Maybe

I feel this pain in my chest since that day slowly easing. This is a good thing, but does it mean it's slowly fading? Perhaps that's what needs to happen. God knows who I am and I'm sure He knows I deserve the equivalent of...me. He gave me a chance to take back the dignity that was taken from me and I'm proud of myself for being able to speak up.

Forgiveness is not about letting the other person get away with something. It's about allowing the love of God to overshadow the hurt and betrayal.

My heart no longer feels heavy.

Interview

So, today I had an interview for CSUF's grad program in Counseling. I feel pretty confident about my acceptance. The faculty seemed pretty down to earth so it made the process a lot more comfortable. I was in a group interview with about 11 other interviewees. The letter is expected to be sent out some time at the beginning of May. I'm excited and have decided that I will most likely stick to CSUF-mostly because of financial reasons. Mount St. Mary's sounds good and I would love to go there for their beautiful campus, but it's insanely pricey and I'd have to rent an apartment. I know that wherever I end up, it's part of God's plan.

I want to go off topic and share about a little experience I had with my kids at work. Upon greeting some of my early-bird kids one day, one little girl said "Miss Tracy, we saw a bag hung on a tree and it had eyes balls and a knife in there!" So I asked, "which tree did you see it hung on? How did it make you feel?"

The girl replied," we're scared."

So then I said, "oh, there's nothing to be scared of. Do you know why?"

Then, the girl said, "I know. Because Jesus is always with us. He's everywhere. He's probably sitting next to you right now."

That little comment really warmed my heart.

I see so much improvement they've made as students and I made as a program leader. In the next few weeks, we don't know when, but someone from the program is going to come and evaluate us. We had a mock evaluation today by one of the staff in the program office. He said he was impressed by mine and another PL's class because we really utilized what he taught us in training. YAY! Last time, we got a pretty bad score. I think the main reason was because our former site coordinator wasn't full time, so she didn't have enough time to organize the program and do everything that needs to be done in order for our program to improve. We got a 4.5 on a 10-point scale. that's pretty close to horrible. But during the mock evaluation, we got a 7! 7 is considered very good. Of course we want it to be a 10, but from a 4.5 to a 7...I think we're doing pretty darn good!

I'm so proud of my students!

Sunday's Homily

On the 3rd Sunday of Easter, I attended and sang for 10am and noon Masses. I just want to reflect on some of the things Fr. Francis talked about.

"God never imposes on our free will."
God gives us free will to make our own decisions, but through prayers for guidance, we may be able to make the right decisions. We must pray for the wisdom to be able to distinguish between the decisions we make for our own sake, and for the sake of following God's plans. How do we know which decisions are right? We look deep into our hearts. If these decisions transform our hearts, I would imagine it to be guided by God.

"Transformation of the soul...taking all risks."
Taking risks means going the distance. It means not being safe. It means doing something that we are afraid of. It's through taking risks that we may be able to transform our soul. When we fear loss, loneliness, pain, we hang on and we convince ourselves that this is better. We become prisoners to our own false hopes. It's in letting go of all these that we may be able to allow God to transform our heart and soul.

"When you're young, you think you can control your life..."
Fr. Francis said something after this that was really awesome but I couldn't catch it because I got distracted by a friend of mine. I guess when we're young, we think that somehow we wear this cloak of invincibility; we avoid situations that we feel might hurt us. When we grow older, we begin to gain a better understanding of who we are and what we want and need. We start to think back to the times when we thought we were in control of our lives only to find that we'd missed so many opportunities to be transformed by these experiences we were so afraid of.

Fr. Francis ended his homily with three words.

Courage. Love. Transformation.

Redirecting My Focus

Lately, I've been feeling so energized. It's this feeling of getting to know myself better that's been making me smile a lot. I went to the gym today and caught myself just smiling while running on the treadmill. I'm still not quite sure what made me feel so good, but I guess sometimes you don't have to have a reason to smile.

Yesterday I woke up thinking, "hmm, I sent in my application to Fullerton a couple of weeks ago. I should be getting a letter in the mail soon, shouldn't I?" So then I checked my fullerton email because I got a letter saying that after I create an account, all future communications will be through that email. So I typed in my user name and password. Wrong password. OH NO! I don't remember my id or password. What do I do? What If I got an email about my acceptance or decline?

So I called the prospective student advisor at Fullerton to ask about my application status. She didn't answer but her voicemail gave me the answer I needed. She said that 100 students will be chosen for an interview out of about 500 or something. The interviews will begin at the end of April and 50 something students will be chosen for the program.

So, I calmed down for a bit. When I went outside to get the mail, I got a letter! I went through all that trouble for nothing. I had gotten a letter in the mail inviting me to an interview. Phew! I would have been surprised if I didn't get an invitation but things are falling into place. I have an interview with Fullerton's Counseling Program staff on April 27...also known as my mom's birthday.

I actually want to go to Mount St. Mary's College but we'll see what happens as soon as I send in my personal statement. Who would have thought writing just 1000 words would be so tough? I wrote 3000 words for Fullerton and it was easy peasy. I will send it in by this weekend. I WILL. No ifs ands or buts!

Right now, I'm just indulging myself in strawberries and whipped cream, and a glass of wine. yum!

After that, it's good ole' sleep!

Spring Break's over

I had a great day today. After two long nights of standing in heels, trying to improvise and pretend that I can be an MC, and singing songs I barely knew in front of hundreds of people, I've gotta say today was THE way to end my Spring break. I went to Mass at noon, because I really needed extra sleep. So sorry to Interfaith choir! I really needed a break from using my voice. After that a couple of good friends and I went to Dromo 1. Wondering what that is?? It's a race track! It's sort of like go-cart racing, except, it's better. We had to have our gears on and the jumpsuit. It was intense. I had such an adrenaline rush, even though I was one of the slower racers. It was my first time and I needed to get used to the sharp turns and stuff. Next time I will be better. hahaha I had a great time. I was 6th place....but hey, at least I wasn't last. =]

Anyway, after that we all went to Johnny Rockets to get our grub on before our 9:05 showing of....Clash of the Titans! I liked the movie. I mean, it wasn't AMAZING..but it was good. And now it's raining, which is perfect!..because I know I'm gonna have a good night sleep.

Tomorrow, it's back to work. I'm not really worried about work. I'm pretty excited about Spirit Rally. I'd really like to be a part of it this year. Hopefully I'll have a chance to do that and hang out with friends from Interfaith again. I feel pretty disconnected, but it's mainly my fault. I just gotta make the time.

Kk, I'm off to bed. Thank You! Alleluia!