Thursday, December 31, 2009
The End of the Beginning
I'm about to leave to Big Bear. I decided to go at the time when I really needed to get away. Now, I feel torn between staying and leaving. It's funny how things can change in a matter of days, hours, minutes, and even seconds. Should I stay? I couldn't do that; not to the person who cared enough to ask me to come along. Do I want to stay? A big part of me wants to spend new year's eve at home. I consider many places home. But, I'm going and hopefully come back earlier if there's a ride back. Happy New Year...
Friday, December 25, 2009
All I Want For Christmas
Christmas is here. This used to be my favorite holiday, and in some ways, it still is. But, it's been pretty difficult and I really thought this Christmas would be a lot better than the last. It's okay though. There's a lot to be grateful for and to celebrate. The first and most important is that Christ is born. Second is that I get to gather with my big family to share good laughs and definitely good food. I have friends who truly care about me. Thank you for the cards I received and the gifts that surprised me. I know God is taking care of me.
Fr. Pat's homily was about the mystery of life. He said that love is a mystery. I agree. It's such a mystery that we do the things that we do for the people that we love. Sometimes, we don't really know exactly why we do these things. All we know is that we do it because of love.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this. It's 1:23 am Christmas day. I just felt like blogging a bit before heading off to bed.
I hope every had a great Christmas eve.
Merry Christmas!!
Fr. Pat's homily was about the mystery of life. He said that love is a mystery. I agree. It's such a mystery that we do the things that we do for the people that we love. Sometimes, we don't really know exactly why we do these things. All we know is that we do it because of love.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this. It's 1:23 am Christmas day. I just felt like blogging a bit before heading off to bed.
I hope every had a great Christmas eve.
Merry Christmas!!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Blessings in Disguise
Today was a pretty long day. It's funny how, as we grow older, time seems to fly by a lot quicker. It's almost the end of 2009. I was just reflecting on this today while driving up to Harbor City to be with Emmanuel. We had a Christmas gathering today. I woke up at around 8 am today to go visit my dad and to decorate around his grave. This is our second year and I think it looks better than last. =]
Anyway, after that I went to Michael's to get more yarn for this scarf I'm knitting. (side note: my grandma is "talking" in her sleep right now. It's a bit scary because she's not really saying anything. All I'm hearing is her wailing.) So back to Michael's. Usually I take a really long time at Michael's because I LOVE that store. They have so many crafty things. I was looking for ribbons and gift wrapping paper to match and that took forever. Couldn't find the right one. So I got what I could and went to Target. I needed to get a gift for the game we played at the gathering anyway so I thought, maybe I'd find some boxes and gift wrap paper to match the ribbon that I bought. I didn't find the boxes but I did find the perfect gift wrap paper! It has the sort of the same design as the one on the ribbon. Oh...and the gift for the game. Kitchen Aid food chopper. haha. I would've taken my own gift back except that wasn't allowed. haha
So anyway, it was around 11:45 when I got home and I still needed to get ingredients to make french onion soup. I was also really hungry so I stopped by Carl's Jr. to pick up something small. When I finally got all the ingredients and came home, it was 12:40 or so. The meeting was to start at 2pm so I was rushing like CRAZY! I asked my grandma to cut the onions for me while I wrapped the present. I used to be pretty good at cutting onions, without tearing up and all. But now it just doesn't work anymore.
So...when everything was done and ready to go, it was 1:30 pm. I got on the road and managed to get there before most people came! That's what happens when I trust myself.
It was really nice to just be around good people again and to much on the random foods that people brought. I LOVE chi Tram's snow balls...they're delicious!
We talked about blessings today. What were our obvious blessings and what do we see or could see as a blessing in disguise? I really do like what I'm going through right now is a blessing in disguise. Although it doesn't feel very much like it, I try to look forward and remain hopeful. We all went to Mass after the meeting and I was awestruck. I loved the church, although, I don't remember what the name of it was. It's definitely structured the way Jesus must have imagined it to. The ushers were young adults, probably still in high school; there wasn't a choir but there was a little girl who was the cantor and two other little girls who played the flute. I was super tired coming there but the atmosphere of that church totally woke me up. This was my first time listening to a Deacon preach while in a Mass setting. He was really good! He said a lot of really cool things. First he gave a comparison which I thought was pretty clever. So, if a frog were to be placed in hot water, it would jump right out. But if you placed it in cold water and let the water gradually increase in temperature, the frog wouldn't notice and it would eventually die. A sinner is like the frog. We are all sinners so I guess we're like the frog. Hah. If we try to stop sinning completely, it wouldn't work. We'd jump right out. But if we slowly stop one sin at a time, the sinner in us can die. My explanation of it is definitely not as poetic as how the deacon explained it, but you get the picture.
One last thing that has been on my mind ever since Mass ended was when the deacon said, "When you receive something great, you have to let it go. You have to share that something with others. That's called Love." I'm pretty sure that was God's message to me. I mean, it just makes a lot of sense and I definitely relate. I've been preparing myself emotionally for when that time comes and it hasn't been easy but I will get there.
Anyway, after that I went to Michael's to get more yarn for this scarf I'm knitting. (side note: my grandma is "talking" in her sleep right now. It's a bit scary because she's not really saying anything. All I'm hearing is her wailing.) So back to Michael's. Usually I take a really long time at Michael's because I LOVE that store. They have so many crafty things. I was looking for ribbons and gift wrapping paper to match and that took forever. Couldn't find the right one. So I got what I could and went to Target. I needed to get a gift for the game we played at the gathering anyway so I thought, maybe I'd find some boxes and gift wrap paper to match the ribbon that I bought. I didn't find the boxes but I did find the perfect gift wrap paper! It has the sort of the same design as the one on the ribbon. Oh...and the gift for the game. Kitchen Aid food chopper. haha. I would've taken my own gift back except that wasn't allowed. haha
So anyway, it was around 11:45 when I got home and I still needed to get ingredients to make french onion soup. I was also really hungry so I stopped by Carl's Jr. to pick up something small. When I finally got all the ingredients and came home, it was 12:40 or so. The meeting was to start at 2pm so I was rushing like CRAZY! I asked my grandma to cut the onions for me while I wrapped the present. I used to be pretty good at cutting onions, without tearing up and all. But now it just doesn't work anymore.
So...when everything was done and ready to go, it was 1:30 pm. I got on the road and managed to get there before most people came! That's what happens when I trust myself.
It was really nice to just be around good people again and to much on the random foods that people brought. I LOVE chi Tram's snow balls...they're delicious!
We talked about blessings today. What were our obvious blessings and what do we see or could see as a blessing in disguise? I really do like what I'm going through right now is a blessing in disguise. Although it doesn't feel very much like it, I try to look forward and remain hopeful. We all went to Mass after the meeting and I was awestruck. I loved the church, although, I don't remember what the name of it was. It's definitely structured the way Jesus must have imagined it to. The ushers were young adults, probably still in high school; there wasn't a choir but there was a little girl who was the cantor and two other little girls who played the flute. I was super tired coming there but the atmosphere of that church totally woke me up. This was my first time listening to a Deacon preach while in a Mass setting. He was really good! He said a lot of really cool things. First he gave a comparison which I thought was pretty clever. So, if a frog were to be placed in hot water, it would jump right out. But if you placed it in cold water and let the water gradually increase in temperature, the frog wouldn't notice and it would eventually die. A sinner is like the frog. We are all sinners so I guess we're like the frog. Hah. If we try to stop sinning completely, it wouldn't work. We'd jump right out. But if we slowly stop one sin at a time, the sinner in us can die. My explanation of it is definitely not as poetic as how the deacon explained it, but you get the picture.
One last thing that has been on my mind ever since Mass ended was when the deacon said, "When you receive something great, you have to let it go. You have to share that something with others. That's called Love." I'm pretty sure that was God's message to me. I mean, it just makes a lot of sense and I definitely relate. I've been preparing myself emotionally for when that time comes and it hasn't been easy but I will get there.
Friday, December 18, 2009
It's Only Just Begun
I've never felt this feeling before; to feel at peace but also a throbbing pain in my chest. A friend of mine was sharing about her journey and she said something that made me think about my own life. Maybe it wasn't a mistake that I've gone through all that I did. Maybe I was meant to go on this journey because God wanted me to grow from it. God trusted me enough to have led me down this path knowing that I would not give up.
I'm filled with so much gratitude right now; to know that God didn't leave me to walk down this path alone. He has sent his angels, people who have brought smiles to my face this past few days, to remind me that I'm not alone. Even though when the day ends, and night falls; when I'm in my bed reflecting on my day, and no one is by my side, I can rest in the comfort of knowing that He is there.
I can only go so far as to give and to forgive until I can't do it anymore; the rest is not up to me. I was blessed to have grown so much and to have learned so much from someone God has chosen specifically for this reason. Mistakes are only made when it is not after praying intensely to God.
It's strange that everything happened during this Advent season. It's a great time to reflect on the coming of Jesus and a brand new year.
I'm going to quote and friend's quote because it's just so appropriate at this time.
"We shall not cease from exploration/ And the end of all our exploring/ Will be to arrive where we started/ And know the place for the first time." ~ T.S. Eliot
I'm filled with so much gratitude right now; to know that God didn't leave me to walk down this path alone. He has sent his angels, people who have brought smiles to my face this past few days, to remind me that I'm not alone. Even though when the day ends, and night falls; when I'm in my bed reflecting on my day, and no one is by my side, I can rest in the comfort of knowing that He is there.
I can only go so far as to give and to forgive until I can't do it anymore; the rest is not up to me. I was blessed to have grown so much and to have learned so much from someone God has chosen specifically for this reason. Mistakes are only made when it is not after praying intensely to God.
It's strange that everything happened during this Advent season. It's a great time to reflect on the coming of Jesus and a brand new year.
I'm going to quote and friend's quote because it's just so appropriate at this time.
"We shall not cease from exploration/ And the end of all our exploring/ Will be to arrive where we started/ And know the place for the first time." ~ T.S. Eliot
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Taken For A Fool
I may have been taken for a fool all this time. To think that there could be a possibility that I am the one and only, and then to have that dream shot down by things that people share with me about situations that only hurt me to hear about.
Who do I believe? What should I believe?
I've not been shown how much I really mean, so where do I go from here?
Why can't everyone just tell me the truth.
Who do I believe? What should I believe?
I've not been shown how much I really mean, so where do I go from here?
Why can't everyone just tell me the truth.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Game of Life
God must be playing games with me. There are so many decisions that will be solely up to me to make. I asked for something...prayed about it every night, and He gave it to me. Of course I should've known that it wouldn't be that easy. He gave me what I asked for, but....It's true. Be careful what you wish for...
I guess God is really challenging me to think about what I really want in this one life I've got to live; to really evaluate what will make me happy.
At this point, I think I need to just take care of myself and stop trying to cater to everyone's needs just so that I can feel like I'm being helpful to the world. Reality is, I'm only human, and I can't try to fix everybody's problems. I also can't set aside my own needs to meet others' needs/wants.
I'm praying for humility; to accept my limitations and know that I can only do so much.
On a brighter note, I was pretty down and pressured the other day, and I think God was trying to console me. I checked my email and I received an email from a person that I don't think I've even met before. This is what it said:
Words to live by :o)
Excellent advice
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of
water and asked, 'How heavy is this glass of water?' Answers called out ranged
from 8oz. To 20oz.
The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long
you try to hold it.'
'If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll
have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.'
'In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'
He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our
burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we
won't be able to carry on.'
'As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before
holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. '
'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry
it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.'
'Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.
Relax; pick them up later after you've rested.
Life is short. Enjoy!'
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
1 * Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have
a leg to stand on..
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one
person.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some
are dull.. Some have weirdnames and all are different colors, but they all have to
live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
* * * * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today ! ! !
Be yourself....
Everyone else is already taken!
I guess God is really challenging me to think about what I really want in this one life I've got to live; to really evaluate what will make me happy.
At this point, I think I need to just take care of myself and stop trying to cater to everyone's needs just so that I can feel like I'm being helpful to the world. Reality is, I'm only human, and I can't try to fix everybody's problems. I also can't set aside my own needs to meet others' needs/wants.
I'm praying for humility; to accept my limitations and know that I can only do so much.
On a brighter note, I was pretty down and pressured the other day, and I think God was trying to console me. I checked my email and I received an email from a person that I don't think I've even met before. This is what it said:
Words to live by :o)
Excellent advice
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of
water and asked, 'How heavy is this glass of water?' Answers called out ranged
from 8oz. To 20oz.
The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long
you try to hold it.'
'If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll
have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.'
'In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'
He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our
burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we
won't be able to carry on.'
'As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before
holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. '
'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry
it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.'
'Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.
Relax; pick them up later after you've rested.
Life is short. Enjoy!'
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
1 * Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have
a leg to stand on..
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one
person.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some
are dull.. Some have weirdnames and all are different colors, but they all have to
live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
* * * * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today ! ! !
Be yourself....
Everyone else is already taken!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Beginning of the end
If this is the beginning of my holiday season, I'm praying long and hard for something different. It's so hard to think about the things I'm truly thankful for on Thanksgiving day when I woke up with a headache and a lot of anger from feeling pressured and being too tired to think of a good solution and ended my day with an argument that ended bitterly.
I tried really hard today to just be grateful for everything I have but the devil is really playing games with me right now. It's causing trouble to distract me from all the good things I should be thinking about and thankful for.
Regardless of all that happened today, I'm truly thankful for my family, for all the thanksgiving greetings via texts, email, or phone calls. I'm thankful for you even though you were PMSing (for men).
Gotta go midnight shopping now...
to be continued...
I tried really hard today to just be grateful for everything I have but the devil is really playing games with me right now. It's causing trouble to distract me from all the good things I should be thinking about and thankful for.
Regardless of all that happened today, I'm truly thankful for my family, for all the thanksgiving greetings via texts, email, or phone calls. I'm thankful for you even though you were PMSing (for men).
Gotta go midnight shopping now...
to be continued...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Yuletide Carols, christmas trees, and a big fat turkey
It's that time of year...
It used to be that everyone got together to decorate the Christmas trees; neighbors bringing cookies over to share; friends send Christmas cards to each other, and lovers share kisses under the mistletoe.
Now, it's about making it through to the next year. Somehow, Christmas is still my most favorite holiday. I love the music playing on 103.5. I love the decorations everywhere. I love the smell of cinnamon when you walk into Michaels to get your holiday decorations; but most importantly, I love watching my friends and family as they open their presents. The reactions my baby cousins give when they find that what they thought was in that big giant box would turn out to be a nice jacket, some really nice pants or dress, and a pair of shoes to match. I love watching them open each others' presents just because...
I remember when I would be the one opening boxes after boxes of presents. Now, I see envelops on the tree and know one of them must be for me. It really is better that way. *wink
So this year, even though it will never be the same, we made it through once again. I can only pray that it will get easier as the years go by.
It used to be that everyone got together to decorate the Christmas trees; neighbors bringing cookies over to share; friends send Christmas cards to each other, and lovers share kisses under the mistletoe.
Now, it's about making it through to the next year. Somehow, Christmas is still my most favorite holiday. I love the music playing on 103.5. I love the decorations everywhere. I love the smell of cinnamon when you walk into Michaels to get your holiday decorations; but most importantly, I love watching my friends and family as they open their presents. The reactions my baby cousins give when they find that what they thought was in that big giant box would turn out to be a nice jacket, some really nice pants or dress, and a pair of shoes to match. I love watching them open each others' presents just because...
I remember when I would be the one opening boxes after boxes of presents. Now, I see envelops on the tree and know one of them must be for me. It really is better that way. *wink
So this year, even though it will never be the same, we made it through once again. I can only pray that it will get easier as the years go by.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Follow Your Heart
Do you follow your heart more, or your mind more?
I tend to follow my heart more, which really gets me into trouble sometimes because when I do follow my mind, my heart says, "Hey! What are you doing?! Your mind doesn't know what it's thinking. Follow me instead!"
I've been debating about graduate school. My mind is telling me, "you need to get a good score on your GREs so that you can go to a school with prestige." My heart is telling me, " You need to stop thinking about just going to a prestigious college and think about what you really want to do. Put your pride and ego down. Cal states can offer the same kind of education, especially when they have a good program that's of interest to you."
I'm also debating whether or not I may be settling for second best when I know I could do better. I know I can do better, but can I afford that? Honestly, I can't. I can't afford to take another GRE test knowing that it really doesn't matter. The GRE has been trying to make me feel like I'm not as intelligent as others who score higher than I did. The thing is, the GRE doesn't measure my level of intelligence. It does not measure my passion for helping others. It definitely does not measure my level of success. So, I say, F the GRE. It will not stop me from furthering my education just because some schools decided that they need the GRE scores in order to find good candidates for their graduate programs.
Anyway, I have been wasting my time and racking my brain over this. God did not put me into this world to be useless. I have a purpose and as long as I am striving to be the best version of me, I will do great things. I know Mother Theresa said to do little things with great love. But I say, why not do both great things with great love?
On a side note:
I followed my heart and it may have hurt people, but I was honest with myself, and most importantly, I was honest with them. If honesty wasn't enough, then I'm sorry. That's all I could offer.
I tend to follow my heart more, which really gets me into trouble sometimes because when I do follow my mind, my heart says, "Hey! What are you doing?! Your mind doesn't know what it's thinking. Follow me instead!"
I've been debating about graduate school. My mind is telling me, "you need to get a good score on your GREs so that you can go to a school with prestige." My heart is telling me, " You need to stop thinking about just going to a prestigious college and think about what you really want to do. Put your pride and ego down. Cal states can offer the same kind of education, especially when they have a good program that's of interest to you."
I'm also debating whether or not I may be settling for second best when I know I could do better. I know I can do better, but can I afford that? Honestly, I can't. I can't afford to take another GRE test knowing that it really doesn't matter. The GRE has been trying to make me feel like I'm not as intelligent as others who score higher than I did. The thing is, the GRE doesn't measure my level of intelligence. It does not measure my passion for helping others. It definitely does not measure my level of success. So, I say, F the GRE. It will not stop me from furthering my education just because some schools decided that they need the GRE scores in order to find good candidates for their graduate programs.
Anyway, I have been wasting my time and racking my brain over this. God did not put me into this world to be useless. I have a purpose and as long as I am striving to be the best version of me, I will do great things. I know Mother Theresa said to do little things with great love. But I say, why not do both great things with great love?
On a side note:
I followed my heart and it may have hurt people, but I was honest with myself, and most importantly, I was honest with them. If honesty wasn't enough, then I'm sorry. That's all I could offer.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Wisdom of the Unwise
I've got so much to learn from all of this. There's not a moment that I can let my guard down. It's pretty volatile actually how I have to always keep my guard up and realize that I cannot stray from reality. Reality is that words don't mean a thing until they're put into action and I cannot let these words give me hope or trample on it. I need to be true to what I believe in and how I feel. I've been feeling a bit detached mainly because when it's time to pray, I am way too tired.
I pray for patience and understanding; for humility and kindness; for the grace to accept things I cannot change; for peace.
I pray for patience and understanding; for humility and kindness; for the grace to accept things I cannot change; for peace.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Love Unfailing
It must be strange for those of you who regularly read my blogs to find yourself reading so much about "love." For some reason, "love" has been a big "thing" for me; not that it wasn't before but I guess I've found new meanings to this verb. So...unfailing love. What does that mean? Well, according to dictionary.com,
un⋅fail⋅ing
–adjective
1. not failing; not giving way; not falling short of expectation; completely dependable
2. inexhaustible; endless
What stood out to me the most from these definitions was one simple word: endless.
So...endless love.
Let's put this in context. God's love for us is never-ending right? Right. Is it possible that WE can all try to love endlessly too? Of course. So, why is it that some of us can accept God's endless love, but cannot accept someone else's endless love? Some people have trouble accepting God's endless love, but God doesn't stop loving them right? Right. So, then it's possible for US to continue loving endlessly even though our love may not be accepted. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that if God can do it, we can do it. God is omnipotent. God is all powerful. God is AMAZING. Which is all the reasons why we should imitate Him. We should try to be like Him.
God humbled Himself and allowed people to mock Him and spit on Him. That's the greatest image of humility. To continue to love even though you're being criticized and mocked, and even rejected is such a difficult thing to do...but it's also very possible. I am grateful for this grace to be able to love in this way. I can't say that I am able to love everyone in this way thus far, but if I'm able to love one or two people in this way, I know I'm heading in the right direction.
God is teaching me a very valuable lesson right now. It may just change my whole life. I rejoice, even with a broken heart, in knowing that He is my Savior. He is all that I need. He will provide.
un⋅fail⋅ing
–adjective
1. not failing; not giving way; not falling short of expectation; completely dependable
2. inexhaustible; endless
What stood out to me the most from these definitions was one simple word: endless.
So...endless love.
Let's put this in context. God's love for us is never-ending right? Right. Is it possible that WE can all try to love endlessly too? Of course. So, why is it that some of us can accept God's endless love, but cannot accept someone else's endless love? Some people have trouble accepting God's endless love, but God doesn't stop loving them right? Right. So, then it's possible for US to continue loving endlessly even though our love may not be accepted. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that if God can do it, we can do it. God is omnipotent. God is all powerful. God is AMAZING. Which is all the reasons why we should imitate Him. We should try to be like Him.
God humbled Himself and allowed people to mock Him and spit on Him. That's the greatest image of humility. To continue to love even though you're being criticized and mocked, and even rejected is such a difficult thing to do...but it's also very possible. I am grateful for this grace to be able to love in this way. I can't say that I am able to love everyone in this way thus far, but if I'm able to love one or two people in this way, I know I'm heading in the right direction.
God is teaching me a very valuable lesson right now. It may just change my whole life. I rejoice, even with a broken heart, in knowing that He is my Savior. He is all that I need. He will provide.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Kite Runner
My heart cried out for you when I watched the most brutal scene in this movie, Kite Runner. This movie reminds me of this line "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." (John 15:13)
A little boy who loves his friend and would do anything for his friend. It hurt my heart just watching the little boy go through so much pain for his friend...and it made me angry that his friend was so ungrateful and even felt jealous.
This movie really is a great movie that we all should watch.
We are all capable of doing evil, but we are also very capable of doing really good things...things that come from our hearts....things that lead us closer to God. We can all make small sacrifices, or even big ones out of Love.
I'll make sacrifices for you any day.
A little boy who loves his friend and would do anything for his friend. It hurt my heart just watching the little boy go through so much pain for his friend...and it made me angry that his friend was so ungrateful and even felt jealous.
This movie really is a great movie that we all should watch.
We are all capable of doing evil, but we are also very capable of doing really good things...things that come from our hearts....things that lead us closer to God. We can all make small sacrifices, or even big ones out of Love.
I'll make sacrifices for you any day.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Chapter 8: Be Guided By Spirit, Not Ego
Ego is not an enemy to be broken or demolished, as is often portrayed in spiritual literature. We don’t want to get rid of the ego; we want to soften it, make it porous and receptive, so information, thoughts, and compassion flow in and out. A healthy ego allows us to have the strength of our convictions yet be open to others. Psychological literature often refers to ego strength—a sureness about ourselves that rests calmly inside, the will to actualize our dreams, or stand fast to our beliefs without worrying about the consequences.
There are some ways to distinguish between spirit and ego. These are some examples of getting caught in the ego.
-Looking to someone as the perfect person, savior, parent
-Giving frequent unsolicited advice
-Hiding our accomplishments and intelligence to protect another’s ego
-Hiding our vulnerability- fears, discomfort, questions, care, tenderness
-Defending and criticizing ourselves and others
Underlying all these behaviors is fear: fear of being spontaneous and natural and trusting your instincts. Fear of simply sitting with your internal discomfort, anxiety, shame and emptiness. Fear of not knowing what to do.
Only by slowing down and reflecting on our own processes and motives can we soften our ego.
Here are examples of when we operate from spirit.
-We listen intently, becoming attuned to the other’s experience and not pasting them into our story lines
-We present ourselves as we are without enhancing or diminishing ourselves
-We ask for what we want without demanding it or being upset if we don’t get it
-We stay in touch with our inner experience and reactions. We are guided by internal cues and experience.
-We speak the truth as best we can- kindly, with compassion- not to change someone, but because truth is our path and the only foundation for loving relationships.
- We bring a broad perspective to all events and remember that everything is an experiment in being evermore aware, present, and loving.
Final Thoughts: Much love remains...
There are some ways to distinguish between spirit and ego. These are some examples of getting caught in the ego.
-Looking to someone as the perfect person, savior, parent
-Giving frequent unsolicited advice
-Hiding our accomplishments and intelligence to protect another’s ego
-Hiding our vulnerability- fears, discomfort, questions, care, tenderness
-Defending and criticizing ourselves and others
Underlying all these behaviors is fear: fear of being spontaneous and natural and trusting your instincts. Fear of simply sitting with your internal discomfort, anxiety, shame and emptiness. Fear of not knowing what to do.
Only by slowing down and reflecting on our own processes and motives can we soften our ego.
Here are examples of when we operate from spirit.
-We listen intently, becoming attuned to the other’s experience and not pasting them into our story lines
-We present ourselves as we are without enhancing or diminishing ourselves
-We ask for what we want without demanding it or being upset if we don’t get it
-We stay in touch with our inner experience and reactions. We are guided by internal cues and experience.
-We speak the truth as best we can- kindly, with compassion- not to change someone, but because truth is our path and the only foundation for loving relationships.
- We bring a broad perspective to all events and remember that everything is an experiment in being evermore aware, present, and loving.
Final Thoughts: Much love remains...
Monday, October 12, 2009
Brutal Honesty
"You should step aside and let the good friends help," a friend of mine said while we were having lunch today. It's people like him that really test my humility. I always have to take a deep breath before I say anything else to prevent defensiveness. It's so tough to accept these things that your friends tell you because they hurt.
So I'm not considered a good friend...what am I? Just a girl...It's funny to be bringing this up, but this really reminds me of one of Shakespeare's famous lines: To be or not to be?
I guess I always have a choice, but wait...do I? Isn't it God's choice that's the best choice? and don't I want the best choice?
Sometimes I feel like what I have to deal with is not half as important as..."other things." It's like people laugh at me and say, Tracy, you're so funny. Just get over it....as if it wasn't as confusing, draining, frustrating as..."other things." This is where I try my best to stay humble. I guess sometimes I just want someone to empathize with me, rather than tell me what I already know even though I appreciate brutal honesty.
Today I met my "best" friend's roommates. One of them asked me, "So, you're the one that she always says 'hey best friend' to on the phone?" I wasn't sure how to respond to that because Thao never says that to me when we talk. Actually, we rarely talk, and when we text, it doesn't last for very long. How did my best friend turn to just...a friend? I couldn't help but feel sad about it.
Anyway, I was looking forward to rosary. It always makes me feel a bit better, so have a restful night everyone.
So I'm not considered a good friend...what am I? Just a girl...It's funny to be bringing this up, but this really reminds me of one of Shakespeare's famous lines: To be or not to be?
I guess I always have a choice, but wait...do I? Isn't it God's choice that's the best choice? and don't I want the best choice?
Sometimes I feel like what I have to deal with is not half as important as..."other things." It's like people laugh at me and say, Tracy, you're so funny. Just get over it....as if it wasn't as confusing, draining, frustrating as..."other things." This is where I try my best to stay humble. I guess sometimes I just want someone to empathize with me, rather than tell me what I already know even though I appreciate brutal honesty.
Today I met my "best" friend's roommates. One of them asked me, "So, you're the one that she always says 'hey best friend' to on the phone?" I wasn't sure how to respond to that because Thao never says that to me when we talk. Actually, we rarely talk, and when we text, it doesn't last for very long. How did my best friend turn to just...a friend? I couldn't help but feel sad about it.
Anyway, I was looking forward to rosary. It always makes me feel a bit better, so have a restful night everyone.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Today's Gospel
Here's what struck me the most in today's gospel reading.
"Peter took this up. 'Look,' he said to him, 'we have left everything and followed you.' Jesus said, 'In truth I tell you, there is no one who has left house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children or land for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times as much, houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and land -- and persecutions too -- now in this present time and, in the world to come, eternal life."
I thought a lot about this part of the reading and I wonder: I can leave all my possessions behind. I don't need all the material things that I have. But, why would He want me to leave my family? This leads me to my next question: Could I and would I leave my family behind to follow Jesus? If I had no family, I would drop everything I had to follow Him. I've been discerning about this a lot and I still haven't found the answer. I know what my answer is. I'm just waiting to see if His answer is the same or different.
now...on to the next chapter.
Chapter 7: Be Willing To Cook In The Spiritual Fire
No matter what we’ve done, how much we’ve hurt, how ashamed we feel, it’s just energy, just stuff that separates us from our perfect essence.
The spiritual warrior hides from nothing. We jump into the fire, we dive into the ocean. We become the sea. In fat, we are already part of the sea of all creation, it’s only an illusion that keeps us apart. To allow ourselves free-flowing energy is to say take me. I surrender. I’m open to feeling everything inside. This does not mean we are without discipline or good judgment. It means we fear nothing that is human and natural. Surrender actually makes us feel safe, because there is nothing left to hide. When we are open and unafraid, we cease being half-hearted with each other.
In the process of opening ourselves, old childhood feelings may be laid before us. Suddenly, we feel like a hurt three-year-old. We want to cling. We start worrying, we get scared, forget our responsibilities, and churn with anxiety.
Our growth begins when we realize we are facing parts of ourselves that have always been there.
Don’t be afraid. You’ve thrown a long on the spiritual fire. You’ve hit an edge, now sit with it, don’t run away. Sit down and simmer. Breathe. Be gentle. Make friends with that part of you. Try having a conversation between your scared part and your inner spiritual guide.
I had a beautiful dream last night and even though it could be a reality, (meaning, it wasn't like I was able to fly, or something supernatural), I somehow feel like it can never be a reality. If it never becomes a reality, at least I caught a glimpse of what it could have felt like. It felt so real. I can still feel the joy I felt inside while in my dream...
Today we sang "In Every Age" at 10am Mass. The third verse will be my prayer for tonight.
" Teach us to make use of the time we have.
Teach us to be patient even as we wait.
Teach us to embrace our ev'ry joy and pain.
To sleep peacefully, and to rise up strong."
Here's something interesting.
I was on catholic.org today and I came across a list of so many different prayers. Here are two prayers that are most relevant to my life right now.
A PRAYER FOR ONE'S CALLING
Jesus, Divine Caller of vocations, You invite some to chosen professions, Others to distinctive spiritual work! Your call may reflect one's ambitions, Or may be a command to a special calling. Inspire me to always know within my heart, What particular type of work is fitting To do Your will at that particular time. Your many callings vary immensely. They are all reflections of Your Holiness. Thank you for my heavenly calling and For maintaining the vocation of Your choice!
A PRAYER FOR THE VIRTUE OF PATIENCE
Patience is a virtue of the Lord: He awaits the return of His children. Forgive my trespasses Oh Lord Jesus, For many times have I tested You. I deserved the wrath of Your hand, But You saw greater things for me: Your patience has been enormous! Grant me a droplet of such endurance, That I may abolish my impious impatience, Refraining from using unpleasant words, And always reflecting Your serenity. Great is the Lord Jesus in His ways!
That's all for tonight folks.
"Peter took this up. 'Look,' he said to him, 'we have left everything and followed you.' Jesus said, 'In truth I tell you, there is no one who has left house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children or land for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times as much, houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and land -- and persecutions too -- now in this present time and, in the world to come, eternal life."
I thought a lot about this part of the reading and I wonder: I can leave all my possessions behind. I don't need all the material things that I have. But, why would He want me to leave my family? This leads me to my next question: Could I and would I leave my family behind to follow Jesus? If I had no family, I would drop everything I had to follow Him. I've been discerning about this a lot and I still haven't found the answer. I know what my answer is. I'm just waiting to see if His answer is the same or different.
now...on to the next chapter.
Chapter 7: Be Willing To Cook In The Spiritual Fire
No matter what we’ve done, how much we’ve hurt, how ashamed we feel, it’s just energy, just stuff that separates us from our perfect essence.
The spiritual warrior hides from nothing. We jump into the fire, we dive into the ocean. We become the sea. In fat, we are already part of the sea of all creation, it’s only an illusion that keeps us apart. To allow ourselves free-flowing energy is to say take me. I surrender. I’m open to feeling everything inside. This does not mean we are without discipline or good judgment. It means we fear nothing that is human and natural. Surrender actually makes us feel safe, because there is nothing left to hide. When we are open and unafraid, we cease being half-hearted with each other.
In the process of opening ourselves, old childhood feelings may be laid before us. Suddenly, we feel like a hurt three-year-old. We want to cling. We start worrying, we get scared, forget our responsibilities, and churn with anxiety.
Our growth begins when we realize we are facing parts of ourselves that have always been there.
Don’t be afraid. You’ve thrown a long on the spiritual fire. You’ve hit an edge, now sit with it, don’t run away. Sit down and simmer. Breathe. Be gentle. Make friends with that part of you. Try having a conversation between your scared part and your inner spiritual guide.
I had a beautiful dream last night and even though it could be a reality, (meaning, it wasn't like I was able to fly, or something supernatural), I somehow feel like it can never be a reality. If it never becomes a reality, at least I caught a glimpse of what it could have felt like. It felt so real. I can still feel the joy I felt inside while in my dream...
Today we sang "In Every Age" at 10am Mass. The third verse will be my prayer for tonight.
" Teach us to make use of the time we have.
Teach us to be patient even as we wait.
Teach us to embrace our ev'ry joy and pain.
To sleep peacefully, and to rise up strong."
Here's something interesting.
I was on catholic.org today and I came across a list of so many different prayers. Here are two prayers that are most relevant to my life right now.
A PRAYER FOR ONE'S CALLING
Jesus, Divine Caller of vocations, You invite some to chosen professions, Others to distinctive spiritual work! Your call may reflect one's ambitions, Or may be a command to a special calling. Inspire me to always know within my heart, What particular type of work is fitting To do Your will at that particular time. Your many callings vary immensely. They are all reflections of Your Holiness. Thank you for my heavenly calling and For maintaining the vocation of Your choice!
A PRAYER FOR THE VIRTUE OF PATIENCE
Patience is a virtue of the Lord: He awaits the return of His children. Forgive my trespasses Oh Lord Jesus, For many times have I tested You. I deserved the wrath of Your hand, But You saw greater things for me: Your patience has been enormous! Grant me a droplet of such endurance, That I may abolish my impious impatience, Refraining from using unpleasant words, And always reflecting Your serenity. Great is the Lord Jesus in His ways!
That's all for tonight folks.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Chapter 6
Accept The Dance of Oneness and Separateness
Intimacy requires an ability to both merge and be separate, to come together and be apart, like oscillating on a giant swing from oneness to separateness, creating a constant rhythm and, for many, feelings of anxiety. We sometimes feel anxious because falling in love and starting a new relationship resurrects any buried feelings about our original attachment to our mother or a primary caregiver. We were once completely merged with our mother and, often unconsciously, we still desire to find that feeling of union. We want someone to completely enfold us and take care of us.
Until we become emotionally separate from an intrusive or controlling parent and release the accompanying guilt- which is really a cover for our rage and anger- we are likely to get into distant or chaotic push-over relationships. Whenever someone gets close to us we tend to see them as the critical or intrusive parent, and misinterpret their motivation and intent.
Releasing guilt requires that we connect with our underlying resentment and anger. This crime of breaking a symbiotic loyalty tie is a necessary one, however, because only through forging a separate identity and finding our authentic voice, can we give birth to our own true self and see others clearly.
As we evolve on the spiritual path, we find a balance between being together—welcoming, present, and alive—and being separate, because life is rich either way.
We want intimacy, but we don’t want to give up doing things our way, or to let go of our longing to have someone take care of us. These fears come from the stories that conceal our wounds.
It might help to remember that at an energy level, win or lose its all the same: our tears of joy and tears of pain are both one energy, the flow of who we are. We can either bargain, hold back, and hang onto comfort and security, or we can take a deep breath and leap into the fire.
Final Thoughts: Juanito's supposed to be with his mommy right now. Hope he's okay with his daddy though.
Intimacy requires an ability to both merge and be separate, to come together and be apart, like oscillating on a giant swing from oneness to separateness, creating a constant rhythm and, for many, feelings of anxiety. We sometimes feel anxious because falling in love and starting a new relationship resurrects any buried feelings about our original attachment to our mother or a primary caregiver. We were once completely merged with our mother and, often unconsciously, we still desire to find that feeling of union. We want someone to completely enfold us and take care of us.
Until we become emotionally separate from an intrusive or controlling parent and release the accompanying guilt- which is really a cover for our rage and anger- we are likely to get into distant or chaotic push-over relationships. Whenever someone gets close to us we tend to see them as the critical or intrusive parent, and misinterpret their motivation and intent.
Releasing guilt requires that we connect with our underlying resentment and anger. This crime of breaking a symbiotic loyalty tie is a necessary one, however, because only through forging a separate identity and finding our authentic voice, can we give birth to our own true self and see others clearly.
As we evolve on the spiritual path, we find a balance between being together—welcoming, present, and alive—and being separate, because life is rich either way.
We want intimacy, but we don’t want to give up doing things our way, or to let go of our longing to have someone take care of us. These fears come from the stories that conceal our wounds.
It might help to remember that at an energy level, win or lose its all the same: our tears of joy and tears of pain are both one energy, the flow of who we are. We can either bargain, hold back, and hang onto comfort and security, or we can take a deep breath and leap into the fire.
Final Thoughts: Juanito's supposed to be with his mommy right now. Hope he's okay with his daddy though.
Chapter 5
So, I haven't updated on the book I was reading because I haven't been reading the next chapters. Today at work though, I found time to read a couple of chapters. I want to lay all 9 chapters that I read right now, but I need to spare some time for rosary so, tomorrow you'll get chapter 6.
Chapter 5: Notice The Stories You Tell Yourself
We all make up stories based on how our parents, church, religion, and teachers treated us. These beliefs get hardwired into the limbic system of the brain and we believe them as if they were absolute truths rather than ideas put into our minds. They become the "knee-jerk" reactions we can't seem to control. We organize our experiences around these false beliefs and they become the filter through which we interpret and react to people and situations. If we have the belief "I'll always be abandoned," we create situations where we'll be abandoned, and forget to notice when people are loyal friends. Our task on the spiritual path is to stop repeating the same old stories and become aware of all the ways we keep proving our stories true.
Stephen Wolinsky's reference to false core beliefs or false core drivers that underlie the nine personality types is interesting. These false core beliefs reflect the conclusions about ourselves we came to as the result of our early childhood traumas or experiences.
Remember: our stories are locked into place by fear- fear of experiencing the current moment, the emptiness beneath a loving connection that pierces our heart and reveals both our grief and joy.
Final thoughts: I surrender. I spoke with someone today who I find to be very wise. This is the first time that I truly felt like I was some kind of barrier that was trying to stop someone from walking towards God. I don't want to get in the way and it seems like everyone is telling me, leave it alone, you're getting in the way, and you shouldn't try to stop it because if it's what God wants, you'll suffer a lot more trying to stop it. So, I surrender to all of this. I never meant to get in the way and I never tried to stop it. I only wanted to find closure in the truth.
Chapter 5: Notice The Stories You Tell Yourself
We all make up stories based on how our parents, church, religion, and teachers treated us. These beliefs get hardwired into the limbic system of the brain and we believe them as if they were absolute truths rather than ideas put into our minds. They become the "knee-jerk" reactions we can't seem to control. We organize our experiences around these false beliefs and they become the filter through which we interpret and react to people and situations. If we have the belief "I'll always be abandoned," we create situations where we'll be abandoned, and forget to notice when people are loyal friends. Our task on the spiritual path is to stop repeating the same old stories and become aware of all the ways we keep proving our stories true.
Stephen Wolinsky's reference to false core beliefs or false core drivers that underlie the nine personality types is interesting. These false core beliefs reflect the conclusions about ourselves we came to as the result of our early childhood traumas or experiences.
Remember: our stories are locked into place by fear- fear of experiencing the current moment, the emptiness beneath a loving connection that pierces our heart and reveals both our grief and joy.
Final thoughts: I surrender. I spoke with someone today who I find to be very wise. This is the first time that I truly felt like I was some kind of barrier that was trying to stop someone from walking towards God. I don't want to get in the way and it seems like everyone is telling me, leave it alone, you're getting in the way, and you shouldn't try to stop it because if it's what God wants, you'll suffer a lot more trying to stop it. So, I surrender to all of this. I never meant to get in the way and I never tried to stop it. I only wanted to find closure in the truth.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Jokes aren't always funny
It was a long day today. I find myself more on the low end when I'm inactive. When I'm sitting at home, especially alone, there's so much darkness. I try to fight this darkness from getting to my heart by updating my calendar, checking email, watching a bit of tv, but I lost today.
Today was my first day of volunteer work. I met three very cool teens. These guys don't have a permanent home, and basically live in the streets. They were telling us volunteers how they were sleeping in the backyard of one of their friends' houses and the neighbors called the cops on them. One of them was telling us about her family. Just listening to her made me hurt so much for her. My heart was not in any condition to hear all of what these teens had to say. I couldn't imagine myself sleeping out in the cold, in some corner. One of the girls has a mom, but only comes by on Sundays to shower. Why is that? Why would any mom let her daughter just sleep in the streets? I truly need to prepare myself for more of this because it's only been my first day, and I'm already an emotional wreck.
I was planning on going to Adoration today. I really needed it, but when I got there, it was closed. It really took me by surprise because I thought it was 24-hrs on Thursdays too. I don't know what it is, but I really need prayers. I was being my emotional self in the car and left a status on facebook saying that the chapel was closed. I wrote earlier that I was going to Adoration if anyone wanted to come, so I thought I should update and let everyone know that it was closed just in case someone wanted to come. Well not too long after that I got a text. Someone had left a comment about my status saying "hahaha, God hates you." I know he didn't know that his joke came at the wrong time, and it was more inappropriate than any other time, but it still hurts a lot. I was really looking forward to Adoration and just being with God. I really needed it...I still do.
This is one of those days where I feel very low in Spirit. I can only try my best to put my faith and trust in God right now. I need Him to carry me at this point. How much I wish that I could hear Him say, " Do not be afraid, my child. I am here with you, and I will hold you until the end of time."
Today was my first day of volunteer work. I met three very cool teens. These guys don't have a permanent home, and basically live in the streets. They were telling us volunteers how they were sleeping in the backyard of one of their friends' houses and the neighbors called the cops on them. One of them was telling us about her family. Just listening to her made me hurt so much for her. My heart was not in any condition to hear all of what these teens had to say. I couldn't imagine myself sleeping out in the cold, in some corner. One of the girls has a mom, but only comes by on Sundays to shower. Why is that? Why would any mom let her daughter just sleep in the streets? I truly need to prepare myself for more of this because it's only been my first day, and I'm already an emotional wreck.
I was planning on going to Adoration today. I really needed it, but when I got there, it was closed. It really took me by surprise because I thought it was 24-hrs on Thursdays too. I don't know what it is, but I really need prayers. I was being my emotional self in the car and left a status on facebook saying that the chapel was closed. I wrote earlier that I was going to Adoration if anyone wanted to come, so I thought I should update and let everyone know that it was closed just in case someone wanted to come. Well not too long after that I got a text. Someone had left a comment about my status saying "hahaha, God hates you." I know he didn't know that his joke came at the wrong time, and it was more inappropriate than any other time, but it still hurts a lot. I was really looking forward to Adoration and just being with God. I really needed it...I still do.
This is one of those days where I feel very low in Spirit. I can only try my best to put my faith and trust in God right now. I need Him to carry me at this point. How much I wish that I could hear Him say, " Do not be afraid, my child. I am here with you, and I will hold you until the end of time."
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
As the flames flicker...
I rearranged my room in many different ways before I decided with an arrangement that I liked most. I understand what you meant by making my room more inviting. I really like how my desk is situated now. I was reading on feng shui and it said that you should position everything in your room so that wherever you are, you have full sight of the door. There's a more cozy feel to it now, especially at this moment. I have candles lit all around my room. The warmth really does sooth my heart. A little bit of soft music playing in the background. I feel your presence here even though you're not physically here.
There's a reason why I did what I did 4 years ago. Little did I know that taking someone to mass with me would change our lives so much. I can't help but believe that God had chosen me out of all people to reach you. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
I don't know what the future holds, but all I know that's concrete in my life is, God and the love I have for you. Where you may be heading is not be where I want you to go, but I trust in God's plans for us and I will always love you, regardless.
I find a lot of peace in knowing that God is taking care of many people I care deeply about. I'm beginning to love prayer and can't go a day without it, which is not something I would've said a couple of years ago. I really think God was calling for my attention so long ago, and it's not til now that I'm actually paying attention and surrendering to Him. Maybe it did have to take so much for me to finally pay attention, because I know He wouldn't just hurt me.
I truly believe that He's putting people in my life for a reason. My community is a prime example of how He's taking care of me. I'm filled with so much gratitude. It's amazing!
Here's a little quote to end the night.
"You will find as you look back upon your life
that the moments when you have really lived,
are the moments when you have done things
in a spirit of love."
~ Henry Drummond
There's a reason why I did what I did 4 years ago. Little did I know that taking someone to mass with me would change our lives so much. I can't help but believe that God had chosen me out of all people to reach you. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
I don't know what the future holds, but all I know that's concrete in my life is, God and the love I have for you. Where you may be heading is not be where I want you to go, but I trust in God's plans for us and I will always love you, regardless.
I find a lot of peace in knowing that God is taking care of many people I care deeply about. I'm beginning to love prayer and can't go a day without it, which is not something I would've said a couple of years ago. I really think God was calling for my attention so long ago, and it's not til now that I'm actually paying attention and surrendering to Him. Maybe it did have to take so much for me to finally pay attention, because I know He wouldn't just hurt me.
I truly believe that He's putting people in my life for a reason. My community is a prime example of how He's taking care of me. I'm filled with so much gratitude. It's amazing!
Here's a little quote to end the night.
"You will find as you look back upon your life
that the moments when you have really lived,
are the moments when you have done things
in a spirit of love."
~ Henry Drummond
Seems like a while
It was only yesterday that it happened, but when I saw you today, it felt like I hadn't seen you in such a long time. There's something definitely magical about us praying in the same room, to the same God. Today was designed by God I'm sure. I talked about going to Adoration at least once a week, and He made it happen right then and there.
He's helping me fulfill my needs. That's Love....
He's helping me fulfill my needs. That's Love....
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Answered Prayer Nonetheless
I read something today that gave me an awful initial reaction. Then as I read on, it made me feel, sort of glad. God is watching over this person and this person seems to be truly happy. I guess when I thought about it, my anger, if you can even call it that, subsided, and I felt genuinely happy for this person. It's been hard and I didn't think I could feel that even though I always tried to convince myself. But, today...today was the first time I actually felt it genuinely. It's pretty amazing.
Anyway, I hung out with a friend and had dinner with another friend today before going to a Going Away party for another friend. Yea, my schedule was pretty darn packed. But anyway, my friend said to me, "Tracy, you need to learn to be selfish for once." I never thought I would ever have to learn how to be selfish. I thought I was selfish but I guess it wasn't enough.
I watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy today and at the last scene.. Bailey said something like I can't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore because it hurts too much. I think I understand exactly what she's talking about, and I guess in a way, this has confirmed what I thought about these past couple of days.
I think I'm gonna take the choir director job. I feel like God's really pushing me towards that direction even though I have a million worries about it.
Wow, I haven't felt this exhausted in a really long time. I had a great day though. I did most of everything I planned on doing except for one thing. I hope the flowers are okay since I can't visit until Saturday. =\ She's very cute though. The other day I came in, and I guess the nurse fed her food, and she was sleeping with food all over her mouth. There was a bit of snoring which I thought was super funny. I don't think she likes to have her face cleaned with a wet paper towel. That's all they had there. I'll need to remember to bring a towel next time. She's a dear friend even though we can't understand each other. Sometimes language barriers are a blessing. There are many different ways to communicate anyway. -_^
Alrighty, I'm off to bed and ready for a new day!
Anyway, I hung out with a friend and had dinner with another friend today before going to a Going Away party for another friend. Yea, my schedule was pretty darn packed. But anyway, my friend said to me, "Tracy, you need to learn to be selfish for once." I never thought I would ever have to learn how to be selfish. I thought I was selfish but I guess it wasn't enough.
I watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy today and at the last scene.. Bailey said something like I can't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore because it hurts too much. I think I understand exactly what she's talking about, and I guess in a way, this has confirmed what I thought about these past couple of days.
I think I'm gonna take the choir director job. I feel like God's really pushing me towards that direction even though I have a million worries about it.
Wow, I haven't felt this exhausted in a really long time. I had a great day though. I did most of everything I planned on doing except for one thing. I hope the flowers are okay since I can't visit until Saturday. =\ She's very cute though. The other day I came in, and I guess the nurse fed her food, and she was sleeping with food all over her mouth. There was a bit of snoring which I thought was super funny. I don't think she likes to have her face cleaned with a wet paper towel. That's all they had there. I'll need to remember to bring a towel next time. She's a dear friend even though we can't understand each other. Sometimes language barriers are a blessing. There are many different ways to communicate anyway. -_^
Alrighty, I'm off to bed and ready for a new day!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
A new opportunity
So yesterday, an old friend of mine called me and told me about a job opportunity. He said that there's a new priest at his church and they're looking for a choir director. It would be a paid position. O_O
I'm really praying hard about this because there are so many factors I need to take into consideration. Mass would be at 5 every Saturday and I would get paid for the hours that I spend rehearsing, choosing songs, directing mass, etc.
It feels like God wants me to take it, even though I still have sort of a commitment to Interfaith. We all have to move on someday and I feel like because some of us have stayed for so long, we need a "Love" offering more than others. We, as in those people, or actually just one person. People who have devoted so much time and energy towards music ministry deserve some kind of reward. Especially during this time when everyone seems to be in a financial rut.
Anyway, I'm thinking about the possibility of going away to school next Fall, and I feel like God wants me to take this job so that I can come home every weekend to visit my family too. It makes a lot of sense to me.
The problem is, can I commit? Will I burn out from working another job (hopefully), volunteering, and choir directing? There's probably a higher expectation for me because I'm getting paid to do the job.
You know what they say...be careful what you ask for...because you might just have it all. =\ I wanted to be busy, and now I feel like the business is coming.
I'm going to continue praying about this. I have to give my answer by the end of the week. Yikes!!!
I'm really praying hard about this because there are so many factors I need to take into consideration. Mass would be at 5 every Saturday and I would get paid for the hours that I spend rehearsing, choosing songs, directing mass, etc.
It feels like God wants me to take it, even though I still have sort of a commitment to Interfaith. We all have to move on someday and I feel like because some of us have stayed for so long, we need a "Love" offering more than others. We, as in those people, or actually just one person. People who have devoted so much time and energy towards music ministry deserve some kind of reward. Especially during this time when everyone seems to be in a financial rut.
Anyway, I'm thinking about the possibility of going away to school next Fall, and I feel like God wants me to take this job so that I can come home every weekend to visit my family too. It makes a lot of sense to me.
The problem is, can I commit? Will I burn out from working another job (hopefully), volunteering, and choir directing? There's probably a higher expectation for me because I'm getting paid to do the job.
You know what they say...be careful what you ask for...because you might just have it all. =\ I wanted to be busy, and now I feel like the business is coming.
I'm going to continue praying about this. I have to give my answer by the end of the week. Yikes!!!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Fearless
I wish I was fearless.
In my creative mind, there is a future too.
Many have asked me.."why don't you just explore possibilities...why don't you just date?" There's very little desire for me to do that. I don't know that that's what I want at the moment, but as soon as I start just living and not looking too far ahead of myself, I think I'll understand a lot more. I think I've actually gone on a couple of dates that I didn't realize until I pieced things together. What's the definition of a date? I guess to me, a date would mean someone takes you out and pays for you, which is exactly what happened, although I didn't think of it that way. hmm...
Anyway, I was talking to a friend of mine last night...well, two friends. They both said, "why don't you date just to date?" I guess in my mind, dating is a process of finding someone you can potentially spend your life with. I never really thought of it as just getting to know people and "letting them make you feel special." That's what my other friend said. haha.
In a book I read, the author said, " You shouldn't love based on fear...that's not loving unconditionally."
One of the friends I talked to last night also say, "If God intended it to be a certain way, no matter how much you fight it, it will end up that way. He will laugh at you for wanting to know the answer right now." She also told me to think of it like the pages in the book of my life. If this page is too hard to understand at the moment, I can just fold it in half and go on to the next page. I can revisit that page, open it up and find that I understand it a lot better because of the answers the pages I moved on to gave me.
I love this imagery! Well, I don't really know what it is...a metaphor? Anyway, that really help put things in perspective for me. I think I need a break from all of this and just take this time to enjoy life for what is it. It's true, there IS connectedness amidst separateness.
In my creative mind, there is a future too.
Many have asked me.."why don't you just explore possibilities...why don't you just date?" There's very little desire for me to do that. I don't know that that's what I want at the moment, but as soon as I start just living and not looking too far ahead of myself, I think I'll understand a lot more. I think I've actually gone on a couple of dates that I didn't realize until I pieced things together. What's the definition of a date? I guess to me, a date would mean someone takes you out and pays for you, which is exactly what happened, although I didn't think of it that way. hmm...
Anyway, I was talking to a friend of mine last night...well, two friends. They both said, "why don't you date just to date?" I guess in my mind, dating is a process of finding someone you can potentially spend your life with. I never really thought of it as just getting to know people and "letting them make you feel special." That's what my other friend said. haha.
In a book I read, the author said, " You shouldn't love based on fear...that's not loving unconditionally."
One of the friends I talked to last night also say, "If God intended it to be a certain way, no matter how much you fight it, it will end up that way. He will laugh at you for wanting to know the answer right now." She also told me to think of it like the pages in the book of my life. If this page is too hard to understand at the moment, I can just fold it in half and go on to the next page. I can revisit that page, open it up and find that I understand it a lot better because of the answers the pages I moved on to gave me.
I love this imagery! Well, I don't really know what it is...a metaphor? Anyway, that really help put things in perspective for me. I think I need a break from all of this and just take this time to enjoy life for what is it. It's true, there IS connectedness amidst separateness.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Chapter 4: Stay Loyal to Your Journey
Everything I write here is from the book, so I just won't use quotations.
Staying loyal to your journey means you never abandon yourself by compromising your integrity or discounting your intuition or the signals that come from your body--the knot in the gut, emotional detachment, or loss of energy that signals something is amiss. You learn to realize when you "hit your edges"--when you feel backed up against a wall, scared to see what you see, know what you know, or feel what you feel. When people hit an edge they usually run away by going numb, distracting themselves, changing the subject, counter-attacking, overindulging in food or drink, or blaming.
To be loyal to your journey is to care for yourself and remember that at your center, you are a luminous essence capable of compassion and love. Buddhists use many images to describe our inner perfection: the sun behind the clouds, a pot of gold underneath the ground, a jewel that is buried in mud beside the road. Using the jewel image, we can remember that the precious stone is beautiful, radiant, and shining, but unless someone digs it up and washes off the mud, it cannot shine or be appreciated. Most of us have coverings over the jewel that is within us--the false beliefs and masks that block our connection to our perfect essence.
As we are conditioned, programmed, and taught how to look, how to be, how to behave, how to act, how to imagine, how to feel and how to think, our essence becomes submerged between all the "I-dentities" we take on. We learn to please Mom, smile for company, get good grades and make endless adaptations to be noticed and loved. Eventually we lose contact with our essence and even come to fear it. According to Wolinsky, an I-dentity, if it enters this emptiness...imagines annihilation, nonexistence, or death. This inner emptiness is the inner Essence which we all seek and which contains essential qualities like love, peace, power, invulnerablity, and so on, and which is intrinsic to the nature of Essence.
If we're disconnected from the music of our essence, and attempt to find happiness through another's song, there will be dependency and a relationship without harmony.
The spiritual path is a process of unmasking ourselves rather than changing or repairing ourselves. Our task is to crack through and soften the layers upon layers of personas and masks we have donned to protect us from the false core beliefs that cover our hurts, losses, and loneliness.
We start by being aware of our masks, curious about their purpose, amused by their cleverness, yet always remembering that masks are simply that--they can't love. We can remove these coverings in a thousand ways: We might quietly say to our beloved, "I'm feeling afraid, can we sit together in this fear" Most of all we need to recognize our fear as ours, and not attribute them to the weather, the stars, or another person.
Finally, if you want love and friendship, if you want to know beauty, you must walk the path undisguised.
That's a lot for one chapter huh? I couldn't help but share it all with you guys. These are the ideas that stood out to me the most and I guess I've been praying about them a bit myself.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Staying loyal to your journey means you never abandon yourself by compromising your integrity or discounting your intuition or the signals that come from your body--the knot in the gut, emotional detachment, or loss of energy that signals something is amiss. You learn to realize when you "hit your edges"--when you feel backed up against a wall, scared to see what you see, know what you know, or feel what you feel. When people hit an edge they usually run away by going numb, distracting themselves, changing the subject, counter-attacking, overindulging in food or drink, or blaming.
To be loyal to your journey is to care for yourself and remember that at your center, you are a luminous essence capable of compassion and love. Buddhists use many images to describe our inner perfection: the sun behind the clouds, a pot of gold underneath the ground, a jewel that is buried in mud beside the road. Using the jewel image, we can remember that the precious stone is beautiful, radiant, and shining, but unless someone digs it up and washes off the mud, it cannot shine or be appreciated. Most of us have coverings over the jewel that is within us--the false beliefs and masks that block our connection to our perfect essence.
As we are conditioned, programmed, and taught how to look, how to be, how to behave, how to act, how to imagine, how to feel and how to think, our essence becomes submerged between all the "I-dentities" we take on. We learn to please Mom, smile for company, get good grades and make endless adaptations to be noticed and loved. Eventually we lose contact with our essence and even come to fear it. According to Wolinsky, an I-dentity, if it enters this emptiness...imagines annihilation, nonexistence, or death. This inner emptiness is the inner Essence which we all seek and which contains essential qualities like love, peace, power, invulnerablity, and so on, and which is intrinsic to the nature of Essence.
If we're disconnected from the music of our essence, and attempt to find happiness through another's song, there will be dependency and a relationship without harmony.
The spiritual path is a process of unmasking ourselves rather than changing or repairing ourselves. Our task is to crack through and soften the layers upon layers of personas and masks we have donned to protect us from the false core beliefs that cover our hurts, losses, and loneliness.
We start by being aware of our masks, curious about their purpose, amused by their cleverness, yet always remembering that masks are simply that--they can't love. We can remove these coverings in a thousand ways: We might quietly say to our beloved, "I'm feeling afraid, can we sit together in this fear" Most of all we need to recognize our fear as ours, and not attribute them to the weather, the stars, or another person.
Finally, if you want love and friendship, if you want to know beauty, you must walk the path undisguised.
That's a lot for one chapter huh? I couldn't help but share it all with you guys. These are the ideas that stood out to me the most and I guess I've been praying about them a bit myself.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Minutes before sleep
I am content with the present moment. I've felt like a zombie for quite some time and I'm beginning to break out of that. I find myself trying to connect with people again and I'm finding that many want to connect with me. It's really in this community that I have found and continue to find so much love.
I think everyday out of this week I'm going to get to hang out with someone old and new just to either reconnect or to form a connection. It's really pretty awesome. I do miss many many people who have made such a difference in my life. Some of these people read my blogs, so if you're reading, I'm talking about you.
I know that for some, it's hard to reconnect again. It's natural and just human for us to have fear. But when you think about it, it's a matter of whether you think it will be worth it to face those fears and walk right over them.
Fears and doubts often try to stop us from doing exactly what would make us complete.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I just trust that things will fall into place.
I think everyday out of this week I'm going to get to hang out with someone old and new just to either reconnect or to form a connection. It's really pretty awesome. I do miss many many people who have made such a difference in my life. Some of these people read my blogs, so if you're reading, I'm talking about you.
I know that for some, it's hard to reconnect again. It's natural and just human for us to have fear. But when you think about it, it's a matter of whether you think it will be worth it to face those fears and walk right over them.
Fears and doubts often try to stop us from doing exactly what would make us complete.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I just trust that things will fall into place.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Chapter 3: What is this longing for an intimate relationship?
I'm just gonna go straight to the good stuffs.
"When we let go completely of our ego and our demands, even for a moment, we taste the sweetness of love."
- Sounds pretty good doesn't it?
Here's another good one.
"No one can "make us happy." If you accept that your longing for a lover is your desire to crack through your rigid ego and be free, you will commit to staying aware on your journey."
"As an intrepid traveler on the path to love, you open yourself to whatever comes your way-hurt, fear, neediness, joy, bliss-invite it in, observe it, make friends with it, and let it pass. This commitment to staying awake will free you from holding back and allow you to feel the roar, purr, glow, and breath of spirit rippling through you, sensuous and alive."
The last part is a bit corny, but I like the overall message.
"If in a relationship there is no tension {meaning no deepening of knowledge of self and others}, it ceases to be a relationship and merely becomes a comfortable sleep state, an opiate--which most people want and prefer."
That's why studies have shown that it's healthy for couples to fight about little things. That's how you start to learn about each others' wants and needs. From there, you can decide whether or not it's worth it.
"Our ego may fight this exploration because it wants to hold onto cherished beliefs about what we are, what is right, and what we need. We move toward love and suddenly our ego throws up a wall. Danger, back off. The ego fears surrender. Our soul, however, longs for us to crack our shells, leap in the ocean, and become naked to ourselves and others. In doing so we become free to experience all that is within us; the power of our sexuality and passion, creativity, generosity, and tenderness along with the parts of us that are whiny, afraid, dependent, controlling, empty, violent, or needy--not to mention the parts of us that may sink to new depths of sneakiness and manipulation."
- That was a load of words huh?
"Become fascinated by and curious about your inner world, bring minute-to-minute awareness of your judgments, reactions, fears, and hurts, without shame or saying, "I shouldn't feel this way." How you feel is how you feel, what you think is what you think. Instead of stopping the flow of these thoughts and feelings, be with them, observe them, explore their origins. They are your teachers. All transformation starts with awareness."
- Nothing's better than staying true to your heart and feelings.
Well, that's chapter 3 for you.
"When we let go completely of our ego and our demands, even for a moment, we taste the sweetness of love."
- Sounds pretty good doesn't it?
Here's another good one.
"No one can "make us happy." If you accept that your longing for a lover is your desire to crack through your rigid ego and be free, you will commit to staying aware on your journey."
"As an intrepid traveler on the path to love, you open yourself to whatever comes your way-hurt, fear, neediness, joy, bliss-invite it in, observe it, make friends with it, and let it pass. This commitment to staying awake will free you from holding back and allow you to feel the roar, purr, glow, and breath of spirit rippling through you, sensuous and alive."
The last part is a bit corny, but I like the overall message.
"If in a relationship there is no tension {meaning no deepening of knowledge of self and others}, it ceases to be a relationship and merely becomes a comfortable sleep state, an opiate--which most people want and prefer."
That's why studies have shown that it's healthy for couples to fight about little things. That's how you start to learn about each others' wants and needs. From there, you can decide whether or not it's worth it.
"Our ego may fight this exploration because it wants to hold onto cherished beliefs about what we are, what is right, and what we need. We move toward love and suddenly our ego throws up a wall. Danger, back off. The ego fears surrender. Our soul, however, longs for us to crack our shells, leap in the ocean, and become naked to ourselves and others. In doing so we become free to experience all that is within us; the power of our sexuality and passion, creativity, generosity, and tenderness along with the parts of us that are whiny, afraid, dependent, controlling, empty, violent, or needy--not to mention the parts of us that may sink to new depths of sneakiness and manipulation."
- That was a load of words huh?
"Become fascinated by and curious about your inner world, bring minute-to-minute awareness of your judgments, reactions, fears, and hurts, without shame or saying, "I shouldn't feel this way." How you feel is how you feel, what you think is what you think. Instead of stopping the flow of these thoughts and feelings, be with them, observe them, explore their origins. They are your teachers. All transformation starts with awareness."
- Nothing's better than staying true to your heart and feelings.
Well, that's chapter 3 for you.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Chapter 2: Ground Yourself with Spiritual Wisdom
This chapter was very reaffirming to me.
" If we succumb to fear, we start holding back, and do that all-too-common dance of getting close, and pulling away."
Fear had always kept me from pulling away and that was my struggle. I guess fear can each form an attachment that we can't let go of, or it can cause someone to become distant because of fear of getting hurt, or fear of something else.
"If we live by truth we may have pain, but we will always rest securely within ourselves."
This is one of those ideas that were reaffirming to me; that although the truth causes a lot of pain, I'm developing a deeper understanding of myself and I'm becoming more comfortable with it.
"With complete acceptance of what is, and with seeing through all these superficial desires to the essence of all that is, we will live with peace and love."
"While painful situations are inherent in life-loss, death, hurt, illness- if we accept them as part of life, we do not suffer as much."
If only it was easier to do this. I guess we can always strive to reach this point of acceptance.
"When we try to mold someone into an image of what we want rather than getting to know and appreciate them as they are, we create separateness, frustration, and loneliness. As we become mindful of our demands and less insistent on having things our way, we feel increasingly peaceful and in touch with our compassion and tenderness."
Compassion and tenderness...these two words sound pretty peaceful to me. Having compassion for someone and loving them just as they are, are very much characteristics of Jesus. This has always been my desire but at times it was too difficult. For example, I love my brother, but I definitely don't like the way that he is sometimes. So, instead of showing him the kind of compassionate love that I want to show him, I end up being upset about things that he does. I'm working on it.
"Instead of trying to freeze the present moment and hang onto it, we need to remember that life is a process of constantly letting go. The ego wants dependable rituals and people who stay the same. But to be free means that we enjoy this touch, this kiss, this sunrise, and then let it go. This is sometimes described as not letting the ground under your feet get too solid, not grasping for security or predictability."
For a while, I was trying to understand what "being free" meant. When I read this, it made a lot more sense. It's a big struggle trying not to hold on to memories that were really great but then again, sometimes thinking about those great memories can cause a lot of bittersweet feelings. It's getting to a point where we can think about these great memories, cherish them, and look forward that's tough to do.
"To love each other is to love God and to love God is to love each other--there is no separation."
This is one of the most sacred phrases of Sufism.
Finally, this is the take home message from this chapter:
"As you deepen your commitment to know yourself and make friends with all of who you are, mercy and compassion will emerge naturally as you begin to live from your essence. This, in turn, will free you to give and receive love."
" If we succumb to fear, we start holding back, and do that all-too-common dance of getting close, and pulling away."
Fear had always kept me from pulling away and that was my struggle. I guess fear can each form an attachment that we can't let go of, or it can cause someone to become distant because of fear of getting hurt, or fear of something else.
"If we live by truth we may have pain, but we will always rest securely within ourselves."
This is one of those ideas that were reaffirming to me; that although the truth causes a lot of pain, I'm developing a deeper understanding of myself and I'm becoming more comfortable with it.
"With complete acceptance of what is, and with seeing through all these superficial desires to the essence of all that is, we will live with peace and love."
"While painful situations are inherent in life-loss, death, hurt, illness- if we accept them as part of life, we do not suffer as much."
If only it was easier to do this. I guess we can always strive to reach this point of acceptance.
"When we try to mold someone into an image of what we want rather than getting to know and appreciate them as they are, we create separateness, frustration, and loneliness. As we become mindful of our demands and less insistent on having things our way, we feel increasingly peaceful and in touch with our compassion and tenderness."
Compassion and tenderness...these two words sound pretty peaceful to me. Having compassion for someone and loving them just as they are, are very much characteristics of Jesus. This has always been my desire but at times it was too difficult. For example, I love my brother, but I definitely don't like the way that he is sometimes. So, instead of showing him the kind of compassionate love that I want to show him, I end up being upset about things that he does. I'm working on it.
"Instead of trying to freeze the present moment and hang onto it, we need to remember that life is a process of constantly letting go. The ego wants dependable rituals and people who stay the same. But to be free means that we enjoy this touch, this kiss, this sunrise, and then let it go. This is sometimes described as not letting the ground under your feet get too solid, not grasping for security or predictability."
For a while, I was trying to understand what "being free" meant. When I read this, it made a lot more sense. It's a big struggle trying not to hold on to memories that were really great but then again, sometimes thinking about those great memories can cause a lot of bittersweet feelings. It's getting to a point where we can think about these great memories, cherish them, and look forward that's tough to do.
"To love each other is to love God and to love God is to love each other--there is no separation."
This is one of the most sacred phrases of Sufism.
Finally, this is the take home message from this chapter:
"As you deepen your commitment to know yourself and make friends with all of who you are, mercy and compassion will emerge naturally as you begin to live from your essence. This, in turn, will free you to give and receive love."
Sunday, September 13, 2009
What am I learning these days?
There's a lot of grace that comes with being able to understand someone beyond their simplicity, and what's even more awesome is that I am able to understand myself as well. Believe it or not, I used to not understand myself as much as I do now. I've gotta say though, that community is key. I've found community to be one of God's greatest blessings. When there is a community that is willing to give you Love, you begin to wonder.....
I've been reading this book ( If The Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl) and I find it very enlightening. So, I want to share it with all of you. I'll post ideas from each chapter that stand out to me the most, or most thought-provoking. Comments and/or discussions are very welcomed.
Chapter 1
Preparation for Love: Walking a path of truth and loving kindness
"On the spiritual path, we enter into a shared union where we cherish and give to each other, expanding our ability to love unconditionally. We would also accept that the process can be awkward, unpredictable, challenging, and surprising."
Loving unconditionally seems to be the hardest thing to do and although I strive to, I sometimes regress back to thinking about reciprocity. I think it's very natural that you would want your Love for someone to be reciprocated, but when you can love without the need for reciprocity, you have achieved something much greater: you are Christ-like. This is how I want to live my life.
"We begin our journey always remembering that there is a circular relationship between our ability to know and love another and our ability to know and love ourselves."
I am beginning to understand how crucial this is to any kind of relationship. I've realized that if I'm not self-loving, then I am not ready to love someone else.
Chapter 2, to be continued...
I've been reading this book ( If The Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl) and I find it very enlightening. So, I want to share it with all of you. I'll post ideas from each chapter that stand out to me the most, or most thought-provoking. Comments and/or discussions are very welcomed.
Chapter 1
Preparation for Love: Walking a path of truth and loving kindness
"On the spiritual path, we enter into a shared union where we cherish and give to each other, expanding our ability to love unconditionally. We would also accept that the process can be awkward, unpredictable, challenging, and surprising."
Loving unconditionally seems to be the hardest thing to do and although I strive to, I sometimes regress back to thinking about reciprocity. I think it's very natural that you would want your Love for someone to be reciprocated, but when you can love without the need for reciprocity, you have achieved something much greater: you are Christ-like. This is how I want to live my life.
"We begin our journey always remembering that there is a circular relationship between our ability to know and love another and our ability to know and love ourselves."
I am beginning to understand how crucial this is to any kind of relationship. I've realized that if I'm not self-loving, then I am not ready to love someone else.
Chapter 2, to be continued...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Lesson of the Day
My big lesson of the day has got to be not asking questions that seem to point in the wrong direction. No matter how hard I try, I somehow always start to think about these questions and of course I can't help but ask them. The honest truth is, even though I ask these questions as if I'm trying to pressure or change the situation, I'm not sure that I can actually follow through with it if things went my way. I think that much healing is needed at this point.
What was said will be lifted up to God and what remains in my heart, will also be lifted up to God. I can only trust that this is God doing his work.
" I give my life to follow; everything I believed in...now I surrender."
Yes, I sometimes question," Why should I do this? Why should I be around when in the end I leave with nothing?" The answer I somehow always end up with is...Love. Unconditional Love. I believe that whenever I think of this, God is working through me to get me to that realization.
I continue to pray and hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is not too far away.
What was said will be lifted up to God and what remains in my heart, will also be lifted up to God. I can only trust that this is God doing his work.
" I give my life to follow; everything I believed in...now I surrender."
Yes, I sometimes question," Why should I do this? Why should I be around when in the end I leave with nothing?" The answer I somehow always end up with is...Love. Unconditional Love. I believe that whenever I think of this, God is working through me to get me to that realization.
I continue to pray and hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is not too far away.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Coincidences...signs...
I woke up thinking about this today. The other day something strange happened. I was working on a slideshow for Mustard Seeds Family Night, and all of a sudden I hear this vibrating noise. I looked around to see where it came from and I saw my old phone light up. It was really strange since my old phone had been off ever since I got my new one. So, I took a look and boy was it a shocker.
It was a reminder and the title was Love. It's funny how it decided to activate 3 months later when the date was 6.25.09.
Anyway, it's hard to tell sometimes if stuff like this came from God.
It was a reminder and the title was Love. It's funny how it decided to activate 3 months later when the date was 6.25.09.
Anyway, it's hard to tell sometimes if stuff like this came from God.
Have I changed?
So I've changed and I cant be recognized anymore some have said. Am I not the same Tracy I was before? Of course not. I'm a different person now. I'm someone who continued to fight for what she loved until she had to learn to let it go. I'm someone who tries to be a better person because of Love and for Love. I'm someone who, now, realizes that she is capable of loving against all odds. If by changing this way, I have caused the loss of what/who I changed for, then only God knows why.
All these reasons cause too much confusion when there's really one reason; whatever that is from the heart.
I'm not sure what God is trying to tell me but somehow I feel like he's giving me this chance to thing about something that I've never wanted to think about. I've always shoved it aside and joked about it as if it would never be a possibility. Could it be that this is for me?
On a lighter note, I'm about to embark on a new journey. I will be starting my volunteer training this Saturday for Stand Up For Kids, an organization that helps kids on the streets or in low-income families by providing therapy/counseling, and domestic needs. I'm very excited and can't wait to see where this will lead me. I'm also a bit nervous because of the uncertainty. There are many uncertainties in my life right now but I must continue living forward to get to the point where all of these uncertainties will be revealed to me.
I feel a lot of peace tonight and even though this is not consistent, I can only pray that it will slowly become a consistent feeling. Feeling of peace. This weekend's Emmaus gathering really shed light on a lot of things I was having trouble grasping. I find that through community, I am able to express myself fully who I am. I also realized that I am much stronger than I think I am; to face such a difficult task every day and make it through with at least, a smile, or a good laugh. I must admit, no matter how hard I try, I cannot find myself to be lighthearted about certain situations because it causes me to assume things. What does it mean to be lighthearted? Not to take it too seriously? I'm working on not having assumptions about certain matters. The only way I can succeed in that is to completely move on. There's a lot of steps to moving on, I believe. The step I'm at is moving on with life. The next step....the hardest....is moving on with my heart.
to be continued...
All these reasons cause too much confusion when there's really one reason; whatever that is from the heart.
I'm not sure what God is trying to tell me but somehow I feel like he's giving me this chance to thing about something that I've never wanted to think about. I've always shoved it aside and joked about it as if it would never be a possibility. Could it be that this is for me?
On a lighter note, I'm about to embark on a new journey. I will be starting my volunteer training this Saturday for Stand Up For Kids, an organization that helps kids on the streets or in low-income families by providing therapy/counseling, and domestic needs. I'm very excited and can't wait to see where this will lead me. I'm also a bit nervous because of the uncertainty. There are many uncertainties in my life right now but I must continue living forward to get to the point where all of these uncertainties will be revealed to me.
I feel a lot of peace tonight and even though this is not consistent, I can only pray that it will slowly become a consistent feeling. Feeling of peace. This weekend's Emmaus gathering really shed light on a lot of things I was having trouble grasping. I find that through community, I am able to express myself fully who I am. I also realized that I am much stronger than I think I am; to face such a difficult task every day and make it through with at least, a smile, or a good laugh. I must admit, no matter how hard I try, I cannot find myself to be lighthearted about certain situations because it causes me to assume things. What does it mean to be lighthearted? Not to take it too seriously? I'm working on not having assumptions about certain matters. The only way I can succeed in that is to completely move on. There's a lot of steps to moving on, I believe. The step I'm at is moving on with life. The next step....the hardest....is moving on with my heart.
to be continued...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wow...
Your eyes showed me so much love. Your embrace was more than enough. Your tears hurt me more than I was initially hurt. When you said "I don't want to see you suffer because I love you," my heart felt so much love. It's so weird to say that I felt love and pain at the same time. My own mother says that to me, but coming from you, it just warms my heart. You're like a mother to me, and I will always see you as one. Even though you'll never read this, when I get a chance, I will thank you for sharing my pain with me.
I'm beginning to understand myself more. I'm beginning to really believe that I deserve to be loved the way I have loved. I continue to pray for you.
I'm beginning to understand myself more. I'm beginning to really believe that I deserve to be loved the way I have loved. I continue to pray for you.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Today, I Am.
I am. I have always been, and I will always be someone who loves deeply, cares passionately, and works persistently.
I am. I have always been, and I will always be a child of God.
I've made mistakes but I've always tried to make up for them.
I've never given up on what I love. or...who I love.
At the end of the day, I'm proud to be ME.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Tomorrow, when I wake up and everyday after, I will strive to reflect this kind of Love. Changes don't happen overnight, but it can happen with patience, perseverance, and desire.
I am. I have always been, and I will always be a child of God.
I've made mistakes but I've always tried to make up for them.
I've never given up on what I love. or...who I love.
At the end of the day, I'm proud to be ME.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Tomorrow, when I wake up and everyday after, I will strive to reflect this kind of Love. Changes don't happen overnight, but it can happen with patience, perseverance, and desire.
Monday, August 24, 2009
My Decision
I made the hardest decision that I should've made a long long time ago. This decision was made out of love for both of us. I'm still supporting you...only through prayer.
Peace to you and yours.
Peace to you and yours.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
my best
All I can really live with is knowing that I did my best. I've learned that just because your relationship seems to be going really well doesn't mean that nothing will happen. Indeed if your heart is not fully devoted to the relationship, then it's just better not to push it any further. I need to be honest with myself now and really assess my needs. My wants are making me do things that only end up with hurt and pain. I also need to realize that not everyone needs me to take care of them and so I won't, not by choice but by request. I still love and I will continue to love to the fullest of my ability. This neverending test is never going to make me love less. Although I need to find the heart to understand why I'm being tested so harshly, I have a good example of a strong woman to keep me going; my Mom. I'm ready to believe that this is something God has planned especially for me and that I will experience all the goodness that he will bless my way soon. My life is in Your hands. There's an end to everything. I remember watching this movie and a daughter asked her mother, " mom, have you ever had to let someone go?" Her mom replied, " of course I have and if it wasn't for that I never wouldve met your father." So I'll keep that in mind and feed off my own mother's strength. I'll be okay.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Therapy
I think I'm called to be a therapist. Lately, I've been sought out by a lot of people that I haven't spoken to for a really long time. I usually end up having really long and deep conversations with them. I find myself learning a lot from them just by listening to their issues or even triumphs. I also feel really eager to listen and give suggestions when they ask for them. In a way, I think one of my prayers have been answered. For a while, I was feeling like I've lost touch with some of my close friends and sometimes felt like no one really cared to talk to me even I didn't reach out to them first. Then all of a sudden, these people that I haven't seen in years or rarely speak you, start facebooking me and IMing me just to ask how I was doing. We then talk about pretty intense and personal stuff that I wouldn't expect. It makes me really happy that they have that much trust in me.
I do feel blessed. Even in the midst of struggle, it's in these little blessings that I'm able to keep moving. I've been noticing that my recent blogs have been really sad and depressing. I think someone told me once that I'm happy one day and sad the next because they read my blogs. I sometimes don't write things down unless it was something extreme. If a feeling I had from a bad situation lingers long enough, I'll most likely write about it. Same goes for something happy. I'm really not bipolar or schizophrenic. lol
Now that I've got that cleared up, haha, it's time for bed!
I do feel blessed. Even in the midst of struggle, it's in these little blessings that I'm able to keep moving. I've been noticing that my recent blogs have been really sad and depressing. I think someone told me once that I'm happy one day and sad the next because they read my blogs. I sometimes don't write things down unless it was something extreme. If a feeling I had from a bad situation lingers long enough, I'll most likely write about it. Same goes for something happy. I'm really not bipolar or schizophrenic. lol
Now that I've got that cleared up, haha, it's time for bed!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Unreconciled...or Irreconciled?
I've always heard people say irreconciled differences, not unreconciled, right?
Anyway, I should be studying for my GRE's which is happening on October 3 of this year. I've pushed it back long enough so it's time to just stick with the plan. I feel a bit unmotivated. I've done a lot today as far as running errands and stuff. I seem to be regressing. I was doing pretty well with not letting uncontrollable things control me, but it's beginning to strike up again. I guess when you have too much time to think, you end up thinking about things that bring you down.
I must admit that I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. I've been feeling like everyone around me has disappeared. These times make me really miss the times when my dad was still here. I can just give him a hug and at least for that moment, my troubles would just melt away. At least for that moment, I would feel safe and loved. It's really quite interesting how lately...I would find myself feeling emotional and I would tear up without something to stimulate it. I'm usually an emotional person so when I watch something sad or even happy, I tend to cry. Excuse my corny attempt at describing this but lately I feel like my heart is doing a lot of crying but my mind doesn't quite understand why.
I am blessed with so much but I feel like all of these blessings are an inch away from my reach.
I want to do so much but I find myself not being able to move. I want to talk but I feel so tired to speak.
What am I really running away from?
I miss you.
Anyway, I should be studying for my GRE's which is happening on October 3 of this year. I've pushed it back long enough so it's time to just stick with the plan. I feel a bit unmotivated. I've done a lot today as far as running errands and stuff. I seem to be regressing. I was doing pretty well with not letting uncontrollable things control me, but it's beginning to strike up again. I guess when you have too much time to think, you end up thinking about things that bring you down.
I must admit that I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. I've been feeling like everyone around me has disappeared. These times make me really miss the times when my dad was still here. I can just give him a hug and at least for that moment, my troubles would just melt away. At least for that moment, I would feel safe and loved. It's really quite interesting how lately...I would find myself feeling emotional and I would tear up without something to stimulate it. I'm usually an emotional person so when I watch something sad or even happy, I tend to cry. Excuse my corny attempt at describing this but lately I feel like my heart is doing a lot of crying but my mind doesn't quite understand why.
I am blessed with so much but I feel like all of these blessings are an inch away from my reach.
I want to do so much but I find myself not being able to move. I want to talk but I feel so tired to speak.
What am I really running away from?
I miss you.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Commitment...or not
What makes someone committed to something? It's such a tough choice to make, to be committed to someone or something. You have to love, want, desire, need it. Right?
For some reason, I've been drifting away from a lot of things I used to be very committed to. There's just this force that pulls me away. It's the fear of gossips and people looking down on you for being human. It's a loss of trust. I have a desire to come back, but the thought of being ridiculed keeps me from wanting to come back.
Is it bad that I would just like to live my life NOT under a radar? Must I broadcast every news that happens in my life to everyone? I'm so tired of feeling like my decisions to be happy is making other unhappy. I wanna go back to when there was no drama. When I'm just happy being me. I wanna go back to when people didn't talk about you behind your back. I wanna go back to when there were no secrets. Some secrets need not be revealed for the truth to be revealed.
If you've only heard my story through someone else, you know nothing about me. Please don't judge me based on rumors. If you really wanna know, just ask me. I'm your most reliable source.
Thanks.
For some reason, I've been drifting away from a lot of things I used to be very committed to. There's just this force that pulls me away. It's the fear of gossips and people looking down on you for being human. It's a loss of trust. I have a desire to come back, but the thought of being ridiculed keeps me from wanting to come back.
Is it bad that I would just like to live my life NOT under a radar? Must I broadcast every news that happens in my life to everyone? I'm so tired of feeling like my decisions to be happy is making other unhappy. I wanna go back to when there was no drama. When I'm just happy being me. I wanna go back to when people didn't talk about you behind your back. I wanna go back to when there were no secrets. Some secrets need not be revealed for the truth to be revealed.
If you've only heard my story through someone else, you know nothing about me. Please don't judge me based on rumors. If you really wanna know, just ask me. I'm your most reliable source.
Thanks.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Is anybody here anymore?
I feel like just two weeks have gone yet so much have been drifting away from me. I feel so uncomfortable.
Is it now time to get back into the reality of things. Things you don't want to deal with but now you have to. Things that affect so much that surrounds you including people who you once called a close friend.
I have so many plans to keep myself busy these next few weeks. I'm determined not to let my insecurity dictate my actions. I have a B.S in Psych. I should probably learn to talk myself out of things that I've talked myself into thinking about.
Anyway, I'm gonna fight the jet lag and go to sleep.
Peace.
I feel like just two weeks have gone yet so much have been drifting away from me. I feel so uncomfortable.
Is it now time to get back into the reality of things. Things you don't want to deal with but now you have to. Things that affect so much that surrounds you including people who you once called a close friend.
I have so many plans to keep myself busy these next few weeks. I'm determined not to let my insecurity dictate my actions. I have a B.S in Psych. I should probably learn to talk myself out of things that I've talked myself into thinking about.
Anyway, I'm gonna fight the jet lag and go to sleep.
Peace.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I'm in Nice, France
I should be feeling really nice right?
Well, it's funny cuz...I don't. I mean, it's beautiful here and my trip has been great for the most part. But it just sucks that you don't even have time to rest from your jet lag. You're either walking a lot or on the road a lot. That's how it is when you're going with people. You don't really get to decide what YOU want to do next. Sometimes even when you're in pain, you still have to move because you don't want to slow the others down.
I've really been missing home. I want to be in my cozy little home in my cozy little bed. I want to hug my mom. It's just so hard to find internet here. We tried to in Spain. It was too expensive to use internet at the hotel and the phone card I bought was $20 for only an hour. Yea...rip off for sure. We finally found an internet shop but the other two only wanted to be on for 20 minutes. I understand that we're in Europe and we should spend as much time exploring as possible, but the sun doesn't set in til 10 pm. There are really long days in Spain. I'm currently in France right now, and the sun sets a little sooner. There's actually free internet in this hotel which is great! They've also got a kettle for hot water which I've been looking for because my mom packed ramen and I was really craving them. The food here is really expensive if you don't know where to look. I love the cafes here. They're so cute! We've been having buffet breakfasts everyday and a buffet dinner every other day. So the days we don't have dinner and lunch paid for, we had to go look.
In Spain, we took the metro a lot. I'm a pro at it now. haha. Although it requires a lot of walking, I really like it. It's convenient. You don't need to worry about where you can park your car and it's pretty cheap. 1 euro for a ticket. The only problem is you can get mugged. If you don't watch your pockets and bags like Vinh and this other girl who's on the tour, they can mug you pretty easily. I haven't gotten mugged and I won't. I have my hand on my bag at all times. I'm a bit afraid of Italy though.
Anyway, it's about 2 in the morning here in France. I'm going to bath in the sun tomorrow. The water is so blue. It's beautiful.
I miss you all and I can't wait to come home. Don't be afraid to holler at me when you can. I'd love to have some home lovin'. Being homesick sucks when you're trying to have a vacation...but I guess that means I just really love home. =]
Well, it's funny cuz...I don't. I mean, it's beautiful here and my trip has been great for the most part. But it just sucks that you don't even have time to rest from your jet lag. You're either walking a lot or on the road a lot. That's how it is when you're going with people. You don't really get to decide what YOU want to do next. Sometimes even when you're in pain, you still have to move because you don't want to slow the others down.
I've really been missing home. I want to be in my cozy little home in my cozy little bed. I want to hug my mom. It's just so hard to find internet here. We tried to in Spain. It was too expensive to use internet at the hotel and the phone card I bought was $20 for only an hour. Yea...rip off for sure. We finally found an internet shop but the other two only wanted to be on for 20 minutes. I understand that we're in Europe and we should spend as much time exploring as possible, but the sun doesn't set in til 10 pm. There are really long days in Spain. I'm currently in France right now, and the sun sets a little sooner. There's actually free internet in this hotel which is great! They've also got a kettle for hot water which I've been looking for because my mom packed ramen and I was really craving them. The food here is really expensive if you don't know where to look. I love the cafes here. They're so cute! We've been having buffet breakfasts everyday and a buffet dinner every other day. So the days we don't have dinner and lunch paid for, we had to go look.
In Spain, we took the metro a lot. I'm a pro at it now. haha. Although it requires a lot of walking, I really like it. It's convenient. You don't need to worry about where you can park your car and it's pretty cheap. 1 euro for a ticket. The only problem is you can get mugged. If you don't watch your pockets and bags like Vinh and this other girl who's on the tour, they can mug you pretty easily. I haven't gotten mugged and I won't. I have my hand on my bag at all times. I'm a bit afraid of Italy though.
Anyway, it's about 2 in the morning here in France. I'm going to bath in the sun tomorrow. The water is so blue. It's beautiful.
I miss you all and I can't wait to come home. Don't be afraid to holler at me when you can. I'd love to have some home lovin'. Being homesick sucks when you're trying to have a vacation...but I guess that means I just really love home. =]
Monday, June 22, 2009
Why do I feel like I'm being condemned just because I'm fighting for my happiness? Why is it anyone's business? Do I have to tell the world? Is it okay to tell the world? It's like I'm always stuck between making others happy or making myself happy. I can't just be happy and make others happy can I....if that's possible then I'm a complete failure at it. I'm sorry for what my heart tells me to do but I have to follow it.
I am really sorry.
I am really sorry.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Chapter 22
I'm finally a college graduate. It is actually pretty surreal. Even after the walking, the pictures, the congratulations...I still feel like this weekend was a dream. I can't believe that 4 years have passed and I'm now done with college. It's scary thinking about grad school and what I will be doing this year. I know that wherever God decides to take me, I'm going to make the best of it and enjoy every moment.
I've met great people and developed many powerful friendships. But the reality of life is that not everything will go your way. I've gained many friends but I've also lost some. Some I've lost fully and some I feel like I'm losing. I'm thankful, though, for this chance to be put in this situation. It's only through losing people that you realize how much they really mean to you and how much you meant to them. I have no intention of holding on to friendships that are harmful to my growth and the other person's.
There are friendships that I wish were stronger or didn't get weak. Some things are out of my control and I wish I could make everything right. I feel so hurt when I see that a friend is hurt because of me...mainly because I can't or don't really know what to do to make it better. I'm sorry that I'm inadequate in that area.
The only thing I can do is put my faith in God and trust that if he wants me to remain connected with certain people, there will always be opportunities for us to reconnect.
This is the next chapter. I can't avoid the downs of life, but I know I can try to write great moments and experiences. I'm ready for this. My pen's in hand...
I've met great people and developed many powerful friendships. But the reality of life is that not everything will go your way. I've gained many friends but I've also lost some. Some I've lost fully and some I feel like I'm losing. I'm thankful, though, for this chance to be put in this situation. It's only through losing people that you realize how much they really mean to you and how much you meant to them. I have no intention of holding on to friendships that are harmful to my growth and the other person's.
There are friendships that I wish were stronger or didn't get weak. Some things are out of my control and I wish I could make everything right. I feel so hurt when I see that a friend is hurt because of me...mainly because I can't or don't really know what to do to make it better. I'm sorry that I'm inadequate in that area.
The only thing I can do is put my faith in God and trust that if he wants me to remain connected with certain people, there will always be opportunities for us to reconnect.
This is the next chapter. I can't avoid the downs of life, but I know I can try to write great moments and experiences. I'm ready for this. My pen's in hand...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Finally
Finally. After so much thought. I finally hit the send button.
I don't regret it because I know I've tried by best.
I've finally let go of my own desires and I'm letting God take over.
Who said broken hearts couldn't find consolation?
I'm ready.
I don't regret it because I know I've tried by best.
I've finally let go of my own desires and I'm letting God take over.
Who said broken hearts couldn't find consolation?
I'm ready.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
(=|)
You used to care if you disappointed me, and you used to make an effort to reassure me that you were sorry and to wish me good luck.
You came home this weekend,
that day was so tough.
I sang you a song.
But that wasn't enough.
It's hard not to believe,
that I've been abandoned.
That I'm no longer needed,
That I've been forgotten.
I have no regrets.
I carry good thoughts.
I'm proud of myself,
For how hard I've fought.
I know you don't need me,
but do keep in mind,
That whenever you're weary,
You know who to find.
God gave me this grace,
To love with my heart.
This love I'll embrace,
Although we're apart.
It's not possible to unlove,
Or just put love away.
But it's possible to love,
just in another way.
I'm not much of a poet,
I can't really rhyme.
But this is how I show it,
This awesome Love of mine.
You came home this weekend,
that day was so tough.
I sang you a song.
But that wasn't enough.
It's hard not to believe,
that I've been abandoned.
That I'm no longer needed,
That I've been forgotten.
I have no regrets.
I carry good thoughts.
I'm proud of myself,
For how hard I've fought.
I know you don't need me,
but do keep in mind,
That whenever you're weary,
You know who to find.
God gave me this grace,
To love with my heart.
This love I'll embrace,
Although we're apart.
It's not possible to unlove,
Or just put love away.
But it's possible to love,
just in another way.
I'm not much of a poet,
I can't really rhyme.
But this is how I show it,
This awesome Love of mine.
Friday, May 1, 2009
So sad...
I wasn't chosen to sing the National Anthem....
This is another reminder that I'm only average....or maybe even borderline average.
sigh.
This is another reminder that I'm only average....or maybe even borderline average.
sigh.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
What's on my mind?
Why do you doubt me? Why do you doubt us?
What is doubt?
doubt
–verb
1. to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
2. to distrust.
3. to fear; be apprehensive about.
I guess I also had this doubt, but is it still a doubt if I continue to believe that we can be one, and that we can be one with Him?
I had a good conversation with a friend, Thomas Flowers. He's in his second year with the Novitiate. In another 9 years, he will become a Jesuit priest. He offered a lot of insight that I guess had been on my mind but I just needed someone who's actually experiencing the same thing to give me his perspective.
He said," now is a good time for YOU to discern what YOU want to do. Discern whether your choices will be worthwhile for you and will provide you with consolation. Don't discern someone else's future."
I know it's a confusing time, no matter how much you try to hide it. I'm not as strong as you are I guess. I can't hide it as well. I'm pretty confused, but it's during times like these that I feel myself getting closer to Him.
Thank you for saying hello...especially when I was thinking of you. =)
What is doubt?
doubt
–verb
1. to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
2. to distrust.
3. to fear; be apprehensive about.
I guess I also had this doubt, but is it still a doubt if I continue to believe that we can be one, and that we can be one with Him?
I had a good conversation with a friend, Thomas Flowers. He's in his second year with the Novitiate. In another 9 years, he will become a Jesuit priest. He offered a lot of insight that I guess had been on my mind but I just needed someone who's actually experiencing the same thing to give me his perspective.
He said," now is a good time for YOU to discern what YOU want to do. Discern whether your choices will be worthwhile for you and will provide you with consolation. Don't discern someone else's future."
I know it's a confusing time, no matter how much you try to hide it. I'm not as strong as you are I guess. I can't hide it as well. I'm pretty confused, but it's during times like these that I feel myself getting closer to Him.
Thank you for saying hello...especially when I was thinking of you. =)
Strong Enough
I'm not strong enough to live this life without You. I'm not strong enough to endure all this pain. I'm not strong enough to completely trust that things will be better. But You were strong enough to carry that cross for us. You were strong enough to endure the pain of nails piercing through your hands and feet all because of Your love for us. You are strong enough.
Teach me to be strong like You. I'm so weak and I feel myself fighting this weakness everyday. Help me to lay it all down. I want to lay it all down. I want to rest in You. My heart is restless Lord. It continues to ask "why?" I want to believe that this is only temporary and that my patience will be rewarded, but Lord, my humanness gets in the way sometimes.
When will I be made whole again?
Teach me to be strong like You. I'm so weak and I feel myself fighting this weakness everyday. Help me to lay it all down. I want to lay it all down. I want to rest in You. My heart is restless Lord. It continues to ask "why?" I want to believe that this is only temporary and that my patience will be rewarded, but Lord, my humanness gets in the way sometimes.
When will I be made whole again?
Friday, April 24, 2009
Could It Be
Today I got a flyer in the mail that said this:
"Once upon a time there was a person who swore they would love you forever. Their love moved on but your love stayed in the same place. Consider the opportunity to love the greatest of all blessings, even when love doesn't go your way. The love you give is the love you get and it is all good no matter where love takes you. Let the ability to love another belong to you forever and ever because real love stories never end. When the call comes you know. You see all people and all living things as beacons of light and they see you as the same. Together you love and together you transform. It is a divine journey to the highest and the best parts of who you are and why you are here. Your age becomes your ally. With each day and each act of love you become more beautiful than the day before. You have unconditionally arrived realizing the love you sought was the love you already owned."
This is the most inspiring and thought-provoking message I've ever gotten from a cosmetics ad for Philosophy products. Could it be that this is one of God's message to me. A message of reassurance perhaps? I don't really know. All I know is this is what I'll keep reminding myself:"Let the ability to love another belong to you..."
"Once upon a time there was a person who swore they would love you forever. Their love moved on but your love stayed in the same place. Consider the opportunity to love the greatest of all blessings, even when love doesn't go your way. The love you give is the love you get and it is all good no matter where love takes you. Let the ability to love another belong to you forever and ever because real love stories never end. When the call comes you know. You see all people and all living things as beacons of light and they see you as the same. Together you love and together you transform. It is a divine journey to the highest and the best parts of who you are and why you are here. Your age becomes your ally. With each day and each act of love you become more beautiful than the day before. You have unconditionally arrived realizing the love you sought was the love you already owned."
This is the most inspiring and thought-provoking message I've ever gotten from a cosmetics ad for Philosophy products. Could it be that this is one of God's message to me. A message of reassurance perhaps? I don't really know. All I know is this is what I'll keep reminding myself:"Let the ability to love another belong to you..."
Blessed but unloved
My heart is still searching for a sign that You love me. I feel so blessed to have great friends, a loving family, and great opportunities and I thank You everyday. But why don't I feel loved by You? Would I be in so much pain? Would I have to work so hard to turn a frown into a smile? If You loved me, why would I be going through this?
There are times when I would get this feeling of reassurance that this is a test of humility and of my unconditional love for You. The question I continue to ask myself everyday is: Should I continue to love You even though I don't feel Your love? My heart longs for You. I wish there was something that You could do to reassure me that You haven't abandoned me. I've felt so abandoned and my lonely heart continues to seek for Your love.
After much thought, I was able to face my pride and chose to walk through the road of humility just to let you know that I love you. My wish has always been to be the one to make you happy. It's through little acts of love for you that I was able to find happiness.
I continue to fight this struggle. The struggle of who's love I should really be searching for. Although I don't feel love from neither end, the love I should really be searching for alone is the love of God. Although I don't feel it, I know that I am loved by Him. My heart beats because of Him. Now, it needs to beat FOR Him.
There are times when I would get this feeling of reassurance that this is a test of humility and of my unconditional love for You. The question I continue to ask myself everyday is: Should I continue to love You even though I don't feel Your love? My heart longs for You. I wish there was something that You could do to reassure me that You haven't abandoned me. I've felt so abandoned and my lonely heart continues to seek for Your love.
After much thought, I was able to face my pride and chose to walk through the road of humility just to let you know that I love you. My wish has always been to be the one to make you happy. It's through little acts of love for you that I was able to find happiness.
I continue to fight this struggle. The struggle of who's love I should really be searching for. Although I don't feel love from neither end, the love I should really be searching for alone is the love of God. Although I don't feel it, I know that I am loved by Him. My heart beats because of Him. Now, it needs to beat FOR Him.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Gravity
Something always brings me back to you...
like the smell of Old Spice that lingered as I passed by some random drama guy...
or listening to Come Away With Me by Norah Jones.
This heart still tries to smile through the cuts and bruises. Only one thing remains that leaves me feeling some kind of consolation. That is...the image of your smile and praying that your smiles reflect pure happiness.
This is God's message to me today.
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
like the smell of Old Spice that lingered as I passed by some random drama guy...
or listening to Come Away With Me by Norah Jones.
This heart still tries to smile through the cuts and bruises. Only one thing remains that leaves me feeling some kind of consolation. That is...the image of your smile and praying that your smiles reflect pure happiness.
This is God's message to me today.
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Monday, April 20, 2009
Another Day
Last night a I had really good chat with a friend. We never really talked much before but it was really weird how we got into a bit of a deep conversation on facebook. Yea...facebook right?...Anyway, it made me very proud of myself for saying certain things and meaning it. It was as if I had realized that the love that I had was completely unconditional. I didn't really think I could love unconditionally because I'm always wishing for reciprocity. That's loving on the condition that you're loved in return. Last night was very much needed and I don't think it was a coincidence that Quang and I talked.
Yesterday's homily was pretty awesome. Mr. Flowers was talking to me, I'm sure of it. haha. He was talking about how we all need to see things to really believe in it. We need to see the loving things that people do for us to really believe that they love us. We really need to see something happen in order to believe that it happened. But God said, "blessed are those who do not see, but believe." That's faith.
Yesterday's homily was pretty awesome. Mr. Flowers was talking to me, I'm sure of it. haha. He was talking about how we all need to see things to really believe in it. We need to see the loving things that people do for us to really believe that they love us. We really need to see something happen in order to believe that it happened. But God said, "blessed are those who do not see, but believe." That's faith.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Space
Although there is this space in between us, my heart is always with you. Hoping that you will lead a great retreat. Praying that God will work through you to send His message of Love to all your retreatants. Praying that you will have a restful weekend retreat to meditate, relax and with be God.
Peace and Love.
Peace and Love.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Look what I found in my email
So, I was checking my email and this is what I got.
You know, sometimes I wonder what people mean when they say they've heard God speak to them. I always wonder, do they really hear a voice? Cuz I mean, that's a symptom of schizophrenia. But, I guess I can say God spoke to me. Not literally, but through this email that I received this morning. This message is so powerful. I'm thinking of putting it on a bigger piece of paper and hang it on my door. It's a good reminder and I totally need it right now.
Thank you Chi Minh Kieu for sending that email!
You know, sometimes I wonder what people mean when they say they've heard God speak to them. I always wonder, do they really hear a voice? Cuz I mean, that's a symptom of schizophrenia. But, I guess I can say God spoke to me. Not literally, but through this email that I received this morning. This message is so powerful. I'm thinking of putting it on a bigger piece of paper and hang it on my door. It's a good reminder and I totally need it right now.
Thank you Chi Minh Kieu for sending that email!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Heaven sent
I didn't think I would blog again today but this totally deserves a blog. It'll be short. Promise.
So, I was checking facebook because I like checking to see if I got any new fun notifications or messages. So I got this message in my inbox. It was from a Hat Cai member. This person had recorded a song for me. I'm truly grateful. It made me realize that I have many things to be happy about. I have friends who care enough to record a little song for me to make me smile. I have friends who text me to warn me of flying branches because of the wind today. I have friends who go to Roscoe's with me even though they weren't hungry. I have friends who make jokes about "packers" to make me laugh...really hard.
Although You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name.
Thank You for the gifts you've showered me with Lord. May I never forget your Love for me.
So, I was checking facebook because I like checking to see if I got any new fun notifications or messages. So I got this message in my inbox. It was from a Hat Cai member. This person had recorded a song for me. I'm truly grateful. It made me realize that I have many things to be happy about. I have friends who care enough to record a little song for me to make me smile. I have friends who text me to warn me of flying branches because of the wind today. I have friends who go to Roscoe's with me even though they weren't hungry. I have friends who make jokes about "packers" to make me laugh...really hard.
Although You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name.
Thank You for the gifts you've showered me with Lord. May I never forget your Love for me.
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
Although, it's a bit windy and cold, I'm glad it's nice and bright outside. I woke up at 10. Mmmmm...sleep. That was good. So, after I did my morning routine, I started working on my sound collage. I really liked it. I mean, what's more fun than making music for an assignment?! =] If I spent more time on it, I think it would've been a better collage but I think it's ok for the first one.
Anyway, as I was driving to class, I was thinking about you. I thought about the things that made me sad, then I looked out my window and the sky was so blue and the clouds were nice and fluffy. There is so much that we fail to notice when we're so absorbed in our thoughts. We fail to see the beauty of God's creation, whether it be in nature, or in the people driving by us.
Yes. I do a lot of thinking and yes, it's very obvious most of the time. But after a lot of thinking and praying I should add, I've come to acknowledge my vulnerability and my desires and how it relates to God's desires for me. I've given a lot of my attention to God but I don't think I've laid all my love on Him and that's probably why I've been so distraught. I've been paying way too much attention to you and me that I forgot about Him and me. You're right, "my heart will not rest, until it rests in You."
My last thought before I left my house was...if I have faith in God, then I must have faith in HIs plans for me.
Not fighting this is the biggest fight I'm willing to have for us.
Anyway, as I was driving to class, I was thinking about you. I thought about the things that made me sad, then I looked out my window and the sky was so blue and the clouds were nice and fluffy. There is so much that we fail to notice when we're so absorbed in our thoughts. We fail to see the beauty of God's creation, whether it be in nature, or in the people driving by us.
Yes. I do a lot of thinking and yes, it's very obvious most of the time. But after a lot of thinking and praying I should add, I've come to acknowledge my vulnerability and my desires and how it relates to God's desires for me. I've given a lot of my attention to God but I don't think I've laid all my love on Him and that's probably why I've been so distraught. I've been paying way too much attention to you and me that I forgot about Him and me. You're right, "my heart will not rest, until it rests in You."
My last thought before I left my house was...if I have faith in God, then I must have faith in HIs plans for me.
Not fighting this is the biggest fight I'm willing to have for us.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sleepless At UCI
So, I had a pretty tough day yesterday and when I came home, I was super tired. I was taking a shower with my eyes closed. That's how tired I was. I met up with someone and we had a pretty intense conversation. That's probably why I was so tired because I was thinking so much yesterday. Who knew thinking a lot would make you extremely exhausted?...Anyway, I guess the thinking and the pain that I'm still feeling at this point just sort of blended into a bad headache.
So today, after work, I just fell asleep in the work van. It was pretty nice actually. I'm not a bad worker or anything. My job is flexible and I basically just set up equipment or pick up. So, once I'm done, I can just go do whatever I want. So, I chose to sleep. It was pretty nice except I don't think I was really sleeping because car alarms kept going off and they wouldn't shut off. I tried sleeping through it anyway, and I guess it sort of worked because I heard myself snoring a bit. HAHA. I woke up when that happened. I always deny it when people say that I snore in my sleep. I call it loud breathing. LOL.
Oh maybe I should mention that I'm in class right now. It's this intro to music class. I sometimes feel like it's useless for me to come to class because I've lived with music all my life. I sing and play instruments. So, when he was lecturing about harmonies and melodies, I was like....uhh....ok, I'm not learning anything new today. boo. Right now we're listening to different songs and breaking the song down and listening to all the different sounds used in that song. I do like the assignments though. My first assignment is to make a sound collage. So, basically I get to make my own 2 minutes of music. Fun!
Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to think...or at least not to think about what happened yesterday and what I was thinking about yesterday. I know I should let go, and even til the end I was fighting. I know I shouldn't be fighting it but I couldn't help it. It'll take time but I'm trying. It's a bit odd that I was fighting so hard because when I really think about the possibilities, I'm not sure if I would really be able to do it. But, for me to even be fighting it....well that's something for me to think about....but not today. Today, I'm not thinking about sad things. Today, I'm thinking about good things like how I got a good nap in, how I'm gonna get to see Liwanag later tonight, how I'm gonna get to go home and hug my mom, and how God continues to provide me with strength when I feel like I can't make it.
Peace!
(This was an entry that I posted for Livejournal. Not that I wanted to create another online journal but it's for an experiment. =\)
So today, after work, I just fell asleep in the work van. It was pretty nice actually. I'm not a bad worker or anything. My job is flexible and I basically just set up equipment or pick up. So, once I'm done, I can just go do whatever I want. So, I chose to sleep. It was pretty nice except I don't think I was really sleeping because car alarms kept going off and they wouldn't shut off. I tried sleeping through it anyway, and I guess it sort of worked because I heard myself snoring a bit. HAHA. I woke up when that happened. I always deny it when people say that I snore in my sleep. I call it loud breathing. LOL.
Oh maybe I should mention that I'm in class right now. It's this intro to music class. I sometimes feel like it's useless for me to come to class because I've lived with music all my life. I sing and play instruments. So, when he was lecturing about harmonies and melodies, I was like....uhh....ok, I'm not learning anything new today. boo. Right now we're listening to different songs and breaking the song down and listening to all the different sounds used in that song. I do like the assignments though. My first assignment is to make a sound collage. So, basically I get to make my own 2 minutes of music. Fun!
Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to think...or at least not to think about what happened yesterday and what I was thinking about yesterday. I know I should let go, and even til the end I was fighting. I know I shouldn't be fighting it but I couldn't help it. It'll take time but I'm trying. It's a bit odd that I was fighting so hard because when I really think about the possibilities, I'm not sure if I would really be able to do it. But, for me to even be fighting it....well that's something for me to think about....but not today. Today, I'm not thinking about sad things. Today, I'm thinking about good things like how I got a good nap in, how I'm gonna get to see Liwanag later tonight, how I'm gonna get to go home and hug my mom, and how God continues to provide me with strength when I feel like I can't make it.
Peace!
(This was an entry that I posted for Livejournal. Not that I wanted to create another online journal but it's for an experiment. =\)
Monday, April 13, 2009
Love...
...those who have faith in you sometimes go astray.
I waited and I still had faith in you. It's now 12:33am and I'm still trying to have faith in you. You asked me to have faith in you.
Maybe I need to realize that I'm only a distraction. I'm no where near your priority list. I surrender.
I wouldn't want to get in the way of something that makes you truly happy. This distraction will leave you alone.
I know what role I want you to play in my life, and what role I want to play in yours, but it's impossible if you don't see the same.
I'll cherish the fond memories and words of endearment from the past and recent. The rest I'll leave up to God.
Oh by the way, happy Easter.
***
My mom is truly my angel. My dad's already one but I hardly ever get to see him. It's such a great feeling to know that I can tell my mom almost anything and cry while I'm telling her, and she'd listen to everything and not reprimand me. My mom is my friend. How many people consider their parents their friends? Anyway, she just confirmed that it's hard and it's going to be hard but prayers will get us through.
I waited and I still had faith in you. It's now 12:33am and I'm still trying to have faith in you. You asked me to have faith in you.
Maybe I need to realize that I'm only a distraction. I'm no where near your priority list. I surrender.
I wouldn't want to get in the way of something that makes you truly happy. This distraction will leave you alone.
I know what role I want you to play in my life, and what role I want to play in yours, but it's impossible if you don't see the same.
I'll cherish the fond memories and words of endearment from the past and recent. The rest I'll leave up to God.
Oh by the way, happy Easter.
***
My mom is truly my angel. My dad's already one but I hardly ever get to see him. It's such a great feeling to know that I can tell my mom almost anything and cry while I'm telling her, and she'd listen to everything and not reprimand me. My mom is my friend. How many people consider their parents their friends? Anyway, she just confirmed that it's hard and it's going to be hard but prayers will get us through.
Friday, April 10, 2009
My Calling
So lately, I've been feeling like maybe my calling is to help others discern their vocations or something. I really don't like the thought of God wanting me to build relationships and then letting them go and lifting them to Him. That's unfair. Yes, I'm complaining. Today was Holy Thursday. We had a big mass at UCI and a procession and meditation afterwards. It was pretty long and there was an ample amount of singing. One of the songs we sang was the Servant Song.
This is my prayer.
What do you want of me, Lord?
Where do you want me to serve you?
Where can I sing your praises ?
I am Your Song.
I'm still blinded by fear and doubt. I can't see what You have planned for me, but I will wait. I trust that You will not abandon me.
This is my prayer.
What do you want of me, Lord?
Where do you want me to serve you?
Where can I sing your praises ?
I am Your Song.
I'm still blinded by fear and doubt. I can't see what You have planned for me, but I will wait. I trust that You will not abandon me.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Confirmation Retreat Day 3
I'll keep it short.
The retreat was amazing. These kids are amazing. The mountains were amazing. God is amazing.
These are my awesome co-leaders and friends!
There's no way that this could ever exist without the existence of God.
These are my wonderful kids!
The retreat was amazing. These kids are amazing. The mountains were amazing. God is amazing.
These are my awesome co-leaders and friends!
There's no way that this could ever exist without the existence of God.
These are my wonderful kids!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Phantom of the Opera
Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .
Sleepless
I was so tired today; tired to the point where I felt sick but why am I awake right now?
I'm longing for something that I have no control over. That's what's keeping me awake.
k. I'll sleep. Maybe in my dreams I'll get what I'm longing for.
Peace.
I'm longing for something that I have no control over. That's what's keeping me awake.
k. I'll sleep. Maybe in my dreams I'll get what I'm longing for.
Peace.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Abandoned
Ok, I was trying to avoid this as much as I could but I guess I should just share some of my feelings instead of having it boggle up in my mind. I've been feeling a bit abandoned. I know it's tough and there's not always enough time to say hello, but I can't help but feel like I've been left behind. I'm probably going to struggle with this for a long while but it's better to come to terms with it and be honest with how I truly feel. I'm still searching for meaning and praying for the grace to understand. I just wish that I always felt loved by You and you.
Confirmation Retreat Day 2
So, day two was pretty overwhelming. So many things were planned for the kids. The leaders were super tired and were awakened by the noisy chatters of retreatants who had waken up at 6 in the morning! They stayed up late and woke up super early! These kids have way too much energy! So, the leaders planned a little revenge, I guess you could say. I was very hesitant about what they wanted to put the kids through. We planned a game called The Egg Game for the kids first. Basically, each group was given an egg which represented their spirituality. They were to protect their egg at all times. So we had a couple of different stations where each team's egg was put in danger and they either had to take risks or be safe. If their egg cracked we gave them a plastic egg and they had to scoop up the egg into the plastic one. It was so awesome to see the kids really caring about their egg. When their eggs broke, they all got down to scoop it up...and every last bit of it. There was one thing that one of the kids said that really touched me. At one station, the leaders were pretending to throw a rock at each team's egg. Of course we weren't going to throw it for real. But,with the group that I was going to pretend to throw the rock at, I said are you sure you want to protect your egg like that, you might get hurt. One of the girls from that group, Julie, said " I don't care. I'll get hurt." These kids, although rowdy at times, are really great kids.
We went to mass after that and had reconciliation. Before reconciliation, there was a relay race for the kids. They had to do sooo many difficult things; eat a quarter of a fresh onion, eat clean a quarter of a lime without hands, do jumping jacks and push ups, lick clean peanut butter from a bowl without hands, and drink a really gross concoction E-team made. This was supposed to teach them about humility. It was amazing to see some of the kids working for their group, team work, and encouragement from everyone. It was great.
We also had a trust walk. I learned so much from that and I could only hope that the kids I led got something out of it. When I went outside, I noticed the beautiful city lights twinkling from afar.
If only I had a better camera....
But anyway, I think I skipped around a lot and probably missed a lot of details about day 2, but I really don't want to make this blog super super long so
to be continued....
(I'm also in class....shhhh..don't tell)
We went to mass after that and had reconciliation. Before reconciliation, there was a relay race for the kids. They had to do sooo many difficult things; eat a quarter of a fresh onion, eat clean a quarter of a lime without hands, do jumping jacks and push ups, lick clean peanut butter from a bowl without hands, and drink a really gross concoction E-team made. This was supposed to teach them about humility. It was amazing to see some of the kids working for their group, team work, and encouragement from everyone. It was great.
We also had a trust walk. I learned so much from that and I could only hope that the kids I led got something out of it. When I went outside, I noticed the beautiful city lights twinkling from afar.
If only I had a better camera....
But anyway, I think I skipped around a lot and probably missed a lot of details about day 2, but I really don't want to make this blog super super long so
to be continued....
(I'm also in class....shhhh..don't tell)
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Unexpected Reminder
So, I was walking across the Humanities bridge to my class and this person handed me this flyer. I just thought I'd share it with you. =]
Just click on it and you'll be able to see a zoomed in version of it.
Let me know if you can't read it and I'll write it out.
Just click on it and you'll be able to see a zoomed in version of it.
Let me know if you can't read it and I'll write it out.
Confirmation Retreat Day 1
We arrived at St. Anne's in the Mountains at around 10:30am I believe. I was a bit anxious because I had never led a group in a retreat before. My heart was pounding when I stepped inside to meet all the retreatants because I wasn't sure if they would like me or not. I joked around with the other leaders saying "I'm scared they're gonna pick on me 'cause I'm little." hehe.
Anyway, my fear went away pretty fast when I was able to interact with all of them. We had an icebreaker where we played the shooting game. Basically, when I pointed to someone, they had to duck and the people standing on both sides of that person has to shoot each other by imitating a shooting position and saying "bang." If the person in the middle was too slow and got shot, he/she had to introduce name and one fun fact; same went for the person who was slower in saying "bang." Now, I was beginning to feel comfortable.
We had a couple of activities for the kids to interact with each other and get to know one another and the leaders. We then had lunch, which was delicious! I regret not seizing the opportunity to take a picture of it, but it was pretty darn good AND spicy, just the way I like it!
Anyway, somewhere in the program, there was praise and worship. EEKK! I was pretty doubtful of my capabilities at this point, but I just went with it anyway. I taught them an action song called " We Wanna See Jesus Lifted High." It was pretty hard playing guitar, singing, and trying to do some of the actions with them, but I did it, with lots of mistakes, but I did it. =] Another song I taught them was "Light The Fire In My Heart Again." This one was full of mistakes on my guitar, but it was pretty fun. The kids had such a tough time singing the split part where the guys sang melody, and the girls sang the descant/harmony. I think they had a lot of fun with that song. I think after that, I got pretty comfortable with the idea of messing up...a lot.
I think my biggest fear though, was leading the small group discussions. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to help them to open up and share, and I was afraid they wouldn't get anything out of the small group sharings. The first small group sharing that we had, well actually almost all the small group sharings that we had, I was the one to share first. I can tell it was tough for some of my kids to open up but in the end, they all shared something, even if it was in two sentences. I was amazed at some of the sharings because it was very personal. I'm so thankful that they were able to trust me and each other enough to share. God definitely had something to do with that.
Anyway, my bad memory is kickin' in right now. I don't remember exactly what else we did because I don't have my planner with me but, overall, the first day was awesome. Most of the leaders decided to sleep in the main room where the fireplace was. E-team (environmental team I think, they help us with all the preparations when we're in meetings) and Mike (oh, Mike is the confirmation teacher) slept in the cabins with the kids. It was such a humbling experience for me because I forgot my sleeping bag at home, so Alex used his sleeping bag as the mat and Jimmy offered his sleeping bag so we used it as a blanket and just shared it. The fireplace was a plus until all the wood burned out. Big thanks to Jimmy for offering his sleeping bag and slept through the cold.
Okay, I'm sure this blog is long enough, so I'll stop it here. Have a good night everyone. =] Wait, actually I should say peace and God bless because some of you may not be reading this at night. Durrhh Tracy... x_X
Confirmation Retreat to be continued...
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