Attempt to Understand

I've been thinking a lot about why I keep allowing unnecessary things happen to me; specifically things that don't bring me happiness. Am I really strong or just foolish? I guess I AM stupid for love. I didn't understand what that meant when that was said to me. How can someone be stupid for my love? Well, I guess now I understand. I do stupid things just for a taste of "your" love.

I guess I'm truly a stubborn person. I don't like to give up. But I guess sometimes it's not such a bad idea to give up.

I don't like this instability and it's been a common theme in some of my relationships.

I feel blessed and not so blessed at the same time. Isn't that funny?

So I have a couple of questions that maybe those of you who read my blogs can help me to answer.

1. How do you help someone to grow? What does it mean to have a growth-filled relationship?
2. Do you agree with the saying "better to have something, than nothing at all"?

I have more questions. I just don't know how to phrase them yet. So, for now, that's it.

Anyway, I better pay attention in class.

It's just not right.

Why do we do this?

Did it feel right to you?

A Little Chance to Breathe...

As I'm waiting anxiously for my ride to get here, I thought I might just update on life and my current feelings about certain things.

I just started my Master's program, which has been great. I'm loving what I've learned so far and all my professors are wonderful. I made a couple of friends. We've already decided on when to go out for beers. Haha. What I'm excited the most about in this program besides being able to help others with their problems, is to be able to have a better sense of self; to know myself better and to make decisions that will be more healthy for me emotionally.

Since I quit my job at ThinkTogether, I'm still trying to find another job that's flexible enough so I can go to school full time. It hasn't been successful, partially because I've been traveling a lot. I'm so grateful to have this chance to just travel and great friends who've made it possible for me too. I haven't spent anything on flights thus far...which is a pretty huge blessing. However, I'm going back to Canada in 3 weeks. This time I'll have to buy my own ticket, but I'm still getting help from a friend who has mileage because he travels a lot for work...another blessing!

This time, I'm going to Canada to do some professional recording. Me and 3 other talented people are going to put together a CD to fundraise for next year's World Youth Day in Madrid. I'm sooooo excited to kick this project off! We're really gonna do this! At first, I just pitched the idea of having a concert to fundraise, but it somehow ended up to be a CD. haha.. I think we're going to have a concert too, to promote the CD. oh the excitement!!

Anyway, so rumors have been circulating and I don't really like it. It's funny that people say that I used to have a "thing" with them, when clearly I wasn't aware of that. If I didn't know we had a thing, that means we never had a thing, okay?!

I'm also very very confused...why was it easier before to be in my life and vice versa and now not? Don't answer that if you don't know what I'm really asking...thanks.

Anyway, I gotta go!

Wow...

So I was debating for a while...to delete or not to delete...Well I never deleted because I thought it was a bit immature. Well I guess it was done for me. Should I be thankful?

Should I also be thankful that I heard some news about a new person...which is gonna make it so much easier for me to leave?

Are you a coward?

I never thought so. I always chose to trust. I will continue to trust and give benefit of the doubt.

A Courageous Move

And so it is done. I celebrated my 23rd birthday and everything was beautiful. Just the way I had envisioned it. Well...there were many people I wanted to see, but I think due to different circumstances, I was not able to see them. There were some people I thought would surely text me a greeting but didn't even hear from. It's not even about not saying happy birthday to me that makes me sad. It makes me sad that we've become so disconnected for whatever reason. Many people will come into your life and then go. Only a few will come into your life and stay.

Anyway, I made a giant courageous move tonight. It was something that I had been too weak to do. I made a decision that was influenced more by God than it was by my heart or feelings. I know that one day, I will look back and be so thankful that God gave me the strength to do what I did tonight. I said the important things that I wanted to say. I will pray long and hard for hearts of stone to be soft again; for those who do not allow love to enter to lay down their fears and welcome Love with open arms.

I want to express my gratitude towards everyone who made my birthday an awesome one. You all have made my heart smile. =] I'm truly blessed and as I said to a friend of mine once- I may be walking on a rough road, but I'm in good Hands.

Here's a little prayer- my favorite prayer- to end this evening.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.