Courage

I did what I thought was impossible to do. I took the risk and just said what I should have said a long time ago with great hope that it will turn this all around and that I'll find peace. It took me a while to get to writing it down, and it took me even longer to hit the send button but I know that it's for the best.

I don't understand how there's such a good guy standing right in front of me, willing to give me anything I needed, willing to take care of me and my family forever, and willing to fully commit...but I can't feel anything. Why does this world have to be so complicated? Okay, maybe not this world, but my world just can't be simple. Because of courtesy and respect, boundaries cannot be crossed, especially when you're all part of such a close-knit community. The good thing is I'm still just 22. I guess it could be worse but I have all this time to explore. Broken hearts are inevitable right? That just means I had a chance to love and be loved.

I wish I could write about more interesting things but somehow my blogs are almost always, or related to, love. Can't help it, it's part of my every day life.

Okay, let's talk about something different. I got a job working with kids. At first, it was just a sub-position. So, whenever someone calls in sick, I fill in for them. My title is sub-program leader. Every elementary and middle school in the SAUSD has an afterschool program called Think Together. As a program leader, we are in charge of a classroom of kids. Well, I got called in to sub for a whole week at Taft Elementary. When I walked in, the other PLs were updating me on what happened. My class is the most rowdy; they even made the last sub cry. What had happened was that their PL got promoted to site coordinator, so they got another PL. This new guy didn't really have good control over the class so the kids really took advantage of him. He decided to leave without telling his class (I guess because he couldn't take them) so then a sub was assigned to them. That's the one they made cry. Well, now it was my turn to either whip them into shape, or quit like the others.

I'm not a quitter, at least, not when it comes to this kind of stuff. Stubborn people tend to be this way. heh. Anyway, so I came in and yes, they were trying to fool me. They were really noisy, mischievous, and disrespectful. Even when I was yelling and reprimanding some of them, they just laughed at me. I wasn't going to tolerate that kind of behavior. So, first I thought of an incentive for their good behavior. I bought prizes and told them that by the end of the week, if they were good, they would be able to pick out a prize. I thought I would stay only for a week so it would be fun to give out prizes. Well, the prizes worked. Most of them were very well behaved. At the end of the week, they even said they didn't want me to go. I know much of it was due to the fact that I brought them stuff. So, I didn't want to just give up on them. I know that one of the main reasons why they misbehave is because they're the only class that does not have a stable PL. So, I spoke to the Site Coordinator and now, I'm their permanent PL.

Well, it has been pretty bad. I didn't bring prizes and told them that they have to be good even when I don't have prizes for them. They blatantly said, " I was only good so that I could get the prize." It made me pretty upset. I came back in on Wednesday and they were not being good at all. Some of them are adorable and are good all the time. But there are some that really get of my last nerve. So, today, I was pretty mean. I told them that there will be no warnings or chances. They would've had more fun with the prizes had they been good, but because they act the way that they do, I was going to start giving consequences for bad behaviors instead. So, I scared them with the Behavior Notification Forms, and boy were they quit then. I hate being mean to these kids, but I don't get paid enough to yell and use so much of my energy. I really feel like I'm getting sick because of having to raise my voice all the time. My "condition" has been pretty bad. My thyroid has been pretty good til the last couple of days. It has been so inflamed. On top of that, my ribs are still hurting pretty badly. I don't think the yelling helps. If it doesn't go away by next week, I probably will have to go get it checked out. I know I didn't fracture anything, but what if something is wrong inside. Please pray for me...and for the kids I'm working with.

Alright, I just took a vicodin and getting pretty drowsy. Hope for a better day tomorrow. May God walk with me and grant me strength.

Have a good night everybody! God bless you!