What's on my mind?

Why do you doubt me? Why do you doubt us?

What is doubt?

doubt
–verb
1. to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
2. to distrust.
3. to fear; be apprehensive about.

I guess I also had this doubt, but is it still a doubt if I continue to believe that we can be one, and that we can be one with Him?

I had a good conversation with a friend, Thomas Flowers. He's in his second year with the Novitiate. In another 9 years, he will become a Jesuit priest. He offered a lot of insight that I guess had been on my mind but I just needed someone who's actually experiencing the same thing to give me his perspective.

He said," now is a good time for YOU to discern what YOU want to do. Discern whether your choices will be worthwhile for you and will provide you with consolation. Don't discern someone else's future."

I know it's a confusing time, no matter how much you try to hide it. I'm not as strong as you are I guess. I can't hide it as well. I'm pretty confused, but it's during times like these that I feel myself getting closer to Him.

Thank you for saying hello...especially when I was thinking of you. =)

Strong Enough

I'm not strong enough to live this life without You. I'm not strong enough to endure all this pain. I'm not strong enough to completely trust that things will be better. But You were strong enough to carry that cross for us. You were strong enough to endure the pain of nails piercing through your hands and feet all because of Your love for us. You are strong enough.

Teach me to be strong like You. I'm so weak and I feel myself fighting this weakness everyday. Help me to lay it all down. I want to lay it all down. I want to rest in You. My heart is restless Lord. It continues to ask "why?" I want to believe that this is only temporary and that my patience will be rewarded, but Lord, my humanness gets in the way sometimes.

When will I be made whole again?

Could It Be

Today I got a flyer in the mail that said this:

"Once upon a time there was a person who swore they would love you forever. Their love moved on but your love stayed in the same place. Consider the opportunity to love the greatest of all blessings, even when love doesn't go your way. The love you give is the love you get and it is all good no matter where love takes you. Let the ability to love another belong to you forever and ever because real love stories never end. When the call comes you know. You see all people and all living things as beacons of light and they see you as the same. Together you love and together you transform. It is a divine journey to the highest and the best parts of who you are and why you are here. Your age becomes your ally. With each day and each act of love you become more beautiful than the day before. You have unconditionally arrived realizing the love you sought was the love you already owned."

This is the most inspiring and thought-provoking message I've ever gotten from a cosmetics ad for Philosophy products. Could it be that this is one of God's message to me. A message of reassurance perhaps? I don't really know. All I know is this is what I'll keep reminding myself:"Let the ability to love another belong to you..."

Blessed but unloved

My heart is still searching for a sign that You love me. I feel so blessed to have great friends, a loving family, and great opportunities and I thank You everyday. But why don't I feel loved by You? Would I be in so much pain? Would I have to work so hard to turn a frown into a smile? If You loved me, why would I be going through this?

There are times when I would get this feeling of reassurance that this is a test of humility and of my unconditional love for You. The question I continue to ask myself everyday is: Should I continue to love You even though I don't feel Your love? My heart longs for You. I wish there was something that You could do to reassure me that You haven't abandoned me. I've felt so abandoned and my lonely heart continues to seek for Your love.

After much thought, I was able to face my pride and chose to walk through the road of humility just to let you know that I love you. My wish has always been to be the one to make you happy. It's through little acts of love for you that I was able to find happiness.

I continue to fight this struggle. The struggle of who's love I should really be searching for. Although I don't feel love from neither end, the love I should really be searching for alone is the love of God. Although I don't feel it, I know that I am loved by Him. My heart beats because of Him. Now, it needs to beat FOR Him.

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you...

like the smell of Old Spice that lingered as I passed by some random drama guy...

or listening to Come Away With Me by Norah Jones.

This heart still tries to smile through the cuts and bruises. Only one thing remains that leaves me feeling some kind of consolation. That is...the image of your smile and praying that your smiles reflect pure happiness.

This is God's message to me today.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life


Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Another Day

Last night a I had really good chat with a friend. We never really talked much before but it was really weird how we got into a bit of a deep conversation on facebook. Yea...facebook right?...Anyway, it made me very proud of myself for saying certain things and meaning it. It was as if I had realized that the love that I had was completely unconditional. I didn't really think I could love unconditionally because I'm always wishing for reciprocity. That's loving on the condition that you're loved in return. Last night was very much needed and I don't think it was a coincidence that Quang and I talked.

Yesterday's homily was pretty awesome. Mr. Flowers was talking to me, I'm sure of it. haha. He was talking about how we all need to see things to really believe in it. We need to see the loving things that people do for us to really believe that they love us. We really need to see something happen in order to believe that it happened. But God said, "blessed are those who do not see, but believe." That's faith.

Space

Although there is this space in between us, my heart is always with you. Hoping that you will lead a great retreat. Praying that God will work through you to send His message of Love to all your retreatants. Praying that you will have a restful weekend retreat to meditate, relax and with be God.

Peace and Love.

Look what I found in my email

So, I was checking my email and this is what I got.





You know, sometimes I wonder what people mean when they say they've heard God speak to them. I always wonder, do they really hear a voice? Cuz I mean, that's a symptom of schizophrenia. But, I guess I can say God spoke to me. Not literally, but through this email that I received this morning. This message is so powerful. I'm thinking of putting it on a bigger piece of paper and hang it on my door. It's a good reminder and I totally need it right now.

Thank you Chi Minh Kieu for sending that email!

Heaven sent

I didn't think I would blog again today but this totally deserves a blog. It'll be short. Promise.

So, I was checking facebook because I like checking to see if I got any new fun notifications or messages. So I got this message in my inbox. It was from a Hat Cai member. This person had recorded a song for me. I'm truly grateful. It made me realize that I have many things to be happy about. I have friends who care enough to record a little song for me to make me smile. I have friends who text me to warn me of flying branches because of the wind today. I have friends who go to Roscoe's with me even though they weren't hungry. I have friends who make jokes about "packers" to make me laugh...really hard.

Although You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name.

Thank You for the gifts you've showered me with Lord. May I never forget your Love for me.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Although, it's a bit windy and cold, I'm glad it's nice and bright outside. I woke up at 10. Mmmmm...sleep. That was good. So, after I did my morning routine, I started working on my sound collage. I really liked it. I mean, what's more fun than making music for an assignment?! =] If I spent more time on it, I think it would've been a better collage but I think it's ok for the first one.

Anyway, as I was driving to class, I was thinking about you. I thought about the things that made me sad, then I looked out my window and the sky was so blue and the clouds were nice and fluffy. There is so much that we fail to notice when we're so absorbed in our thoughts. We fail to see the beauty of God's creation, whether it be in nature, or in the people driving by us.

Yes. I do a lot of thinking and yes, it's very obvious most of the time. But after a lot of thinking and praying I should add, I've come to acknowledge my vulnerability and my desires and how it relates to God's desires for me. I've given a lot of my attention to God but I don't think I've laid all my love on Him and that's probably why I've been so distraught. I've been paying way too much attention to you and me that I forgot about Him and me. You're right, "my heart will not rest, until it rests in You."

My last thought before I left my house was...if I have faith in God, then I must have faith in HIs plans for me.

Not fighting this is the biggest fight I'm willing to have for us.

Sleepless At UCI

So, I had a pretty tough day yesterday and when I came home, I was super tired. I was taking a shower with my eyes closed. That's how tired I was. I met up with someone and we had a pretty intense conversation. That's probably why I was so tired because I was thinking so much yesterday. Who knew thinking a lot would make you extremely exhausted?...Anyway, I guess the thinking and the pain that I'm still feeling at this point just sort of blended into a bad headache.

So today, after work, I just fell asleep in the work van. It was pretty nice actually. I'm not a bad worker or anything. My job is flexible and I basically just set up equipment or pick up. So, once I'm done, I can just go do whatever I want. So, I chose to sleep. It was pretty nice except I don't think I was really sleeping because car alarms kept going off and they wouldn't shut off. I tried sleeping through it anyway, and I guess it sort of worked because I heard myself snoring a bit. HAHA. I woke up when that happened. I always deny it when people say that I snore in my sleep. I call it loud breathing. LOL.

Oh maybe I should mention that I'm in class right now. It's this intro to music class. I sometimes feel like it's useless for me to come to class because I've lived with music all my life. I sing and play instruments. So, when he was lecturing about harmonies and melodies, I was like....uhh....ok, I'm not learning anything new today. boo. Right now we're listening to different songs and breaking the song down and listening to all the different sounds used in that song. I do like the assignments though. My first assignment is to make a sound collage. So, basically I get to make my own 2 minutes of music. Fun!

Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to think...or at least not to think about what happened yesterday and what I was thinking about yesterday. I know I should let go, and even til the end I was fighting. I know I shouldn't be fighting it but I couldn't help it. It'll take time but I'm trying. It's a bit odd that I was fighting so hard because when I really think about the possibilities, I'm not sure if I would really be able to do it. But, for me to even be fighting it....well that's something for me to think about....but not today. Today, I'm not thinking about sad things. Today, I'm thinking about good things like how I got a good nap in, how I'm gonna get to see Liwanag later tonight, how I'm gonna get to go home and hug my mom, and how God continues to provide me with strength when I feel like I can't make it.

Peace!

(This was an entry that I posted for Livejournal. Not that I wanted to create another online journal but it's for an experiment. =\)

Love...

...those who have faith in you sometimes go astray.

I waited and I still had faith in you. It's now 12:33am and I'm still trying to have faith in you. You asked me to have faith in you.

Maybe I need to realize that I'm only a distraction. I'm no where near your priority list. I surrender.

I wouldn't want to get in the way of something that makes you truly happy. This distraction will leave you alone.

I know what role I want you to play in my life, and what role I want to play in yours, but it's impossible if you don't see the same.

I'll cherish the fond memories and words of endearment from the past and recent. The rest I'll leave up to God.

Oh by the way, happy Easter.

***

My mom is truly my angel. My dad's already one but I hardly ever get to see him. It's such a great feeling to know that I can tell my mom almost anything and cry while I'm telling her, and she'd listen to everything and not reprimand me. My mom is my friend. How many people consider their parents their friends? Anyway, she just confirmed that it's hard and it's going to be hard but prayers will get us through.

My Calling

So lately, I've been feeling like maybe my calling is to help others discern their vocations or something. I really don't like the thought of God wanting me to build relationships and then letting them go and lifting them to Him. That's unfair. Yes, I'm complaining. Today was Holy Thursday. We had a big mass at UCI and a procession and meditation afterwards. It was pretty long and there was an ample amount of singing. One of the songs we sang was the Servant Song.

This is my prayer.

What do you want of me, Lord?
Where do you want me to serve you?
Where can I sing your praises ?
I am Your Song.

I'm still blinded by fear and doubt. I can't see what You have planned for me, but I will wait. I trust that You will not abandon me.

Confirmation Retreat Day 3

I'll keep it short.

The retreat was amazing. These kids are amazing. The mountains were amazing. God is amazing.



These are my awesome co-leaders and friends!



There's no way that this could ever exist without the existence of God.



These are my wonderful kids!

Phantom of the Opera

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .

Sleepless

I was so tired today; tired to the point where I felt sick but why am I awake right now?

I'm longing for something that I have no control over. That's what's keeping me awake.

k. I'll sleep. Maybe in my dreams I'll get what I'm longing for.

Peace.

Abandoned

Ok, I was trying to avoid this as much as I could but I guess I should just share some of my feelings instead of having it boggle up in my mind. I've been feeling a bit abandoned. I know it's tough and there's not always enough time to say hello, but I can't help but feel like I've been left behind. I'm probably going to struggle with this for a long while but it's better to come to terms with it and be honest with how I truly feel. I'm still searching for meaning and praying for the grace to understand. I just wish that I always felt loved by You and you.

Confirmation Retreat Day 2

So, day two was pretty overwhelming. So many things were planned for the kids. The leaders were super tired and were awakened by the noisy chatters of retreatants who had waken up at 6 in the morning! They stayed up late and woke up super early! These kids have way too much energy! So, the leaders planned a little revenge, I guess you could say. I was very hesitant about what they wanted to put the kids through. We planned a game called The Egg Game for the kids first. Basically, each group was given an egg which represented their spirituality. They were to protect their egg at all times. So we had a couple of different stations where each team's egg was put in danger and they either had to take risks or be safe. If their egg cracked we gave them a plastic egg and they had to scoop up the egg into the plastic one. It was so awesome to see the kids really caring about their egg. When their eggs broke, they all got down to scoop it up...and every last bit of it. There was one thing that one of the kids said that really touched me. At one station, the leaders were pretending to throw a rock at each team's egg. Of course we weren't going to throw it for real. But,with the group that I was going to pretend to throw the rock at, I said are you sure you want to protect your egg like that, you might get hurt. One of the girls from that group, Julie, said " I don't care. I'll get hurt." These kids, although rowdy at times, are really great kids.

We went to mass after that and had reconciliation. Before reconciliation, there was a relay race for the kids. They had to do sooo many difficult things; eat a quarter of a fresh onion, eat clean a quarter of a lime without hands, do jumping jacks and push ups, lick clean peanut butter from a bowl without hands, and drink a really gross concoction E-team made. This was supposed to teach them about humility. It was amazing to see some of the kids working for their group, team work, and encouragement from everyone. It was great.

We also had a trust walk. I learned so much from that and I could only hope that the kids I led got something out of it. When I went outside, I noticed the beautiful city lights twinkling from afar.



If only I had a better camera....

But anyway, I think I skipped around a lot and probably missed a lot of details about day 2, but I really don't want to make this blog super super long so

to be continued....

(I'm also in class....shhhh..don't tell)

Unexpected Reminder

So, I was walking across the Humanities bridge to my class and this person handed me this flyer. I just thought I'd share it with you. =]



Just click on it and you'll be able to see a zoomed in version of it.

Let me know if you can't read it and I'll write it out.

Confirmation Retreat Day 1

We arrived at St. Anne's in the Mountains at around 10:30am I believe. I was a bit anxious because I had never led a group in a retreat before. My heart was pounding when I stepped inside to meet all the retreatants because I wasn't sure if they would like me or not. I joked around with the other leaders saying "I'm scared they're gonna pick on me 'cause I'm little." hehe.

Anyway, my fear went away pretty fast when I was able to interact with all of them. We had an icebreaker where we played the shooting game. Basically, when I pointed to someone, they had to duck and the people standing on both sides of that person has to shoot each other by imitating a shooting position and saying "bang." If the person in the middle was too slow and got shot, he/she had to introduce name and one fun fact; same went for the person who was slower in saying "bang." Now, I was beginning to feel comfortable.

We had a couple of activities for the kids to interact with each other and get to know one another and the leaders. We then had lunch, which was delicious! I regret not seizing the opportunity to take a picture of it, but it was pretty darn good AND spicy, just the way I like it!

Anyway, somewhere in the program, there was praise and worship. EEKK! I was pretty doubtful of my capabilities at this point, but I just went with it anyway. I taught them an action song called " We Wanna See Jesus Lifted High." It was pretty hard playing guitar, singing, and trying to do some of the actions with them, but I did it, with lots of mistakes, but I did it. =] Another song I taught them was "Light The Fire In My Heart Again." This one was full of mistakes on my guitar, but it was pretty fun. The kids had such a tough time singing the split part where the guys sang melody, and the girls sang the descant/harmony. I think they had a lot of fun with that song. I think after that, I got pretty comfortable with the idea of messing up...a lot.

I think my biggest fear though, was leading the small group discussions. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to help them to open up and share, and I was afraid they wouldn't get anything out of the small group sharings. The first small group sharing that we had, well actually almost all the small group sharings that we had, I was the one to share first. I can tell it was tough for some of my kids to open up but in the end, they all shared something, even if it was in two sentences. I was amazed at some of the sharings because it was very personal. I'm so thankful that they were able to trust me and each other enough to share. God definitely had something to do with that.

Anyway, my bad memory is kickin' in right now. I don't remember exactly what else we did because I don't have my planner with me but, overall, the first day was awesome. Most of the leaders decided to sleep in the main room where the fireplace was. E-team (environmental team I think, they help us with all the preparations when we're in meetings) and Mike (oh, Mike is the confirmation teacher) slept in the cabins with the kids. It was such a humbling experience for me because I forgot my sleeping bag at home, so Alex used his sleeping bag as the mat and Jimmy offered his sleeping bag so we used it as a blanket and just shared it. The fireplace was a plus until all the wood burned out. Big thanks to Jimmy for offering his sleeping bag and slept through the cold.

Okay, I'm sure this blog is long enough, so I'll stop it here. Have a good night everyone. =] Wait, actually I should say peace and God bless because some of you may not be reading this at night. Durrhh Tracy... x_X

Confirmation Retreat to be continued...

His Blessings

So before I left this morning to school/work, I grabbed a banana and a Naked green machine (it's really good juice) on the go. I've learned to wait a while for my car to warm up after I start the ignition, so while waiting I figured I could start eating my banana. This banana really took me by surprise and I don't know why I didn't notice it before when I grabbed it. But take a look at this...



That is the fattest banana I have ever eaten!!! O_O Anyway, I thought that was really funny so I wanted to share it with you all.

So, I ran into two really cool girls today. First, I was walking and I saw ABBY! We both had a gap and didn't know what to do. So, we walked blindly for a while until I asked, "wait, why are we walking towards the arts?" LOL. So then I tried to think of what I could get done in the meantime, and we ended up at the ATMs where I got some money to pay for Thursday Lunch at Interfaith. So after that we decided just to sit at one of the tables outside student center. We talked for a bit until we saw.......Anna! So Anna joined us. She had just taken her senior pictures so we were talking about graduation and all that great stuff. Oh by the way, here are the pictures I took. Guess which one I chose for senior yearbook and for cap and gown? =]





I'm pretty proud of myself today. I was given some tasks for work that I wasn't very confident about. I was supposed to pick up some equipment from a class at 12:20pm but I had a class at 12:30 so I was afraid that I would be late for class. I hate being unprepared and having to look for a seat and all that. So, I was scared I would be late. But then, as I walked towards the arts building, I thought, "why not leave my stuff in a seat so it doesn't get taken, and go get the stuff right now. It won't be that long and I don't think anyone will take my stuff." Granted that I took the risk of maybe losing my stuff, I still did it anyway and it was a success! So, no more stress about being late to class. I love when I can solve problems like that. Thank God! No really, thank You!

So one last unexpected thing that happened that I truly feel is a blessing is when Alex texted me and said Peter wanted to cook for us. I was surprised because it was so random. So I came over to Thu's house, where Peter rents out a room, and Peter was making salmon pasta. mMMmmMMmm... It was so classy. I loved it. Look!



We had wine with our meal. How much greater can this get? A fine dinner with fine friends. Satisfaction.

This was my plate. YUmMMm...



*I took all of these pictures, except for the studio ones with my camera phone, so it doesn't really do Peter's salmon pasta justice because it was very pleasing to the eye with all its different colors and all.*

Anyway, I should get to bed. I'm helping with a confirmation retreat this weekend and I have to wake up at 6 tomorrow. EEKK! Please pray for all the leaders and the kids on this retreat. Thank you kindly. =]

And as always, have a great night and don't forget to pray!

Acceptance

I've learned that no matter how hard you try to fight it, it always come down to one thing...whether or not you are willing to accept what God has planned. You are hurt and you're broken, but it's your choice to embrace that brokenness and discern what God may be telling you in the midst of your brokenness. I've had my fair share of blaming, hating, and complaining about why certain things happened the way they did. I guess I owe it to myself and to God to look at it in another perspective.

Even though you chose a different path, I'm still willing to be there. What is God trying to tell me?
I can't go a day without music/singing. What is God trying to tell me?
I get this jittery feeling when I'm doing something for someone or helping someone because I love the anticipation of seeing them smile. What is God trying to tell me?

God is probably trying really hard everyday to tell me something and even though I haven't quite heard what he's trying to tell me, I'll still try to listen.

I guess there's one thing I'm confident of. God's always calling me to love and to love, I will. =]