Every little bit hurts

I've probably used this title for another blog but I can't think of anything else that could express the way I feel right now. It hurts. My heart hurts. I drove home last night crying...out of anger! I guess the alcohol in me helped me to release because I have been holding it in and suppressing my feelings for too long. I miss my dad so much! I want him to be here right now! He would make things so much better! In the midst of all this confusion, frustration, pain, etc, he would make it all better. HE WOULD MAKE IT ALL BETTER!

I HATE seeing my mom try to hold back her tears. I HATE knowing that when I'm not at home during the night and my mom is in bed, that she's crying her eyes out. I HATE knowing that I'm hurting people I don't wanna hurt, in the worst way, all because I don't know what to do. I HATE wanting something that I can only have half of.



WHY?!!!

Is it my fault that I don't feel a certain way? If you think that it's your appearance that's keeping me from reciprocating the feeling, then you're just saying that I'm shallow! It has nothing to do with the way you look! It has to do with the way I feel! Please don't blame yourself because I'm not giving you the answer that you want.

I wanna think that God will make a way because there is no way for me. I don't wanna play Hero and pretend like I'm alright, but I don't wanna play patient and spread my disease to others. Sadness is the worst disease. It can't be cured.