Optimism

Lately, I've been finding it very hard to be optimistic. I read someone's status today and it said something like when something doesn't work out, there's something better in store. I really want to believe in that but sometimes, I feel like when something doesn't work out, just suck it up and keep waking up everyday. That doesn't sound like me at all. I love to be optimistic and positive about things. I just feel like a lot of things are happening all at once and it's just not giving me a chance to let one thing digest before the next.

All the holidays this year somehow don't feel very much like holidays. I haven't found much strength to wake up in the morning to do active things. I'd love to wake up early in the morning to have a nice healthy breakfast before heading out to the gym. Then coming home and taking a nice shower before going to work. I only work from 2 to 6 everyday except for Wednesday. On Wednesdays, I work from 1 to 6. I don't make much money but I do make some kind of income to pay bills. Once I get off work, I'm pretty much drained. It's only 4-5 hours of work, but when you're working with hyper little 3rd and 4th graders, you exert a lot more energy than you would normally want to. So I come home tired but I stay up til 4 in the morning. Tell me why? If I'm so exhausted, why can't I just shut my eyes and go to bed?...

Anyway, it's been a tough week. My dad's 2-year "deathaversary" was on Wednesday. It's been 2 years but it still feels just yesterday that it happened. It's really a numbing pain. So many things have changed since. I have a different kind of support now from old and new friends. It feels so surreal not to have the kind of support I had 2 years ago (not that I don't appreciate the support I have now). When you're willing to be there for someone regardless of how much pain you're in but they're not willing to, it really does test whether or not you would be there regardless. But it's okay, at the end of the day, I'll thank God for molding me into the person that I am and for keeping my heart humble.

Sorry for sidetracking. My aunt was rushed to the hospital for a dangerous surgery that could leave her paralyzed if it was unsuccessful. She's back home now but she can hardly move. My mom says she's like a robot. I know God wouldn't allow anything bad to happen to her. She already has such a heavy cross to carry with an unhealthy baby.

Sometimes I feel so apathetic that it bugs me. I'm a worrier. I guess you could say that I worry a lot about things and people. That's probably why I love the feeling of taking care of someone or doing things to make people happy. It makes me sad when I'm not allowed to care, or better yet, to love. Guess I'll have to find another way to love then huh.

So I'm just rambling now because I really don't have anything insightful to say. I've had a long day. A lot of running around and trying to attend all the events i RSVP'd for and to be home for my own family's thing for my Dad. Oh! I made a cake for a friend's birthday today. I think that was the best part of my day. Being able to finish this cake on time even when I was trying to do all the other things. Here's the final product:



It's not as nice as I wanted it to be, but for my first cake using fondant, I think I'm happy with the way it looks. =] Now I need to find out when my next chance to bake another cake is...

Things have changed but I think this time around, it changed because I changed. Maybe if I had dealt with things a little differently, whatever is happening now would have happened then and maybe by now, situations would have been a lot more different. Whatever the case, I know that I'll look back and laugh when I read this blog...this very part of this blog.