A Little Chance to Breathe...

As I'm waiting anxiously for my ride to get here, I thought I might just update on life and my current feelings about certain things.

I just started my Master's program, which has been great. I'm loving what I've learned so far and all my professors are wonderful. I made a couple of friends. We've already decided on when to go out for beers. Haha. What I'm excited the most about in this program besides being able to help others with their problems, is to be able to have a better sense of self; to know myself better and to make decisions that will be more healthy for me emotionally.

Since I quit my job at ThinkTogether, I'm still trying to find another job that's flexible enough so I can go to school full time. It hasn't been successful, partially because I've been traveling a lot. I'm so grateful to have this chance to just travel and great friends who've made it possible for me too. I haven't spent anything on flights thus far...which is a pretty huge blessing. However, I'm going back to Canada in 3 weeks. This time I'll have to buy my own ticket, but I'm still getting help from a friend who has mileage because he travels a lot for work...another blessing!

This time, I'm going to Canada to do some professional recording. Me and 3 other talented people are going to put together a CD to fundraise for next year's World Youth Day in Madrid. I'm sooooo excited to kick this project off! We're really gonna do this! At first, I just pitched the idea of having a concert to fundraise, but it somehow ended up to be a CD. haha.. I think we're going to have a concert too, to promote the CD. oh the excitement!!

Anyway, so rumors have been circulating and I don't really like it. It's funny that people say that I used to have a "thing" with them, when clearly I wasn't aware of that. If I didn't know we had a thing, that means we never had a thing, okay?!

I'm also very very confused...why was it easier before to be in my life and vice versa and now not? Don't answer that if you don't know what I'm really asking...thanks.

Anyway, I gotta go!

Wow...

So I was debating for a while...to delete or not to delete...Well I never deleted because I thought it was a bit immature. Well I guess it was done for me. Should I be thankful?

Should I also be thankful that I heard some news about a new person...which is gonna make it so much easier for me to leave?

Are you a coward?

I never thought so. I always chose to trust. I will continue to trust and give benefit of the doubt.

A Courageous Move

And so it is done. I celebrated my 23rd birthday and everything was beautiful. Just the way I had envisioned it. Well...there were many people I wanted to see, but I think due to different circumstances, I was not able to see them. There were some people I thought would surely text me a greeting but didn't even hear from. It's not even about not saying happy birthday to me that makes me sad. It makes me sad that we've become so disconnected for whatever reason. Many people will come into your life and then go. Only a few will come into your life and stay.

Anyway, I made a giant courageous move tonight. It was something that I had been too weak to do. I made a decision that was influenced more by God than it was by my heart or feelings. I know that one day, I will look back and be so thankful that God gave me the strength to do what I did tonight. I said the important things that I wanted to say. I will pray long and hard for hearts of stone to be soft again; for those who do not allow love to enter to lay down their fears and welcome Love with open arms.

I want to express my gratitude towards everyone who made my birthday an awesome one. You all have made my heart smile. =] I'm truly blessed and as I said to a friend of mine once- I may be walking on a rough road, but I'm in good Hands.

Here's a little prayer- my favorite prayer- to end this evening.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Maybe This Is It...

I deleted something on my phone today that I didn't intentionally want to delete. Well, I didn't realize that delete one thing would wipe out the whole thing. For some reason though, I feel like I was meant to delete it. I keep coming back to it, especially when I want to feel a sense of...I guess security. I shared with a good friend of mine today that it's not the same anymore. Maybe it's just an act...but even a simple touch didn't feel the same. It could be that I'm reading into it too much. Maybe I was meant to delete that very thing that was evidence of "love" because it was so contradictory to my...no, our reality.

There's a common saying for everyone celebrating their birthday...another year older, another year wiser...

Let's see how wise my next decision is going to be.

Marriage D'Amour

Tomorrow is a special day. It's a day two people make a promise to each other in front of family and friends, to engage and take one step closer to becoming one. Congratulations to my brother and his fiance for, finally after 10 years of dating, having their engagement ceremony tomorrow. It's going to be elaborate and of course very traditional. I've been in weddings before but this feels so different. This is my brother!

I'm so excited and extremely nervous for them. I can't imagine what they might be feeling right now. hehe. I'm getting butterflies for them. I only wish some people could be a part of this. But I'm going to go with God's plans. If it were meant to be, they would have been part of this. There's still the wedding?...

Anyway, I read my horoscope today. It's not like the monthly horoscopes in People's magazine. It's the Vietnamese horoscope/fortune telling. It was pretty accurate about my characteristics, but quite sad when I read about my future. Apparently, if I marry someone who's the same age, I will not have happiness...or in Vietnamese term, hạnh phúc. I also don't have a very stable life according to the horoscope. I'm always worried about something. By the ages 24, 26, and something else, I will be really ill. I won't have a stable life and be happy until age 37.

Man, talk about raining on someone's parade. This made me so sad. I was debating the whole day whether I should believe it or not.

Then I thought, "God so loved the world, that He sent His beloved Son...that whosoever believes in Him, will not parish but have everlasting life."

and then there was LIGHT! LOL

Sorry, had to add that little bit of dramatic effect. hahaha

Anyway, I better get to sleepin'. Tomorrow's a biiiig day!

Detaching Slowly

It's easier for me to accept this reality now even though I had remained so hopeful. I'm still hopeful, but not for the same thing anymore. Things are never just black and white...there are areas that are shaded grey. How I wish I could tap into these grey areas and reveal what it's true color is.

The days are going by so fast. It's already almost the end of the first week of August. Soon, I will be starting my master's program, something I've been waiting anxiously for. This next chapter of my life is about to begin but I'm not sure I want to leave this chapter behind and turn the page. Have you ever found yourself stuck on a chapter in a book? It's like you want to continue on with this story but as you turn the page, it's a whole new chapter, with new scenes and characters.

There's one thing I do though when I read my books. I underline and highlight what's most important to me and I bookmark it. Who knows when I'll need to come back to it again. Right?

Have a good night everyone. May God's Love flow through you so you can feel His love like I feel it. =]

God's so funny

So Facebook has this new feature where a random picture from your album would be posted for memories sake. Well, of all 1,000 some pictures I have, why did it have to be that specific one with that comment?! It was only a year ago...

I am definitely being tested. I won't fail. Not this time!

2 AM Lament

Have you ever befriended a threat before? By this I mean, someone who is a threat to you in some way. I have. It's the most exhilarating feeling ever! I don't even know why I saw this person as a threat before. I don't perceive this person as a threat anymore but at the time, I really was feeling like this person could take away what I loved the most...other than God and my family of course. That person could possibly feel the same way about me...a threat I mean...or not. Either way, it doesn't matter anymore.

Now I've realized that what I loved has already been taken away from me, not by any one person...not by any other person but the person I loved.

Am I making sense? Some call me crazy.

I wish I didn't hear those words...or read it rather.

Just like that song.."Just gonna stand there and watch me burn...it's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear my cry...that's alright because I love the way you lie...I love the way you lie."

Yes. I love the way you lie even though it hurts my inside.

I wish you could be a part of this ceremony. My mom asked but I don't know. When you've been rejected once...you just don't wanna go through it again. Instead, we're having someone who's not even close to family do this. ugh.

***********

Hah. That was my lament for the night. Now, let's talk about something more exciting. I'm going somewhere in two weeks and I cannot wait! For the sake of being discrete about it, I cannot divulge too much information until later. Even though I'm sure not many people read my blogs anyway, I still have to be careful. Lo siento!

I feel like God is taking care of me in this aspect. Bringing people into my life to help me be strong...or stronger. People who will stay up til the wee hours of the morning just to laugh with me. (Trambalaya!)

People who will take me out even though they're super tired. (Ong gia Ewic)

People who will just come over to be in my presence. (My besties)

Oh so thankful!