The best Read for Today

After 10am and noon mass today and helping Liwanag Alumni pack lunches for Liwanag retreatants, I decided that I wanted to pick up a book. I went to Barnes and Noble in search of a great book to read. I walked towards the Psychology section first but didn't see anything that catered to what I was looking for. I turned over to the Self-Improvement shelves and didn't find anything worth reading. Then I roamed over to the Christian books and saw some pretty awesome books, but to buy all of them would burn a whole through my tiny little wallet. So, I decided to go home. When I got home, I looked at my own book shelf and found a book someone had given to me as a gift. The Purpose Driven Life. I was set. I got my book and was going to head out to a nearby park to read. I had been feeling tired since after noon mass, and so in the car I started to doze off. Before I knew it, I fell asleep in my car.

My mom drove into the drive way and I quickly awoke. I didn't want her to scold me for sleeping in the car. So, I came into my house and decide to fix something light to eat. When I was finished I decided to browse the web. I hadn't been to this particular website in a while-fear being one of the reasons. But, today I decided that if this is the only way I could get some kind of update, I would give it a whirl. So I did. I typed in the address and somehow while the page was loading, I felt very nervous and anxious. It's sort of what I'm feeling right now as I'm writing this. The page began to load and I was bombarded with SO MUCH to read. I quickly searched for the beginning of where I left off.

I feel this sense of joy in my heart. God is really listening to my prayers.

I can't help but think about this song. I thought about it while I was reading one of the entries.

"I'd Rather"

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone)
and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection built on lies, all lies
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine,

I'd rather have bad times with (please be mine) you,
than good times with someone else (I know)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (anytime),
than safe and warm by myself (so sure baby)
I'd rather have hard times to gether,
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart (my heart)

I'd rather have bad times with you (surely),
than good times with someone else (surely)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (oh yeah),
than safe and warm by myself (all by myself)
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart (you know it)
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoooo.....who holds my heart

-Luther Vandross

You Can't Just Change Your Hair, You Have to Really Change

Yet another insightful episode of Grey's Anatomy. Avery tells little Grey that she can't just change her hair and expect to get noticed. She needs to stop being "mousy."

I was invited by a group of friends to train for the half marathon this Summer. I don't really run long distance, nor do I think I have the endurance to. But, I think this is a change that needs to happen. I never really gave myself a chance to test out my endurance in running. I always liked sprinting more, since in tennis, there's a lot of sprinting. I haven't played tennis is awhile. I must be pretty rusty.

At work today, I was just observing all my students. They are so carefree and innocent. Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again. Life has gotten way too complicated. Even though as a kid, I had more responsibilities than other kids-I had to help my mom with her work after homework and do chores around the house- I didn't go through emotional difficulties and distress. I still had fun with my friends. I went to birthday parties and roller-skated with my friends. Now, there's just so much to worry about.

I miss my friends. I miss my best friend.

@->---

Sometimes in life, you can't find it in your heart to do certain things. I can't find it in my heart to do a lot of things my mind wants to do. This makes things so complicated and difficult. Will this space really get me anywhere? Should I trust that it will? Feeling used and abused is not fun. The worst part is that I can't find it in my heart to be angry.

I can feel everyone just telling me to shut up; but if you ask, prepare to listen.

There's a little girl in my class that reminds me of another little girl I used to know. She was always witty and very cute. She died on my birthday 3 years ago.

When I was at a friend's dad's viewing. It was in the same place we had a viewing for my dad. I saw a flashback when I walked in; staring down the isle. I saw me, my mom, my brother, and you. We were all standing there. You bowed as guests came to offer their condolences. YOU bowed.

Why must it be all the life changing moments in my life?

Look at all these connections. How can we be broken?

I love just writing. I can write whatever i want to write and only I can really understand what I mean.

It's 2:47 in the morning. Scared to go sleep. Scared to wake up.

How to Just Be

I've noticed that I put off a lot of things; mainly to do things that I feel are in the immediate present; things that are urgent. I put off taking care of myself (as if that wasn't urgent, or important). It's really frustrating when you find yourself wanting to do so much but you just can't--or rather, you're not allowed to. That was kind of random wasn't it? I was thinking about something that someone had said on Grey's anatomy that made me think about something else. Hunt told Yang "I want to love you! Why won't you let me?!" So, it's one thing to love someone. It's another to allow them to. Interesting.

I've been having a lot of dreams that end up being unresolved. For example, I dreamt that I was going to see someone...the anticipation and excitement of seeing this person felt so real to me. I never got to see the person though. I remembered walking down the street and passing this house. I heard a barber shop quartet singing. I could've sworn I was smiling in reality.

I've been thinking too much about getting everything done all at once, when I really should just let it be and take things one step at a time. I can't rush the healing process. I owe it to myself to create this space.

On another note, I hate going to see a doctor and I hate needles- especially the ones that suck blood out of you. I know I should go get it done since I haven't and it's really bad that I haven't, but it just drains me when I have to mentally prepare for it all the time. This is such an inconvenient phobia.

At any rate, I didn't get everything on my to do list done today, but I'm glad I was able to completely finish something. It's tiring but when I can finish my mom's work for her and knowing that she's not having the back pain that comes from doing this job, makes it such a great accomplishment.

I'm starting to get hungry again, and I'm pretty close to making myself a bowl of noodles. BUT! I will make myself some almond tea instead. Good night world!

Optimism

Lately, I've been finding it very hard to be optimistic. I read someone's status today and it said something like when something doesn't work out, there's something better in store. I really want to believe in that but sometimes, I feel like when something doesn't work out, just suck it up and keep waking up everyday. That doesn't sound like me at all. I love to be optimistic and positive about things. I just feel like a lot of things are happening all at once and it's just not giving me a chance to let one thing digest before the next.

All the holidays this year somehow don't feel very much like holidays. I haven't found much strength to wake up in the morning to do active things. I'd love to wake up early in the morning to have a nice healthy breakfast before heading out to the gym. Then coming home and taking a nice shower before going to work. I only work from 2 to 6 everyday except for Wednesday. On Wednesdays, I work from 1 to 6. I don't make much money but I do make some kind of income to pay bills. Once I get off work, I'm pretty much drained. It's only 4-5 hours of work, but when you're working with hyper little 3rd and 4th graders, you exert a lot more energy than you would normally want to. So I come home tired but I stay up til 4 in the morning. Tell me why? If I'm so exhausted, why can't I just shut my eyes and go to bed?...

Anyway, it's been a tough week. My dad's 2-year "deathaversary" was on Wednesday. It's been 2 years but it still feels just yesterday that it happened. It's really a numbing pain. So many things have changed since. I have a different kind of support now from old and new friends. It feels so surreal not to have the kind of support I had 2 years ago (not that I don't appreciate the support I have now). When you're willing to be there for someone regardless of how much pain you're in but they're not willing to, it really does test whether or not you would be there regardless. But it's okay, at the end of the day, I'll thank God for molding me into the person that I am and for keeping my heart humble.

Sorry for sidetracking. My aunt was rushed to the hospital for a dangerous surgery that could leave her paralyzed if it was unsuccessful. She's back home now but she can hardly move. My mom says she's like a robot. I know God wouldn't allow anything bad to happen to her. She already has such a heavy cross to carry with an unhealthy baby.

Sometimes I feel so apathetic that it bugs me. I'm a worrier. I guess you could say that I worry a lot about things and people. That's probably why I love the feeling of taking care of someone or doing things to make people happy. It makes me sad when I'm not allowed to care, or better yet, to love. Guess I'll have to find another way to love then huh.

So I'm just rambling now because I really don't have anything insightful to say. I've had a long day. A lot of running around and trying to attend all the events i RSVP'd for and to be home for my own family's thing for my Dad. Oh! I made a cake for a friend's birthday today. I think that was the best part of my day. Being able to finish this cake on time even when I was trying to do all the other things. Here's the final product:



It's not as nice as I wanted it to be, but for my first cake using fondant, I think I'm happy with the way it looks. =] Now I need to find out when my next chance to bake another cake is...

Things have changed but I think this time around, it changed because I changed. Maybe if I had dealt with things a little differently, whatever is happening now would have happened then and maybe by now, situations would have been a lot more different. Whatever the case, I know that I'll look back and laugh when I read this blog...this very part of this blog.