Thanksgiving Weekend

It took me a while to recall what I did on Thursday. My memory is getting worse everyday. This is the first Thanksgiving weekend without my dad. I feel like I'm sort of taking over my mom's role. She used to buy the Christmas gifts, cards, etc. Now, I'm the one worrying about Christmas and how it's gonna be this year. I woke up at 4:30am to go Christmas shopping. I've never done that before! I've been having little "arguments" with my mom about not being in the spirit. Thanksgiving night, I came home from visiting Joy's mom and there was one light on in my house. My mom was working and my grandma was in her room. My brother wasn't home at all. I wanted to buy chicken, mash potatoes, and corn for our Thanksgiving dinner, but I ended up eating leftover food from the birthday "party" we went to earlier that day. I guess that's okay but I hate being the only one that tries. I felt so hurt when my mom said that she doesn't want to bother anyone and if we can be home, that's great, if not that's fine. I dunno, it doesn't seem like she sees that I'm trying. I've got so much going on at one time that I'm just so close to giving up. There's about 20 days left before Christmas mass, and we haven't started practice. Not many people confirmed about singing, so I don't even know who's gonna sing. I have my GRE test coming in around the same time, and I'm definitely not ready. Does my mom know this? Probably not.

I went to the doctor's today to get my results for the blood test that I took a few weeks ago. Fortunately, results were okay...however, I had to get another blood test today to check for umm...it doesn't matter..the point is, I hate getting blood tests, and the freaking testing equipment was bad or something today, because it took forever to take my blood out. The nurse said that it's been happening to everyone today.

Anyway, I wanted to put up the tree and the lights outside...but my mom said, why put up lights? It's just gonna increase electricity bill...sigh. Ask me why I still have the energy? I have no idea. I'm really tired.

Who would've thought that after 4 years...you tell me to look out the window and I'd find another goodie bag when I'm sick? It truly was a surprise.

In light of Thanksgiving, I'd like to just take a lil time to express my gratitude. I'm so thankful for my family, even more so then before because even though we are one person short of a whole family, we are a strong unit. I love my family and I couldn't ask for anything more.

I'm grateful and thankful for all my friends...the ones I see everyday and the ones I don't see a lot; the ones I talk to everyday and the ones I hardly talk to because it's not about how many times you talk but rather the quality of your conversations. Thank you for taking care of me, especially during when I'm sick like right now.

Thank you for offering your hands to help me when I'm weak. Thank you for bringing me food/soup to nourish my body so that I can get well soon. Thank you for just being with me and sleeping by me even when I'm sick. Thank you for surprising me with yet another goodie bag full of sentiments and not to mention..really good chicken noodle soup. =]

I'm thankful for the air that I breathe and the ground that I walk upon; for the trees and its autumn leaves; for the ocean and fresh water I'm blessed to have; for the sun, the moon, and the stars. I'm thankful for this moment to be able to write all this down. I'm thankful for life and love. I'm thankful for all the things God has created and blessed me with. I'm thankful for Him.

No words can describe how truly grateful I am.

Happy Thanksgiving! Moments spent with family and friends in the warm atmosphere of your home...greatest feeling. =)

Ok. I know I'm on the borderline of getting sick, but I really couldn't sleep so I decided to watch Grey's Anatomy. I was never into the show to begin with, but I've been bugged to watch it ( =P) so I just gave it a shot. Alright, so it's a good show and I'm hooked. Just in case you're reading this, don't say I told you so... Grey's Anatomy does have a lot of awesome life messages...I had a couple of light bulbs turn on while watching all the recent episodes. The only thing I don't like about the show is the fact that they show way too many surgeries...it really is unnecessary. Anyway, I gotta get some sleep. What sucks about time is that, it won't wait for you.

Good night.

Can't Sleep

I had a lil convo with my brother today about boys. Hah. Funny huh? Well, it started with him telling me to leave the week after Christmas open because they're going camping. Somehow the conversation turned into one about boys. There were some things my brother said that sort of reaffirmed how I feel about things. My family's opinion is super important to me and they do somewhat influence my decisions. sigh.

I'm getting sick. I can feel it in my throat. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost my voice tomorrow, but that's not a good thing because I have to sing for mass tomorrow. hmm..I hope people will show up to sing.

ok, good night!

Stress Schmess

So, I had a pretty stressful week. First I had a rude awakening. I Imed my "best friend from 1st grade" to wish her a happy birthday because I didn't have her number. I mean, I would have her number if she didn't change it every month. Ok, I'm exaggerating. Not every month...every 2 months. I was totally caught off guard when she said she didn't care to talk to me anymore because we don't talk in the first place. Oh by the way, this is the short version of the story. I'm only going to include the most ridiculous things she said just to save some trouble. So anyway, I skipped practice and studying for my midterm to come over to her house. In the morning, I went to buy her a present and missed class. I come over and took her to a tea place. When we were walking to the place, I asked her what was the deal with last night. She said that I was annoying her and she didn't wanna talk to me. I should've snapped at that moment, but I didn't. We went into the place and ordered. We talked for less than an hour and she said that it was getting late and that we should leave. I'm thinking...so who's the one that doesn't wanna talk?....but anyway, I didn't say anything. So, I look her home and gave her the gift. I got her a silver platinum necklace with a heart pendant that's half filled with diamonds. When she opened it, she looked at me and said, " oh, I'm allergic to fake jewelry." Wtf? I was soo blown away by the ridiculousness of her comment. It's like, what has this superficial, snooty, lil person done with my friend?! ugh. Then she had the nerve to say, " I'll make good use of it. I'm jealous of my mom and sister, cus they can wear fake stuff but I can't." I should've punched her in the face. Yea, that's not all of it and I don't feel like saying anymore. I think I've made my point.

Anyway, so I had a midterm on Friday morning, and I am not so confident about the results. I guess I'll just have to wait and find out. I blame it all on my so-called friend. blegh. In the afternoon, I had somewhat of an argument that sorta turned into a discussion with someone. I don't really know why I've been so annoyed, but I've explained it and I hope YOU understand. Stress can make me bitchy and easily annoyed. I'm sorry.

At night, we had benefit concert. Even though I was really tired, I really enjoyed it. I messed up a lot though, but it's ok. You can't improve if you don't mess up? HAHA...Not that I want to mess up, but I was sorta nervous last night. I didn't feel like I had enough practice and we should've practiced once before. =\ Anyway, I wasn't going to go to Norms cus after cleaning up and everything, my legs were starting to fail on me. But when I got on the 73, I changed my mind. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, so I wanted to come be in the company of my brothers and sisters.

I got home and freshened up. I checked my midterm grade for Cultural Psych, and I got an 84. =\ Wait....I should be happy. That is wayyyyyy better than my first midterm. ahha.

So, now that benecon is over, I have to start organizing practices for Xmas mass cus I'm directing the choir apparently. I have less than a month to do that, finish my grad apps which includes getting letter of recs, transcript requests, personal statement, pull up my GPA, commencement ceremony which includes ordering my gap and gown, meeting the deadlines for that, take grad pictures with my friends, and study for my GRE test on Dec. 20th. AHH! I'm crazy. All of this must be done within the month of December.


Ready....set....GO!!!!

Self Evaluation

So, I must say that I was disappointed in how our meeting went. I'm the kind of person that wants things to be very good and I put a lot of effort into what I do down to the little details so that others can enjoy a good meeting. I really don't like the fact that we did not have things down like we had planned. We shouldn't have missed the intentions, and we had planned earlier who was going to do opening and closing prayer. We actually had other things planned that would have made more sense in terms of the topic of our meeting. I think that there was a big trust issue and not following through with what we've assigned ourselves to do. It would've been nice to have a smoother meeting. I think it would've ran smoother if I had more time to work on setting up and other paraphernalia instead of having to work on something else that I could've and should've had help with. I'm really tough on myself, I must admit. When things don't satisfy people the way I want them to, it really upsets me. I'm taking this meeting as a lesson. I know what I have to work on. I feel like my last meeting that I hosted which was a pretty long time ago went soooo much better than this one. I learned a lot about myself while planning this meeting.

Thank you for showing your support and coming out to the meeting. I really appreciate everyone's presence. Y'all definitely lit my heart up. =]

What gets you up every morning?

That question came up in a conversation today. You know, I'm gonna be honest. The only reason why I get up everyday is my mom. I live for her, so that she can live.

After such a long time of contemplating what route to take, I think I've made my decision. I've tried so many things but the one thing I haven't tried is the Company of Mary. Now, when I say I've made my decision, it doesn't mean that I'm gonna go with this decision now. It just means that I'm ready to give it a try. You never know what it's like until you try it right?

Please pray for me as I journey on and may God lead me where he wants me to go.

You know I'm not such a bad liar after all.

12:01 am thoughts

Hah. You can't help who you love. true.

all cried out.

done being emo.

still feel it.

it hurts.

pretending is hard.

Where are you?

do you care?

avoiding?

perhaps.

busy?

possible.

don't care...

could be.

tired.

You surprise me. I thought out of everyone, you would be most likely to leave a message even if you weren't going to make it to an event. I don't really know what to think anymore. I fear. I fear a lot of things, but it wouldn't make sense for me to fear that you're happy. You may be happy with someone else and that's a good thing. What you used to do for me, someone else gets a chance to experience. Should I worry? No, because all I want is for you to be happy. It's ok that your blogs are about someone now. It's ok that you send care packages to someone else and that someone is able to give you hugs because of the close proximity that person is lucky to be in. It's ok that we haven't spoken in a while. It's ok that I haven't seen you in a while. IT IS OK.....as long as you're happy.....only if you're happy.

I'm wearing this bracelet because it's the closest I can get to you.


Good night, sweet dreams...


Let the warmth of God's breath comfort you as you sleep tonight.


ilove.


u.

Frustration

I'm feeling super frustrated right now. I'm at Langson library trying to study for my GRE test which is in about a month. I'm frustrated because I can't seem to get any of these problems right...why? Because I can't concentrate. My body is here, but my mind is definitely not. I feel like I've left my body and am now watching myself study. It's like I'm standing right next to my body, who's typing this right now. I don't really know what I'm doing here. I don't really. I'm not getting anything that I'm studying at this moment and.arghh!

I hate it when this happens. I hate when I can't control my mind. I hate it when I'm not in control of myself.

It's hard and I've tried so hard,
but this road is tough,
and I just wanna give up.

I wanna go back to those days of old,
when we had each other to have and to hold.
But life doesn't always turn out as it should,
we continue to think about what is and what could.
When you think you've past,
this most difficult of tests,
there's always something that brings you back,
and turns your life into a big mess.

I'm afraid that after awhile,
You'll find your heart has moved on,
but then again I'm still in denial,
thinking that maybe i've moved beyond.

Yes, I know I'm selfish and there are things I shouldn't do,
So, I'll muster up the courage not to think about you.

I'd like to think that everything I do is a choice, not an obligation. Sometimes I make it seem like it is, or sometimes I just turn it into an obligation. When things become obligations, it's like your heart is half in it, and the other half is just hangin by the door. I wanna put my whole heart into everything that I do. Right now I really need You.

I wish I had super powers. I would want to be super strong. I want to be invincible. I guess for now, I can "take one thing at a time."

If you believe, you will achieve...right?

Time to study...

p.s
Thanks for that hug even though it felt like you didn't wanna give me one. You're probably never gonna read this anyway so it doesn't even matter. While I'm at it, why do you always look at me with that glare in your eyes? What have I done? I don't even talk to you that much to even be able to guess what I've done to make you give those looks....Oh well, guess I'll never know.

It's during times like these that I can really tell that You love me, through all these awesome people that You've made part of my life.

Thank you for the massage and the tylenols.

Thank you for the chicken nuggets.

Thank you for the rice garden.

Thank you for the Sobe and Nutter Butters.

Thank you for the "feel better" IMs.

Just....thank YOU!

It's raining outside and I'm just sitting here
I just think of your smile and the world is so clear
How I wish for a sign or something to set me free
'Cause ever since I lost you I've been down on my knees

Praying Lord won't you bring him back
Won't you take away the pain Lord that's all I ask
How am I supposed to go on living each day
Knowing that I'll never see another smile on your face
You were always there when I needed you most
Even thought you are gone I'll still keep you close
to my heart.

It's been 8 months since you've been gone
But I've been praying each day, living in the shadow of your love
I know you are near, at least that much is clear
You're my angel from afar, here to take away my fears
---------------------------------------------------
Just random.

I'm weak and I fall short on many aspects of my life, but I've always had a desire to make people happy. Well, I don't think I'm strong enough to do that right now because it seems like I'm horrible at it. I don't really know where I'm being led to but I guess with faith, comes trust that I'll end up in the right place, wherever that may be. Thank you for tonight. I wanted to let it out, and I was able to through your powerful prayer. Maybe someday I will have enough courage to offer my own prayer. For now, I'll keep praying for that courage.

I'm sitting by the tables between SSL and SST. A butterfly landed on my laptop. Now I know who's gonna be with me during my midterm today at 4. =]

ilove daddy.