How to Just Be

I've noticed that I put off a lot of things; mainly to do things that I feel are in the immediate present; things that are urgent. I put off taking care of myself (as if that wasn't urgent, or important). It's really frustrating when you find yourself wanting to do so much but you just can't--or rather, you're not allowed to. That was kind of random wasn't it? I was thinking about something that someone had said on Grey's anatomy that made me think about something else. Hunt told Yang "I want to love you! Why won't you let me?!" So, it's one thing to love someone. It's another to allow them to. Interesting.

I've been having a lot of dreams that end up being unresolved. For example, I dreamt that I was going to see someone...the anticipation and excitement of seeing this person felt so real to me. I never got to see the person though. I remembered walking down the street and passing this house. I heard a barber shop quartet singing. I could've sworn I was smiling in reality.

I've been thinking too much about getting everything done all at once, when I really should just let it be and take things one step at a time. I can't rush the healing process. I owe it to myself to create this space.

On another note, I hate going to see a doctor and I hate needles- especially the ones that suck blood out of you. I know I should go get it done since I haven't and it's really bad that I haven't, but it just drains me when I have to mentally prepare for it all the time. This is such an inconvenient phobia.

At any rate, I didn't get everything on my to do list done today, but I'm glad I was able to completely finish something. It's tiring but when I can finish my mom's work for her and knowing that she's not having the back pain that comes from doing this job, makes it such a great accomplishment.

I'm starting to get hungry again, and I'm pretty close to making myself a bowl of noodles. BUT! I will make myself some almond tea instead. Good night world!