Study Break

So, I decided that I'm not going to talk about it. Instead I'm going to write it down and it will be done and over it. Today was a long day and still is since I'm still up trying to study for a final that I MUST perfect in order to get a B+ in the class and boost my chances of getting on the Dean's list. Such an ambition, I know. There wasn't really anything to eat today and I was really craving some pizza. I had planned to order some pizza after I picked up my grama from work but when I got home, I noticed that my mom was preparing Pho. Well, I love her cooking but I had pho for 3 straight days...I wouldn't have mind eating it but I really had a gigantic craving for pizza. Anyway, I just ate pho...which was good and I'm grateful, but it wasn't pizza. Then, I continued to study...

Meanwhile, my mom is getting ready to go to this annual classical guitar concert event to fundraise money for the poor in Vietnam, and my dad used to perform there. I didn't want my mom to go alone, but I also wanted to get as much studying done as possible. My grandma was making me really angry because she doesn't want to go anywhere. I hate the fact that she just hides in her room and doesn't want to go anywhere when we ask her. She said that if she went, she would cry and she doesn't want to cry because her eyes get blurry. Well, picture this. My mom going all alone and crying all by herself...not a good image is it. No. So then my mom said, "Be Dai (that's what she calls me in Vietnamese), why don't you take grama and you guys can leave after they talk about your dad." So, I got ready and we left. When we got there, it was like I'm reliving moments that I never even had. I was so angry because I never made it to his concerts to watch his performances...and now I'm here, when I'm supposed to be studying to watch someone else play. I was angry. It pained me to watch my mom and to know that she's in double the pain. During intermission was when I had planned to take my grama home. Well that didn't happen because the little talk about my dad didn't happen until after the intermission. We were called up to sit in the front row. A clip of my dad playing guitar last year was posted as they talked about him. Then my grama and my mom got flowers. What killed me the most was that one of my dad's best friends played and the first two songs he played, were the songs my dad used to play. So, I actually waited til the end...when everyone was gone practically because my mom was still talking to this lady. Three hours of studying time....traded for painful memories and tears that were kept inside for a record time.

I feel like my family thinks I'm some kind of a super genius that can succeed without trying or I have no emotions and that my dad's passing can't possibly have any effect on me. So, I can go to school, get straight A's and be merry. NO! I can't do that! I cry too. I'm in pain too. I really don't know how much longer I can handle this. For real.

By the way...if anyone reads this, please don't ask me if I'm okay when you see me...thanks.

So now I'm going to get back to studying and pretend everything I'm reading about is registering.

Good nite.