Demons

I'm realizing more and more each day that all the demons in my life are really getting in the way of my happiness. They have probably been the reason for many of my struggles. I yearn for the ability to fully trust. How can I love fully and unconditionally if I don't have complete trust? I think my being so detail-oriented has a bit to do with why I don't completely trust. I read between the lines too much...or I just overanalyze. I don't think it has anything to do with my interest in psychology. I think it was how I grew up.

I admit I have a huge jealousy problem. This has probably gotten me into much more trouble than I ever intended for it too. I know that I shouldn't be jealous of anyone or of anything. I am who God has made me. There is only one me in this whole world. God took so much time to mold me. I would only be ungrateful when I begin to get jealous. God gave me so much worth in this world, even though I am so unworthy. I truly believe that God has been preparing me for this Lenten season. He wants me to lay it all down, let it all go, leave everything behind and walk with Him through this desert.

Lent is a season of soul-searching and repentance. I am beginning to do a lot of soul searching. Everything that I've struggled with for the past couple of months have been so overwhelming. I've had so many mixed emotions; from anger, sadness, resentment, to understanding, love, and sympathy. I know that the most important elements here are love and understanding. I find myself becoming more understanding, or trying to become more understanding and loving. I feel my heart being lifted whenever I seek to understand; when I let my pride aside. Some of my friends and people in my community have asked me why I do it, even when it doesn't really cause any changes for me in terms of happiness. Even though Jesus was rejected, He continued to love. Although it is nice to be loved, I don't have to be loved to love. I struggle with this sometimes because I am human and I do need to feel loved. Someone once told me that you need at least 8 hugs per day to be okay and 12 hugs for growth. I haven't had many great hugs lately and I feel like I'm missing something... so I think he's right....I think Virginia Satir is right, but props to him for getting the information.

I heard in a homily once, that everything created by God is good and that it's up to man to place a value on it. No one is too good for anyone. It is how much value you give to yourself and to others. If you can accept God's love, then there is no reason to reject others' love because the love that people are willing to give to you is an extension of God's love for you.

So it's true. I have a lot of demons but this Lenten season, I'm determined to fight them off. It's also interesting to note that Lent officially ends on April 1, Holy Thursday. April was a very important month for me. I guess it still is but for a different reason now.

"I'm ready to believe; be strong enough. Give everything I am, and trust in Love. My heart longs to reach for You, the way I feel I wish You knew. I'm ready now, I'm ready to believe."