Fears and Uncertainty

Lately I've been trying to let go of my constant yearning to know the uncertainty. Father Arrupe says,

"Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in love
in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination,
will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you
out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love; stay in love,
and it will decide everything."

I've heard this so many times in my life, yet, I'm still longing to completely apply it to my life. I have fallen in love and I have stayed in love. What I still don't know is what has been decided.

Perhaps fears cause us to do a lot of things (or not do a lot of things.) Sometimes, given the past and present circumstances, we are afraid to give of ourselves. We are afraid to risk our hearts because we have been hurt before. Sometimes we are afraid that we might be the one causing the pain. Either way, we distance ourselves for those reasons. We try our best not to show how we truly feel, but sometimes we slip and we allow our hearts to speak for us. We discredit our feelings of love because it is easier than taking a risk.

Our minds and our hearts are at a constant debate over whether our hopes outweigh our fears.

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We all have fears. It's how much hope we have for something that we must focus on. Our fears will be there but if our hopes are strong enough, it can carry us through our fears.

I believe, more than ever now, that everything happens for a reason. God's plans for us are much greater than the plans we have for ourselves. We may think we're in control and sometimes being in control is a good thing. But, try not being in control for once and just let God be the guidance. I remind myself of that everyday and especially during times when I feel the need to be in control.

Everything that's happened to me thus far- my missed flight, my car breaking down before my interview, technical stuff during the interview that led to my rejection and many more- I've really assessed why it happened.

My missed flight: I was a bit worried about my layover in Dallas. It just so happened that there was traffic on my way to the airport and I missed my flight. I was put on standby and by the grace of God, I had a seat on the next flight. What I truly believe to be God taking care of me was that the flight was a direct flight back to LAX.

My car breaking down: When I arrived back home, it was too late and I didn't have time to prepare for my interview the next day. I believe that I missed my interview so that I could have more time to prepare for it. Although, it was a bummer that my car broke down and it took a lot of money of out my mom's pocket to fix it. ( I'm super poor and wish I could've paid for it myself)

Technical stuff during the interview: So my interview had two parts. One was the interview and one was the presentation on my hobby. I had sent my presentation to my email so that i could open it up. Well, there was no internet connection in that particular room which I thought was strange because it was on a school campus. So I had to do my presentation without it, which was a bit boring because all the fun stuff was on the powerpoint.

Anyway, all of these things were unfortunate events, but I don't feel unfortunate to have experienced them. I'm so proud to say that I am so much closer to really being able to let go and let God.

Yay!