What's on my mind?

Why do you doubt me? Why do you doubt us?

What is doubt?

doubt
–verb
1. to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
2. to distrust.
3. to fear; be apprehensive about.

I guess I also had this doubt, but is it still a doubt if I continue to believe that we can be one, and that we can be one with Him?

I had a good conversation with a friend, Thomas Flowers. He's in his second year with the Novitiate. In another 9 years, he will become a Jesuit priest. He offered a lot of insight that I guess had been on my mind but I just needed someone who's actually experiencing the same thing to give me his perspective.

He said," now is a good time for YOU to discern what YOU want to do. Discern whether your choices will be worthwhile for you and will provide you with consolation. Don't discern someone else's future."

I know it's a confusing time, no matter how much you try to hide it. I'm not as strong as you are I guess. I can't hide it as well. I'm pretty confused, but it's during times like these that I feel myself getting closer to Him.

Thank you for saying hello...especially when I was thinking of you. =)

Strong Enough

I'm not strong enough to live this life without You. I'm not strong enough to endure all this pain. I'm not strong enough to completely trust that things will be better. But You were strong enough to carry that cross for us. You were strong enough to endure the pain of nails piercing through your hands and feet all because of Your love for us. You are strong enough.

Teach me to be strong like You. I'm so weak and I feel myself fighting this weakness everyday. Help me to lay it all down. I want to lay it all down. I want to rest in You. My heart is restless Lord. It continues to ask "why?" I want to believe that this is only temporary and that my patience will be rewarded, but Lord, my humanness gets in the way sometimes.

When will I be made whole again?

Could It Be

Today I got a flyer in the mail that said this:

"Once upon a time there was a person who swore they would love you forever. Their love moved on but your love stayed in the same place. Consider the opportunity to love the greatest of all blessings, even when love doesn't go your way. The love you give is the love you get and it is all good no matter where love takes you. Let the ability to love another belong to you forever and ever because real love stories never end. When the call comes you know. You see all people and all living things as beacons of light and they see you as the same. Together you love and together you transform. It is a divine journey to the highest and the best parts of who you are and why you are here. Your age becomes your ally. With each day and each act of love you become more beautiful than the day before. You have unconditionally arrived realizing the love you sought was the love you already owned."

This is the most inspiring and thought-provoking message I've ever gotten from a cosmetics ad for Philosophy products. Could it be that this is one of God's message to me. A message of reassurance perhaps? I don't really know. All I know is this is what I'll keep reminding myself:"Let the ability to love another belong to you..."

Blessed but unloved

My heart is still searching for a sign that You love me. I feel so blessed to have great friends, a loving family, and great opportunities and I thank You everyday. But why don't I feel loved by You? Would I be in so much pain? Would I have to work so hard to turn a frown into a smile? If You loved me, why would I be going through this?

There are times when I would get this feeling of reassurance that this is a test of humility and of my unconditional love for You. The question I continue to ask myself everyday is: Should I continue to love You even though I don't feel Your love? My heart longs for You. I wish there was something that You could do to reassure me that You haven't abandoned me. I've felt so abandoned and my lonely heart continues to seek for Your love.

After much thought, I was able to face my pride and chose to walk through the road of humility just to let you know that I love you. My wish has always been to be the one to make you happy. It's through little acts of love for you that I was able to find happiness.

I continue to fight this struggle. The struggle of who's love I should really be searching for. Although I don't feel love from neither end, the love I should really be searching for alone is the love of God. Although I don't feel it, I know that I am loved by Him. My heart beats because of Him. Now, it needs to beat FOR Him.

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you...

like the smell of Old Spice that lingered as I passed by some random drama guy...

or listening to Come Away With Me by Norah Jones.

This heart still tries to smile through the cuts and bruises. Only one thing remains that leaves me feeling some kind of consolation. That is...the image of your smile and praying that your smiles reflect pure happiness.

This is God's message to me today.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life


Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go