Lay All Your Love On Me

The title of this entry is the title to one of the many songs I sang this weekend at Java Jazz Jesus. This weekend for me, was filled with so many blessings. I'm in a band! A real band, with a drummer, key, guitar, and bass. Here's the crazy part though, one of the band members suggested that I learn the bass. LOL! Isn't that funny?! They said it would be more marketable because a girl in a band who can sing and play the bass is hot... I dunno...hot is probably not the word to describe me...maybe "out of her mind." LOL. I'm gonna give it a try because you never know til you try. We still haven't made up our minds about the band name yet, but that will be disclosed in a later blog I guess.

So anyway, I've sort of discovered love anew this past weekend. Discover Love Anew is I guess the catch phrase at the Caritas retreat I went on this past January. I've discovered that I can try to shut off my feelings but in all honesty, all the love that I have still remains. Despite the problems that may have led me to bitterness and resentment before, it all boils down to one thing... I still love.

It was a great feeling to see everyone again at the Caritas reunion. We had a taize prayer which moved me to tears, just like it did at the retreat. I think at that moment, I just felt a lot of love in that room. It was pretty overwhelming.

I had great conversations this weekend that allowed me to learn so much more about myself and about other people. I'm feeling butterflies in my stomach right now just thinking about it.

God really has a way.

i've learned to stop asking why questions and am beginning to ask how questions. Instead of asking "why are my classes such a mess and why isn't there another class I can take so that I won't be missing Mustard Seeds again? Or, why did I get a b+ in a class that I was confident I was going to ace?", I'm beginning to ask, questions like "how can I work my schedule out so that even if I can't come to the meeting, I can still hang out with Hat Cai? and How can I better my study habits so that I will get A's this last quarter?"

Those are just examples. I find that avoiding the "why" questions really helps me to explore the "process" more then just dwelling on what has already happened. It's hard still and I sometimes resort back to asking why, but I'm making a big effort to avoid it. Thank you anh for enlightening me. =]

There's only so much time in a day for us to do what we want to do. If we spend half of it complaining, that's half of it that we've wasted.

This is my last quarter and I want to make it the best. I have great friends who I know will make my last quarter at UCI GREAT! Everything that I've experienced up to this point has made me who I am right now. I'm grateful for all the struggles I went through and even more grateful for all the great moments I've experienced. I refuse to have senioritis! I'm being offered such a great opportunity, that many people only dream of, to learn in a great environment. It may have taken me 4 years to feel this way about my education, but changes start somewhere, and I'm just excited that I have one last chance in my undergrad to do really really well.

It's too bad that I got bad grades throughout my 4 years at UCI, but it's the past. I can't change it and I really don't want to waste my time feeling guilty and sorry that I didn't try as hard as I should have. The present moment is what I'm interested in now. The choices that I've made may not have been very smart, but I still have choices now. I still have a choice to do well, so that's what I'm going to do!

Yay to great friends, family, and God!

Mission Accomplished

It was 1:04am. I took out a pen and a note pad. I began jotting down whatever was running through my mind of memories I had of the last 6 years of my life. If I had written down everything that I could remember, I would probably finish the whole note pad, but I ended at, if I can remember correctly, 6 pages. Somehow, writing it all down made me feel good. I no longer felt pain, or at least the pain I had once felt for a while. This was the beginning of the end. I said my last goodbye...well, not directly.

I checked my phone and 2 hours had gone by. I set my alarm for 6am, said my prayer, and went to sleep...well, I tried to. It wasn't long before I was awakened by the sound of my phone's alarm. I wiped my eyes and did a little stretch. I laid in bed for a couple of seconds thinking, boy, I slept through the night and today's the day. I got up in the midst of darkness, put on a jacket and head out.

My mission was about to begin as I turned on the ignition. "Oh no!" I said. The engine was dying on me and the only thing that was keeping it going was my foot on the gas pedal. If I let go, the engine would've died. I was determined, though, to set out before sunrise. So, with one foot on the gas pedal and the other on the breaks, I reversed and drove out of my driveway. Low and behold, the engine kept going. It didn't die! Success!

So I began driving. My heart was beating a bit faster than usual because of the anticipation. I hadn't driven down this road in so long. Before I knew it, I was making a left turn into the neighborhood. As I came closer, I felt my foot lift from the pedal. As I slowly drove up to the corner, I took in a deep breath.

Now, I had to be quick on my feet and as discreet as possible. I carried it to the front door, took a second to feel the presence of those sleeping inside, and laid it down as gently as possible. I, then, felt the urge to run, so I ran to my car, shut the door, took in another deep breath, and drove away.

I was proud of myself. I was doing so well...until...I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't help it but it was okay to be vulnerable. I just allowed my tears to flow. That was it. It was done, and I drove home alone.

"For he's a jolly good fellow..."

Take Me As I Am

The other night I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy. I think I mentioned it in my last entry. Anyway, I was bawling half-way through the show. In this episode (you probably shouldn't read this if you haven't seen it yet, I don't want to ruin it for you), there was a patience who's face was disfigured. It was probably from an accident or something but half of his face was sort of cut off (Sorry for the lack of better words). For years, he corresponded with some people through the internet who had become his friends. When they heard he was going to go through surgery for something, they decided to come visit him and to give him support. Mind you, these people had no idea what he looked like but they flew from different areas to come see him. When they came, he panicked and yelled for them to leave. I felt really bad for his friends because they flew in to see him...these friends who have never seen him in real life. It was an old African American woman, a middle-aged Caucasian man and woman.

Dr. Sloan, the surgeon who was going to operate on him, told him that he cannot have the surgery on his own. He needs his friends there for support and something else i can't remember. He said that he didn't want them to see the horror on his face. He didn't want to scare them away because they were his only friends. But, after the talk he was willing to see his friends again.

His friends came back. They came in to see him before his surgery and saw his face. The old woman went up to him, held his hand and kissed his cheek. This was when I started bawling. The unconditional love that these three people had for this one person that they've never met, and have only chatted with online, is so powerful. This episode sent such a great message to my heart. It made me realize that i also have friends who love me unconditionally.

I don't really know why but I noticed that I've been writing a lot about unconditional love. I guess it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately. It's also funny that I decided to go to mass again today at 6:30pm. Father Ben's homily was about unconditional love too. It's everywhere! He talked about the movie Kiterunner. I wanna see it now. =]

If anyone wants to join me, let me know and I'll get the movie. Yay movie with friends! How awesome would that be? Not as awesome as God but it's pretty darn awesome.

Okay, I think my eyes are getting a lil tired so that may be a call for me to go to bed.

So good night world! and don't forget to pray!

1:30 AM...

It's 1:30am. I've watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy and an episode of Ugly Betty.I still can't sleep. My baby cousin just had another surgery. He's about 2 months old and he's already gone through two surgeries. Right now, he's breathing through a tube. I just can't imagine what my aunt and uncle are feeling right now. I keep thinking...my brokenness is nothing compared to what they're going through. I fear of someone walking out of my life while my aunt and uncle are fearing for the life of their child. How selfish could I be to victimize myself when my family is going through something far worse.

This extreme disappointment I have in myself has begun to unleash. I haven't been around physically and psychologically lately. My mind has been preoccupied with thoughts that I wish to terminate. I think I'm beginning to feel exactly what it's like to really let go.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. No one can take away my ability to love unconditionally, even if I'm broken.

You weren't there tonight but I had great laughs and I still love. So, I'm living out my motto and that matters a whole lot to me right now.

Broken And Beautiful - Mark Schultz

Heaven

This is what I call heaven after a long week of finals. I still have one last final tomorrow but I'm not very focused on that right now because....




That, my friends, is called a Tin Roof Sundae. mmYummm.

It's so wonderful to be savoring a nice piece of heaven before I have to get back to the books.

Beatles and the 60's, here I come!