Fears and Uncertainty

Lately I've been trying to let go of my constant yearning to know the uncertainty. Father Arrupe says,

"Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in love
in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination,
will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you
out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love; stay in love,
and it will decide everything."

I've heard this so many times in my life, yet, I'm still longing to completely apply it to my life. I have fallen in love and I have stayed in love. What I still don't know is what has been decided.

Perhaps fears cause us to do a lot of things (or not do a lot of things.) Sometimes, given the past and present circumstances, we are afraid to give of ourselves. We are afraid to risk our hearts because we have been hurt before. Sometimes we are afraid that we might be the one causing the pain. Either way, we distance ourselves for those reasons. We try our best not to show how we truly feel, but sometimes we slip and we allow our hearts to speak for us. We discredit our feelings of love because it is easier than taking a risk.

Our minds and our hearts are at a constant debate over whether our hopes outweigh our fears.

------

We all have fears. It's how much hope we have for something that we must focus on. Our fears will be there but if our hopes are strong enough, it can carry us through our fears.

I believe, more than ever now, that everything happens for a reason. God's plans for us are much greater than the plans we have for ourselves. We may think we're in control and sometimes being in control is a good thing. But, try not being in control for once and just let God be the guidance. I remind myself of that everyday and especially during times when I feel the need to be in control.

Everything that's happened to me thus far- my missed flight, my car breaking down before my interview, technical stuff during the interview that led to my rejection and many more- I've really assessed why it happened.

My missed flight: I was a bit worried about my layover in Dallas. It just so happened that there was traffic on my way to the airport and I missed my flight. I was put on standby and by the grace of God, I had a seat on the next flight. What I truly believe to be God taking care of me was that the flight was a direct flight back to LAX.

My car breaking down: When I arrived back home, it was too late and I didn't have time to prepare for my interview the next day. I believe that I missed my interview so that I could have more time to prepare for it. Although, it was a bummer that my car broke down and it took a lot of money of out my mom's pocket to fix it. ( I'm super poor and wish I could've paid for it myself)

Technical stuff during the interview: So my interview had two parts. One was the interview and one was the presentation on my hobby. I had sent my presentation to my email so that i could open it up. Well, there was no internet connection in that particular room which I thought was strange because it was on a school campus. So I had to do my presentation without it, which was a bit boring because all the fun stuff was on the powerpoint.

Anyway, all of these things were unfortunate events, but I don't feel unfortunate to have experienced them. I'm so proud to say that I am so much closer to really being able to let go and let God.

Yay!

Journey to Love..and more Love

Wow. I'm so blessed to say that I've traveled to Canada. I love traveling and learning about new places and to have this opportunity to both serve and have fun at the same time was phenomenal. What a great blessing! I went to Canada to help out with a retreat...the best retreat for me personally. I got to meet so many cool people and share my story with them. When I was there, I felt so taken care of. There's such a strong sense of community that I felt there. Right when I met the first two people (David, and Steve), I immediately felt at home with them. It only got better when I arrived that my hostess' house. Anna was amazingly hospitable. She had a room ready for me with towels and slippers. It really is possible that you can meet someone for only a few moments and have your life changed forever.

When I was in Canada, I felt so free of all my burdens and stresses. It wasn't that they all went away, but it was like I focused my energy on all the positive things so all the negative things just kind moved into a corner. I don't think anything could've upset or scared me to much when I was there. I missed my flight back to Cali. If that happened to me a year ago or even before this retreat, I would've freaked out like no other. This time, even though I felt a bit nervous, I was very accepting of the fact that there was a good chance that I would stay in Toronto for another night. Granted, I prayed my heart out for a spot on the standby flight, I would've have been that disappointed if I had to stay for other night.

This feeling carried on even once I came back to Cali. The next day I had an interview. On my way to my interview, my car broke down completely on the freeway. Again, I would've panicked here too, but I didn't. I called for help and help came. I have my car back now and it's in great shape.

My point in telling these stories is to not make myself seem like an invincible person who's never affected by anything negative. These events definitely affected me, but I guess I chose to react to them in a different way than before. It was like, God was whispering into my ears, "Be not afraid. I'm with you."

The recurring them at Caritas 18 for me was trusting in God's plans and that there's a reason for everything that happens. I know that there's a reason for why I received that text as I boarded the flight to Toronto (I didn't mention that but it's not necessary), and there's a reason why I decided to go to Montreal and stayed at a specific person's apartment, for why I missed my flight, and for why my car broke down on my way to my interview.

I think it's easier for me to live the present moment now. I continue to learn how to be patient and how to trust with all my heart the plans that God has for me.

The song that I co-wrote with Eddie (an amazing musician) is exactly how I feel about life right now.

I Choose- Original
Music and lyrics: Eddie and Tracy

I thought I knew love
and what it's all about
It's just one of those things that
you fall in and out of

But You've showed me a new way
You showed me your way
I'm so amazed by Your Love
that I can always say

Refrain:
I choose to live
I choose to Love
I choose to be all you've dreamed me to be

Bridge:
You've called me by name Lord,
I'll never be the same.
Your Love it comforts me,
I'll never be afraid.



Glory be to the Father, to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, a world without end. Amen

Challenges

I feel like I've been struggling a lot to stay on the positive side of this mystery. Sometimes I feel like running away or turning my back, close my eyes, and never look that way ever again. But if God wanted me to stop coming to Him, He would've made it a lot easier.

I'm going to Canada soon and I'm so excited. I'm excited to go through the Caritas experience again. I'd like to hear what Cha Tri said on my Caritas again. I want it to seep through ever crevice of my body and permeate through every muscle. I want to be reintroduced to the art of God's Love and the art of letting go.

Perhaps, the art loving by letting go is the most complicated art I'm ever going to try to understand. I'd like to one day be able to love by letting go fully.

No matter what happens to me every single day, I know that at the end of it, God has loved me enough to allow me another day.

I miss you terribly, but I know that at least one of my prayers is answered everyday; everyday that you wake up.

I haven't "let it out" like I did today...in a very long time. I think it's just a combination of different things that have been either hurting, or bothering me. I wanted to go watch a movie or do something to distract myself but I ended up sitting in my car for a while just "letting it out." Then I SOSed my best friend. She drove down right away. This sounds like a big deal but it's really just me finally breaking after holding in so much of what I thought I could handle. I'm okay with admitting to defeat. It just means that I have a chance to come to Jesus. Loneliness is something that I'm learning to embrace. I feel like I've sort of lost touch with Him. I want to come back to the Heart of Worship.

when the music fades
all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that will bless your heart

i'll bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what you have required
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

chorus
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the things i've made it
when it's all about you
it's all about you, Jesus

King of endless worth
no one could express
how much you deserve
though i'm weak and poor
all i have is yours
every single breath

I've been feeling like I don't know who I am lately...or who I want to be. Is it because I was surrounded by a group of people that I felt I had to impress, so I acted a certain way? Do I feel more comfortable hanging with this other group because I don't have to try to be who I'm not? Who am I...really?

Uh oh, I think I'm having an identity crisis.

Earlier I was acting like a child...assuming that my friends didn't care about me enough, but it was never about me. How hypocritical of me to assume people are abandoning and forgetting about me when I've been abandoning Him and his teachings? and forgetting to come to Him in prayer?

Oh man, what an epiphany!

I think it's time I "man" up and do what should've been done from the get-go. I've heard it said that letting go requires a lot of love. Well, I have a lot of love...just not enough courage. So, I pray for courage like the Serenity Prayer.

I need to be slapped back to spirituality!

And Then There Was Light

My 4th of July weekend was I guess filled with a bit of spontaneity. I woke up on Sunday thinking, oh man, it's 4th of July and no one has told me of any plans yet. I wanted to watch fireworks and spend time with family but my mom is in New Orleans, and my grama studies for her citizenship test all day. My brother was going to Cabazon but I had no more money to spend on things I didn't need and I wasn't about to ask my brother to pay for me. So, I went online and a friend of mine IMed me. I'm usually not on ichat..well not much anymore, but I decided to. I wanted to go to the park and throw a frizbee around so that was the plan. Pick up my friend and go to the park before going to mass. On my way to my friend's, another friend texted an invite to a BBQ. So, we ended up going to the BBQ instead. So many unexpected things happened today. We went to downtown disney to watch the fireworks. It was packed of course...

The fireworks weren't great, but the dancing was awesome! I had so much money dancing salsa and the cha cha. We started dancing and then everyone joined in. It was great. =] I feel like all the chemistry is still there but we just don't understand the reaction.

In very soon, I will have to detach myself completely because I don't want to be the reason why new experiences can't be...experienced...not on my part.

It's getting harder and harder to resist and I just need to stay away.