The End of the Beginning

I'm about to leave to Big Bear. I decided to go at the time when I really needed to get away. Now, I feel torn between staying and leaving. It's funny how things can change in a matter of days, hours, minutes, and even seconds. Should I stay? I couldn't do that; not to the person who cared enough to ask me to come along. Do I want to stay? A big part of me wants to spend new year's eve at home. I consider many places home. But, I'm going and hopefully come back earlier if there's a ride back. Happy New Year...

All I Want For Christmas

Christmas is here. This used to be my favorite holiday, and in some ways, it still is. But, it's been pretty difficult and I really thought this Christmas would be a lot better than the last. It's okay though. There's a lot to be grateful for and to celebrate. The first and most important is that Christ is born. Second is that I get to gather with my big family to share good laughs and definitely good food. I have friends who truly care about me. Thank you for the cards I received and the gifts that surprised me. I know God is taking care of me.

Fr. Pat's homily was about the mystery of life. He said that love is a mystery. I agree. It's such a mystery that we do the things that we do for the people that we love. Sometimes, we don't really know exactly why we do these things. All we know is that we do it because of love.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this. It's 1:23 am Christmas day. I just felt like blogging a bit before heading off to bed.

I hope every had a great Christmas eve.

Merry Christmas!!

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a pretty long day. It's funny how, as we grow older, time seems to fly by a lot quicker. It's almost the end of 2009. I was just reflecting on this today while driving up to Harbor City to be with Emmanuel. We had a Christmas gathering today. I woke up at around 8 am today to go visit my dad and to decorate around his grave. This is our second year and I think it looks better than last. =]

Anyway, after that I went to Michael's to get more yarn for this scarf I'm knitting. (side note: my grandma is "talking" in her sleep right now. It's a bit scary because she's not really saying anything. All I'm hearing is her wailing.) So back to Michael's. Usually I take a really long time at Michael's because I LOVE that store. They have so many crafty things. I was looking for ribbons and gift wrapping paper to match and that took forever. Couldn't find the right one. So I got what I could and went to Target. I needed to get a gift for the game we played at the gathering anyway so I thought, maybe I'd find some boxes and gift wrap paper to match the ribbon that I bought. I didn't find the boxes but I did find the perfect gift wrap paper! It has the sort of the same design as the one on the ribbon. Oh...and the gift for the game. Kitchen Aid food chopper. haha. I would've taken my own gift back except that wasn't allowed. haha

So anyway, it was around 11:45 when I got home and I still needed to get ingredients to make french onion soup. I was also really hungry so I stopped by Carl's Jr. to pick up something small. When I finally got all the ingredients and came home, it was 12:40 or so. The meeting was to start at 2pm so I was rushing like CRAZY! I asked my grandma to cut the onions for me while I wrapped the present. I used to be pretty good at cutting onions, without tearing up and all. But now it just doesn't work anymore.

So...when everything was done and ready to go, it was 1:30 pm. I got on the road and managed to get there before most people came! That's what happens when I trust myself.

It was really nice to just be around good people again and to much on the random foods that people brought. I LOVE chi Tram's snow balls...they're delicious!

We talked about blessings today. What were our obvious blessings and what do we see or could see as a blessing in disguise? I really do like what I'm going through right now is a blessing in disguise. Although it doesn't feel very much like it, I try to look forward and remain hopeful. We all went to Mass after the meeting and I was awestruck. I loved the church, although, I don't remember what the name of it was. It's definitely structured the way Jesus must have imagined it to. The ushers were young adults, probably still in high school; there wasn't a choir but there was a little girl who was the cantor and two other little girls who played the flute. I was super tired coming there but the atmosphere of that church totally woke me up. This was my first time listening to a Deacon preach while in a Mass setting. He was really good! He said a lot of really cool things. First he gave a comparison which I thought was pretty clever. So, if a frog were to be placed in hot water, it would jump right out. But if you placed it in cold water and let the water gradually increase in temperature, the frog wouldn't notice and it would eventually die. A sinner is like the frog. We are all sinners so I guess we're like the frog. Hah. If we try to stop sinning completely, it wouldn't work. We'd jump right out. But if we slowly stop one sin at a time, the sinner in us can die. My explanation of it is definitely not as poetic as how the deacon explained it, but you get the picture.

One last thing that has been on my mind ever since Mass ended was when the deacon said, "When you receive something great, you have to let it go. You have to share that something with others. That's called Love." I'm pretty sure that was God's message to me. I mean, it just makes a lot of sense and I definitely relate. I've been preparing myself emotionally for when that time comes and it hasn't been easy but I will get there.

It's Only Just Begun

I've never felt this feeling before; to feel at peace but also a throbbing pain in my chest. A friend of mine was sharing about her journey and she said something that made me think about my own life. Maybe it wasn't a mistake that I've gone through all that I did. Maybe I was meant to go on this journey because God wanted me to grow from it. God trusted me enough to have led me down this path knowing that I would not give up.

I'm filled with so much gratitude right now; to know that God didn't leave me to walk down this path alone. He has sent his angels, people who have brought smiles to my face this past few days, to remind me that I'm not alone. Even though when the day ends, and night falls; when I'm in my bed reflecting on my day, and no one is by my side, I can rest in the comfort of knowing that He is there.

I can only go so far as to give and to forgive until I can't do it anymore; the rest is not up to me. I was blessed to have grown so much and to have learned so much from someone God has chosen specifically for this reason. Mistakes are only made when it is not after praying intensely to God.

It's strange that everything happened during this Advent season. It's a great time to reflect on the coming of Jesus and a brand new year.

I'm going to quote and friend's quote because it's just so appropriate at this time.

"We shall not cease from exploration/ And the end of all our exploring/ Will be to arrive where we started/ And know the place for the first time." ~ T.S. Eliot

Taken For A Fool

I may have been taken for a fool all this time. To think that there could be a possibility that I am the one and only, and then to have that dream shot down by things that people share with me about situations that only hurt me to hear about.

Who do I believe? What should I believe?

I've not been shown how much I really mean, so where do I go from here?

Why can't everyone just tell me the truth.