Do I ever cross your mind anytime? Do you ever wake up reaching out for me? I miss you....I'm crying myself to sleep..wonderin' bout tomorrow...

That's what I'm listening to right now. It's not a song that really describes my mood at the moment but it's playing and it's a classic from Brian Mcknight so I couldn't pass it. Hah. Four Seasons of Loneliness is playing now. You know, none of these songs really reflect how I'm feeling right now...except this line...life's empty, without you by my side. Yea, it really doesn't feel the same. hmm...this is great. If I could just read what I'm writing out loud as the songs are playing, it would work so well. What I'm feeling is numbness. I feel like I'm numb to emotions. I just feel empty and numb, like I'm cold. Man, listening to slow jams is crazy. I remember when I used to listen to them at night and I would start crying because of the lyrics sometimes and how I was able to relate to the song and everything. Now, I don't know what to feel. Just emptiness. Am I possibly trying to subconscious guard myself from getting hurt? I dunno. You know how sometimes you're so hungry that after a while, you just don't feel the hunger anymore? I think that's how I feel, but not hunger.

I wish I was stronger. I'd be able to stop complaining about how stressful I am about things that are coming way too quickly like grad school applications, GRE testing, field study, etc, etc. Complaining only takes up the time that I can spend doing something about it. If I had a few months left to live, how would I live it? It's really hard to answer that question because I seriously don't know how strong I would be if I knew I was dying. I know that one thing I need to do is take one thing at a time. I've been looking at the big picture way too much that I'm not working on the steps that will lead to that big picture. My goal now is to just take one thing at a time and try not to complain.

The fact that I can't sleep even though I'm super tired says a lot about how many things are streaming through my mind.

I'm gonna try to sleep now. My laptop is getting really hot and I'm sweating.

Have a good night.