Why?

Why don't good things happen to good people? I overheard my mom talking on the phone about my aunt; the one whose first child was born outside of her womb so he didn't make it and now is carrying a baby. She was really happy and so were we. It was so awesome to feel the baby kicking. Just the thought of person carrying another life inside is just amazing. My mom was saying that there were some complications with the baby and he's missing xyz. I couldn't hear exactly what my mom was saying but it didn't sound good. My aunt prays everyday and she's so involved in her church. She sings in the choir, she goes to retreats, she helps out..she does a lot. Her husband isn't Catholic so he's not involved as much..he's gotten better though. But my aunt was scared that because there are complications with the baby, her husband won't let her go to church and pray and stuff anymore. Poor auntie.

So something was wrong with the water system in the bathrooms at my house. We had a flood in one of the bathrooms a few days ago. My uncles came over and spent like 6 hours trying to fix it. They finally did...for a couple days. It's acting up again. I took a shower in the bathroom in the dining room, and the water started rising in the tub in the other bathroom. I went to do my business and flushed..but it wouldn't go down. sigh.

You know what that means...usually it's more money more problems...well in this case...it's more problems more money. It's gonna cost to having the plumbers come and fix it. =\

What a good way to start the new year...with plumbers in your house.

"I didn't know I didn't want it...til I didn't want it." Funny that sometimes it's true. I guess that's why some people take risks and say they don't regret anything they've done.

Another episode of Grey's Anatomy. I should probably warn you that my blogs are probably gonna make lots of references to this show....just so you know.

That's all.

Good night.

Merry Christmas.

Lose all troubles because after all, it's Christmas time...

right?

wrong. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for all that I've received and more but it just doesn't feel the same this year. I put on a smile and let out a few laughs I guess because it's Christmas time and nobody wants to see people frowning. The best gift I got this season is seeing my family opening gifts and laughing. My mom was laughing. That was the best gift she gave me and she didn't even know it.

Christmas will never be the same...actually just all holidays in general. But, I'm learning to adapt.

If there's one thing I realized today, it's the fact that no matter how much you want a person to be a certain way, sometimes they don't ...ooh wow I just fell asleep..

wow...so I felt asleep in a really weird position and now my neck hurts...

to be continued....

"Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you love someone...they just won't love you back the same way."

Great..now I'm quoting Grey's Anatomy.

Good night world.

Why do people do things they don't want to do?



If love were enough...

...and I've been waiting, for you to come.
It's hard 'cause I feel so alone,
And I just want you to come home...

ulcers

You know, if this keeps happening, I might have an ulcer and not even know it. I cannot be stressed out like this...I really hate being stressed out and it really doesn't do any good for my barely healthy body. urgh. I want to not have to stress out because really, God handles it all, but why is it so hard to stay cool sometimes? Everyone is depending on you. Oh great, my mom just gave me a shit load of clean laundry and put it on my bed....should I sleep or should I just stay up til it's time for work at 7am? I cannot miss work...no one has my back this time. F.

So I went to confession today. I thought it would make me feel better but it just left me empty, and feeling the same way I felt before it. Honestly, I think I'm my own worst enemy. Now that I feel like total shit.. (excuse my French)...what next?

There's so much I can do to make me stop feeling this...too bad that's not the way life works. Well, at least not the way I want it to work. That's why some people hold on hoping that there will be better days.

Will there be better days? I dunno...but I'm a curious one so we'll see what happens.

Call this trust...faith...

whatever.

have a...silent night.

Waking Up Just Wanting To Go Back...

So, I spent the whole day cleaning...just cleaning everything that was bugging me. Everything was bugging me practically. I cleaned the interior of my car only because it might rain tomorrow and that would defeat the purpose of washing my car. Anyway, I'm having the meanest headache because even though I wanted to clean to take my mind off things, I forgot that cleaning actually gives me time to think. The Christmas party was really nice. I loved the decorations, the music, the activities...just everything. Except..for some reason I didn't feel worthy to be there. As soon as I came in, I just felt so out of place. I'm not sure why I felt that way because everyone was welcoming. Bad marbles and nice pretty marbles don't fit together very well and I feel like I was one of the bad, chipped, marbles that was trying to fit in with the nice, shiny, colorful marbles. I'm not just talking about appearance either although everyone looked really nice.

I feel like I'm being condemned...on the surface, it sure doesn't look like it, but there are some things you can just feel coming from certain people. I don't blame them either. I understand why they would, but I wish I could speak up more so they could at least know what's going on inside my head...I don't expect anyone to understand.

Today was just a cold and gloomy day. Maybe that's why I feel a little bit more gloomy than usual.

You know, there are things I wish I didn't cause but it's too late. It's been done and I can't take it back. All I can really do is...wait...wait for things to just be normal again. It's better if I can keep my hands tied, and my mouth shut. I think I've caused enough trouble already.

And...I'm sorry.

Sunshine

The title of this entry really has nothing to do with the entry itself. I just want some sun right now cus it's super cold. Anyway, I have one final...final...and I really wanna get it over with. I'm so tired of studying and I feel like at this point, studying is not gonna do me any good. So, I'm gonna look over it one more time and call it quits.

Cheers to end of finals for me very very very soon!

Study Break

So, I decided that I'm not going to talk about it. Instead I'm going to write it down and it will be done and over it. Today was a long day and still is since I'm still up trying to study for a final that I MUST perfect in order to get a B+ in the class and boost my chances of getting on the Dean's list. Such an ambition, I know. There wasn't really anything to eat today and I was really craving some pizza. I had planned to order some pizza after I picked up my grama from work but when I got home, I noticed that my mom was preparing Pho. Well, I love her cooking but I had pho for 3 straight days...I wouldn't have mind eating it but I really had a gigantic craving for pizza. Anyway, I just ate pho...which was good and I'm grateful, but it wasn't pizza. Then, I continued to study...

Meanwhile, my mom is getting ready to go to this annual classical guitar concert event to fundraise money for the poor in Vietnam, and my dad used to perform there. I didn't want my mom to go alone, but I also wanted to get as much studying done as possible. My grandma was making me really angry because she doesn't want to go anywhere. I hate the fact that she just hides in her room and doesn't want to go anywhere when we ask her. She said that if she went, she would cry and she doesn't want to cry because her eyes get blurry. Well, picture this. My mom going all alone and crying all by herself...not a good image is it. No. So then my mom said, "Be Dai (that's what she calls me in Vietnamese), why don't you take grama and you guys can leave after they talk about your dad." So, I got ready and we left. When we got there, it was like I'm reliving moments that I never even had. I was so angry because I never made it to his concerts to watch his performances...and now I'm here, when I'm supposed to be studying to watch someone else play. I was angry. It pained me to watch my mom and to know that she's in double the pain. During intermission was when I had planned to take my grama home. Well that didn't happen because the little talk about my dad didn't happen until after the intermission. We were called up to sit in the front row. A clip of my dad playing guitar last year was posted as they talked about him. Then my grama and my mom got flowers. What killed me the most was that one of my dad's best friends played and the first two songs he played, were the songs my dad used to play. So, I actually waited til the end...when everyone was gone practically because my mom was still talking to this lady. Three hours of studying time....traded for painful memories and tears that were kept inside for a record time.

I feel like my family thinks I'm some kind of a super genius that can succeed without trying or I have no emotions and that my dad's passing can't possibly have any effect on me. So, I can go to school, get straight A's and be merry. NO! I can't do that! I cry too. I'm in pain too. I really don't know how much longer I can handle this. For real.

By the way...if anyone reads this, please don't ask me if I'm okay when you see me...thanks.

So now I'm going to get back to studying and pretend everything I'm reading about is registering.

Good nite.

I hate you.

Warning! Explicit content!

)#(^$*$%&(^#*)&(*!&$(*^%*@&(#*&$(@#$@#(&%^@$*&%^@#*)!(@#(*!&*&$@^%@$*%&@(#$!@*)_#(!@*#&%(@^$%*@&#%&!)(#$*!)@_$*!@)(&*%(!$&*^%!#*)$(&!@$_!@$(*)!#%&($@&%!#^*$&(!$(!@$)!*#(&%^!$*!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There...let me spare you the profanity and horribleness of what I just wrote.

I have a final today and my mind is really not there.

I'm being treated so indifferently. I guess that's fine. If that's gonna help you, I'll deal with it.


ARGHHGHGHARGHARHAHGHRHGHHHH!

I'm sorry Lakers lost. You must be bummed. Meo biet My Xao chac la dang gian meo, nhung ma meo hope rang My se bo qua...tha lam ban con hon nguoi dan right? I dunno.

Have a good night. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow neu My muon ngoi gan meo.

I'm not playing with your feelings.

So since I just have a bunch of random thoughts in no particular order right now, I'm just gonna put them all down...in no particular order.

It's my dad's birthday today.

I just finished putting more ornaments on the tree and finished the centerpieces. It looks nice to me, but I won't know otherwise if no one tells me anything. I'll wait...and I'll hope...and if no one says anything...at least I still have that cool feeling that I made my house look more Christmas-y.

I had a long night...really long and uncalled for. I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow to go visit my dad before I go to work.

I have a final on Wednesday...sigh.

I am failing at studying for the GRE...miserably. I can't seem to solve any of the problems. I got stuck with every problem I did, except for maybe 2.

Two broken individuals cannot mend each others' brokenness. Or it's just really really really hard and I don't think I am capable of doing that.

I'm sorry I don't express it enough, but I am grateful...and appreciative of all of it.

unconditional love.

I miss you.

He's there in my dreams...and I don't know the rest of the lyrics.

OMG it's 2:06am in the morning!

I can't sleep cus my hair is still wet from shower and it's too late to blow dry.

Misunderstood...yea...what can I do about it...

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...aka Sein-Leventhal Syndrome...

I wanna sleep...I really do....

Do you understand? or are you too angry to?

This is the song I was thinking about when we were talking...



sigh...I'm gonna sleep with wet hair...fun fun.

When your prayers don't seem to be heard or answered...do you just stop?

heh. I'm gonna pray.

Good night.

Thanksgiving Weekend

It took me a while to recall what I did on Thursday. My memory is getting worse everyday. This is the first Thanksgiving weekend without my dad. I feel like I'm sort of taking over my mom's role. She used to buy the Christmas gifts, cards, etc. Now, I'm the one worrying about Christmas and how it's gonna be this year. I woke up at 4:30am to go Christmas shopping. I've never done that before! I've been having little "arguments" with my mom about not being in the spirit. Thanksgiving night, I came home from visiting Joy's mom and there was one light on in my house. My mom was working and my grandma was in her room. My brother wasn't home at all. I wanted to buy chicken, mash potatoes, and corn for our Thanksgiving dinner, but I ended up eating leftover food from the birthday "party" we went to earlier that day. I guess that's okay but I hate being the only one that tries. I felt so hurt when my mom said that she doesn't want to bother anyone and if we can be home, that's great, if not that's fine. I dunno, it doesn't seem like she sees that I'm trying. I've got so much going on at one time that I'm just so close to giving up. There's about 20 days left before Christmas mass, and we haven't started practice. Not many people confirmed about singing, so I don't even know who's gonna sing. I have my GRE test coming in around the same time, and I'm definitely not ready. Does my mom know this? Probably not.

I went to the doctor's today to get my results for the blood test that I took a few weeks ago. Fortunately, results were okay...however, I had to get another blood test today to check for umm...it doesn't matter..the point is, I hate getting blood tests, and the freaking testing equipment was bad or something today, because it took forever to take my blood out. The nurse said that it's been happening to everyone today.

Anyway, I wanted to put up the tree and the lights outside...but my mom said, why put up lights? It's just gonna increase electricity bill...sigh. Ask me why I still have the energy? I have no idea. I'm really tired.

Who would've thought that after 4 years...you tell me to look out the window and I'd find another goodie bag when I'm sick? It truly was a surprise.

In light of Thanksgiving, I'd like to just take a lil time to express my gratitude. I'm so thankful for my family, even more so then before because even though we are one person short of a whole family, we are a strong unit. I love my family and I couldn't ask for anything more.

I'm grateful and thankful for all my friends...the ones I see everyday and the ones I don't see a lot; the ones I talk to everyday and the ones I hardly talk to because it's not about how many times you talk but rather the quality of your conversations. Thank you for taking care of me, especially during when I'm sick like right now.

Thank you for offering your hands to help me when I'm weak. Thank you for bringing me food/soup to nourish my body so that I can get well soon. Thank you for just being with me and sleeping by me even when I'm sick. Thank you for surprising me with yet another goodie bag full of sentiments and not to mention..really good chicken noodle soup. =]

I'm thankful for the air that I breathe and the ground that I walk upon; for the trees and its autumn leaves; for the ocean and fresh water I'm blessed to have; for the sun, the moon, and the stars. I'm thankful for this moment to be able to write all this down. I'm thankful for life and love. I'm thankful for all the things God has created and blessed me with. I'm thankful for Him.

No words can describe how truly grateful I am.

Happy Thanksgiving! Moments spent with family and friends in the warm atmosphere of your home...greatest feeling. =)

Ok. I know I'm on the borderline of getting sick, but I really couldn't sleep so I decided to watch Grey's Anatomy. I was never into the show to begin with, but I've been bugged to watch it ( =P) so I just gave it a shot. Alright, so it's a good show and I'm hooked. Just in case you're reading this, don't say I told you so... Grey's Anatomy does have a lot of awesome life messages...I had a couple of light bulbs turn on while watching all the recent episodes. The only thing I don't like about the show is the fact that they show way too many surgeries...it really is unnecessary. Anyway, I gotta get some sleep. What sucks about time is that, it won't wait for you.

Good night.

Can't Sleep

I had a lil convo with my brother today about boys. Hah. Funny huh? Well, it started with him telling me to leave the week after Christmas open because they're going camping. Somehow the conversation turned into one about boys. There were some things my brother said that sort of reaffirmed how I feel about things. My family's opinion is super important to me and they do somewhat influence my decisions. sigh.

I'm getting sick. I can feel it in my throat. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost my voice tomorrow, but that's not a good thing because I have to sing for mass tomorrow. hmm..I hope people will show up to sing.

ok, good night!

Stress Schmess

So, I had a pretty stressful week. First I had a rude awakening. I Imed my "best friend from 1st grade" to wish her a happy birthday because I didn't have her number. I mean, I would have her number if she didn't change it every month. Ok, I'm exaggerating. Not every month...every 2 months. I was totally caught off guard when she said she didn't care to talk to me anymore because we don't talk in the first place. Oh by the way, this is the short version of the story. I'm only going to include the most ridiculous things she said just to save some trouble. So anyway, I skipped practice and studying for my midterm to come over to her house. In the morning, I went to buy her a present and missed class. I come over and took her to a tea place. When we were walking to the place, I asked her what was the deal with last night. She said that I was annoying her and she didn't wanna talk to me. I should've snapped at that moment, but I didn't. We went into the place and ordered. We talked for less than an hour and she said that it was getting late and that we should leave. I'm thinking...so who's the one that doesn't wanna talk?....but anyway, I didn't say anything. So, I look her home and gave her the gift. I got her a silver platinum necklace with a heart pendant that's half filled with diamonds. When she opened it, she looked at me and said, " oh, I'm allergic to fake jewelry." Wtf? I was soo blown away by the ridiculousness of her comment. It's like, what has this superficial, snooty, lil person done with my friend?! ugh. Then she had the nerve to say, " I'll make good use of it. I'm jealous of my mom and sister, cus they can wear fake stuff but I can't." I should've punched her in the face. Yea, that's not all of it and I don't feel like saying anymore. I think I've made my point.

Anyway, so I had a midterm on Friday morning, and I am not so confident about the results. I guess I'll just have to wait and find out. I blame it all on my so-called friend. blegh. In the afternoon, I had somewhat of an argument that sorta turned into a discussion with someone. I don't really know why I've been so annoyed, but I've explained it and I hope YOU understand. Stress can make me bitchy and easily annoyed. I'm sorry.

At night, we had benefit concert. Even though I was really tired, I really enjoyed it. I messed up a lot though, but it's ok. You can't improve if you don't mess up? HAHA...Not that I want to mess up, but I was sorta nervous last night. I didn't feel like I had enough practice and we should've practiced once before. =\ Anyway, I wasn't going to go to Norms cus after cleaning up and everything, my legs were starting to fail on me. But when I got on the 73, I changed my mind. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, so I wanted to come be in the company of my brothers and sisters.

I got home and freshened up. I checked my midterm grade for Cultural Psych, and I got an 84. =\ Wait....I should be happy. That is wayyyyyy better than my first midterm. ahha.

So, now that benecon is over, I have to start organizing practices for Xmas mass cus I'm directing the choir apparently. I have less than a month to do that, finish my grad apps which includes getting letter of recs, transcript requests, personal statement, pull up my GPA, commencement ceremony which includes ordering my gap and gown, meeting the deadlines for that, take grad pictures with my friends, and study for my GRE test on Dec. 20th. AHH! I'm crazy. All of this must be done within the month of December.


Ready....set....GO!!!!

Self Evaluation

So, I must say that I was disappointed in how our meeting went. I'm the kind of person that wants things to be very good and I put a lot of effort into what I do down to the little details so that others can enjoy a good meeting. I really don't like the fact that we did not have things down like we had planned. We shouldn't have missed the intentions, and we had planned earlier who was going to do opening and closing prayer. We actually had other things planned that would have made more sense in terms of the topic of our meeting. I think that there was a big trust issue and not following through with what we've assigned ourselves to do. It would've been nice to have a smoother meeting. I think it would've ran smoother if I had more time to work on setting up and other paraphernalia instead of having to work on something else that I could've and should've had help with. I'm really tough on myself, I must admit. When things don't satisfy people the way I want them to, it really upsets me. I'm taking this meeting as a lesson. I know what I have to work on. I feel like my last meeting that I hosted which was a pretty long time ago went soooo much better than this one. I learned a lot about myself while planning this meeting.

Thank you for showing your support and coming out to the meeting. I really appreciate everyone's presence. Y'all definitely lit my heart up. =]

What gets you up every morning?

That question came up in a conversation today. You know, I'm gonna be honest. The only reason why I get up everyday is my mom. I live for her, so that she can live.

After such a long time of contemplating what route to take, I think I've made my decision. I've tried so many things but the one thing I haven't tried is the Company of Mary. Now, when I say I've made my decision, it doesn't mean that I'm gonna go with this decision now. It just means that I'm ready to give it a try. You never know what it's like until you try it right?

Please pray for me as I journey on and may God lead me where he wants me to go.

You know I'm not such a bad liar after all.

12:01 am thoughts

Hah. You can't help who you love. true.

all cried out.

done being emo.

still feel it.

it hurts.

pretending is hard.

Where are you?

do you care?

avoiding?

perhaps.

busy?

possible.

don't care...

could be.

tired.

You surprise me. I thought out of everyone, you would be most likely to leave a message even if you weren't going to make it to an event. I don't really know what to think anymore. I fear. I fear a lot of things, but it wouldn't make sense for me to fear that you're happy. You may be happy with someone else and that's a good thing. What you used to do for me, someone else gets a chance to experience. Should I worry? No, because all I want is for you to be happy. It's ok that your blogs are about someone now. It's ok that you send care packages to someone else and that someone is able to give you hugs because of the close proximity that person is lucky to be in. It's ok that we haven't spoken in a while. It's ok that I haven't seen you in a while. IT IS OK.....as long as you're happy.....only if you're happy.

I'm wearing this bracelet because it's the closest I can get to you.


Good night, sweet dreams...


Let the warmth of God's breath comfort you as you sleep tonight.


ilove.


u.

Frustration

I'm feeling super frustrated right now. I'm at Langson library trying to study for my GRE test which is in about a month. I'm frustrated because I can't seem to get any of these problems right...why? Because I can't concentrate. My body is here, but my mind is definitely not. I feel like I've left my body and am now watching myself study. It's like I'm standing right next to my body, who's typing this right now. I don't really know what I'm doing here. I don't really. I'm not getting anything that I'm studying at this moment and.arghh!

I hate it when this happens. I hate when I can't control my mind. I hate it when I'm not in control of myself.

It's hard and I've tried so hard,
but this road is tough,
and I just wanna give up.

I wanna go back to those days of old,
when we had each other to have and to hold.
But life doesn't always turn out as it should,
we continue to think about what is and what could.
When you think you've past,
this most difficult of tests,
there's always something that brings you back,
and turns your life into a big mess.

I'm afraid that after awhile,
You'll find your heart has moved on,
but then again I'm still in denial,
thinking that maybe i've moved beyond.

Yes, I know I'm selfish and there are things I shouldn't do,
So, I'll muster up the courage not to think about you.

I'd like to think that everything I do is a choice, not an obligation. Sometimes I make it seem like it is, or sometimes I just turn it into an obligation. When things become obligations, it's like your heart is half in it, and the other half is just hangin by the door. I wanna put my whole heart into everything that I do. Right now I really need You.

I wish I had super powers. I would want to be super strong. I want to be invincible. I guess for now, I can "take one thing at a time."

If you believe, you will achieve...right?

Time to study...

p.s
Thanks for that hug even though it felt like you didn't wanna give me one. You're probably never gonna read this anyway so it doesn't even matter. While I'm at it, why do you always look at me with that glare in your eyes? What have I done? I don't even talk to you that much to even be able to guess what I've done to make you give those looks....Oh well, guess I'll never know.

It's during times like these that I can really tell that You love me, through all these awesome people that You've made part of my life.

Thank you for the massage and the tylenols.

Thank you for the chicken nuggets.

Thank you for the rice garden.

Thank you for the Sobe and Nutter Butters.

Thank you for the "feel better" IMs.

Just....thank YOU!

It's raining outside and I'm just sitting here
I just think of your smile and the world is so clear
How I wish for a sign or something to set me free
'Cause ever since I lost you I've been down on my knees

Praying Lord won't you bring him back
Won't you take away the pain Lord that's all I ask
How am I supposed to go on living each day
Knowing that I'll never see another smile on your face
You were always there when I needed you most
Even thought you are gone I'll still keep you close
to my heart.

It's been 8 months since you've been gone
But I've been praying each day, living in the shadow of your love
I know you are near, at least that much is clear
You're my angel from afar, here to take away my fears
---------------------------------------------------
Just random.

I'm weak and I fall short on many aspects of my life, but I've always had a desire to make people happy. Well, I don't think I'm strong enough to do that right now because it seems like I'm horrible at it. I don't really know where I'm being led to but I guess with faith, comes trust that I'll end up in the right place, wherever that may be. Thank you for tonight. I wanted to let it out, and I was able to through your powerful prayer. Maybe someday I will have enough courage to offer my own prayer. For now, I'll keep praying for that courage.

I'm sitting by the tables between SSL and SST. A butterfly landed on my laptop. Now I know who's gonna be with me during my midterm today at 4. =]

ilove daddy.

41 Ways to Melt a Woman's Heart

So I was listening to Ryan Seacrest on kiis fm and he was talking about this. I dunno but I sorta don't agree with some of these "ways."

1. Ask her to dance.
2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her.
4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
7. Call her when you’re feeling sad.
8. Kiss her eyelids.
9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
11. If she’s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.
13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
14. Buy her your favourite rock album of all time on vinyl.
15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.
19. When she’s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no-one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
20. Call her just before you get on the plane.
21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.
22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she’s feeling down.
23. Take her to see your favourite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice.
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
27. Worship her breasts.
28. Give her jewellery.
29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)
30. Ask her specific questions about her work.
31. Keep her favourite cereal on hand.
32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.
36. Read her a story when it’s her turn to drive during a long road trip.
37. Offer to fix something at her place that you realise is broken.
38. Notice when she’s wearing something new.
39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
41. If she’s too stressed to want sex..
a. Run a bath for her.
b. Give her a full-body massage.
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.

"buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl"? wth. That wouldn't make me melt. But that's just me.

How bout you? lol

I realize that I've been very busy and neglecting a lot of things/people. I feel so afraid sometimes. It's like I don't know how to deal with my own emotions and I"m afraid that if I engage in long enough conversations with people, I'd end up bawling or doing something beyond my control because of my uncontrollable emotions. I hesitate to call people because I'm afraid of just blanking out or feeling like I need to get off the phone before I break. It seems like I'm busy now but in reality, I'm much more busy then I believe I am. There are so many things going on that are overwhelming me and I'm mustering every bit of strength I have or think I have to handle this.

I want to break away from you, because I don't trust myself when I'm around you; at least not enough yet. I just want to be able to say that all my feelings are legit but how can I say that when my emotions are bunged up. I'm sorry I got you into this mess but you can still get out of it.

"La la la la la la la life is wonderful..."

So tired. Whoever said school was easy is INSANE! I feel like I'm one step closer to the edge of a cliff. Hopefully by the time I have no more steps to take, I'll be wearing a parachute and I'll land on water. haha.

I should go to bed but I don't know what's keeping me awake. I guess it's a mixture of everything that's been happening. I'm sorta trying to get out of this big puddle of fear. Fear of letting go, encountering new things/people, fear of moving on. Here's a great song. I usually use songs to express myself when I can't find the words to do it.

It's so hard to rebuild yourself. You want to become a new person and put the past behind you but it's hard when people still hold that image of you in their minds. It's almost like they won't allow you to change for the better. Who wants to live when their names always follow a warning sign.

Warning! Becky's indecisive and has hurt a lot of people in the past.
Warning! John is a player.
Warning! Lily is not good at being faithful.

....how do you expect these people to change and improve on certain things about themselves if you don't leave those thoughts behind first? It makes it so hard for people to accept themselves when they know others have not.

Just a thought.

I miss you Dad.
I wish you were here.
You'd wipe away these tears.

I'm angry. I don't know how long I can take this before I really break. For real.

WARNING! Tracy's running out of effing patience.

You know how there are some things you really wanna do but you just can't...for the greater good of things? Yea, I hate that. There are things I want to do but it requires hurting people..so what do I do? So, do I just isolate myself? Or do I live my life? This is so freakin' hard.

What do You want from me?!

Some may say I'm being selfish and I think I am sometimes...but does giving up what you want considered an act of selfishness?

How can I do things for people to make them happy without misconstruing my intentions? What, should I just be mean to people? No. I'm not about that.

This sucks.

I'm letting go of my wants and focusing on my needs.

I need You.

I know. I'm sorry.

I think I'm really spoiled. I've gotten so much more than I could ever ask for, but sometimes I take advantage of this. I don't deserve any of it at all. I think I'm really selfish. Someone shared at the meeting that the things that God wants you to do are the things that you don't want to do, the things that are hardest to do. Sometimes I feel really weak. It's like I want so much to feel happy that sometimes I don't want to realize that what I'm doing is selfish. Sigh. I'm sorry.

Your understanding warms my heart and your support strengthens me. Cam on Mi Xao. =]

Studying....but not really

I'm trying to study but today I saw a picture and it made me feel uneasy inside. I don't feel a great need to specify what I saw but what I saw brought me through 4 previous years. A bit of sadness and confusion still linger within me and I'm not sure when it'll ever go away. I'm listening to this song from Michael Buble called Everything. Somehow this song makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because of the thoughts that come to mind when listening to this song, and sad because they're all just thoughts. AH hah! Chayanne...funny how all these songs are playing one after the other. I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason and if you look deep enough, you'll figure out what the reason is.

Yesterday I had dinner with Audrey and while sharing with her things that are going on with me, I was able to evaluate them as well. I realize that I'm trying too hard to keep on walking down this road, accepting that I cannot be walking down two different roads at one time. I can only be at one place at a time. If only time stood still, but it doesn't. If I choose to walk down one road, I can only keep on going to get to where I want to go. On this long narrow road, I might come across nice shady trees to rest under and feel comfort after a long day's walk, but I might come across bumps and obstacles that will make me want to just turn back. What do I do? All I can do is keep on moving and hope that in the end, wherever I end up, I'll be happy with. I will always wonder what the other road looks like and where it leads to, but who knows? Maybe there are two different roads leading up to the same destination. You might ask why I didn't choose the other road to begin with....well, my only explanation for that is....the road is way too narrow and someone is already walking down that road. If I were to walk down the same road, I would either be behind or in front. I don't want that. I'd rather be walking beside. By taking the other road, I can only hope that we're both walking together, just down different roads and maybe...just maybe we'll end up in the same place. If not, I can only hope that my destination is as great as the other destination.

Struggles only make you stronger if you challenge them.

That's all for now.

Happy studying! =]

Something's just not right. I feel so uneasy. For some reason, I feel like I've done something wrong and it's affecting everyone but I don't really know what I did. I'm sorry. I'm not sure what I'm sorry for, but I'm sorry. Today was a long day in a way. Not that that's a bad thing but this weekend has been filled with a lot of tasks that I got done. On Saturday, I woke up at 9 to go see my doctor. I waited for like 3 hours before I was able to go inside to see the doc. I was sooooo hungry and they wanted to take my blood but I told them that it wasn't a good idea cus I was super hungry and if they took my blood, I could like pass out or something. So..I'm coming back this Tuesday morning to get a blood test. I'm not really fond of needles...well I guess not the needle itself cus it doesn't really hurt, but the thought of blood coming out and stuff makes me sick. But, gotta do what I gotta do. " I can do all things with Him who strengthens me" right? right. So anyway, after that I went home to get something to eat. Then I had to go get a livescan/finger printing for my internship. On the way, I took out the list of places I could go, and all of them said appts only. Darn. Sooo...I went home and my mom told me to go get my eyes checked. So I went to the optometrist. The good news is, my eyes are okay and "healthy." The bad news is now I have to figure out why my head hurts so much all the time...my theory was that it was because I didn't wear my glasses often enough so my eyes had to refocus all the time. But, I guess not. I dunno. Anyway, my brother's birthday was yesterday too. So, I had a couple of shots and beers to celebrate with him. I think my tolerance has skyrocketed after v2o.

Today, I was at Interfaith the majority of the time. When I wasn't there, I was at Paul's talking about issues concerning stuff. vague I know. But yea..anyway, I got to sing a meditation today. It was...rejuvenating...well while I was singing it to say the least. Nez took the harmony and guitar, and Mel on the piano. It was really good. The funny thing is, I was taking a short nap before mass and I woke up all of a sudden, and sorta just ran to Interfaith. If it was any other day, I would've backed out, but for some reason, even though my voice was groggy, and I couldn't hear in my right ear, I wanted to sing it. I guess you say can it was Him and not me.

Afterwards, I was planning to just go home and study, but decided to stop at Our Lady. Once, again, it was Him. It was nice to be on my knees right there in front of Him and just talk.

I just wish there was a clear direction but there just seems to be a constant struggle to figure out where to go.

This is random, but you can never know what someone's really thinking or feeling inside when you see them cry, but it's amazing how you can at least catch a glimpse of it. When you see others' at the most vulnerable state, how does it make you feel? It makes me want to be more humble. It makes me realize that because they're humble enough to show their vulnerability and weaknesses, that I can do that too.

I dunno, I just have a lot of thoughts running through my mind and not all of them are coherent.

I also feel really sick cus I ate something that probably had a lot of MSG in it. I can't stand a lot of MSG because I start to feel sick to my stomach...my mom has the same reaction to MSG, so I think I got it from her. I got a lot of things from my mom.

k, I'm gonna lay down cus I really don't feel good.

Good night. =]

Confusion

I think there's been some confusion. Maybe some people think that I can't speak for myself and so another person is speaking on my behalf. The truth is, I know I'm not ready for whatever role it is that people think I want to take. I haven't been around for very long, and I don't mind just singing. I don't want anyone to speak for me, and I don't want people to think I'm complaining. Sure, when there's such a big group, people are gonna feel left out and I totally understand that. It's all good. I do what I can, and I help whenever I can. So, if I can help you in any way, let me know. This is me, speaking for myself, and not anybody else.

It's a whole different story when you feel like your opinions don't matter just because you stepped out for a while and now you're back in the game. I think feeling left out and feeling unappreciated are two different types of feelings. For this, I definitely feel unappreciated. I don't want any glory for the things I've done, but I also don't want to feel like what I've done has no meaning. It's changed. A lot. And I'm super worried.

ahh...I"m gonna go to sleep. Good night.

I am feeling so torn right now. I guess it's a big problem when you want to be a part of everything. I feel like it's a relationship and I'm not completely faithful to both. I'm not talking about boys either. That is the LAST thing on my mind. Sigh. This makes me feel so uneasy.

I don't wanna make it seem like I'm abandoning either...that hurt when I heard that.

Sleep would be nice right about now.

Big Fat Warning Sign

Have you ever done something that you have a feeling would not turn out very well but you did it anyway just because you really didn't give a flying cow?

Just a question.

I wish I could tell how fast time is running. Like...I wanna take me out of myself, and just watch and see how fast things are going. I mean, when you have "live like there's no tomorrow" in your head and that's how you want to live your life, things just come...and they come fast.

Haha..I find it sorta funny that I really wanna blog about something but when I actually hit New Post....I can't seem to write it down or I just go blank. This is exactly why I'm writing this right now because I don't know how to write about what I really wanna write about.

Strange.

I won't try this time.

Good nite

Movin'

Moving...too fast? too slow? not moving. Those are the thoughts in my head right now. I guess you can say my mind is in it, but my heart's not quite there. So what do I do? I guess we'll have to let time decide where I'm gonna be. sigh. School starts tomorrow and it's going to be the beginning of a brand new journey. I'm pretty scared because so far, I've already started this year off with something...something that I have yet to determine the outcome of. I don't know if that sentence made any sense at all. I guess this is how life is. You never know when something will come at you and it takes you a while to realize what it is and then comes the interesting part...one that can either cause heartaches, pain, sadness...or it could cause feelings of joy, happiness, awe.

All I know is, this year will be a new year and regardless of the obstacles I know I'm going to face, I can't let it stop me from living it up. It's time to clean out my closet and make room for new things to come in.

For now, have a good night. Brand new day tomorrow!

There are some things I just don't understand. Sometimes when I think about everything that has happened, that's happening, and will happen, I just get a mixture of frustration, contentment, satisfaction, anger, sadness...you name it, I probably felt it. Is it really anyone's fault that you just feel the way you do? I feel a lil bit angry right now when I think about certain things. I feel like it is all my fault that some things aren't right. But is it really my fault? I dunno. Maybe.

I really just wanna scream right now...wait, I'm a lil thirsty. sigh. It's been a long day...but good day. Lots of walking, sightseeing, talking, picture taking, laughing, smiling...sharings that were happy....and some that were sad...angry...Lots of surprises.

I'm just trying to absorb it all right now and as physically strained as I am, I still need to just sit and take it all in. I don't really know what is ahead of me but all I know is that I may be alive today, but gone tomorrow. If I don't take advantage of the chances that are given to me today it may not be there by tomorrow, or I may not be there.

I went to Old Town San Diego today and the first place I went to was the church. I sat in the second pew and meditated for a while. I was really trying to talk to Him. I'm not sure how long I stayed in there for, but the time that I sat in the pew meditating felt like a long while. I really wanted to talk to Him. Then I went over to the Blessed Sacrament. I stood there and looked up at Mother Mary. For some reason, when I started praying, I was on the verge of tears. It wasn't something I felt in a long while and in a way, it felt very rejuvenating.

Wow, my mind must be working overtime cuz I'm starting to feel my energy level drop a whole octave. (haha..lame musical joke)

Alright, even though I don't know what's in store for tomorrow, I can only say that I will approach it with hope, honesty, understanding, and love. That couldn't have sounded any cornier...so, I'll leave it at that.

Good night.

Thank you for the bracelet. It was a pleasant surprise. =]

reflection

So, I feel so rejuvenated. After Family Night, I realized that I really miss Mustard Seeds. I mean, there's a lot of changes but I just really missed the people. I can't help but get emotional whenever I think about it because for the past week, I felt so good even with all the stress and stuff. It was definitely cloud nine for me.

I don't think I've laughed so much in one week...actually, in one day. This makes me so happy knowing that even though I stepped away from the group, I am still welcomed back. I definitely need this group right now. Even though this group is not the only group that I call family because Liwanag is also a family to me, I just feel like I've been neglecting hat cai a lot and I'm really glad that I'm gonna stick around.

Right now, all I can say is that I've missed everyone and I'm so grateful for your friendships. I'm almost speechless because I don't really know how else to express it.

I'm gonna have a good sleep tonight. =]

So I finished a presentation, homework, a 15-20 page research paper, and a final. I feel sick. Never have I had to do so much in half of my summer. Now I'm at the library trying to study for my last final which I so don't wanna take. I'm tired.

I feel like I'm being rushed into new things. I can't. I need time to soak up all the old stuff first before I can allow myself to experience new things. At this point, all I want to be serious about is school. It's about time I get my act together and prepare for my not-so-distant future. Grad app. deadlines are vastly approaching and I have nothing.

I wish I was a superhero that can handle everything all at once, but sadly, I'm not. I'm pretty sure superheroes need a break once in a while too...

Who am I

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I come off as to people. Do people see me as a shy, quiet person? an innocent person? a person who's got lots to hide? I dunno. What do you think of me? I guess the important question is not what people think about me, but if I care about what they think about me. I try not to let others persuade me into thinking that I'm a horrible person, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I am. Maybe I did something that wasn't what they expected of me...like..maybe I got a little drunk and danced with people I didn't know...Does that really define me as a person? So I was drunk, and I was dancing with people I didn't know, in ways I wouldn't have danced if I were sober. Does that now make me a bad person? Despite the fact that I feel completely disappointed in myself, I can only say that alcohol makes you do things your right mind would stop you from doing. For the record, I hate people who look like they're goin at it on the dance floor. That is disrespectful to humankind. Was I dancing like that? If I was, I'm sorry. I'm sure I wasn't though. The point is, I'm highly disappointed in myself, but I also know that one night of drunkenness does not make me a bad person.

I'm gonna keep saying that to myself until I get over this. I am never getting drunk ever again, and it will probably be awhile til I step into another night club. The end.

Do I ever cross your mind anytime? Do you ever wake up reaching out for me? I miss you....I'm crying myself to sleep..wonderin' bout tomorrow...

That's what I'm listening to right now. It's not a song that really describes my mood at the moment but it's playing and it's a classic from Brian Mcknight so I couldn't pass it. Hah. Four Seasons of Loneliness is playing now. You know, none of these songs really reflect how I'm feeling right now...except this line...life's empty, without you by my side. Yea, it really doesn't feel the same. hmm...this is great. If I could just read what I'm writing out loud as the songs are playing, it would work so well. What I'm feeling is numbness. I feel like I'm numb to emotions. I just feel empty and numb, like I'm cold. Man, listening to slow jams is crazy. I remember when I used to listen to them at night and I would start crying because of the lyrics sometimes and how I was able to relate to the song and everything. Now, I don't know what to feel. Just emptiness. Am I possibly trying to subconscious guard myself from getting hurt? I dunno. You know how sometimes you're so hungry that after a while, you just don't feel the hunger anymore? I think that's how I feel, but not hunger.

I wish I was stronger. I'd be able to stop complaining about how stressful I am about things that are coming way too quickly like grad school applications, GRE testing, field study, etc, etc. Complaining only takes up the time that I can spend doing something about it. If I had a few months left to live, how would I live it? It's really hard to answer that question because I seriously don't know how strong I would be if I knew I was dying. I know that one thing I need to do is take one thing at a time. I've been looking at the big picture way too much that I'm not working on the steps that will lead to that big picture. My goal now is to just take one thing at a time and try not to complain.

The fact that I can't sleep even though I'm super tired says a lot about how many things are streaming through my mind.

I'm gonna try to sleep now. My laptop is getting really hot and I'm sweating.

Have a good night.

For the past few days, I've been lacking way too much sleep. So many things to worry about and so little time to get it all figured out. I feel like I'm reaching deadlines after deadlines. IN a way, I'm glad I"m busy like this because time flies and I don't have a lot of time to think about things. Right now, I feel annoyed. WHy? because I have time to think about stuff that I don't necessarily want to think about. I really don't like it when people go back on their words. My head hurts. I'm tired. I getting a lot of random thoughts in my head. Stuff I write probably won't make any sense since I"m just writing down random stuff that I think about as I think them. I wonder what kind of haircut I"m gonna end up getting. Should I dye my hair too? I want to. I wanna dye it like purple or something. k I'm gonna knock out. peace.

Happy is knowing that you are happy...

It was and still is a bitter sweet ending, but I know that my strength is in You right now. The laughter and the tears are gifts that You've given us tonight. I feel so at peace right now and even though I am still hurting, I know it's worth it. I had been hurting for the wrong reasons and now I finally know what the right reasons are. Thank You for helping me to see what I couldn't or didn't want to see before. I know that Your will is greater than mine and I'm ready to accept it.

I will always love you and you will always be in my heart.
6.25.04-8.23.08

New Drinks I've had since I turned 21

Fruit Cup- It was big! I liked it because it didn't taste strong. I could still taste the alcohol but it wasn't too much, so it was like a spiked smoothie. haha.

Rasbellini- This one was stronger and I didn't like it as much. But the presentation is a plus. =]
Black and Gold Martini- This tasted like bailey...until I stirred it up. It was really strong!

Chocolate Cupcake- This shot is the best I've had...well actually I like the orange tictacs a lot..but this really tasted like a chocolate cupcake..hence I took two! haha.

Long Island Peach Ice Tea- Remind me never to order this again. It was too strong for my taste and didn't taste that great. =\

Mango Berry- I actually really liked this. I couldn't taste the alcohol at all. That can be dangerous you know. You never know when it'll hit you. =]

Purple People Eater- Another strong martini but it was a different taste. I liked it.

More to come...later...lol

Defense Mechanisms

So the title has nothing to do with my blog. I'm just in class right now and that's what we're talking about. I'm not really paying attention which isn't a good thing but for some reason I don't really care. Just one of them days where I'm just really consumed by random, lame thoughts in my mind. I was thinking about gifts this morning while driving to class. I think the best part about a gift from someone, at least for me, is the card that comes with it. I enjoy reading the card more than the gift itself. I think it's because when people take the time to write, they usually take the time to think of what to write, and when they can come up with something to write about, I feel like I was worth that time that they spent thinking of what to write about.

Thanks for writing me a card on top of getting me a gift. Your wine is still waiting for you, and your frame is still sitting on my nightstand.

Here's another random thought.

It's okay to feel unhappy about something but want to work towards being happy about it, right? I feel like I've invested so much time and effort trying to work towards a medium but I don't really know where I'm heading towards...

It's really cold in this classroom. It's making me first wanna leave and let the sun bathe me, second, get some food...preferably a tofu salad from Kabuki. Funny how I'm so detailed about what I want. *

Why did I put a star there? I dunno..maybe it's something to think about for my next blog.

Oh another random one..

I'm sorry. I've said it too many times, but I still am, and as long as I'm still sorry, I will continue to say it. Maybe, I'll do something about it instead of saying sorry all the time, but for now, that's all I can do.

OH! I just learned that I'm a repressive coper. Great...

Thank you. That's all I can really think and am thinking of right now.

=]

So, I didn't really do a lot today. I woke up at 12 and thought..oh sh*t I need to wake up...I missed half of my day already. haha. So I woke up and helped my mom with some work. Then I got ready to go to Hat Cai meeting. It was a good meeting. I really enjoyed it. I guess I was able to let out some of the things I held in for a while. So, twas gud. Anyway, Jem is sleeping over tonight. We had a pretty funny little talk about my asus laptop. So she was so amazed at how small it was and she's using it right now. So...

Tracy: yea, it's really small. Sometimes Kirs and Julian would ask me "oh so what movie are you watching?"
Jem: oh?
Tracy: oh cuz my laptop looks like a portable dvd player...
Jem: oh like a psp..
Tracy: huh?
Jem: yea, that's a portable dvd player
Tracy: shouldn't it be pdp then?
Jem & Tracy: LOL

yea, so I thought that was funny even thought I made no sense when I said pdp cus it would be portable dignital...or portable disc player...which doesn't really make sense...

ok so anyway, we're gonna watch The Terminal on sidereel.com now.

GOOD NIGHT!

there is still a hope after hope is gone...I wanna believe that.

I'm officially done with school...well for now until second session starts. I feel like I have nothing to do now and I'm constantly trying to figure out what to do. I know I have a lot to do, like getting started on my grad school stuff, and I dunno, just a lot. But it's like I don't wanna get to it or something. I need to get a book for my GREs, and get started on studying for that. Man, senior year is gonna be so hectic. I can already feel the pressure. Trying not to though.

So did anyone feel the earthquake today? I didn't! I sorta wanted to feel it because we haven't had many little earthquakes in a while. I was driving at the time so I didn't feel it. When I got to school, I was sitting at one of the benches to study for my final, and I noticed a missed call on my phone. So my mom had called me. I called her back and she was like, "are you ok? where are you?" She sounded all worried. I thought it was sorta cute. But anyway, feeling that earthquake could have shaken me up for my final...too bad I didn't feel it. oh well.

Liwanag "meeting"...not really...today was fun. Kirs and Erwin's story was hilarious. the party bus and the stripper pole..LOL. Too funny. I'm waiting to have an experience as adventurous as that one to tell everyone this Summer. I have a feeling I'm not gonna really do much. I hope I'll still get to go jetskiing. It's really fun! So my plan for tomorrow...

Clean and rearrangement furniture in my room. I have frames and stuff to put up, but haven't found the time to do that. So, I'm gonna move some things around and hopefully find the right spot for my paintings, and hang-on-the-wall stuff. haha.

So during my conversation with Nez on aim yesterday, she randomly threw out a statistic about masturbation. I thought it was hiLAARious! She said something like, did you know that 98% of the male population masturbates and 2% who don't either have some kind of disability or..something else, I can't remember. I was studying for my final so when I read that, it woke me up. ahaha. I forgot to save the conversation but it was pretty funny.

Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed. Good nite!!

So, I'm supposed to be studying. I am...I was...I finished a lecture of slides. I'm trying to keep my mind from wandering some place else. This thought..I just want it to go away. This image...I just want it to vanish. This feeling...I want it to stop.

Can't help it...I'm falling. agh.

Sigh, time to study again.

Ok..so it's 1:57 am right now. I wanna sleep but I keep thinking. Why am I thinking right now? I should be asleep!

I'm missing something.

I read other people's blogs sometimes and they always seem so much more interesting. Mine are either about my complaints or just stuff that doesn't really make sense to anyone else but myself. What is the purpose of blogging anyway? Is it to share interesting things about yourself or about random life experiences or thoughts, or is it used as an outlet for all your thoughts that are trapped inside your head waiting to be released. I dunno...it's a total myth, believing that you could figure somebody out just by reading their blogs. But somehow, I'm always afraid that's true, so I try to release whatever thoughts I have without really telling the whole world what I'm talking about. Sometimes I fail at that. sucks. oh well.

So, here's something interesting for your reading pleasure. maybe not. haha.

Fun facts about me:

I used to have really poofy hair, like Black peoples'.
I like bitter melon.
I almost drown in an 8ft pool.
I got lost when I was 3 years old and my parents found me at a police station.
I fit in the palm of my mom's hands when I was born.
I used to hate my smile.
I fainted once while getting blood drawn and scared the heck out of the everybody.
I have a scar like Harry Potter on my forehead because I ran down the hall way in my house and fell.
I have two scars on my face; one from my cousin, and the other from her brother.
I fell off a motorbike and Viet Nam while it was still moving...almost died.
I was stopped by a cop once because he thought I was underage and out past my curfew.

Well...I'm getting pretty tired and I can't think of anymore "fun" facts about me...cus I'm tired...so maybe I'll continue later.

Have a good night errbody!

hmm...so, my next long term goal is to learn Japanese. Yup...it's gon happen! best believe it. =]

I went to Little tokyo and bought like a lunch set thing with a lunch box, bag, and chopsticks...it's super Japanese! haha. I love it.

I'm gonna be sporting my new bento box and the whole bit during lunch. Maybe you'll catch me one day with it. haha

That stuff is super cute.

Anyway, gotta get back to studying.

Good luck with finals!

What does it mean when you have a dream about marrying your friend? Soooo weirdddd! You know how dreams are so real sometimes? Well this one was really real and it really scared me. =Z So I tried to fall back to sleep just so I could somehow change it, but it didn't work! =\

Anyway, hopefully it's like a reverse meaning type of thing...where if something bad happens to you in your dream, then it's a good thing?....I dunno.

Ahh, got class!

thanks for listening. C=

Have you ever felt like you're not really part of the new group...and you've stopped hanging out with the old group for so long that you're really not part of that group either? It's like you wanted to be part of both, but you're stuck...and you're not part of any.

Why can't we all just get along....blegh

Don't tell me you'll keep your phone close to you and be attentive to it if you're not gonna answer my calls.

If you really wanted to know how I was doing, you would've listened to the voicemail I left you and went online.

Don't call me just to tell me you can't talk to me because you're gonna have dinner with a friend at 9:15 PM!

Just don't call me at all.

argh.

one question. two words. Where's Tracy?

This girl that's trapped inside Tracy's body is definitely not the real Tracy. I'm gonna try to shake her out of me. I need me back.

That's all.

Good night. =]

So I didn't think anyone really read my blogs. It's amazing how many people read your blogs that you don't know about. Like if you wrote something a little more personal, people would know about it even if you don't know that they know. That could be awkward but as long as you don't know that they know, I guess it's ok...or is it??

Anyway, I was productive today. Proud of myself. hah. I wrote my 6 page autobiography in 2 hours, did some grad school paraphernalia (stuff), and helped my mom out with some work for her second job.

I'm really glad I stayed home all day, as lame as that may seem. I didn't waste any gas and/or money. wahoo! So I'm gonna get a job soon; tutoring little kids. They're gonna drive me crazy but that's ok...I figured if I'm gonna aspire to become a psychologist, I may as well learn to be patient. good plan?

So, I got really excited when I was looking at grad school stuff. But first, I need to get some ink. My printer is sooo lame! It would clean without colored ink...so now I have to go get colored ink even though I'll only be needing black ink..and I have tons of those. Whatever, just part of those things you gotta do.. So once I get that stuff done, I can print out all the application forms and start on them. I was looking that the Occupational handbook, and psychologists are makin' bank! And there's a growing need for them..so I guess I'm on the right track =] I hope.

So I've been watching some Japanese dramas and just finished Hana Yori Dango. It's so awesome. I wanna go to Japan now..haha. I think I liked the drama so much that I sorta fantasize about being in it. I know..don't laugh. Those good looking guys with the mysterious personality...LOL. ok I'll stop.

OK. Gotta go sleep..I feel my eyes shutting without my help.. Good nite everyone!!!

Is it possible?

ehgghh...what is the meaning of this? I hate what my heart tries to make me do sometimes.

The olden days are gone.

I guess it's not up to me to decide my destiny.

I miss my dad. I dunno if I've come to terms with this yet. I feel like he's still here. I feel like I've been suppressing these feelings long enough, but I'm not sure how to let it out. Sigh.

I got an A on my midterm and A+ on my pop quiz. I wish I could show it to my dad and watch him smile and hear him say how proud he is of me.

Now I realize...

You know how some people say Love conquers all...Well, today I experienced it. Love conquers money. I'm not saying that I realize that just now. I've always known that money means nothing when it comes to love. But today, I actually had to choose.

The guy that bought my dog called me today to ask me if she has any vaccination records because he was gonna take her to the vet to get her checked out and groomed. For some reason, I felt so embarrassed when I texted back saying that I don't have any records. I've been thinking about MiMi since last night when he took her. I woke up thinking about her. I made the decision not to take his money. I got a check from him which I won't deposit. "Money makes the world go round." Well, money meant nothing to me when I made the decision not to take it.

I feel good. I feel really good...because I passed the test. See, I've always thought that I would choose the ones I love over money, but I've never been tested in that way before...I never had to choose to take money or someone I love.

I just miss MiMi and I'm glad that she has a better home now.

I wish my brother felt the same way.

Everytime I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

Oh...

Sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Dream On, Dream On, Dream On
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream On, Dream On, Dream On
Dream until your dream comes through
Dream On, Dream On, Dream On
Dream On, Dream On
Dream On, Dream On

Everytime I look in the mirror
The past is gone

I had 4 hours of sleep. I was at four pages and I was almost done, but then the dog started barking. I went out to see what was wrong. She seemed like she was in a panic. She keep licking me, so I figured she was thirsty. She drank...then I got her food and man...she must have been hungry because she went crazy with the food. It made me so sad. =[ Then my brother tells me that he's tired of the "guilt trip shit" from everyone. sigh.

I had to play with her, and rub her for like 2 hours before she calmed down...even then she wouldn't go into her cage...so I just left her outside in the family room....I kept going back and forth...

I dunno if my brother felt anything at all when I told him I have a paper midterm to finish after he told me to go to sleep. I wish he was more considerate of others' feelings. My mom is stressed out about him...and I wish I could do something to help...took up my brother's responsibility...I guess...but not anymore.

MiMi is going to a new home soon and I can't wait for her to be happy.

This morning I woke up at 7:15, tried to print my paper. My brother said his printer worked, but it didn't. I also had to translate for this lady who was there to draw some blood from my grandma for tests and stuff. I was running really late. So, thank GOD! Nez was able to print it out for me. Thanks Nez!

sigh. but on the brighter side...I love my classes. I love my professors. I love my friends. Thanks to Him.

Moral of the story: Always look on the brighter side. =]

Ok....So I'm sorry I had an attitude today, or I just seemed annoyed. The truth was...I was annoyed and it wasn't your fault. So, I'm sorry I was being jerkish. There probably are many reasons why I acted that way, but I don't really feel like listing all of them.

So...I wanna move. I've said this before, but for some reason, I just really wanna move. Somewhere far...where no one knows me, heard of me from others, etc. That would definitely give me a chance to start my life again...clean. Sometimes I feel like a criminal. It's funny that I've let people make me feel this way because I could've sworn I didn't care what others thought about me as long as I'm satisfied with who I am and as long as I'm always trying to be Christ-like.

There will be a last, final entry about this. I'm sure of it...I can't guarantee this will be it though..but there will be a final entry on this subject.

Final words for tonight...

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I love you.

Good night.

I guess I can blame myself for everything. But God didn't give me life so I can victimize myself. I guess you can say I'm still alive right now because I choose to live through the hatred. I tried and I will continue to try even if people don't like it. I feel so distant now, but I'm still trying. I wanted to stop trying because people didn't like it, but you know...why does it matter when we both wanna try? I would only stop trying if I was the only one trying...but should I stop trying? You tell me.

eff. I really don't like it when I know people don't like me but act like they do. I guess I can continue to dwell over it or go bathe my dog...yea, I'm gonna go bathe my dog. peace.

I'm taking a break from class right now...apparently my Prof. forgot the film we're supposed to watch today so she went to the library to check it out.

There's this really annoying girl in class. She gives the lamest comments in class and she's really loud. I'm trying not to get annoyed but she's making some kind of reservation....in class....yea...it's ridiculous.

Anyway, my neck hurts...it started hurting last night, but it's still hurting right now. I woke up in the middle of the night cus it was throbbing. I think it's swollen. I dunno...it really sucks...yea, it's definitely swollen...it happens when I'm stressed out...=\

sigh...k. Class is about to resume...

have a good day. =|

Why do I feel hated sometimes..? It's like some people force a smile just to be nice but talk about me when I'm not there. I guess when people don't know the whole story, there tends to be a bias. But, I wish people didn't judge me based on what others say about me. I know I've hurt many I didn't want to hurt, but it was never intentional, and there are things people think they know about me, but they don't.

Assumptions suck.

I dunno why I feel happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I finally heard the words that I was longing to hear from the person I wanted to hear from. Happy because I felt loved, special. Sad....sad because there's someone..or maybe some people who are hurt because of me. Should I be selfish and disregard others' judgments just because what I have makes me happy....or throw away my own happiness for the sake of others'.

Argg. I wish I could be selfish and not feel bad about it.

Anyway, these are little messages to some important people in my life.

Thank you for sharing your life with me and for making me feel so special. I value your sharings, and I'm grateful for your patience. I love you.

Thank you for being my #1...but most importantly, for being an awesome listener. Thank you for trusting in me.

We matched today! Thanks for going on random trips to the mall with me and for confiding in me. I'm glad you trust me enough to do that. I know I don't say it enough, but thank you for thinking of me...

and...

Thank you for smiling today. A million thanks wouldn't be enough and would never amount to all that you've done for me. I really do appreciate you. I might not be able to catch you when you fall, but I can put band-aids on your bruises and cuts....only if you let me.

I'm sharing this because even though I may feel judged wrongly sometimes, I know that there are some people who will take me as I am.

Good night world...and don't forget to give thanks and be grateful for what you have.

You are important! Yes, YOU!

I can't stress that enough. If we were in a game, you'd be Most Valuable Player.

I'm here to listen whenever you wanna vent.

I wanna hear what you have to say.

What I don't wanna hear....is "I don't know."

Just wanted to let you know that.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
I lava!
I lava who?
=]

Last night was one of the worst nights I've had. First I came home to an empty house with loneliness feeling every part of the house. Sorry, that wasn't supposed to sound poetic. I'm really not in the mood for that right now. But last night, my stomach was in so much pain. I went to the bathroom more than I slept....sigh...ok, so I exaggerated, but I went to the bathroom so many time...and every time was a painful one. I fell asleep scrunched up in a ball with my arms holding my stomach. I felt so weak after every bathroom trip. This morning...it didn't stop.

ugh. I feel like jello right now.

There's a hole in my heart. One that has been taken away and will never be returned to me. I live my life now trying to gather as much of that part of my heart that's missing to fill the hole, but the truth is, it will never be able to fill up and my heart will never be whole again.

I try to find completeness in God, only to find emptiness. I will never be complete as long as I continue to have this hole in my heart. I will continue to have this hole in my heart because the person that can fill up this hole is gone forever.

Sometimes I ask myself, why am I trying so hard to live? Why am I still living when this world brings so much pain. The only answer I can come up with is that I don't want to be a disappointment- to my dad, my mom... So, I continue to live, with this heavy heart of mine, hoping that somewhere along the line, someone would come and give me a hand.

I don't think that there's a single moment in my day that I don't think about you. Sometimes I feel like I fall so short and I completely fail you. I don't understand. I can't relate. I'm inpatient...and the list goes on. But I try. I try my best to understand. To relate. To be patient. But when I express something that deep down inside, is very important to me, you say, "I'm done talking about this." I'm beginning to think that it's not really the fact that I feel this way....but it's the fact that I feel this way about THIS PERSON...that upsets you. You will never understand how I feel as long as you continue to think that this is my problem and I have to deal with it on my own.

I'm sorry that sometimes I say things that seem passive aggressive, but I'm definitely not sorry for feeling this way about this person. I wish that you would question why this person makes me feel this way, instead of making this just MY problem.

I really wish my dad was here. Sitting alone at home is the most loneliest feeling I will ever feel, and I definitely understand why my grama doesn't like to stay at home during the day and has to go work and school so that she wouldn't have to.

When will I ever be complete? That's a question only God knows the answer to.

Let's see...today, I woke up pretty early...earlier than I've been waking up since I have no school or work to wake up for. I think sleeping in has been both good and bad for me. I feel like I'm lazier, I'm not drinking enough water, I'm not eating as healthy. The last few weeks of school, I started a game plan. I was drinking 2 and some bottles of water, cereal for breakfast, ham sandwich and carrots, for lunch, and whatever my mom made for dinner. That was pretty good. But because school ended, my whole routine fell apart. It makes me a little disappointed in myself. I had a goal, and just because something changed, my goal dissolved into laziness, unhealthy eating, no water. sigh. I'd like to think that I have enough control over myself to keep to a goal, but I guess I have a lot to work on.

Right now, Lakers are losing and it's may or may not be causing this mean headache that I'm having. Maybe it's because I've been on my butt since 3. So, I woke up early to go get my legs waxed. I haven't done that in a long time, and it felt good. Goodbye hairy legs! After that I went to one of my old time friends, since 1st grade, to hang out with her. Her little sister's graduation was today so she asked if I could do her hair and make her up. So, I did her hair while we watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Then I did her makeup. She looked hot. It was nice to have sorta down time with her since we hardly see each other. After that, I stopped by Sephora to make an exchange and then went home. My mom was already home cooking. So, I had some yummy food she made and I think my tummy was satisfied by then...or maybe not, cus I kept on wanting to eat more. Seee!! Messed up my healthy routine man!

Anyway, I've been watching tv since then and the finals now. I'm a little annoyed right now. I keep thinking priorities. What makes things more important and do the same things always stay of the same importance? I don't know if that makes any sense. But, if your bf or gf is important, will they always be up there in your list of priorities? Maybe not and that's totally ok. But, when it's compared to something else....agghh...nevermind. Maybe I'm just really really annoyed right now. I feel like I'm making myself overly available and it's not being reciprocated. I could bring this up but I'm not ready right now. So, I'm resorting to writing about it. If it gets read by the right person/people, then I guess at least they'll know how I feel.

It sounds like this is some sort of conditional way of doing things...sorta like I do this for you, how come you don't for me? But I think I deserve it. It takes two to tango right? At least that's how I learned the dance. Sometimes one person falls short and that's fine...but if one person feels like he/she is always giving more, that sucks. Yes, I know I need to be patient and understanding...but somewhere along that line, I also NEED it. It's a struggle to be a person who has to deal with something they can't control. But it's also a struggle to be a person who's trying to support the person who has to deal with something they can't control. I know I'm getting really wordy with this, but I can't really divulge too much.

aghhhh...my head really really hurts now. WTF!

Meaning of sacrifice

sacrifice: noun, verb -ficing, -ficed

1.the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
2.the thing so surrendered or devoted.
3.to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.

That's all.

Good night.

daddy, i miss you so much.

i need a hug from you.

i need you to tell me that everything's gonna be ok.

i need your love.

I miss you.

If I could just let go...I would have a river of tears. There are times when I think about you, and I can't help but realize that I won't have a father to celebrate Father's Day for. I won't have a father to buy a tie for, or another hat, or a t-shirt that says "world's greatest dad."

I miss you so much and I wish so much for you to be here. I try to hold in my tears, knowing that if I do let it shed, my mom would see and it would hurt her. But, I really really miss you. I try to distract myself, but when the light's out, and all is quiet, that's when it happens.

I Am

I am imperfect.
I am a sinner.
I am unworthy.
I am hurt.
I am happy.
I am renewed.
I am grateful.
I am sorry.
I am remorseful.
I am angry.
I am lustful.
I am prideful.
I am caring.
I am loving.
I am giving.
I am selfish.
I am funny.
I am ignorant.
I am smart.
I am wise.
I am conceited.
I am humble.
I am crude.
I am mean.
I am judgmental.

I am....

a child of God...and that's all that matters. He loves me for the imperfect person that I am. His love is unconditional. Instead of drowning myself in my own flaws and allowing this fear to push me away from You because I'm so afraid of exposing myself....I will learn to let You love me. I will learn to embrace all my shortcomings and to look to You because You are the ultimate. Lord God, I pray that You will continue to watch over all my brothers and sisters who are in need of Your mercy and who are looking for Your love. Shine Your love through them so that they may be able to feel the warmth and consolation that Your love brings. I ask all of this in your most holy name. Amen.




I love you.

Have a good night everyone. Today was a hectic day but turned out great, except for the minor fact that when I went to my dermatologist yesterday, she totally messed up my face. So, she was digging into my face to get my white heads out...sorry, a little gross....but yea...now I have like little dots on my face...scars left from her digging...ughhh...I wanted to cry this morning when I woke up. It's so bad....I literally had like 5 layers of makeup on to cover it. eeeekkkk...Hopefully it'll get better...I'm just gonna keep on convincing myself that it doesn't matter what I look like on the outside as long as I'm beautiful on the inside. hahaha...I have to work on that one too...

Anyway, no more complaining.

Have a good night!!!




p.s I love you.

Baby it's cold outside...

You know, I don't really understand the weather but I'm just gonna appreciate it for what it is. Today is a pretty cold, windy day. Usually I would scrunch up while I'm walking to keep myself warm, but for some reason, even though it was sprinkling, I felt so warm inside. The breeze wasn't cold anymore. I couldn't stop smiling. Usually I wouldn't be in a bad mood when the sun's not out and the day is just gloomy looking, but today, for some reason I'm just happy that it's the way it is. =]

This reminds me of a dove chocolate I ate. the wrapper said...Always have a smile on your face...It'll make people wonder why you're smiling....and there's this guy that just walked by, and he kept looking at me...and then he smiled. I made someone smile just by smiling!!! =D

It makes me feel really good.

Sometimes I feel like my dad is working in me. I'm carrying his legacy. Sometimes I can hear him laugh, especially when I'm at home. No wonder I like to be at home a lot more now. Yesterday, my brother left some funny notes for my mom in random places around the house. I thought that was really nice of him to try to make my mom laugh. hehe. My grandma did.

Times like these make me wanna live...live through the pain, through the suffering....hah...I'm listening to this song...it's called Love Song For Everyone by Courtney Jaye...and the chorus is "I'm in love with everyone." hehe. Ah, I love it! "I have so much to give..."

Yea, today is definitely a good day. =]

Life is not about holding on...

I'm done searching for happiness in others. I've come to realize that the questions I've been asking are way too selfish. If I can contribute anything towards someone's happiness, I think I'll be equally as happy.

I had a good conversation with you. I'm glad I was able to tell you everything that I did.

Prayers.

Love.

If I can't do anything else for you, these two things I know I'm capable of doing.

I'm glad I got to sing for you.

=)

How my day is...so far

So, I woke up at 8 today even though I don't remember exactly when I fell asleep. I got home at around 12 last night. PCN was alright this year. The dances were good, but the skit was really annoying me, especially towards the end. I was also not feeling very well. I dunno why, but it's like I wanted to throw up but there wasn't anything in my tummy for me to throw up. Weird.

Anyway, so I got up and the first thing I did was get started on my laundry. While my clothes were in the washer, I swept the floor...I hate dirty floors. When I was done with that, I put my clothes into the dryer and decided to make some chicken noodle soup. I was gonna make it for my mom last time but I didn't manage my time very well.

So I made, Chicken noodle soup....I wonder if it's good. I ate it, but to me it's ok. I hope my mom will like it. I made a vegan noodle soup for my grandma too. It's hard making vegan food, cus everything's vegetarian. Doesn't taste the same, you know? Anyway, so when I finished that. I took a quick shower cus I had to pick up my grandma from work and take her to her English class. After I dropped her off at her class, I went to get an oil change. I was glad that didn't take very long. So I came back a lil early so I waited for grandma outside, and wanted to be productive. So, I took out my music for an event I'm singing for with some LOG people and practiced the tagalog songs. Not to be cocky, but I think I'm pretty good at this whole tagalog thing. heh. I was singing one of the songs, and a Vietnamese man walked by. That was awkward cus he sorta looked at me weird.

oh wait, I forgot to mention that when my clothes were dry, I folded them, because my brother went into the bathroom without asking me if I was using it, because clearly, my clothes were in there and I was just waiting for my pants to dry! sigh. inconsiderate should be his middle name.

Let's not get into that. So then, after I picked up my grandma, I took her back to her work place and went home. I wanted to record something today, but my piano skills, or lack of..skills...got in the way. So, as soon as I get that down, I'll record it.

I dunno what to do now. I mean, there are so many things I can do. I can study. I can go run. I can keep on practicing piano. I can clean some more.

I dunno. My head feels heavy. I had a not so good drive home yesterday. You know when you're crying and the tears make everything blurry...yea, that's not good when you're driving. When I came home, I went to see my dad. The feeling that I got the day he left, is the same feeling I have every night and day. I remember when I was crying in bed, and some friends were there with me. My grama was in her room crying with people there, and my mom, in her room. It was definitely a cry that I've never experienced before. It was hurting...still hurts. I was crying tears, and crying out...After each session, I would feel my head as heavy as it is right now and my eyes barely having the strength to open.

I feel so discouraged. Sometimes I feel like I'm being pushed down so hard, that I don't even wanna deal with it anymore. I don't wanna play the victim either. I know when I'm wrong. I just wish people would hear me out more, instead of being so caught up in their own defenses.

blah. Time to get busy with something so this last 8 hours can go by quicker.

to be continued...

So, all I can think about right now is you. Why do I get so nervous and anxious at the thought of you?

My head hurts. I'm gonna sleep.

good night world.

Can't sleep

My heart's racing right now. I'm not sure if I'm angry, nervous, anxious, or any other feeling that would make my heart race. I know that I hope, and I keep on hoping that somehow you would reach out to me, but the truth is, I'm not even on your mind.

You used to call me just to hear my voice. When you were in VN, I used to call your phone, just to hear your voice from your voice message, or I would listen to the messages you left on mine.

I was on facebook today when you were on. You were confused about why you were signed on. I was hoping you'd IM me. I guess an excuse to ease my heart would be that you don't really use facebook chat because it's new and weird. I hope it was that.

I wonder what you do during the day, everday. I wonder if there's ever a moment where you thought about me or if the thoughts that consumed your mind were of others. I wonder if you ever look at the phone to see if you had a missed call from me. I wonder if you ever dialed my number and hung up...at least you dialed.

Remember when we went to the garden and we sat by the bamboo trees....I wonder if our names are still there.

Remember when I was sick one time and you hung a bag full of goodies by my window and told me to look outside? OH! remember when you came down from LA and brought me goodies cus I told you I was feeling sick that day?

Remember when I came to visit you in LA and I waited for 3 hours because you didn't answer your phone? I would've waited longer if I had to.

Remember when we went to Irvine Park for a special day, but it was closed so we went to Turtle Rock, and still had loads of fun playing frizbee and watching the ducks? I made spaghetti that day and you bought me pickles cus I liked them. You had rose petals all over my room and sunflowers too.

Oh, that one special day when you had one surprise after another for me. First, a card, then balloons, then more balloons, then chocolate that spelled out I love you in my car and rose petals all over the car...and you made a mix for me. I still have that cd.

Remember chango, oso, and gatito? They miss you.

Remember when you stayed over for a weekend, and I made you dinner. I was frustrated because I had ruined something I was cooking and we had to go to Albertson's to buy frozen vegetables. I really wanted it to be perfect.

All those times you surprised me and I surprised you.

That time we laid on your roof to watch the stars and we talked about our younger days.

That time I woke up in VN and thought it was a dream because you were there with me. I'm still in awe.

That time we arrived in Ha Noi, had a very nice dinner, and I cried after the taxi took you back to the place you stayed at for EAP. Wait, you didn't know that.

You know, I could go on forever, but you get the point. Reminiscing about this brings me both joy and sadness. Joy, because I was so blessed to have experienced it with you; sadness, because I no longer have that chance.

All this time, I've been holding on when that is the most selfish thing to do. I've been making it hard for you to move on. I want you to be happy, and if that means I have to let you go, then I will.

I just hope that you'll find the courage to tell me what is really on your mind.

I know God is testing me and sometimes I feel like I'm failing. I fail to believe that He is all that I need. Although I've lost someone so so close to me, my flesh and blood, and someone who I've given so much of my life and devotion to, I have HIM. It is so difficult to accept this, but I want to pass the test. I won't force myself to think this way. I will believe. Give me time.

Blogs revised.

Since I'm publicizing my blogs, I had to revise some things. The information I took out may have been too much for some people to handle, so I had to discard it. Anyway, this is me.

Today's entry...
Don't be afraid to hurt me....

Cuz you already have.

Maybe you should pray for courage to tell me the truth.

I'd rather have you tell me the truth then lie to me because you don't wanna hurt me.

If you're not happy with the thought of making me happy, then don't. I don't want anyone to be unhappy for me to be happy. I know you don't like to hear this, but I really don't wanna be a burden.

You say that God's telling you that he's gonna take care of me...I'm sure God will take care of me, but maybe he wants to take care of me through you. If you don't want to put in that effort, that's ok. Just tell me that.

I really don't wanna lose anyone else without a reason. One is enough.

I want this to stop

When will this stop?

when will my heart beat again

It's been a long year and we're only in May. I feel like I've been completely overwhelmed by so many different things..to the point where I don't really know how to feel anymore. My feelings take sporadic turns every now and then, and I find myself wiping my eyes and pretending like something just flew into them to hide the real reason.

I'm sorry that this had to happen. I'm sorry that we couldn't control our feelings. I'm sorry that you keep blaming yourself when it's not really your fault.

I don't really like hearing "I wish you the best" because it sounds like something you would say to someone who you're planning on not seeing for a really long time.

This is a prayer for all of us.

Good evening Lord God. It's been a long day, and I'm so thankful that You've helped me make it through. Lord God, we are all unworthy of Your love, but I pray that Your love will be strong enough to break the walls that we have built to keep you away. Lord God, open our hearts so that we may receive your most Holy Spirit. Grant us with patience so that we may be able to see the goodness that You have planned for us. Lord God, I know that times are so uncertain...especially right now, but I trust in You. I trust that You will make it clear for us. Lord God, please watch over those who are in the most pain and desolation. I feel like dying right now Lord God, but you give me life. You're the air that I breathe. I'm sorry for taking life for granted, and for not recognizing the most special gift You've given to me. Lord God, I pray that You will give us strength to overcome these obstacles and to continue to carry these heavy crosses that we have because even though we may think our crosses are heavy, Your cross was the heaviest, yet you carried it to the end. Because You died for us Lord God, I will live for You. I life up this prayer to you Lord God, through the Blessed intercession of Mama Mary. Amen.

Every little bit hurts

I've probably used this title for another blog but I can't think of anything else that could express the way I feel right now. It hurts. My heart hurts. I drove home last night crying...out of anger! I guess the alcohol in me helped me to release because I have been holding it in and suppressing my feelings for too long. I miss my dad so much! I want him to be here right now! He would make things so much better! In the midst of all this confusion, frustration, pain, etc, he would make it all better. HE WOULD MAKE IT ALL BETTER!

I HATE seeing my mom try to hold back her tears. I HATE knowing that when I'm not at home during the night and my mom is in bed, that she's crying her eyes out. I HATE knowing that I'm hurting people I don't wanna hurt, in the worst way, all because I don't know what to do. I HATE wanting something that I can only have half of.



WHY?!!!

Is it my fault that I don't feel a certain way? If you think that it's your appearance that's keeping me from reciprocating the feeling, then you're just saying that I'm shallow! It has nothing to do with the way you look! It has to do with the way I feel! Please don't blame yourself because I'm not giving you the answer that you want.

I wanna think that God will make a way because there is no way for me. I don't wanna play Hero and pretend like I'm alright, but I don't wanna play patient and spread my disease to others. Sadness is the worst disease. It can't be cured.