent like 6 hours trying to fix it. They finally did...for a couple days. It's acting up again. I took a shower in the bathroom in the dining room, and the water started rising in the tub in the other bathroom. I went to do my business and flushed..but it wouldn't go down. sigh.

You know what that means...usually it's more money more problems...well in this case...it's more problems more money. It's gonna cost to having the plumbers come and fix it. =\

What a good way to start the new year...with plumbers in your house.

"I didn't know I didn't want it...til I didn't want it." Funny that sometimes it's true. I guess that's why some people take risks and say they don't regret anything they've done.

Another episode of Grey's Anatomy. I should probably warn you that my blogs are probably gonna make lots of references to this show....just so you know.

That's all.

Good night.

Merry Christmas.

Lose all troubles because after all, it's Christmas time...

right?

wrong. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for all that I've received and more but it just doesn't feel the same this year. I put on a smile and let out a few laughs I guess because it's Christmas time and nobody wants to see people frowning. The best gift I got this season is seeing my family opening gifts and laughing. My mom was laughing. That was the best gift she gave me and she didn't even know it.

Christmas will never be the same...actually just all holidays in general. But, I'm learning to adapt.

If there's one thing I realized today, it's the fact that no matter how much you want a person to be a certain way, sometimes they don't ...ooh wow I just fell asleep..

wow...so I felt asleep in a really weird position and now my neck hurts...

to be continued....

"Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you love someone...they just won't love you back the same way."

Great..now I'm quoting Grey's Anatomy.

Good night world.

Why do people do things they don't want to do?



If love were enough...

...and I've been waiting, for you to come.
It's hard 'cause I feel so alone,
And I just want you to come home...

ulcers

You know, if this keeps happening, I might have an ulcer and not even know it. I cannot be stressed out like this...I really hate being stressed out and it really doesn't do any good for my barely healthy body. urgh. I want to not have to stress out because really, God handles it all, but why is it so hard to stay cool sometimes? Everyone is depending on you. Oh great, my mom just gave me a shit load of clean laundry and put it on my bed....should I sleep or should I just stay up til it's time for work at 7am? I cannot miss work...no one has my back this time. F.

So I went to confession today. I thought it would make me feel better but it just left me empty, and feeling the same way I felt before it. Honestly, I think I'm my own worst enemy. Now that I feel like total shit.. (excuse my French)...what next?

There's so much I can do to make me stop feeling this...too bad that's not the way life works. Well, at least not the way I want it to work. That's why some people hold on hoping that there will be better days.

Will there be better days? I dunno...but I'm a curious one so we'll see what happens.

Call this trust...faith...

whatever.

have a...silent night.

Waking Up Just Wanting To Go Back...

So, I spent the whole day cleaning...just cleaning everything that was bugging me. Everything was bugging me practically. I cleaned the interior of my car only because it might rain tomorrow and that would defeat the purpose of washing my car. Anyway, I'm having the meanest headache because even though I wanted to clean to take my mind off things, I forgot that cleaning actually gives me time to think. The Christmas party was really nice. I loved the decorations, the music, the activities...just everything. Except..for some reason I didn't feel worthy to be there. As soon as I came in, I just felt so out of place. I'm not sure why I felt that way because everyone was welcoming. Bad marbles and nice pretty marbles don't fit together very well and I feel like I was one of the bad, chipped, marbles that was trying to fit in with the nice, shiny, colorful marbles. I'm not just talking about appearance either although everyone looked really nice.

I feel like I'm being condemned...on the surface, it sure doesn't look like it, but there are some things you can just feel coming from certain people. I don't blame them either. I understand why they would, but I wish I could speak up more so they could at least know what's going on inside my head...I don't expect anyone to understand.

Today was just a cold and gloomy day. Maybe that's why I feel a little bit more gloomy than usual.

You know, there are things I wish I didn't cause but it's too late. It's been done and I can't take it back. All I can really do is...wait...wait for things to just be normal again. It's better if I can keep my hands tied, and my mouth shut. I think I've caused enough trouble already.

And...I'm sorry.

Sunshine

The title of this entry really has nothing to do with the entry itself. I just want some sun right now cus it's super cold. Anyway, I have one final...final...and I really wanna get it over with. I'm so tired of studying and I feel like at this point, studying is not gonna do me any good. So, I'm gonna look over it one more time and call it quits.

Cheers to end of finals for me very very very soon!

Study Break

So, I decided that I'm not going to talk about it. Instead I'm going to write it down and it will be done and over it. Today was a long day and still is since I'm still up trying to study for a final that I MUST perfect in order to get a B+ in the class and boost my chances of getting on the Dean's list. Such an ambition, I know. There wasn't really anything to eat today and I was really craving some pizza. I had planned to order some pizza after I picked up my grama from work but when I got home, I noticed that my mom was preparing Pho. Well, I love her cooking but I had pho for 3 straight days...I wouldn't have mind eating it but I really had a gigantic craving for pizza. Anyway, I just ate pho...which was good and I'm grateful, but it wasn't pizza. Then, I continued to study...

Meanwhile, my mom is getting ready to go to this annual classical guitar concert event to fundraise money for the poor in Vietnam, and my dad used to perform there. I didn't want my mom to go alone, but I also wanted to get as much studying done as possible. My grandma was making me really angry because she doesn't want to go anywhere. I hate the fact that she just hides in her room and doesn't want to go anywhere when we ask her. She said that if she went, she would cry and she doesn't want to cry because her eyes get blurry. Well, picture this. My mom going all alone and crying all by herself...not a good image is it. No. So then my mom said, "Be Dai (that's what she calls me in Vietnamese), why don't you take grama and you guys can leave after they talk about your dad." So, I got ready and we left. When we got there, it was like I'm reliving moments that I never even had. I was so angry because I never made it to his concerts to watch his performances...and now I'm here, when I'm supposed to be studying to watch someone else play. I was angry. It pained me to watch my mom and to know that she's in double the pain. During intermission was when I had planned to take my grama home. Well that didn't happen because the little talk about my dad didn't happen until after the intermission. We were called up to sit in the front row. A clip of my dad playing guitar last year was posted as they talked about him. Then my grama and my mom got flowers. What killed me the most was that one of my dad's best friends played and the first two songs he played, were the songs my dad used to play. So, I actually waited til the end...when everyone was gone practically because my mom was still talking to this lady. Three hours of studying time....traded for painful memories and tears that were kept inside for a record time.

I feel like my family thinks I'm some kind of a super genius that can succeed without trying or I have no emotions and that my dad's passing can't possibly have any effect on me. So, I can go to school, get straight A's and be merry. NO! I can't do that! I cry too. I'm in pain too. I really don't know how much longer I can handle this. For real.

By the way...if anyone reads this, please don't ask me if I'm okay when you see me...thanks.

So now I'm going to get back to studying and pretend everything I'm reading about is registering.

Good nite.

I hate you.

Warning! Explicit content!

)#(^$*$%&(^#*)&(*!&$(*^%*@&(#*&$(@#$@#(&%^@$*&%^@#*)!(@#(*!&*&$@^%@$*%&@(#$!@*)_#(!@*#&%(@^$%*@&#%&!)(#$*!)@_$*!@)(&*%(!$&*^%!#*)$(&!@$_!@$(*)!#%&($@&%!#^*$&(!$(!@$)!*#(&%^!$*!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There...let me spare you the profanity and horribleness of what I just wrote.

I have a final today and my mind is really not there.

I'm being treated so indifferently. I guess that's fine. If that's gonna help you, I'll deal with it.


ARGHHGHGHARGHARHAHGHRHGHHHH!

I'm sorry Lakers lost. You must be bummed. Meo biet My Xao chac la dang gian meo, nhung ma meo hope rang My se bo qua...tha lam ban con hon nguoi dan right? I dunno.

Have a good night. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow neu My muon ngoi gan meo.

I'm not playing with your feelings.

So since I just have a bunch of random thoughts in no particular order right now, I'm just gonna put them all down...in no particular order.

It's my dad's birthday today.

I just finished putting more ornaments on the tree and finished the centerpieces. It looks nice to me, but I won't know otherwise if no one tells me anything. I'll wait...and I'll hope...and if no one says anything...at least I still have that cool feeling that I made my house look more Christmas-y.

I had a long night...really long and uncalled for. I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow to go visit my dad before I go to work.

I have a final on Wednesday...sigh.

I am failing at studying for the GRE...miserably. I can't seem to solve any of the problems. I got stuck with every problem I did, except for maybe 2.

Two broken individuals cannot mend each others' brokenness. Or it's just really really really hard and I don't think I am capable of doing that.

I'm sorry I don't express it enough, but I am grateful...and appreciative of all of it.

unconditional love.

I miss you.

He's there in my dreams...and I don't know the rest of the lyrics.

OMG it's 2:06am in the morning!

I can't sleep cus my hair is still wet from shower and it's too late to blow dry.

Misunderstood...yea...what can I do about it...

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...aka Sein-Leventhal Syndrome...

I wanna sleep...I really do....

Do you understand? or are you too angry to?

This is the song I was thinking about when we were talking...



sigh...I'm gonna sleep with wet hair...fun fun.

When your prayers don't seem to be heard or answered...do you just stop?

heh. I'm gonna pray.

Good night.