Have a good night everyone. Today was a hectic day but turned out great, except for the minor fact that when I went to my dermatologist yesterday, she totally messed up my face. So, she was digging into my face to get my white heads out...sorry, a little gross....but yea...now I have like little dots on my face...scars left from her digging...ughhh...I wanted to cry this morning when I woke up. It's so bad....I literally had like 5 layers of makeup on to cover it. eeeekkkk...Hopefully it'll get better...I'm just gonna keep on convincing myself that it doesn't matter what I look like on the outside as long as I'm beautiful on the inside. hahaha...I have to work on that one too...

Anyway, no more complaining.

Have a good night!!!




p.s I love you.

Baby it's cold outside...

You know, I don't really understand the weather but I'm just gonna appreciate it for what it is. Today is a pretty cold, windy day. Usually I would scrunch up while I'm walking to keep myself warm, but for some reason, even though it was sprinkling, I felt so warm inside. The breeze wasn't cold anymore. I couldn't stop smiling. Usually I wouldn't be in a bad mood when the sun's not out and the day is just gloomy looking, but today, for some reason I'm just happy that it's the way it is. =]

This reminds me of a dove chocolate I ate. the wrapper said...Always have a smile on your face...It'll make people wonder why you're smiling....and there's this guy that just walked by, and he kept looking at me...and then he smiled. I made someone smile just by smiling!!! =D

It makes me feel really good.

Sometimes I feel like my dad is working in me. I'm carrying his legacy. Sometimes I can hear him laugh, especially when I'm at home. No wonder I like to be at home a lot more now. Yesterday, my brother left some funny notes for my mom in random places around the house. I thought that was really nice of him to try to make my mom laugh. hehe. My grandma did.

Times like these make me wanna live...live through the pain, through the suffering....hah...I'm listening to this song...it's called Love Song For Everyone by Courtney Jaye...and the chorus is "I'm in love with everyone." hehe. Ah, I love it! "I have so much to give..."

Yea, today is definitely a good day. =]

Life is not about holding on...

I'm done searching for happiness in others. I've come to realize that the questions I've been asking are way too selfish. If I can contribute anything towards someone's happiness, I think I'll be equally as happy.

I had a good conversation with you. I'm glad I was able to tell you everything that I did.

Prayers.

Love.

If I can't do anything else for you, these two things I know I'm capable of doing.

I'm glad I got to sing for you.

=)

How my day is...so far

So, I woke up at 8 today even though I don't remember exactly when I fell asleep. I got home at around 12 last night. PCN was alright this year. The dances were good, but the skit was really annoying me, especially towards the end. I was also not feeling very well. I dunno why, but it's like I wanted to throw up but there wasn't anything in my tummy for me to throw up. Weird.

Anyway, so I got up and the first thing I did was get started on my laundry. While my clothes were in the washer, I swept the floor...I hate dirty floors. When I was done with that, I put my clothes into the dryer and decided to make some chicken noodle soup. I was gonna make it for my mom last time but I didn't manage my time very well.

So I made, Chicken noodle soup....I wonder if it's good. I ate it, but to me it's ok. I hope my mom will like it. I made a vegan noodle soup for my grandma too. It's hard making vegan food, cus everything's vegetarian. Doesn't taste the same, you know? Anyway, so when I finished that. I took a quick shower cus I had to pick up my grandma from work and take her to her English class. After I dropped her off at her class, I went to get an oil change. I was glad that didn't take very long. So I came back a lil early so I waited for grandma outside, and wanted to be productive. So, I took out my music for an event I'm singing for with some LOG people and practiced the tagalog songs. Not to be cocky, but I think I'm pretty good at this whole tagalog thing. heh. I was singing one of the songs, and a Vietnamese man walked by. That was awkward cus he sorta looked at me weird.

oh wait, I forgot to mention that when my clothes were dry, I folded them, because my brother went into the bathroom without asking me if I was using it, because clearly, my clothes were in there and I was just waiting for my pants to dry! sigh. inconsiderate should be his middle name.

Let's not get into that. So then, after I picked up my grandma, I took her back to her work place and went home. I wanted to record something today, but my piano skills, or lack of..skills...got in the way. So, as soon as I get that down, I'll record it.

I dunno what to do now. I mean, there are so many things I can do. I can study. I can go run. I can keep on practicing piano. I can clean some more.

I dunno. My head feels heavy. I had a not so good drive home yesterday. You know when you're crying and the tears make everything blurry...yea, that's not good when you're driving. When I came home, I went to see my dad. The feeling that I got the day he left, is the same feeling I have every night and day. I remember when I was crying in bed, and some friends were there with me. My grama was in her room crying with people there, and my mom, in her room. It was definitely a cry that I've never experienced before. It was hurting...still hurts. I was crying tears, and crying out...After each session, I would feel my head as heavy as it is right now and my eyes barely having the strength to open.

I feel so discouraged. Sometimes I feel like I'm being pushed down so hard, that I don't even wanna deal with it anymore. I don't wanna play the victim either. I know when I'm wrong. I just wish people would hear me out more, instead of being so caught up in their own defenses.

blah. Time to get busy with something so this last 8 hours can go by quicker.

to be continued...

So, all I can think about right now is you. Why do I get so nervous and anxious at the thought of you?

My head hurts. I'm gonna sleep.

good night world.

Can't sleep

My heart's racing right now. I'm not sure if I'm angry, nervous, anxious, or any other feeling that would make my heart race. I know that I hope, and I keep on hoping that somehow you would reach out to me, but the truth is, I'm not even on your mind.

You used to call me just to hear my voice. When you were in VN, I used to call your phone, just to hear your voice from your voice message, or I would listen to the messages you left on mine.

I was on facebook today when you were on. You were confused about why you were signed on. I was hoping you'd IM me. I guess an excuse to ease my heart would be that you don't really use facebook chat because it's new and weird. I hope it was that.

I wonder what you do during the day, everday. I wonder if there's ever a moment where you thought about me or if the thoughts that consumed your mind were of others. I wonder if you ever look at the phone to see if you had a missed call from me. I wonder if you ever dialed my number and hung up...at least you dialed.

Remember when we went to the garden and we sat by the bamboo trees....I wonder if our names are still there.

Remember when I was sick one time and you hung a bag full of goodies by my window and told me to look outside? OH! remember when you came down from LA and brought me goodies cus I told you I was feeling sick that day?

Remember when I came to visit you in LA and I waited for 3 hours because you didn't answer your phone? I would've waited longer if I had to.

Remember when we went to Irvine Park for a special day, but it was closed so we went to Turtle Rock, and still had loads of fun playing frizbee and watching the ducks? I made spaghetti that day and you bought me pickles cus I liked them. You had rose petals all over my room and sunflowers too.

Oh, that one special day when you had one surprise after another for me. First, a card, then balloons, then more balloons, then chocolate that spelled out I love you in my car and rose petals all over the car...and you made a mix for me. I still have that cd.

Remember chango, oso, and gatito? They miss you.

Remember when you stayed over for a weekend, and I made you dinner. I was frustrated because I had ruined something I was cooking and we had to go to Albertson's to buy frozen vegetables. I really wanted it to be perfect.

All those times you surprised me and I surprised you.

That time we laid on your roof to watch the stars and we talked about our younger days.

That time I woke up in VN and thought it was a dream because you were there with me. I'm still in awe.

That time we arrived in Ha Noi, had a very nice dinner, and I cried after the taxi took you back to the place you stayed at for EAP. Wait, you didn't know that.

You know, I could go on forever, but you get the point. Reminiscing about this brings me both joy and sadness. Joy, because I was so blessed to have experienced it with you; sadness, because I no longer have that chance.

All this time, I've been holding on when that is the most selfish thing to do. I've been making it hard for you to move on. I want you to be happy, and if that means I have to let you go, then I will.

I just hope that you'll find the courage to tell me what is really on your mind.

I know God is testing me and sometimes I feel like I'm failing. I fail to believe that He is all that I need. Although I've lost someone so so close to me, my flesh and blood, and someone who I've given so much of my life and devotion to, I have HIM. It is so difficult to accept this, but I want to pass the test. I won't force myself to think this way. I will believe. Give me time.

Blogs revised.

Since I'm publicizing my blogs, I had to revise some things. The information I took out may have been too much for some people to handle, so I had to discard it. Anyway, this is me.

Today's entry...
Don't be afraid to hurt me....

Cuz you already have.

Maybe you should pray for courage to tell me the truth.

I'd rather have you tell me the truth then lie to me because you don't wanna hurt me.

If you're not happy with the thought of making me happy, then don't. I don't want anyone to be unhappy for me to be happy. I know you don't like to hear this, but I really don't wanna be a burden.

You say that God's telling you that he's gonna take care of me...I'm sure God will take care of me, but maybe he wants to take care of me through you. If you don't want to put in that effort, that's ok. Just tell me that.

I really don't wanna lose anyone else without a reason. One is enough.

I want this to stop

When will this stop?

when will my heart beat again

It's been a long year and we're only in May. I feel like I've been completely overwhelmed by so many different things..to the point where I don't really know how to feel anymore. My feelings take sporadic turns every now and then, and I find myself wiping my eyes and pretending like something just flew into them to hide the real reason.

I'm sorry that this had to happen. I'm sorry that we couldn't control our feelings. I'm sorry that you keep blaming yourself when it's not really your fault.

I don't really like hearing "I wish you the best" because it sounds like something you would say to someone who you're planning on not seeing for a really long time.

This is a prayer for all of us.

Good evening Lord God. It's been a long day, and I'm so thankful that You've helped me make it through. Lord God, we are all unworthy of Your love, but I pray that Your love will be strong enough to break the walls that we have built to keep you away. Lord God, open our hearts so that we may receive your most Holy Spirit. Grant us with patience so that we may be able to see the goodness that You have planned for us. Lord God, I know that times are so uncertain...especially right now, but I trust in You. I trust that You will make it clear for us. Lord God, please watch over those who are in the most pain and desolation. I feel like dying right now Lord God, but you give me life. You're the air that I breathe. I'm sorry for taking life for granted, and for not recognizing the most special gift You've given to me. Lord God, I pray that You will give us strength to overcome these obstacles and to continue to carry these heavy crosses that we have because even though we may think our crosses are heavy, Your cross was the heaviest, yet you carried it to the end. Because You died for us Lord God, I will live for You. I life up this prayer to you Lord God, through the Blessed intercession of Mama Mary. Amen.

Every little bit hurts

I've probably used this title for another blog but I can't think of anything else that could express the way I feel right now. It hurts. My heart hurts. I drove home last night crying...out of anger! I guess the alcohol in me helped me to release because I have been holding it in and suppressing my feelings for too long. I miss my dad so much! I want him to be here right now! He would make things so much better! In the midst of all this confusion, frustration, pain, etc, he would make it all better. HE WOULD MAKE IT ALL BETTER!

I HATE seeing my mom try to hold back her tears. I HATE knowing that when I'm not at home during the night and my mom is in bed, that she's crying her eyes out. I HATE knowing that I'm hurting people I don't wanna hurt, in the worst way, all because I don't know what to do. I HATE wanting something that I can only have half of.



WHY?!!!

Is it my fault that I don't feel a certain way? If you think that it's your appearance that's keeping me from reciprocating the feeling, then you're just saying that I'm shallow! It has nothing to do with the way you look! It has to do with the way I feel! Please don't blame yourself because I'm not giving you the answer that you want.

I wanna think that God will make a way because there is no way for me. I don't wanna play Hero and pretend like I'm alright, but I don't wanna play patient and spread my disease to others. Sadness is the worst disease. It can't be cured.

what goes up...

I'm sinking...so deep into the ground...beneath the surface of the earth!

unforgettable

I'm trying to find ways to forget. I really am trying. I'm trying to see that there are guys who have the same qualities, maybe even better...

But why is it so hard?

I didn't answer his phone call. That was so painful. I'm trying. I wonder if I don't call him back, him he'll keep calling me...

argh.