Beauty

I'm sitting right in front of HIB 100 right now. Today's a pretty nice sunny day. The weather is a bit awkward, or maybe it's just me. The sun is acting as my blanket right now. Parts of my legs are warm because it's in the sun, and parts of me are hidden by the shade. I think I'd rather feel all warmth rather than just parts of my body. I think I should make a drastic change to my appearance. Maybe get a new hair style, cut, dye...I dunno. Summer's here, and I feel like I should cut my hair. We'll see. Maybe I'll surprise a couple of people...maybe even myself. hah.

I miss the weather in Thailand. It was just perfect. Not too hot, not too cold. I love the warm feeling even when there's breeze. I'll try to describe this. hmm...let''s see...it's not when you feel comfortable in the warm weather, but it's not hot and you're not sweating...yea..like that...and then when there's breeze, it's not cold breeze that gives you chills...that's what I'm feeling right now...but what I want is in Thailand. heh.

I'm not sure how good I'm able to hide it, but I really miss my dad. Knowing that I will never see him again, never breathe in his air, never feel his warmth from the hugs he gives, never be able to share a meal with him...I want to cry, but I can't. It's worse when you can't cry for someone you love. You've been so shocked by it, that you've become so cold...and then when you're alone, driving in your car, or home alone....when you feel that emptiness and loneliness, you start to bawl.

I still don't feel like all of this is real. I still don't want to accept that my dad is gone. WHYY!!! This makes me so angry! When will I ever be ok again? when will we ever be ok again?? We will never be the same...IT will never be the same. My dad brought so much joy into our lives, and now...all we feel is pain. I see pain, feel pain, breathe pain...

Sometimes I feel like letting go...like joining my dad. I can't do that though, because my mom's here. She is hurting most and it is selfish of me to think of myself. That's why I'm still here. I'm here for her, for my grandma, for my brother. I used to be afraid of death, but death isn't so bad now.

This is pretty emo. Speaking of death and all...but I know for sure that I will continue to live. I will continue to carry this cross that God's given me. I will continue to trust. I will continue to love.