grad school? or not.

Gosh. I really need some motivation. I can't seem to get myself to be positive about school. The only reason I'm even still trying is because of my dad and my mom. I don't want to be another disappointment. I've never been a disappointment, and I don't ever wanna be.

I wish I could just get back in the game and focus but there are so many things that are distracting me. My brain is on system overload. I feel so tired...physically, emotionally, psychologically.

You know the expression " I feel like I'm gonna explode." Well it's just figurative speech right? wrong.. I actually feel like I'm gonna explode. My brain's gonna go "kaboom!" and make a mess...big bloody mess. sigh.

If you want me to.

Even though I'm saying that I'm letting go and letting God work, I still feel like I'm being selfish and I'm not fully surrendering.

How do I do that?

I feel like He's saying...let go, but don't give up.

Wait...yea, that makes sense, let go, but don't give up.

When I say I still feel selfish, I mean...I still think of myself when life is so beyond me. Instead of thinking about my happiness, I should focus on my family's, friends, etc. They all contribute to my happiness. But it's so hard not to be selfish. I wish I could do better.

I don't understand why...

Have I not shed enough tears for Him, that He wants me to now?
Why does He want to make this a competition? It's not a competition, because all I have are His. But why is He taking people I love away from me? As if losing my father wasn't enough...I don't wanna lose anymore!!!

I'm letting go...

There's this song called You Alone, sung by Casting Pearls. I've been singing it in my head a lot.

It's a contradiction to say "I let go to hang on" but that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm letting go because my faith tells me that by doing that, I'm hanging on to something that's much greater...something that He's planned for me. Why am I still hurting even as I said that?

wow..my left arm is doing this twitching thing...so strange.

So, I'm breaking out. My skin is so badddd. One look at my face and you won't wanna eat a pizza. That's what it looks like. I have blemishes everywhere. I don't even know why. Maybe lack of sleep. Maybe TOM did that. Maybe stress. I dunno. I just wanna get rid of it. yuck.

Sorry...side tracked a lil. Alright, so I have this paper that I have to write for art history, and I really don't wanna do it. I actually don't even know how to start. It doesn't even make sense when I try to read the prompt. So I'm not gonna try to explain what the it is. Just wanna complain about it. It's so dumb. 3-4 pages of bullsheet. How will I do it? hmm..good question. I'll get a map tomorrow and look at the pictures I took. Maybe my creative juice will start flowing and I will come up with enough bs to fill 3 and 1/2 pages. That should be enough. eekkk.

Alright, I'm sleepy. Good night world. Sweet dreams.

Happiness

My happiness is not in your hands. You do make me happy, but like I said, it's not your responsibility to make me happy about everything about my life. You being here for me makes me happy. You supporting me makes me happy. You not giving up on me makes me happy. By that, I mean you're not letting this "situation" come between our friendship.

You're not hurting me. I'm hurting myself. I'm letting go of the hope I once had. I will keep my hope in His plans, but I'm letting go of selfishness. I'm letting go of what I want. I'm gonna learn to accept my life the way it is right now.

It's really hard, even as I write this. But I'm just really tired of fighting it. Fighting Him. I don't want to let go, but I think that's what He wants me to do. So, I'm gonna.

I don't want you to feel like it's your fault that I'm not happy. I'm only unhappy about certain aspects of my life.

You've done way too much for me.

Thank you.

so much.