My heart's racing right now. I'm not sure if I'm angry, nervous, anxious, or any other feeling that would make my heart race. I know that I hope, and I keep on hoping that somehow you would reach out to me, but the truth is, I'm not even on your mind.
You used to call me just to hear my voice. When you were in VN, I used to call your phone, just to hear your voice from your voice message, or I would listen to the messages you left on mine.
I was on facebook today when you were on. You were confused about why you were signed on. I was hoping you'd IM me. I guess an excuse to ease my heart would be that you don't really use facebook chat because it's new and weird. I hope it was that.
I wonder what you do during the day, everday. I wonder if there's ever a moment where you thought about me or if the thoughts that consumed your mind were of others. I wonder if you ever look at the phone to see if you had a missed call from me. I wonder if you ever dialed my number and hung up...at least you dialed.
Remember when we went to the garden and we sat by the bamboo trees....I wonder if our names are still there.
Remember when I was sick one time and you hung a bag full of goodies by my window and told me to look outside? OH! remember when you came down from LA and brought me goodies cus I told you I was feeling sick that day?
Remember when I came to visit you in LA and I waited for 3 hours because you didn't answer your phone? I would've waited longer if I had to.
Remember when we went to Irvine Park for a special day, but it was closed so we went to Turtle Rock, and still had loads of fun playing frizbee and watching the ducks? I made spaghetti that day and you bought me pickles cus I liked them. You had rose petals all over my room and sunflowers too.
Oh, that one special day when you had one surprise after another for me. First, a card, then balloons, then more balloons, then chocolate that spelled out I love you in my car and rose petals all over the car...and you made a mix for me. I still have that cd.
Remember chango, oso, and gatito? They miss you.
Remember when you stayed over for a weekend, and I made you dinner. I was frustrated because I had ruined something I was cooking and we had to go to Albertson's to buy frozen vegetables. I really wanted it to be perfect.
All those times you surprised me and I surprised you.
That time we laid on your roof to watch the stars and we talked about our younger days.
That time I woke up in VN and thought it was a dream because you were there with me. I'm still in awe.
That time we arrived in Ha Noi, had a very nice dinner, and I cried after the taxi took you back to the place you stayed at for EAP. Wait, you didn't know that.
You know, I could go on forever, but you get the point. Reminiscing about this brings me both joy and sadness. Joy, because I was so blessed to have experienced it with you; sadness, because I no longer have that chance.
All this time, I've been holding on when that is the most selfish thing to do. I've been making it hard for you to move on. I want you to be happy, and if that means I have to let you go, then I will.
I just hope that you'll find the courage to tell me what is really on your mind.
I know God is testing me and sometimes I feel like I'm failing. I fail to believe that He is all that I need. Although I've lost someone so so close to me, my flesh and blood, and someone who I've given so much of my life and devotion to, I have HIM. It is so difficult to accept this, but I want to pass the test. I won't force myself to think this way. I will believe. Give me time.
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