I haven't "let it out" like I did today...in a very long time. I think it's just a combination of different things that have been either hurting, or bothering me. I wanted to go watch a movie or do something to distract myself but I ended up sitting in my car for a while just "letting it out." Then I SOSed my best friend. She drove down right away. This sounds like a big deal but it's really just me finally breaking after holding in so much of what I thought I could handle. I'm okay with admitting to defeat. It just means that I have a chance to come to Jesus. Loneliness is something that I'm learning to embrace. I feel like I've sort of lost touch with Him. I want to come back to the Heart of Worship.

when the music fades
all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that will bless your heart

i'll bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what you have required
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

chorus
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the things i've made it
when it's all about you
it's all about you, Jesus

King of endless worth
no one could express
how much you deserve
though i'm weak and poor
all i have is yours
every single breath

I've been feeling like I don't know who I am lately...or who I want to be. Is it because I was surrounded by a group of people that I felt I had to impress, so I acted a certain way? Do I feel more comfortable hanging with this other group because I don't have to try to be who I'm not? Who am I...really?

Uh oh, I think I'm having an identity crisis.

Earlier I was acting like a child...assuming that my friends didn't care about me enough, but it was never about me. How hypocritical of me to assume people are abandoning and forgetting about me when I've been abandoning Him and his teachings? and forgetting to come to Him in prayer?

Oh man, what an epiphany!

I think it's time I "man" up and do what should've been done from the get-go. I've heard it said that letting go requires a lot of love. Well, I have a lot of love...just not enough courage. So, I pray for courage like the Serenity Prayer.

I need to be slapped back to spirituality!

And Then There Was Light

My 4th of July weekend was I guess filled with a bit of spontaneity. I woke up on Sunday thinking, oh man, it's 4th of July and no one has told me of any plans yet. I wanted to watch fireworks and spend time with family but my mom is in New Orleans, and my grama studies for her citizenship test all day. My brother was going to Cabazon but I had no more money to spend on things I didn't need and I wasn't about to ask my brother to pay for me. So, I went online and a friend of mine IMed me. I'm usually not on ichat..well not much anymore, but I decided to. I wanted to go to the park and throw a frizbee around so that was the plan. Pick up my friend and go to the park before going to mass. On my way to my friend's, another friend texted an invite to a BBQ. So, we ended up going to the BBQ instead. So many unexpected things happened today. We went to downtown disney to watch the fireworks. It was packed of course...

The fireworks weren't great, but the dancing was awesome! I had so much money dancing salsa and the cha cha. We started dancing and then everyone joined in. It was great. =] I feel like all the chemistry is still there but we just don't understand the reaction.

In very soon, I will have to detach myself completely because I don't want to be the reason why new experiences can't be...experienced...not on my part.

It's getting harder and harder to resist and I just need to stay away.

June 25th...

Every time this day comes around, I get really sad. Don't know if I can ever forget it. I went to the park today. Only for a couple minutes though. I had to run to the shop right after work. I had forgotten that I needed to go to the shop today. My whole plan didn't really go as planned. I was going to go to work and then go to the park and relax for a bit. Then hit the gym and then go to rehearsal for the wedding tomorrow...I mean today..since it's 12:33 am. Instead, I went to the park for a minute, then headed out to the shop. I had to push rehearsal back an hour because it was so hectic at the shop. Finally got home and showered. Phew!

I continue to pray for strength and courage. Strength to endure and courage to move forward. I'm going to miss my kids. I've learned so much from working for this organization. I love being able to share my energy with them every morning. Today I came into work with so much energy. Even though I'm not much of a morning person, I was hyped and ready to get these kids excited. I don't know exactly what happens to me, but when I see the kids, I get so much energy. I'm really silly and goofy, but I can get them to behave. I look at the other program leaders and I feel like giving them a bit of a shake sometimes. You can tell which program leaders want to be there and which don't.

I should be sleeping to charge up my voice for tomorrow but...

I guess you can go through one day of agony but day will become night and before you know it, it's a new day. So cheers to a new day.

Good night everyone!

What a 30 Minute Nap Can Do

So today after work, I was going to go to the beach, but I decided to go chill at the park with my guitar instead. It's so amazing to be able to slow down and relax under a tree. I was taking a nap but not really. I rested my head on the body of my guitar so it wasn't very comfortable. I had some worship music playing. So, I guess you could say I was meditation more than napping. I had a pretty good reflection of my weekend and my day up to that point.

I kept thinking, if it's not meant to happen, it's not going to happen. I can lay here forever and it won't happen. Just because it happened before, doesn't mean that it's meant to happen again. Also, I was hoping for it to happen. Before, I didn't even expect it.

Then, somehow I found peace, knowing that this mystery is what makes me come to God everyday. I slowly drifted away as I listened to the voice singing "I will rest in You...I will rest in You."

I'm so amazed at how strong some of my friends are. I wish they could share of that their strength with me. I always coach myself and prep for what I need to do, but when the time comes, I get weak and I end up not being able to.

I think I need to really watch how I act around people, especially the boys. My best friend says I flirt with them, that's why they end up interested or whatever. But, I honestly don't realize it. What's considered "flirting"? I can't use smiley faces in my texts anymore because that's flirting? I don't get it. I guess I'm not 8 anymore and I need to realize that boys don't just ask you to hang out because they want to be your friend. I really wish it was just that simple.

Also, I really don't like knowing that some people don't like me. For reasons that I'm not even aware of. So these two people don't like me because, they were playing some dirty song on their ipod and when I came into the room, as a joke I said, "oh this song is too dirty for me, can we change it?" My friends would've said something like " deal with it or something" to joke back. But these people took me so seriously. =\

I hate when people take things I say the wrong way, and don't even confront me about it so that I can have a chance to explain myself. One time someone asked me if I've been to an Angels game before and I said, " I've been to an Angels game before so I kinda know what to expect." That was taken as, oh I've been here before and I don't wanna be here. I actually felt pretty hurt when I heard that that's how they had perceived it. I didn't even think of it that way.

Guess I just really need to think clearly about what I'm about to say, before I say it. Even then, when I think it's okay, people still take it the wrong way. Should I just stop talking in general? >_< I'm actually getting kinda frustrated writing about this...

Anyway, my best friend came over just earlier. She told me a lot of things I needed to hear...not exactly wanted to..but very much needed. One of these days I'll muster up the courage to do what I need to do. One of these days.

For now, I'm going to go to bed because I have work at 8 am tomorrow. Yikes!!

Heart Breaks and Breaking Hearts

I just changed the look of my blog and I think this one that I chose is catered towards people with bad eyesight, because the font size is huge! lol I guess it's a good thing even for people with perfect eyesight. They can keep it perfect by not straining so much trying to read the smaller font sizes.

Anyway, there's so much I want to write. I'm starting my Master's program soon in August and I'm traveling a bit this Summer. I'm pretty bummed out that I'm going to have to leave my job but there's give and take and I just need to accept it and move forward. I have tomorrow to apply for this job at Fullerton and because I feel like God had something to do with this job post in my email, I'm going to make an effort to fill it out and edit my resume.

So, on to what I'm really thinking about at the moment. If there's anyone that could understand what a heart break feels like, I am one. But somehow, that doesn't stop me from breaking hearts. It's so hard to tell someone that you don't feel the same way. I cringe every time I have to do that because I know how the other person must feel. I keep getting all these challenges and I'm expected to pass them. Sometimes I wonder why I keep running into the same situation. Tonight, I was able to be completely honest. Although it wasn't something that person wanted to hear, he was appreciative of my honesty. At the same time, I felt so bad. I had already disappointed other people in the past, and now God brings another person into my life for me to disappoint, just so that I could learn and grow. It hardly seems fair to the other person. Then again, the other person can grow from it too...but why do we have to go through all these uncomfortable situations?

God, You are strange.

My deepest desire right now is to find peace through prayer and to continue to walk with Him even though this road sometimes becomes narrow and rocky...and sometimes I step on land mines that completely tear me apart.

I really believe that this master's program is going to shape me into the person I'd like to be and God would like me to be. I do want to make the best out of this Summer. I was already thinking about what I wanted to do on my birthday. lol All I want is to hang out at the beach. Have a nice bonfire where my friends and I can sit around with a guitar and just sing random songs. I do want to try boogie boarding. Considering the fact that I'm not a swimmer, it's a pretty brave thought. haha I just need to remind myself that I control the water...not the other way around. Right?

Anyway, it's the last week of school for the kids. Then there's Summer program which I'm so excited about. My coworkers and I had dinner tonight and we were talking about the haps of Summer program. I'm so happy and blessed to have such awesome coworkers and boss. I've already made up my mind. Even though I won't be able to come back next year to work, I'll be a volunteer. That way, I can still be around my kids and hang out with the COs.

Cheers to the wonders of God's plans!