I wish I had woken up to a bad dream this morning, but sadly, it was reality. Even though it was tough to hear, I think I've come to terms with this. I have exhausted every possibility and done everything I could, but I guess it's tougher to gain someone's trust than I thought, especially when you thought you had their trust. Then again, who's to say I can trust that easily?

Nothing is worse than fear. At work, we started this system where we give students fake money as an incentive. So what I did was create citations. I give out money when students are behaving exceptionally or when they've answered a question correctly, etc. but I also give citations to those who misbehave. I give them the amount they have to pay and a due date. They can choose to do community service (picking up trash in the classroom before leaving, making sure the snack area is cleaned, etc) or redeem themselves to get more money to pay off their citation before the due date. This is such an awesome way to teach them responsibility on top of good behavior. The point I want to get at is that fear can really affect people. When I say "if you don't stop talking, I'm going to give you a citation," they all stop talking. The fear of losing money made them stop talking.

There are other fears like fear of spiders, fear of needles, fear of height. Personally, I hate needles. I used to pass out at the sight of blood or when I'm having blood drawn. It's just the thought of my own blood flowing out of my body, through a tiny tube, and into a vile. Now, I don't pass out anymore because I've learned to control my fear. I've learned to condition my mind so that I'm able to go through a procedure without passing out. As much as I fear having blood drawn, I have to do it because that's the only way I can keep my health in check.

Another fear some people may have is of roller coasters. They fear that once they get on the roller coaster there's no going back; that they might not be able to handle the twists and turns or they might be afraid of falling out of the roller coaster. People who love roller coasters will tell you that it's super fun and such an adrenaline rush. But some people have never been on a roller coaster to experience that thrill and excitement because of their fear.

So when do you face your fear(s) and just go for it?

I've faced one of my fears for a very long time and had so much trust that I would conquer it...but I failed miserably almost every time... I guess I had too much trust. Maybe it wasn't the right fear I should've been trying to face. I think I'm ready to face this new fear now. I'm sorry I'm being so vague. I might have a lot of typos too because I didn't sleep til 5 in the morning and I woke up at 10 to go for a run. It was actually a really good run. I sprinted a couple of times and THAT felt awesome! But anyway, my thighs are sore and I'm super tired.

It's 12 am, March 26, 2010. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Now I can sleep. Good night!