The words "hope" and "faith" have been appearing a lot. It's almost like this is a prime time to have a lot of hope and faith. I went to watch a movie called "Legion" today. It was a very interesting movie. The message was pretty powerful.
CAUTION: If you're going to watch the movie please skip this part where I basically would ruin it for you by telling what the movie's about.
The movie begins with a woman talking about how she and her mom would talk about the prophecies; how there's going to be darkness in the world and fate of mankind will be decided. Her mom said that God was mad at his children because He was tired of all the "bullshit."
The woman talking is carrying a child who was supposed to change the fate of mankind; to save mankind. God lost faith in man and wanted to destroy mankind. He sent Angel Michael to make sure that the baby was not born because that would change the fate of mankind. Angel Michael still had faith and hope for mankind and wanted to convince God but Angel Gabriel wanted to please God.
Angel Michael comes to protect the baby before Angel Gabriel came to destroy him.
Both angels fought and Gabriel kills Michael.
When Gabriel caught up to the baby and was about to kill him, Michael comes down. Gabriel was surprised to see Michael because he had killed him. When he asked how Michael was able to come back, Michael said that it was because he helped God to have hope and faith again.
* * * * *
I loved the message and it was stirring a lot of feelings inside of me. I continue to be hopeful and faithful to the promise He has given. I also need to accept my limitations and know that I cannot handle everything all at once. I need to take one step at a time. I need to give myself space to heal. I wasn't sure what loving from a distance meant before but I think I'm starting to understand. Even though I need to stay away for awhile, I will always be there.
And to the one who has been so good to me during this time... God will provide. I can't give you what you want, but I'll always try to give you what you need. Thank you for being such a great friend to me. You deserve someone great; someone whose heart is full enough to reciprocate the same kind of love.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Courage
I did what I thought was impossible to do. I took the risk and just said what I should have said a long time ago with great hope that it will turn this all around and that I'll find peace. It took me a while to get to writing it down, and it took me even longer to hit the send button but I know that it's for the best.
I don't understand how there's such a good guy standing right in front of me, willing to give me anything I needed, willing to take care of me and my family forever, and willing to fully commit...but I can't feel anything. Why does this world have to be so complicated? Okay, maybe not this world, but my world just can't be simple. Because of courtesy and respect, boundaries cannot be crossed, especially when you're all part of such a close-knit community. The good thing is I'm still just 22. I guess it could be worse but I have all this time to explore. Broken hearts are inevitable right? That just means I had a chance to love and be loved.
I wish I could write about more interesting things but somehow my blogs are almost always, or related to, love. Can't help it, it's part of my every day life.
Okay, let's talk about something different. I got a job working with kids. At first, it was just a sub-position. So, whenever someone calls in sick, I fill in for them. My title is sub-program leader. Every elementary and middle school in the SAUSD has an afterschool program called Think Together. As a program leader, we are in charge of a classroom of kids. Well, I got called in to sub for a whole week at Taft Elementary. When I walked in, the other PLs were updating me on what happened. My class is the most rowdy; they even made the last sub cry. What had happened was that their PL got promoted to site coordinator, so they got another PL. This new guy didn't really have good control over the class so the kids really took advantage of him. He decided to leave without telling his class (I guess because he couldn't take them) so then a sub was assigned to them. That's the one they made cry. Well, now it was my turn to either whip them into shape, or quit like the others.
I'm not a quitter, at least, not when it comes to this kind of stuff. Stubborn people tend to be this way. heh. Anyway, so I came in and yes, they were trying to fool me. They were really noisy, mischievous, and disrespectful. Even when I was yelling and reprimanding some of them, they just laughed at me. I wasn't going to tolerate that kind of behavior. So, first I thought of an incentive for their good behavior. I bought prizes and told them that by the end of the week, if they were good, they would be able to pick out a prize. I thought I would stay only for a week so it would be fun to give out prizes. Well, the prizes worked. Most of them were very well behaved. At the end of the week, they even said they didn't want me to go. I know much of it was due to the fact that I brought them stuff. So, I didn't want to just give up on them. I know that one of the main reasons why they misbehave is because they're the only class that does not have a stable PL. So, I spoke to the Site Coordinator and now, I'm their permanent PL.
Well, it has been pretty bad. I didn't bring prizes and told them that they have to be good even when I don't have prizes for them. They blatantly said, " I was only good so that I could get the prize." It made me pretty upset. I came back in on Wednesday and they were not being good at all. Some of them are adorable and are good all the time. But there are some that really get of my last nerve. So, today, I was pretty mean. I told them that there will be no warnings or chances. They would've had more fun with the prizes had they been good, but because they act the way that they do, I was going to start giving consequences for bad behaviors instead. So, I scared them with the Behavior Notification Forms, and boy were they quit then. I hate being mean to these kids, but I don't get paid enough to yell and use so much of my energy. I really feel like I'm getting sick because of having to raise my voice all the time. My "condition" has been pretty bad. My thyroid has been pretty good til the last couple of days. It has been so inflamed. On top of that, my ribs are still hurting pretty badly. I don't think the yelling helps. If it doesn't go away by next week, I probably will have to go get it checked out. I know I didn't fracture anything, but what if something is wrong inside. Please pray for me...and for the kids I'm working with.
Alright, I just took a vicodin and getting pretty drowsy. Hope for a better day tomorrow. May God walk with me and grant me strength.
Have a good night everybody! God bless you!
I don't understand how there's such a good guy standing right in front of me, willing to give me anything I needed, willing to take care of me and my family forever, and willing to fully commit...but I can't feel anything. Why does this world have to be so complicated? Okay, maybe not this world, but my world just can't be simple. Because of courtesy and respect, boundaries cannot be crossed, especially when you're all part of such a close-knit community. The good thing is I'm still just 22. I guess it could be worse but I have all this time to explore. Broken hearts are inevitable right? That just means I had a chance to love and be loved.
I wish I could write about more interesting things but somehow my blogs are almost always, or related to, love. Can't help it, it's part of my every day life.
Okay, let's talk about something different. I got a job working with kids. At first, it was just a sub-position. So, whenever someone calls in sick, I fill in for them. My title is sub-program leader. Every elementary and middle school in the SAUSD has an afterschool program called Think Together. As a program leader, we are in charge of a classroom of kids. Well, I got called in to sub for a whole week at Taft Elementary. When I walked in, the other PLs were updating me on what happened. My class is the most rowdy; they even made the last sub cry. What had happened was that their PL got promoted to site coordinator, so they got another PL. This new guy didn't really have good control over the class so the kids really took advantage of him. He decided to leave without telling his class (I guess because he couldn't take them) so then a sub was assigned to them. That's the one they made cry. Well, now it was my turn to either whip them into shape, or quit like the others.
I'm not a quitter, at least, not when it comes to this kind of stuff. Stubborn people tend to be this way. heh. Anyway, so I came in and yes, they were trying to fool me. They were really noisy, mischievous, and disrespectful. Even when I was yelling and reprimanding some of them, they just laughed at me. I wasn't going to tolerate that kind of behavior. So, first I thought of an incentive for their good behavior. I bought prizes and told them that by the end of the week, if they were good, they would be able to pick out a prize. I thought I would stay only for a week so it would be fun to give out prizes. Well, the prizes worked. Most of them were very well behaved. At the end of the week, they even said they didn't want me to go. I know much of it was due to the fact that I brought them stuff. So, I didn't want to just give up on them. I know that one of the main reasons why they misbehave is because they're the only class that does not have a stable PL. So, I spoke to the Site Coordinator and now, I'm their permanent PL.
Well, it has been pretty bad. I didn't bring prizes and told them that they have to be good even when I don't have prizes for them. They blatantly said, " I was only good so that I could get the prize." It made me pretty upset. I came back in on Wednesday and they were not being good at all. Some of them are adorable and are good all the time. But there are some that really get of my last nerve. So, today, I was pretty mean. I told them that there will be no warnings or chances. They would've had more fun with the prizes had they been good, but because they act the way that they do, I was going to start giving consequences for bad behaviors instead. So, I scared them with the Behavior Notification Forms, and boy were they quit then. I hate being mean to these kids, but I don't get paid enough to yell and use so much of my energy. I really feel like I'm getting sick because of having to raise my voice all the time. My "condition" has been pretty bad. My thyroid has been pretty good til the last couple of days. It has been so inflamed. On top of that, my ribs are still hurting pretty badly. I don't think the yelling helps. If it doesn't go away by next week, I probably will have to go get it checked out. I know I didn't fracture anything, but what if something is wrong inside. Please pray for me...and for the kids I'm working with.
Alright, I just took a vicodin and getting pretty drowsy. Hope for a better day tomorrow. May God walk with me and grant me strength.
Have a good night everybody! God bless you!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Good Goodbyes
Is there such a thing as a good goodbye?
I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I used to think that TV dramas, especially Korean dramas, are dramatic because they leave things out to create the drama but in reality, it wouldn't be that way.
For example.
Say there's two guys and a girl. The girl loves one of the guys (guy #1), but can't tell him because the two guys are best friends and the other guy (guy #2) loves her. There's a big love triangle but things can't be spoken.
That's just one example, but I feel like there's a possibility that my life could be that dramatic too. There are things that I can't say for the sake of someone else, even though I'm being ridiculed for it. I guess it's okay though, because as long as I know I'm doing the right thing, then it doesn't matter what people think. God knows and that's all that matters.
I've been debating about whether or not to stick around. I'm not sure that I can. At least not now. I feel like I've tried to keep the water running for as long as I could, and it might have run dry already. I didn't listen to anyone when they told me about my self-worth. I'm beginning to see where I stand.
God is definitely taking care of me through my community of friends. I didn't know that I would be joining everyone in Mammoth last weekend. I actually got my mom's approvable and packed in 10 minutes on Friday night. We headed out to Mammoth at around midnight when everyone was picked up. It was almost like it was meant to happen. I snowboarded for the first time! Mammoth snow is the best! It's so soft and fluffy. Falling on my butt has never been so much fun! Except during the second round, when it got windy and I was overly confident. I ate it, and fell on my ribs. It's still bruised up from the inside, but advil helped ease the pain. Mammoth was truly a beautiful place to be. During the lift, I got to see the slopes from up high. It was so beautiful and white! It made me think. I would've missed out on this had things been different.
I really believe that if you really want something, you'll do anything to get it. I did everything I could for what I wanted and I will continue to do everything in my power to preserve happiness, even if I have to go through the pain first.
I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I used to think that TV dramas, especially Korean dramas, are dramatic because they leave things out to create the drama but in reality, it wouldn't be that way.
For example.
Say there's two guys and a girl. The girl loves one of the guys (guy #1), but can't tell him because the two guys are best friends and the other guy (guy #2) loves her. There's a big love triangle but things can't be spoken.
That's just one example, but I feel like there's a possibility that my life could be that dramatic too. There are things that I can't say for the sake of someone else, even though I'm being ridiculed for it. I guess it's okay though, because as long as I know I'm doing the right thing, then it doesn't matter what people think. God knows and that's all that matters.
I've been debating about whether or not to stick around. I'm not sure that I can. At least not now. I feel like I've tried to keep the water running for as long as I could, and it might have run dry already. I didn't listen to anyone when they told me about my self-worth. I'm beginning to see where I stand.
God is definitely taking care of me through my community of friends. I didn't know that I would be joining everyone in Mammoth last weekend. I actually got my mom's approvable and packed in 10 minutes on Friday night. We headed out to Mammoth at around midnight when everyone was picked up. It was almost like it was meant to happen. I snowboarded for the first time! Mammoth snow is the best! It's so soft and fluffy. Falling on my butt has never been so much fun! Except during the second round, when it got windy and I was overly confident. I ate it, and fell on my ribs. It's still bruised up from the inside, but advil helped ease the pain. Mammoth was truly a beautiful place to be. During the lift, I got to see the slopes from up high. It was so beautiful and white! It made me think. I would've missed out on this had things been different.
I really believe that if you really want something, you'll do anything to get it. I did everything I could for what I wanted and I will continue to do everything in my power to preserve happiness, even if I have to go through the pain first.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Love is patient...
It's a blessing for me to have had so many distractions these past few days. I met really awesome people that I know will help me grow in many ways. But now that it's all coming to an end, I feel like I have to work a lot harder to keep my mind centered. I wait with my expectations and I'm letting things be so that things may be clearer.
I'm giving so much by holding back and I believe that God will ignite that fire when the right time comes.
I'm giving so much by holding back and I believe that God will ignite that fire when the right time comes.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Resolutions
It's been a long four days and I've realized a lot of things about myself through talking to certain people that came on the trip. I'm glad I stayed rather than leaving home early on Friday. God must have been responsible for my change of mind.
There are many new things I learned from observation and from the things people have shared with me. I'm not really sure why all of this is happening right now, but I'm going to continue to pray about this and hope that God will shed some light on it and make things clearer for me.
I'm beginning to learn how to really love myself. It's such an amazing feeling when I can just feel at peace about letting something go. I'm beginning to believe that some risks are worth taking.
My new year's resolutions:
Remind myself of my self-worth
Take risks
Be firm about what I want
Be honest about what I don't want
Begin and end with a prayer
Make an effort to balance out the amount of time I spend with friends and with family
I think those are the most important things I want to work on this year. If I come up with more, I'll make sure to add it to the list. But, I think this is a pretty good list. =]
There are many new things I learned from observation and from the things people have shared with me. I'm not really sure why all of this is happening right now, but I'm going to continue to pray about this and hope that God will shed some light on it and make things clearer for me.
I'm beginning to learn how to really love myself. It's such an amazing feeling when I can just feel at peace about letting something go. I'm beginning to believe that some risks are worth taking.
My new year's resolutions:
Remind myself of my self-worth
Take risks
Be firm about what I want
Be honest about what I don't want
Begin and end with a prayer
Make an effort to balance out the amount of time I spend with friends and with family
I think those are the most important things I want to work on this year. If I come up with more, I'll make sure to add it to the list. But, I think this is a pretty good list. =]
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