Love Unfailing

It must be strange for those of you who regularly read my blogs to find yourself reading so much about "love." For some reason, "love" has been a big "thing" for me; not that it wasn't before but I guess I've found new meanings to this verb. So...unfailing love. What does that mean? Well, according to dictionary.com,

un⋅fail⋅ing 
–adjective
1. not failing; not giving way; not falling short of expectation; completely dependable
2. inexhaustible; endless

What stood out to me the most from these definitions was one simple word: endless.

So...endless love.

Let's put this in context. God's love for us is never-ending right? Right. Is it possible that WE can all try to love endlessly too? Of course. So, why is it that some of us can accept God's endless love, but cannot accept someone else's endless love? Some people have trouble accepting God's endless love, but God doesn't stop loving them right? Right. So, then it's possible for US to continue loving endlessly even though our love may not be accepted. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that if God can do it, we can do it. God is omnipotent. God is all powerful. God is AMAZING. Which is all the reasons why we should imitate Him. We should try to be like Him.

God humbled Himself and allowed people to mock Him and spit on Him. That's the greatest image of humility. To continue to love even though you're being criticized and mocked, and even rejected is such a difficult thing to do...but it's also very possible. I am grateful for this grace to be able to love in this way. I can't say that I am able to love everyone in this way thus far, but if I'm able to love one or two people in this way, I know I'm heading in the right direction.

God is teaching me a very valuable lesson right now. It may just change my whole life. I rejoice, even with a broken heart, in knowing that He is my Savior. He is all that I need. He will provide.

Kite Runner

My heart cried out for you when I watched the most brutal scene in this movie, Kite Runner. This movie reminds me of this line "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." (John 15:13)

A little boy who loves his friend and would do anything for his friend. It hurt my heart just watching the little boy go through so much pain for his friend...and it made me angry that his friend was so ungrateful and even felt jealous.

This movie really is a great movie that we all should watch.

We are all capable of doing evil, but we are also very capable of doing really good things...things that come from our hearts....things that lead us closer to God. We can all make small sacrifices, or even big ones out of Love.

I'll make sacrifices for you any day.

Chapter 8: Be Guided By Spirit, Not Ego

Ego is not an enemy to be broken or demolished, as is often portrayed in spiritual literature. We don’t want to get rid of the ego; we want to soften it, make it porous and receptive, so information, thoughts, and compassion flow in and out. A healthy ego allows us to have the strength of our convictions yet be open to others. Psychological literature often refers to ego strength—a sureness about ourselves that rests calmly inside, the will to actualize our dreams, or stand fast to our beliefs without worrying about the consequences.

There are some ways to distinguish between spirit and ego. These are some examples of getting caught in the ego.

-Looking to someone as the perfect person, savior, parent
-Giving frequent unsolicited advice
-Hiding our accomplishments and intelligence to protect another’s ego
-Hiding our vulnerability- fears, discomfort, questions, care, tenderness
-Defending and criticizing ourselves and others

Underlying all these behaviors is fear: fear of being spontaneous and natural and trusting your instincts. Fear of simply sitting with your internal discomfort, anxiety, shame and emptiness. Fear of not knowing what to do.

Only by slowing down and reflecting on our own processes and motives can we soften our ego.

Here are examples of when we operate from spirit.

-We listen intently, becoming attuned to the other’s experience and not pasting them into our story lines
-We present ourselves as we are without enhancing or diminishing ourselves
-We ask for what we want without demanding it or being upset if we don’t get it
-We stay in touch with our inner experience and reactions. We are guided by internal cues and experience.
-We speak the truth as best we can- kindly, with compassion- not to change someone, but because truth is our path and the only foundation for loving relationships.
- We bring a broad perspective to all events and remember that everything is an experiment in being evermore aware, present, and loving.

Final Thoughts: Much love remains...

Brutal Honesty

"You should step aside and let the good friends help," a friend of mine said while we were having lunch today. It's people like him that really test my humility. I always have to take a deep breath before I say anything else to prevent defensiveness. It's so tough to accept these things that your friends tell you because they hurt.

So I'm not considered a good friend...what am I? Just a girl...It's funny to be bringing this up, but this really reminds me of one of Shakespeare's famous lines: To be or not to be?

I guess I always have a choice, but wait...do I? Isn't it God's choice that's the best choice? and don't I want the best choice?

Sometimes I feel like what I have to deal with is not half as important as..."other things." It's like people laugh at me and say, Tracy, you're so funny. Just get over it....as if it wasn't as confusing, draining, frustrating as..."other things." This is where I try my best to stay humble. I guess sometimes I just want someone to empathize with me, rather than tell me what I already know even though I appreciate brutal honesty.

Today I met my "best" friend's roommates. One of them asked me, "So, you're the one that she always says 'hey best friend' to on the phone?" I wasn't sure how to respond to that because Thao never says that to me when we talk. Actually, we rarely talk, and when we text, it doesn't last for very long. How did my best friend turn to just...a friend? I couldn't help but feel sad about it.

Anyway, I was looking forward to rosary. It always makes me feel a bit better, so have a restful night everyone.

Today's Gospel

Here's what struck me the most in today's gospel reading.

"Peter took this up. 'Look,' he said to him, 'we have left everything and followed you.' Jesus said, 'In truth I tell you, there is no one who has left house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children or land for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times as much, houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and land -- and persecutions too -- now in this present time and, in the world to come, eternal life."

I thought a lot about this part of the reading and I wonder: I can leave all my possessions behind. I don't need all the material things that I have. But, why would He want me to leave my family? This leads me to my next question: Could I and would I leave my family behind to follow Jesus? If I had no family, I would drop everything I had to follow Him. I've been discerning about this a lot and I still haven't found the answer. I know what my answer is. I'm just waiting to see if His answer is the same or different.

now...on to the next chapter.

Chapter 7: Be Willing To Cook In The Spiritual Fire

No matter what we’ve done, how much we’ve hurt, how ashamed we feel, it’s just energy, just stuff that separates us from our perfect essence.

The spiritual warrior hides from nothing. We jump into the fire, we dive into the ocean. We become the sea. In fat, we are already part of the sea of all creation, it’s only an illusion that keeps us apart. To allow ourselves free-flowing energy is to say take me. I surrender. I’m open to feeling everything inside. This does not mean we are without discipline or good judgment. It means we fear nothing that is human and natural. Surrender actually makes us feel safe, because there is nothing left to hide. When we are open and unafraid, we cease being half-hearted with each other.

In the process of opening ourselves, old childhood feelings may be laid before us. Suddenly, we feel like a hurt three-year-old. We want to cling. We start worrying, we get scared, forget our responsibilities, and churn with anxiety.

Our growth begins when we realize we are facing parts of ourselves that have always been there.

Don’t be afraid. You’ve thrown a long on the spiritual fire. You’ve hit an edge, now sit with it, don’t run away. Sit down and simmer. Breathe. Be gentle. Make friends with that part of you. Try having a conversation between your scared part and your inner spiritual guide.


I had a beautiful dream last night and even though it could be a reality, (meaning, it wasn't like I was able to fly, or something supernatural), I somehow feel like it can never be a reality. If it never becomes a reality, at least I caught a glimpse of what it could have felt like. It felt so real. I can still feel the joy I felt inside while in my dream...

Today we sang "In Every Age" at 10am Mass. The third verse will be my prayer for tonight.

" Teach us to make use of the time we have.
Teach us to be patient even as we wait.
Teach us to embrace our ev'ry joy and pain.
To sleep peacefully, and to rise up strong."

Here's something interesting.

I was on catholic.org today and I came across a list of so many different prayers. Here are two prayers that are most relevant to my life right now.

A PRAYER FOR ONE'S CALLING
Jesus, Divine Caller of vocations, You invite some to chosen professions, Others to distinctive spiritual work! Your call may reflect one's ambitions, Or may be a command to a special calling. Inspire me to always know within my heart, What particular type of work is fitting To do Your will at that particular time. Your many callings vary immensely. They are all reflections of Your Holiness. Thank you for my heavenly calling and For maintaining the vocation of Your choice!

A PRAYER FOR THE VIRTUE OF PATIENCE
Patience is a virtue of the Lord: He awaits the return of His children. Forgive my trespasses Oh Lord Jesus, For many times have I tested You. I deserved the wrath of Your hand, But You saw greater things for me: Your patience has been enormous! Grant me a droplet of such endurance, That I may abolish my impious impatience, Refraining from using unpleasant words, And always reflecting Your serenity. Great is the Lord Jesus in His ways!


That's all for tonight folks.

Chapter 6

Accept The Dance of Oneness and Separateness

Intimacy requires an ability to both merge and be separate, to come together and be apart, like oscillating on a giant swing from oneness to separateness, creating a constant rhythm and, for many, feelings of anxiety. We sometimes feel anxious because falling in love and starting a new relationship resurrects any buried feelings about our original attachment to our mother or a primary caregiver. We were once completely merged with our mother and, often unconsciously, we still desire to find that feeling of union. We want someone to completely enfold us and take care of us.

Until we become emotionally separate from an intrusive or controlling parent and release the accompanying guilt- which is really a cover for our rage and anger- we are likely to get into distant or chaotic push-over relationships. Whenever someone gets close to us we tend to see them as the critical or intrusive parent, and misinterpret their motivation and intent.

Releasing guilt requires that we connect with our underlying resentment and anger. This crime of breaking a symbiotic loyalty tie is a necessary one, however, because only through forging a separate identity and finding our authentic voice, can we give birth to our own true self and see others clearly.

As we evolve on the spiritual path, we find a balance between being together—welcoming, present, and alive—and being separate, because life is rich either way.

We want intimacy, but we don’t want to give up doing things our way, or to let go of our longing to have someone take care of us. These fears come from the stories that conceal our wounds.

It might help to remember that at an energy level, win or lose its all the same: our tears of joy and tears of pain are both one energy, the flow of who we are. We can either bargain, hold back, and hang onto comfort and security, or we can take a deep breath and leap into the fire.

Final Thoughts: Juanito's supposed to be with his mommy right now. Hope he's okay with his daddy though.

Chapter 5

So, I haven't updated on the book I was reading because I haven't been reading the next chapters. Today at work though, I found time to read a couple of chapters. I want to lay all 9 chapters that I read right now, but I need to spare some time for rosary so, tomorrow you'll get chapter 6.

Chapter 5: Notice The Stories You Tell Yourself

We all make up stories based on how our parents, church, religion, and teachers treated us. These beliefs get hardwired into the limbic system of the brain and we believe them as if they were absolute truths rather than ideas put into our minds. They become the "knee-jerk" reactions we can't seem to control. We organize our experiences around these false beliefs and they become the filter through which we interpret and react to people and situations. If we have the belief "I'll always be abandoned," we create situations where we'll be abandoned, and forget to notice when people are loyal friends. Our task on the spiritual path is to stop repeating the same old stories and become aware of all the ways we keep proving our stories true.

Stephen Wolinsky's reference to false core beliefs or false core drivers that underlie the nine personality types is interesting. These false core beliefs reflect the conclusions about ourselves we came to as the result of our early childhood traumas or experiences.

Remember: our stories are locked into place by fear- fear of experiencing the current moment, the emptiness beneath a loving connection that pierces our heart and reveals both our grief and joy.

Final thoughts: I surrender. I spoke with someone today who I find to be very wise. This is the first time that I truly felt like I was some kind of barrier that was trying to stop someone from walking towards God. I don't want to get in the way and it seems like everyone is telling me, leave it alone, you're getting in the way, and you shouldn't try to stop it because if it's what God wants, you'll suffer a lot more trying to stop it. So, I surrender to all of this. I never meant to get in the way and I never tried to stop it. I only wanted to find closure in the truth.

Jokes aren't always funny

It was a long day today. I find myself more on the low end when I'm inactive. When I'm sitting at home, especially alone, there's so much darkness. I try to fight this darkness from getting to my heart by updating my calendar, checking email, watching a bit of tv, but I lost today.

Today was my first day of volunteer work. I met three very cool teens. These guys don't have a permanent home, and basically live in the streets. They were telling us volunteers how they were sleeping in the backyard of one of their friends' houses and the neighbors called the cops on them. One of them was telling us about her family. Just listening to her made me hurt so much for her. My heart was not in any condition to hear all of what these teens had to say. I couldn't imagine myself sleeping out in the cold, in some corner. One of the girls has a mom, but only comes by on Sundays to shower. Why is that? Why would any mom let her daughter just sleep in the streets? I truly need to prepare myself for more of this because it's only been my first day, and I'm already an emotional wreck.

I was planning on going to Adoration today. I really needed it, but when I got there, it was closed. It really took me by surprise because I thought it was 24-hrs on Thursdays too. I don't know what it is, but I really need prayers. I was being my emotional self in the car and left a status on facebook saying that the chapel was closed. I wrote earlier that I was going to Adoration if anyone wanted to come, so I thought I should update and let everyone know that it was closed just in case someone wanted to come. Well not too long after that I got a text. Someone had left a comment about my status saying "hahaha, God hates you." I know he didn't know that his joke came at the wrong time, and it was more inappropriate than any other time, but it still hurts a lot. I was really looking forward to Adoration and just being with God. I really needed it...I still do.

This is one of those days where I feel very low in Spirit. I can only try my best to put my faith and trust in God right now. I need Him to carry me at this point. How much I wish that I could hear Him say, " Do not be afraid, my child. I am here with you, and I will hold you until the end of time."

As the flames flicker...

I rearranged my room in many different ways before I decided with an arrangement that I liked most. I understand what you meant by making my room more inviting. I really like how my desk is situated now. I was reading on feng shui and it said that you should position everything in your room so that wherever you are, you have full sight of the door. There's a more cozy feel to it now, especially at this moment. I have candles lit all around my room. The warmth really does sooth my heart. A little bit of soft music playing in the background. I feel your presence here even though you're not physically here.

There's a reason why I did what I did 4 years ago. Little did I know that taking someone to mass with me would change our lives so much. I can't help but believe that God had chosen me out of all people to reach you. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

I don't know what the future holds, but all I know that's concrete in my life is, God and the love I have for you. Where you may be heading is not be where I want you to go, but I trust in God's plans for us and I will always love you, regardless.

I find a lot of peace in knowing that God is taking care of many people I care deeply about. I'm beginning to love prayer and can't go a day without it, which is not something I would've said a couple of years ago. I really think God was calling for my attention so long ago, and it's not til now that I'm actually paying attention and surrendering to Him. Maybe it did have to take so much for me to finally pay attention, because I know He wouldn't just hurt me.

I truly believe that He's putting people in my life for a reason. My community is a prime example of how He's taking care of me. I'm filled with so much gratitude. It's amazing!

Here's a little quote to end the night.

"You will find as you look back upon your life
that the moments when you have really lived,
are the moments when you have done things
in a spirit of love."

~ Henry Drummond

Seems like a while

It was only yesterday that it happened, but when I saw you today, it felt like I hadn't seen you in such a long time. There's something definitely magical about us praying in the same room, to the same God. Today was designed by God I'm sure. I talked about going to Adoration at least once a week, and He made it happen right then and there.

He's helping me fulfill my needs. That's Love....