You know...I had a strange dream last night. It's funny how even in my dream I wanted answers. What's even more funny is that even in my dream,where anything is possible, you failed to give me the answers I deserve. Even in my dream you tried to walk away. I guess this dream had a glimpse of the truth though because even in my dream I couldn't stop loving you.



Xin loi mi xao. This is my weakness.

I was sad. Now I'm mad. I'm mad because I never gave up...and you did.

All you had to do was try.

I miss you.
I need you.
If only you knew.
You're like a drug and
I'm going through withdrawals.

Waiting

Waiting..that's all I'm doing. Just waiting for things to fall into place...for better days...

I used to go after what I wanted. I did everything I could possibly do to hold on to what I wanted. I'm tired now...I wanna be wanted.

I was always a daydreamer...it hasn't changed.

This Thursday, there's a thing for my dad because my grama wanted to do Vietnamese Calendar...and then next Friday, there will be a mass for him..which is closer to the real date. 2 days...as if one day isn't going to be enough...we have to have 2 days of crying in front of people...

Please pray for us.

Once again, my belief has been confirmed which explains why I could not go back...

instability...change of mind every few days...I do not have enough strength or patience for that.

Why do I focus on just one that drains me so much when there are so many others who shower me with love everyday? This is the reason why I can't go back...because I'm not loved genuinely.

I guess I was looking for a lil bit of sacrifice...

I could've not gone to Vietnam...I could've just not replied to any AIM messages...I could've just walked away...

I didn't. It hurt. I hung on.

Now...what now?

Back on solid ground

"I'm hurting but I'm not hurt."

This Caritas retreat has helped bring me back to the real me. I was becoming less and less of myself before the retreat and even though I knew that, I didn't care, until I was shaken out of it. There's this sharp pain in my chest that I can't seem to control. Just when I thought I had passed another test, He gives me another one, one that caught me so off guard. I could ask why but I know the answer. "...to give you a life filled with hope."

Today marked the day I lost not one, but two people so dear to my heart...and unexpectedly.

I will never understand why some of these things happened...but maybe it wasn't meant for me to understand.

I was going to share about my Caritas experience but I guess that will forever remain a mystery.

I'll pray for you. For stability. For faith. For Hope. For love.

By the way, you are a coward. I say that with utmost respect and love.

My Goal

So, I'm feeling very ambitious right now. I'm just tired of being ordinary or just barely making it. I know my goal was to make Dean's list, and I was .4 points away from making it but this time I'm really going to make it. I don't care if I'm going to be hanging out at the library all day, I will make Dean's list this quarter AND Spring quarter. I'm tired of making goals I fail to reach. Just like I'm tired of giving in, backing down, submitting, letting certain things bypass, I will not allow it this time. I will not allow myself to procrastinate. I will not allow myself to say pessimistic things like " I can't do it." I will not let anything get in the way of attaining my goals.

After all the planning, I think I'm going to apply for a second part time job. One job is not enough to pay all the bills I have and I really need to help my mom more. I should take care of my own car insurance, health insurance, just anything that has to do with me. I also want to go to Europe and I'm not sure if I'll save up enough money by this Summer to go, but since I'm being ambitious and optimistic, I'm gonna say I will save up enough. muahaha.

So, 2 jobs, an internship, and 3-4 classes. Doesn't sound too bad right? Yeaaa.. I'm ready to make this happen!

I know I have God at my right and my dad at my left...so all I need is the will to make all this happen and lots of prayers.

Good night all. I hope my ambition was contagious. You can all be ambitious and optimistic!

On the 9th day of Christmas...

It's been 2009 for a whole 24 hours and 12 minutes. 08 sure passed by in a blink of an eye. For some reason, even though it's no longer 2008, I feel like it doesn't want me to move forward...like it's tugging at my leg. I just feel like all that's happened in 08 are just too heavy and too much that it has to spill over to 2009. I really want to be optimistic but it's really tough especially when reality likes to visit like every single freaking day.

You don't really know how it feels to lose someone, until you lose them. Your whole life changes and you try to figure out what your purpose is everyday you wake up knowing that that person is no longer there. You laugh and you put on a smile to convince yourself that you'll be okay but inside you just want to isolate yourself so people won't see how miserable you really are. Everyday you wake up wanting to go back to sleep...and the next time you woke up, you wished it were all a bad dream.

The friends you used to laugh with, cry with, bicker with no longer have the same interests you have....or you don't have the same interests anymore. Whatever it may be, you just don't feel the same connection you once felt. You thought that after almost 7 years of friendship, they would care if you were hanging out with them on new year's day...a sort of tradition...but one of them decides to un-invite you because she's just tired of dealing with you...little did she know, you're also tired of dealing with her. After 7 years of friendship, you've finally found enough courage to say what you really feel inside without fearing that you might hurt her feelings...for once in 7 years, you're able to challenge the things she says to you without feeling like you're the bad guy.

I've not sure what my new year's resolution(s) is/are, all I know is I need to take care of myself and I need to not be afraid to speak my mind. I'm not as articulate as many people, and I may stumble upon my words, but I'm making it a goal to improve on that.

I also need to not fall for everyone who's nice to me. That's been proven to cause too much drama.

So, I'm gonna be focused this year...only on my academic goals and my health.

Happy New Year

You know...there's a time when you need to reevaluate your friendships with people you call friends. I think it's my time to do that. I really don't think there's any point in working to maintain a friendship with someone who doesn't really care about you deep down inside. There are friends who you know will always have your back, always be there, always care for you, and genuinely love you. Those are your real friends. The ones who give without expecting anything in return; the ones who say things you don't wanna hear, but say it in a way that encourages you; the ones who aren't being sarcastic with you all the time...

It's a brand new year, and I'm just tired of a friendship that does more harm than good; a friendship that I feel the necessity to maintain only because of two other friends in the same group.

You'll probably never read this. But in case you ever do, I'm tired of being your friend.

Thanks for not wishing me a happy new year. It was obvious when you texted back " thanks for the text" that you didn't want to which is fine. At least you were being honest.