I am feeling so torn right now. I guess it's a big problem when you want to be a part of everything. I feel like it's a relationship and I'm not completely faithful to both. I'm not talking about boys either. That is the LAST thing on my mind. Sigh. This makes me feel so uneasy.

I don't wanna make it seem like I'm abandoning either...that hurt when I heard that.

Sleep would be nice right about now.

Big Fat Warning Sign

Have you ever done something that you have a feeling would not turn out very well but you did it anyway just because you really didn't give a flying cow?

Just a question.

I wish I could tell how fast time is running. Like...I wanna take me out of myself, and just watch and see how fast things are going. I mean, when you have "live like there's no tomorrow" in your head and that's how you want to live your life, things just come...and they come fast.

Haha..I find it sorta funny that I really wanna blog about something but when I actually hit New Post....I can't seem to write it down or I just go blank. This is exactly why I'm writing this right now because I don't know how to write about what I really wanna write about.

Strange.

I won't try this time.

Good nite

Movin'

Moving...too fast? too slow? not moving. Those are the thoughts in my head right now. I guess you can say my mind is in it, but my heart's not quite there. So what do I do? I guess we'll have to let time decide where I'm gonna be. sigh. School starts tomorrow and it's going to be the beginning of a brand new journey. I'm pretty scared because so far, I've already started this year off with something...something that I have yet to determine the outcome of. I don't know if that sentence made any sense at all. I guess this is how life is. You never know when something will come at you and it takes you a while to realize what it is and then comes the interesting part...one that can either cause heartaches, pain, sadness...or it could cause feelings of joy, happiness, awe.

All I know is, this year will be a new year and regardless of the obstacles I know I'm going to face, I can't let it stop me from living it up. It's time to clean out my closet and make room for new things to come in.

For now, have a good night. Brand new day tomorrow!

There are some things I just don't understand. Sometimes when I think about everything that has happened, that's happening, and will happen, I just get a mixture of frustration, contentment, satisfaction, anger, sadness...you name it, I probably felt it. Is it really anyone's fault that you just feel the way you do? I feel a lil bit angry right now when I think about certain things. I feel like it is all my fault that some things aren't right. But is it really my fault? I dunno. Maybe.

I really just wanna scream right now...wait, I'm a lil thirsty. sigh. It's been a long day...but good day. Lots of walking, sightseeing, talking, picture taking, laughing, smiling...sharings that were happy....and some that were sad...angry...Lots of surprises.

I'm just trying to absorb it all right now and as physically strained as I am, I still need to just sit and take it all in. I don't really know what is ahead of me but all I know is that I may be alive today, but gone tomorrow. If I don't take advantage of the chances that are given to me today it may not be there by tomorrow, or I may not be there.

I went to Old Town San Diego today and the first place I went to was the church. I sat in the second pew and meditated for a while. I was really trying to talk to Him. I'm not sure how long I stayed in there for, but the time that I sat in the pew meditating felt like a long while. I really wanted to talk to Him. Then I went over to the Blessed Sacrament. I stood there and looked up at Mother Mary. For some reason, when I started praying, I was on the verge of tears. It wasn't something I felt in a long while and in a way, it felt very rejuvenating.

Wow, my mind must be working overtime cuz I'm starting to feel my energy level drop a whole octave. (haha..lame musical joke)

Alright, even though I don't know what's in store for tomorrow, I can only say that I will approach it with hope, honesty, understanding, and love. That couldn't have sounded any cornier...so, I'll leave it at that.

Good night.

Thank you for the bracelet. It was a pleasant surprise. =]

reflection

So, I feel so rejuvenated. After Family Night, I realized that I really miss Mustard Seeds. I mean, there's a lot of changes but I just really missed the people. I can't help but get emotional whenever I think about it because for the past week, I felt so good even with all the stress and stuff. It was definitely cloud nine for me.

I don't think I've laughed so much in one week...actually, in one day. This makes me so happy knowing that even though I stepped away from the group, I am still welcomed back. I definitely need this group right now. Even though this group is not the only group that I call family because Liwanag is also a family to me, I just feel like I've been neglecting hat cai a lot and I'm really glad that I'm gonna stick around.

Right now, all I can say is that I've missed everyone and I'm so grateful for your friendships. I'm almost speechless because I don't really know how else to express it.

I'm gonna have a good sleep tonight. =]

So I finished a presentation, homework, a 15-20 page research paper, and a final. I feel sick. Never have I had to do so much in half of my summer. Now I'm at the library trying to study for my last final which I so don't wanna take. I'm tired.

I feel like I'm being rushed into new things. I can't. I need time to soak up all the old stuff first before I can allow myself to experience new things. At this point, all I want to be serious about is school. It's about time I get my act together and prepare for my not-so-distant future. Grad app. deadlines are vastly approaching and I have nothing.

I wish I was a superhero that can handle everything all at once, but sadly, I'm not. I'm pretty sure superheroes need a break once in a while too...

Who am I

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I come off as to people. Do people see me as a shy, quiet person? an innocent person? a person who's got lots to hide? I dunno. What do you think of me? I guess the important question is not what people think about me, but if I care about what they think about me. I try not to let others persuade me into thinking that I'm a horrible person, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I am. Maybe I did something that wasn't what they expected of me...like..maybe I got a little drunk and danced with people I didn't know...Does that really define me as a person? So I was drunk, and I was dancing with people I didn't know, in ways I wouldn't have danced if I were sober. Does that now make me a bad person? Despite the fact that I feel completely disappointed in myself, I can only say that alcohol makes you do things your right mind would stop you from doing. For the record, I hate people who look like they're goin at it on the dance floor. That is disrespectful to humankind. Was I dancing like that? If I was, I'm sorry. I'm sure I wasn't though. The point is, I'm highly disappointed in myself, but I also know that one night of drunkenness does not make me a bad person.

I'm gonna keep saying that to myself until I get over this. I am never getting drunk ever again, and it will probably be awhile til I step into another night club. The end.

Do I ever cross your mind anytime? Do you ever wake up reaching out for me? I miss you....I'm crying myself to sleep..wonderin' bout tomorrow...

That's what I'm listening to right now. It's not a song that really describes my mood at the moment but it's playing and it's a classic from Brian Mcknight so I couldn't pass it. Hah. Four Seasons of Loneliness is playing now. You know, none of these songs really reflect how I'm feeling right now...except this line...life's empty, without you by my side. Yea, it really doesn't feel the same. hmm...this is great. If I could just read what I'm writing out loud as the songs are playing, it would work so well. What I'm feeling is numbness. I feel like I'm numb to emotions. I just feel empty and numb, like I'm cold. Man, listening to slow jams is crazy. I remember when I used to listen to them at night and I would start crying because of the lyrics sometimes and how I was able to relate to the song and everything. Now, I don't know what to feel. Just emptiness. Am I possibly trying to subconscious guard myself from getting hurt? I dunno. You know how sometimes you're so hungry that after a while, you just don't feel the hunger anymore? I think that's how I feel, but not hunger.

I wish I was stronger. I'd be able to stop complaining about how stressful I am about things that are coming way too quickly like grad school applications, GRE testing, field study, etc, etc. Complaining only takes up the time that I can spend doing something about it. If I had a few months left to live, how would I live it? It's really hard to answer that question because I seriously don't know how strong I would be if I knew I was dying. I know that one thing I need to do is take one thing at a time. I've been looking at the big picture way too much that I'm not working on the steps that will lead to that big picture. My goal now is to just take one thing at a time and try not to complain.

The fact that I can't sleep even though I'm super tired says a lot about how many things are streaming through my mind.

I'm gonna try to sleep now. My laptop is getting really hot and I'm sweating.

Have a good night.