I think I'm really spoiled. I've gotten so much more than I could ever ask for, but sometimes I take advantage of this. I don't deserve any of it at all. I think I'm really selfish. Someone shared at the meeting that the things that God wants you to do are the things that you don't want to do, the things that are hardest to do. Sometimes I feel really weak. It's like I want so much to feel happy that sometimes I don't want to realize that what I'm doing is selfish. Sigh. I'm sorry.

Your understanding warms my heart and your support strengthens me. Cam on Mi Xao. =]

Studying....but not really

I'm trying to study but today I saw a picture and it made me feel uneasy inside. I don't feel a great need to specify what I saw but what I saw brought me through 4 previous years. A bit of sadness and confusion still linger within me and I'm not sure when it'll ever go away. I'm listening to this song from Michael Buble called Everything. Somehow this song makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because of the thoughts that come to mind when listening to this song, and sad because they're all just thoughts. AH hah! Chayanne...funny how all these songs are playing one after the other. I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason and if you look deep enough, you'll figure out what the reason is.

Yesterday I had dinner with Audrey and while sharing with her things that are going on with me, I was able to evaluate them as well. I realize that I'm trying too hard to keep on walking down this road, accepting that I cannot be walking down two different roads at one time. I can only be at one place at a time. If only time stood still, but it doesn't. If I choose to walk down one road, I can only keep on going to get to where I want to go. On this long narrow road, I might come across nice shady trees to rest under and feel comfort after a long day's walk, but I might come across bumps and obstacles that will make me want to just turn back. What do I do? All I can do is keep on moving and hope that in the end, wherever I end up, I'll be happy with. I will always wonder what the other road looks like and where it leads to, but who knows? Maybe there are two different roads leading up to the same destination. You might ask why I didn't choose the other road to begin with....well, my only explanation for that is....the road is way too narrow and someone is already walking down that road. If I were to walk down the same road, I would either be behind or in front. I don't want that. I'd rather be walking beside. By taking the other road, I can only hope that we're both walking together, just down different roads and maybe...just maybe we'll end up in the same place. If not, I can only hope that my destination is as great as the other destination.

Struggles only make you stronger if you challenge them.

That's all for now.

Happy studying! =]

Something's just not right. I feel so uneasy. For some reason, I feel like I've done something wrong and it's affecting everyone but I don't really know what I did. I'm sorry. I'm not sure what I'm sorry for, but I'm sorry. Today was a long day in a way. Not that that's a bad thing but this weekend has been filled with a lot of tasks that I got done. On Saturday, I woke up at 9 to go see my doctor. I waited for like 3 hours before I was able to go inside to see the doc. I was sooooo hungry and they wanted to take my blood but I told them that it wasn't a good idea cus I was super hungry and if they took my blood, I could like pass out or something. So..I'm coming back this Tuesday morning to get a blood test. I'm not really fond of needles...well I guess not the needle itself cus it doesn't really hurt, but the thought of blood coming out and stuff makes me sick. But, gotta do what I gotta do. " I can do all things with Him who strengthens me" right? right. So anyway, after that I went home to get something to eat. Then I had to go get a livescan/finger printing for my internship. On the way, I took out the list of places I could go, and all of them said appts only. Darn. Sooo...I went home and my mom told me to go get my eyes checked. So I went to the optometrist. The good news is, my eyes are okay and "healthy." The bad news is now I have to figure out why my head hurts so much all the time...my theory was that it was because I didn't wear my glasses often enough so my eyes had to refocus all the time. But, I guess not. I dunno. Anyway, my brother's birthday was yesterday too. So, I had a couple of shots and beers to celebrate with him. I think my tolerance has skyrocketed after v2o.

Today, I was at Interfaith the majority of the time. When I wasn't there, I was at Paul's talking about issues concerning stuff. vague I know. But yea..anyway, I got to sing a meditation today. It was...rejuvenating...well while I was singing it to say the least. Nez took the harmony and guitar, and Mel on the piano. It was really good. The funny thing is, I was taking a short nap before mass and I woke up all of a sudden, and sorta just ran to Interfaith. If it was any other day, I would've backed out, but for some reason, even though my voice was groggy, and I couldn't hear in my right ear, I wanted to sing it. I guess you say can it was Him and not me.

Afterwards, I was planning to just go home and study, but decided to stop at Our Lady. Once, again, it was Him. It was nice to be on my knees right there in front of Him and just talk.

I just wish there was a clear direction but there just seems to be a constant struggle to figure out where to go.

This is random, but you can never know what someone's really thinking or feeling inside when you see them cry, but it's amazing how you can at least catch a glimpse of it. When you see others' at the most vulnerable state, how does it make you feel? It makes me want to be more humble. It makes me realize that because they're humble enough to show their vulnerability and weaknesses, that I can do that too.

I dunno, I just have a lot of thoughts running through my mind and not all of them are coherent.

I also feel really sick cus I ate something that probably had a lot of MSG in it. I can't stand a lot of MSG because I start to feel sick to my stomach...my mom has the same reaction to MSG, so I think I got it from her. I got a lot of things from my mom.

k, I'm gonna lay down cus I really don't feel good.

Good night. =]

Confusion

I think there's been some confusion. Maybe some people think that I can't speak for myself and so another person is speaking on my behalf. The truth is, I know I'm not ready for whatever role it is that people think I want to take. I haven't been around for very long, and I don't mind just singing. I don't want anyone to speak for me, and I don't want people to think I'm complaining. Sure, when there's such a big group, people are gonna feel left out and I totally understand that. It's all good. I do what I can, and I help whenever I can. So, if I can help you in any way, let me know. This is me, speaking for myself, and not anybody else.

It's a whole different story when you feel like your opinions don't matter just because you stepped out for a while and now you're back in the game. I think feeling left out and feeling unappreciated are two different types of feelings. For this, I definitely feel unappreciated. I don't want any glory for the things I've done, but I also don't want to feel like what I've done has no meaning. It's changed. A lot. And I'm super worried.

ahh...I"m gonna go to sleep. Good night.